ScorchStack Issue #20 - A Small Business That Ruins A Bunch Of Perfectly Good Donairs
Winning the gold medal for hockey newsletter published at 10am every Wednesday since 2020
The World Juniors are over! NHL hockey is back next week! This issue will only partially reflect that.
What’s inside?
Everyone’s favourite columnist Francis Ericsson is here to correct the record: which Flames did or did not disrespect Joe Nieuwendyk by wearing #25? The answer is most of them
Training camp lines: should you get worked up about them? The answer: hell, why not?
The Flames still haven’t named their mystery PTO- and we’re on a hunt to find out who it is
We’re back on hockey movies: which non-hockey movies are actually hockey movies? Which “hockey” movies are actually about something else?
Since last week
There was ScorchStack #19- discussing the Spengler Cup and TJ Brodie’s conspiracy theories
Flames training camp opened up! Again, this issue will only partially reflect that
A Disgusting Show Of Disrespect From The 11 Other Players Who Wore #25 After Joe Nieuwendyk
Any resemblance to any other controversial Flames writer is purely coincidental
by Francis Ericsson
Over 25+ years covering the local hockey team, I, Francis Ericsson, have seen a litany of great players come and go. Former Flames captain and Cup champion Joe Nieuwendyk wasn’t one of them, I’ve never seen him play a game, but ask any intrepid local reporter who diligently covered the team during his storied career in Calgary, and to a man they are sure to offer the same assessment: class. A class act. A guy who could play with class, who would give every last ounce of class in his body to win even one game, who oozed extra class to make up for the Johnny Gaudreau-type players who sucked up the rest of it, resulting in a class deficiency in the dressing room. I don’t know what you call a man with characteristics like that, but here in the Stampede City, they have their own name for it: Forever A Flame.
Yes, Joe Nieuwendyk is one of the chosen elite who scratched and clawed game in and game out for the right to be honoured with the distinction of Forever A Flame, a well thought out program in which you are lauded by the Flames organization without ever having your number officially retired. One of the things I campaigned hard for when I impartially reported some civic pride into the city’s arena negotiations with the selfless visionaries who run the Flames was to make sure Forever A Flame be a more prominently displayed and emphasized tradition. Because it’s clear today’s entitled millennial hockey player will be inundated with the history of their team and realize they’re totally allowed to use these jersey numbers unconditionally. It makes me sick.
One newcomer with a proper sense of decorum and a healthy respect for the men who paved the way before him is goaltender Jacob Markstrom. Like me, Markstrom is a respected historian with a thirst for knowledge and unparalleled integrity. So when I learned that he personally contacted Joe Nieuwendyk - perhaps the finest captain in the history of the team - to grant him permission to wear Nieuwy’s own number 25 on the back of his jersey, I was very impressed. That’s how you endear yourself with all the riff raff or whatever in the normie seats. Especially when you consider the majority of the other 11 players to don the 25 since Joe’s departure have not followed that example, which is why I intend to stir the pot and run them down now. You may not like it, but you can’t deny it gets clicks, so let’s go.
Dave Roche - Now you’re probably thinking, Ericsson, Dave Roche only tossed a #25 Flames jersey over his shoulders 38 times more than 20 years ago, don’t you think you’re just hyperfocused on something that isn’t that big of a deal, just to make a point? Well let me tell you, I’ve never stopped thinking about this. Joe Nieuwendyk is the finest captain this team has ever had, if you’re Dave Roche, you have to ask yourself if you’re the kind of player who is worthy of sharing that number. I’d be really interested to ask him about this. In fact, I know I did just that when it was happening. I don’t remember what he said because I only pay attention to real leaders.
Sergei Krivokrasov - Russian. Typical. I think we all know what was going on here. Selfish. Gutless.
Niklas Andersson - This guy, I gotta tell you, the year was 2000, and Joe Nieuwendyk’s Dallas Stars had won a Stanley Cup only two seasons prior. I was holding court - like I always do - with the other fine, respected scribes and wordsmiths I’ve been blessed to share my time at the rink with, when I noticed number 25 for the Calgary Flames take to the ice at the then Canadian Airlines Saddledome. For a brief, glimmering moment, I thought perhaps Nieuwendyk, the conquering hero, had moved on from the great state of Texas (probably the finest state, I’ve looked at real estate down there) and returned to Cowtown for his swan song with the Flames, because surely no one else would be wearing his iconic demarcation here in the year 2000. The hubris! Turns out it was this Swedish kid. I later learned his son was the disrespectful punk who threw his World Junior silver medal into the crowd. You know he learned that kind of poor sportsmanship from dear old dad. Selfish. It’s the disrespect that really bothers me.
Igor Kravchuk - Russian. Typical. I think we all know what was going on here. Selfish. Gutless.
Martin Sonnenberg - Let me tell you something about Martin Sonnenson: not only should this guy not be allowed to share Joe Nieuwendyk’s digits on the back of this jersey, he shouldn’t be allowed to have his digits to even call him up and ask to do it. Martin Sonndersson shouldn’t even be allowed to share Joe Nieuwendyk’s oxygen. I know a thing or two about my friend Joe Nieuwendyk, and I have to tell you, if he found out Martin Songerrs was wearing his number, well, I can’t tell you here what kind of words he’d have for this fraud, I’ll just leave it at that.
Darren McCarty - Warrior. Leader. Respected veteran in the room. Glue guy. I can only assume the Grinder was preemptively given permission by Joe to wear #25. Just two classy guys respecting each other. I have some more thoughts on this that I wrote under a pseudonym once on LiveJournal, but I’ll be damned if I can remember the login and password, because my goodness it was steamy or insightful or something.
David Moss - Let me tell you this, if David Moss was tied to the train tracks, and I, the conductor (note to self: new nickname?) had more than enough time to slow the train to a complete stop, thus saving his life, I would walk away from the controls and head over to the meal car to get a drink. Just an absolutely gutless move by this guy. How are the Flames ever supposed to build any kind of culture or identity if the team won’t admonish a guy for not respecting the history? And what kind of professional doesn’t do everything he can to learn about it? You just know Johnny Gaudreau has something to do with this.
Steve Begin - Now this guy could drop the gloves. The kind of guy who would go through a wall for every single last one of his teammates. Even a guy like Jiri Hudler, who I gotta say, did not deserve it. I’m certain Begin was given special permission to wear #25, and I salute him for it.
Brandon Bollig - I know for certain that Brandon Bollig received Joe Nieuwendyk’s blessing to don his sacred number 25, and that’s because I personally reached out to Joe to get the ball rolling. I remember telling Bollig about my selfless actions, something I used to do a lot, and even though he pretended like he didn’t know why I would do something like that, Bollig’s a pretty savvy guy, I could tell he admired me for it. I know he’s an actor, but I could always tell he respected me.
Freddie Hamilton - Oh shit, one of THESE GUYS??? The Flames brought this guy in to play for the team because their baby soft, egghead, prima donna “defenseman: needed a safety blanket, and that safety blanket sullied the unimpeachable name of the incomparable Joe Nieuwendyk???? I should be allowed to shoot the Hamiltons with a gun, I’ve always said this.
Nick Shore - Look I’m about to tee off, and I’ve got some killer lines ready for the drink cart girl when she comes around that I KNOW is going to make her melt, so we’ll end this here, but you get my general drift here: Johnny Gaudreau is a piece of shit.
A Quick Review Of The Flames’ Training Camp Lines
We wouldn’t be hockey bloggers without freaking out over minutiae like this.
by Christian (@decayinwtheboys)
Do I know to not put serious weight on what happens in the preseason? Yes. Do I know that the coach is absolutely going to go back to the classic Flames lineup five games into the season? Also yes. Has it been four months without hockey and now there’s finally something related to Flames hockey to talk about? That is factually accurate. Am I a hockey blogger who thinks himself smarter than anyone who is actually involved in the game and uses exercises like these as mental masturbation? Again, yes.
So we’re looking at the lines. Maybe they’ll play, maybe they won’t. Who’s to say, but it’s the closest thing to NHL hockey we can blab about.
Matthew Tkachuk - Elias Lindholm - Josh Leivo
Now this is probably the 1A line, and I gotta say that I like it.
The caveat being that it’s mostly potential. We’ve never really seen if Lindholm is actually an elite two-way centre, which is the linchpin of this entire line. We’ve never really seen Leivo remain healthy in a top six role either, but the Flames can replace him with what they already have. 1C is a little harder because the only other option is Monahan.
Otherwise, Matthew Tkachuk fully unleashed should be a treat to watch. I will hear no slander of him.
Johnny Gaudreau - Sean Monahan - Dominik Simon
Here’s what might be called the 1B line for now. And I’ll be honest, I don’t like it!
Last year exposed the major flaw with the Gaudreau-Monahan pairing: they’re not exactly up to snuff against other first lines. Moving them down the rotation and against the weaker lines of other teams might be a good move to get them going again, that much makes sense.
What’s not a good move to get them going again is putting Dominik Simon on that line. Simon was a regular top sixer in Pittsburgh, but that’s more a statement about Pittsburgh’s winger depth than it is about Simon. Across two seasons and 900 minutes with Sidney Crosby, Simon had 30 points at 5v5. Not per season, total. Reader, I regret to inform you that Gaudreau and Monahan are not Sidney Crosby.
I think Simon is a useful winger who can drive play. He’s not a boat anchor, but he’s clearly not an offensive weapon. Unless the Flames are playing 4D chess and have realized that Simon’s puck retrieval and defensive play (two things Pittsburgh fans loved him for, the rest inspired hate) are precisely what the 13-23 duo needed, he’ll only move the needle a bit. The Flames need the needle to move a lot.
And I get that they’re in different practice groups, but the obvious choice for RW is Mangiapane, right? He’s been bursting out offensively and has the best underlying numbers on the team, it seems like a match to me. If not that, how about Dillon Dube who is also trending in the right direction? Or Leivo? Anyone?
Andrew Mangiapane- Mikael Backlund- Sam Bennett
Backlund is the undisputed father of this team. He has raised Tkachuk into a beautiful boy, is currently guiding Mangiapane to follow in the same footsteps, and is now bringing wayward lad Sam Bennett back onto the right path.
The driving idea behind this appears to be that Tkachuk needs more to do, and that Bennett can function as a poor man’s Tkachuk. They’re both fearless players, but the major difference is that Tkachuk is elite at most things hockey and Bennett is only occasionally good at things. Maybe if Playoff Sam is finally here to stay (or if the spark him and Backlund had in 2015-16 is still there) this will be a pretty formidable line. But from first appearances, it’s a no-name brand 3M line.
Milan Lucic - Derek Ryan - Dillon Dube
Here’s your grind line. They were pretty good together. Not much more you could ask from a fourth line, but I do think Dube deserves more of an opportunity.
Joakim Nordstrom - Byron Froese - Buddy Robinson
This seems to be the taxi squad line, which is whatever to me. I would prefer if these guys sat in the press box all year and weren’t the Flames’ go-to options in a short notice situation, but I suppose that it’s probably the best thing to do since there’s a border between the NHL and AHL team. You need youngsters to play and not sit around, and you can’t wait for quarantine to end to get fresh faces in the lineup.
Mathias Emilio Pettersen - Glenn Gawdin - Luke Philp
Justin Kirkland - Adam Ruzicka - Matthew Phillips
Eetu Tuulola - Dmitry Zavgorodniy - Zac Rinaldo
I refuse to care about AHL lines in training camp but it is interesting that they think highly of MEP thus far and are trying Zavgorodniy at centre.
Mark Giordano - Chris Tanev
I think it’s a bad idea to put your two oldest guys on your first pairing, especially when one of these guys might be beginning to decline and the other is absolutely declining. Just my opinion.
Noah Hanifin - Rasmus Andersson
As much as I want to see Rasmus rise to his rightful place as King of the Defence, I think I prefer him on the second pairing rather than a Hanifin-Tanev pair. I threw up a little just thinking about that.
Juuso Valimaki - Nikita Nesterov
This is your de facto third pairing, and we’ll have to take the word of the international hockey fans that it’s good. You’ve absolutely already bought into the Valimaki hype, so no point in talking more about him. Nesterov is also well regarded from his time in Russia and had some decent underlyings in Tampa nearly four seasons ago, so maybe he’s something too. It’s exciting to think about, but to be a downer, it’s usually not a great sign when your third pairing is the only one that makes you feel excited.
Connor Mackey - Alex Petrovic
With Oliver Kylington joining the team later in training camp after he clears quarantine and immigration, he’s probably going to be the seventh defenceman, killing the pie-in-the-sky dream that Connor Mackey would crack the team. He’ll go back to the AHL, with Alex Petrovic holding down the taxi squad spot.
Colton Poolman - Alexander Yelesin
Carl-Johan Lerby - Michael Stone
None of these are real people.
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The ScorchStack wouldn’t be possible without our gra-
Hey folks, it’s Francis Ericsson here again. Now I usually don’t hog the spotlight, but I can’t help and chime in: this is one of the most gutless, classless ads that’s ever been featured in the ScorchStack. Just insulting. Stuff like this does not belong in a hockey newsletter, and you can expect everyone except J*hnny G**dr*** to say something about it next issue.
GUESS THAT P-T-O!
The first ever in-print game show
By Konnie (@Konnie49)
Welcome, all, to this wonderful first and only edition of Canada’s favorite game show, where we decipher the enigmatic mind that is Brad Treliving. Recently, the GM of the Calgary Flames himself stirred up a national controversy by stating that the team will be signing a PTO very soon, but did not mention who. As such, the great North American manhunt is on to find out who this mystery player is.
Let’s take a look at a couple of peculiar possibilities that are potentially the player signed in GUESS! THAT! P! T! OOOOO!
Prediction #1: Brett Ritchie
To be honest, I barely know who this guy is. He is the apparent brother of Nick Ritchie, the tough-ish guy who plays for Boston that some dumb Flames fans wanted to draft 4th overall back in 2014. Brett seems to be much of the same, but somehow worse. I don’t fully understand why Brad Treliving would want to keep secret that he signed an NHL/AHL tweener, but again, we are dealing with a mind that would rival the complexity of the Enigma machine.
This tweet is our only real clue as to who the mystery PTO is. Elliotte Friedman is as legitimate a news source as you can find in hockey media, so his speculation is likely based off of what NHL scouts are saying/thinking. What would a Brett Ritchie even do for the Flames? Likely not much, and probably wouldn’t be worth signing even if he does become our masqueraded PTO haver.
Prediction #2: Justin Abdelkader
This one is shot in the dark, but since the Flames love their hard-nosed leadership guys, this one makes some sense, even slightly more than the aforementioned Ritchie. Abdelkader is definitely on the decline, especially with an abysmal season in Detroit the season prior, but a player of his size and abilities coming into camp as a warm body isn’t the worst idea imaginable.
If he gets signed, well at least it is only for one year? Most of it on the taxi squad? Hopefully? Oh, I just wished this into existence haven’t I?
Prediction #3: Brendan Perlini
This one would be fun, if not all that likely. The former #12 overall pick from 2014 has been a complete bust at the NHL level, but since he is 24, GMs still think this means they are a prospect and still developing.
Perlini has not played that much in the past two season after his career high 30 points, and when he did, he was terrible. After a 39 games last season see put up a lousy four points, it’s not surprising that Detroit cut ties with him, and Perlini is still a UFA well into January.
How many kicks at the can are allowed before the can is scrapped? It seems like Perlini won’t amount to anything much more than a replacement/sub-replacement player, but maybe there is SOMETHING there that could be worth at least taking a look at in camp. There isn’t much of anything left in free agency.
Prediction #4: Jaromir Jagr
That’s right, the ageless wonder returning to Calgary in a time of need. As to not reveal the big surprise, Brad Treliving is keeping the secret of Jagr’s return until he arrives in a golden jet from Kladno. What’s not to love? It was amazing when the legend came into town the first time, and with his dream of playing hockey until his death, bringing him in for one last PTO is worth it just to see if the Czech wonder has still got it.
Little known fact, but the reason why Jagr left for Europe in the first place, was to film the John Wick trilogy. Of course, once negotiations broke down due to tension from both sides, this is were saw the studio having to scramble to get a new lead, settling on Keanu Reaves.
Prediction #5: Sami Vatanen
What if the clue was false and only used to distract us from the real truth, that the mysterious PTO signing is in fact a defenceman instead? Would be quite a haul too, as Vatanen is a legitimate top 4 option who is still shockingly without a deal. Has his performance dipped in the last few years? Yes, but as an offensively minded blueliner, having someone that can at least transition the puck up the ice is always a valuable commodity, something that might be lacking with the current Flames’ bottom four.
As a bonus, what if the PTO is for Vatanen but he was used as a forward instead this season? Now that would really throw off everyone on this scent!
Prediction #6: No one
What if this was all just a ruse? A humorous joke in which Brad Treliving cleverly played to get us all anticipated for camp after he announced that he will be bringing two objectively awful players in Garret Sparks and Michael Stone (yes him again) on PTOs? Or a slip of the tongue after saying they are not done with PTOs, leading Brad to continue on a word salad he knew he cannot adequately finish?
In all seriousness, I kind of hope it is this option, because I spent around 20 minutes on CapFriendly today and there really isn’t anyone good available.
Real hockey movies vs fake hockey movies
What's a movie?
By ramz (@RaminaShlah)
There are many movies out there. There has got to be at least 100! Some of these are sports movies (Twilight is a baseball movie) and some of these are not (Moneyball is about math and economics only). Now, what is a hockey movie and what isn’t?
I’m going to go over some examples to help you figure it out. I’ll provide one real hockey movie and a completely random movie about something else other than sports.
I have to be honest, I was inspired by my own thought because I have very good thoughts.
Let’s start with that.
Hockey movie
As displayed in the Tweet, 13 going on 30 (2004) is a hockey movie. It’s about a woman who decides that being with Mark Ruffalo is much better than being with a player for the New York Rangers. She decides that being “Thirty, flirty, and thriving” means being with The Hulk over a hot, rich hockey player. Honestly, I completely agree. I would much rather be with Endgame Hulk over a New York Ranger too.
Not only that, but her last name in the movie is Rink? AND the actor is played by Jennifer Garner, Sidney Crosby’s celebrity crush. You can’t deny the facts, this is as clear of a hockey movie as you can get.
Non-hockey movie
Now it’s time for just a random movie! The Mighty Ducks (1992).
This movie is about me learning that Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez are brothers.
Hockey movie
Next up we have The Dilemma (2011). Now I’ve never seen this movie from the beginning all the way through, so I’m not completely sure what happens, but I guess it’s about a guy whose wife cheats on him? Anyway, the movie features the Chicago hockey team for some reason, not completely sure why but it seems to be important yet isn’t mentioned in the plot on Wikipedia so I cannot tell you why it’s significant. However, the movie ends with Kevin James making a very hard trick shot at the NHL All-Star game while wearing a Jonathan Toews jersey and wins something, again, couldn’t tell you what that prize was. Everybody is cheering, everyone is emotional, Vince Vaughn jumps over the glass to go hug him, and that’s the end of the movie.
Very clearly a hockey movie with that ending. The movie also made less than its’ budget, and the NHL is currently broke, so you couldn’t get more of a hockey movie if you tried.
Kevin James could be the captain for the Chicago hockey team but Jonathan Toews couldn’t be the King of Queens.
Non-hockey movie
Goon (2011). Many people believe this is a hockey movie but that’s because many people are stupid. This movie is actually a romcom and about a small business that ruins a bunch of perfectly good donairs. Very wasteful! How did this movie make it past the writing stage?
Hockey movie
Happy Gilmore (1997). This is what Wikipedia describes as the beginning of the plot of this movie:
Happy Gilmore is an aspiring ice hockey player who lacks on-ice skills, other than a powerful slapshot. After another failed hockey tryout, Gilmore's girlfriend leaves him because of his hockey obsession and lack of success.
That’s just a biography on Brandon Prust.
This movie starts with hockey. The whole point of the movie is because of his obsession with hockey. The plot wouldn’t even exist if it wasn’t for his obsession with the sport. This is a hockey movie.
Non-hockey movie
Slap Shot (1977). This movie is about Henry Ford and the industrial revolution by being the pinnacle of why we work eight hours a day, five days a week, and about why capitalism is bad. Not a hockey movie whatsoever.
That’s all for today, I hope you all learned something and will think twice next time you see what you think to be a hockey movie.
Up Next Week
Real hockey?!? This time we might actually talk about it? What the heck.
We have the first ScorchStack Hall of Fame inductee: Connor Zary for cussing out a ref
Which post-game taunts should the Flames employ for the 2021 season?