ScorchStack Issue #18 - Only The Freshest Milk For My Strong Boys
They say if you've been good all year, Santa brings you a fresh ScorchStack. You are not allowed to decline the offer
It’s December 16th, and you can feel the spirit of the season in the air. No, this is not about how Christmas is in 9 days. Guess again if you thought it was because today is the 6th day of Hanukkah. It has nothing to do with 2020 dwindling down to the end of its wick, a cathartic flip of the calendar closing out an absolute Kevin Westgarth of a trip around the sun. There is a lot of residual excitement about the Colonel Sanders Lifetime movie, I cannot and will not attempt to take that away from you, but even that is not what that palpable je ne sais quoi feeling is all about.
No, that relentless anticipation is because the first annual Scorchie awards are just around the corner. We here at the Scorchstack Academy have worked tirelessly to curate an award show that bestows proper honour to all the firefighters that found themselves overpowered by something larger than themselves over this past year. The people are already saying it’s the biggest event of the year, and frankly, we agree.
What’s in store? Well, we don’t want to give it away, but let’s say we’ve lined up a host from Finland who knows a thing or two about winning awards, and what it’s like to be in the spotlight. We will have coverage from the red carpet, and you just never know what kind of luminaries might stop by. A visit from our friend Francis Ericsson? We’re just saying anything can happen.
So when are the Scorchies? Don’t know. We were going to do them this week. We didn’t. We’re working that out, but there’s no better time to start the hype train then right now. Just in case you wanted to get ahead of the curve and organize the pool in your office, which we of course highly recommend that you do.
Until then, we have a Scorchstack to run around here, and by gorsh that’s what we are going to do.
What’s inside?
Sutters. There’s a lot of them. The Flames have employed all of them, probably. What if they had power rankings? Guess what, now they do.
The Cleveland baseball team is scrapping their 105 year old, bonkers racist team name, and that got Mike to thinking “Hey, what is Cleveland?” His answers might surprise you, but only if you also don’t know anything about the city (spoiler alert: it’s a city!)
Connor Mackey has reached Mark Jankowski levels of Fan Divisiveness Before One (1) NHL Game Even Played. Konnie puts the issue to bed with a definitive stance.
Since last week
We made fun of Louis Domingue’s children, in a takedown of what turned out to be only the second most controversial new goalie mask unveiled last week
In what feels like an endless barrage of setbacks for The PodScorchBlastStackCast (working title), episode 1 has been postponed for yet another week as our audio engineer slipped on a banana peel someone dropped in the studio, went careening through the large, tasteful picture window, rocketing down 16 stories towards the asphalt, when he was miraculously saved by a truck passing by, towing a shipment of trampolines, only to get double bounced into a running but unattended cement mixer at a nearby construction site for a new pillow factory, while the crew was on a mandated union break and buying cotton candy from a food truck parked across the street. We’ll try again next week.
The Official Power Rankings Of All The Sutters Who Worked For The Flames
Who will be the Sutter of the year?
by Christian Tiberi (@decayinwtheboys)
The Sutters are hockey’s family. Never mind that a lot of them weren’t great, there were a lot of them in the NHL at some point, and that’s what counts. There’s a second generation coming up, and who knows, maybe there’s a third too.
Anyway here’s a list. A list of Sutters.
1. Darryl Sutter
The famous scowl behind the bench of the Flames is, without a doubt, the best Flames Sutter of all time.
As coach/GM, he brought in occasional ScorchStack contributor Miikka Kiprusoff, took the team to the 2004 Cup Finals, and made the Flames relevant again after an entire decade of fooling around. You can only imagine the alternate timeline had Darryl not come to the club. Jarome Iginla would’ve likely asked for a trade earlier, and the Flames would’ve moved to Houston. Dark!
Yes, he had some significant issues as GM, such as everything after 2004. He was partially responsible for the rebuild (because I will never fully let Jay Feaster off the hook), but he was also responsible for the most magical moment of my entire hockey fandom.
I honestly felt good for him when he won the cup with the despicable Drew Doughty. That’s that Darryl magic.
2. Brent Sutter
The scowl hired his little brother, who scowled plenty, but not as harshly as his older brother. Brent had the unfortunate job of coaching the late-Iginla/Kipper squads, which were basically those two guys and a few airline bags full of puke, but he willed them to just being short of the playoffs every time. Considerable merit for best Sutter based on the fact that he didn’t trade for Olli Jokinen twice, but Brent’s highest highs still don’t touch the accomplishments of Darryl.
3. Ron Sutter
Ron played 21 games for the Flames in the 2000-01 season, and was mostly bad on account of being old as shit. Then he became a scout for the Flames, presiding over some of their least fruitful drafts. He’s still here, doing “Player Development.” Hats off to him for managing to stay 20 years with one club without it ever being clear what he’s contributed. If only all of us could pull off that move.
4. Brian Sutter
Darryl wasn’t even the Flames’ first Sutter in charge, with Brian guiding the Flames through the impotent late 90s and not doing anything of significance, a role he would later reprise with the pre-Toews Blackhawks. He won a Jack Adams in the early 90s, which probably should’ve told people how valuable the Jack Adams really was.
5. Brett Sutter
The Sutters are honest farm working boys who have never believed in, or benefitted from nepotism. Brett Sutter, who only happened to be Darryl’s son, was drafted by the Flames in 2005 for his 17 points in 70 WHL games. He was here on merit.
He played 18 games and then no one saw him ever again. [ed. note: I want it on the record that Brett Sutter was traded away from Calgary BY his father, which is the most Darryl Sutter thing on a litany of Darryl Sutter things that we could talk about]
6. Flint Sutter
The team’s milkman during the early days of the franchise, and the first to hold the position in the NHL’s history. He lasted four days, resigning after he fought with management about him bringing live cattle into the building. “Only the freshest milk for my strong boys,” he said as he stormed out the door.
7. Daryl Sutter
Not really a Sutter, but someone pulled off employment insurance fraud after Darryl Sutter had been let go by the Flames. The investigation is still ongoing, but authorities believe that “Daryl Sutter” had a man on the inside, as he filled in “111 111 111” as his social insurance number, only spelt his name with one r, and did not even look like Darryl Sutter.
8. [redacted] Sutter
The Sutter that must not be named. There are references to him in the team’s history, but lots of black bars surround his work. According to the media guides I referenced, he was Chief [redacted] [redacted] of hockey [redacted] from 1984-86, and makes a curious appearance in the 1995 media guide as the Head of [redacted] services. Newspaper archives of [redacted] are ominously missing, minus one “Who is [redacted] Sutter?” from the Calgary Sun in 1997 that sought to explore this mysterious executive’s sordid past. The journalist who wrote the piece went on “vacation” the day after publication, and has since not been heard from. His car still sits in the driveway of his house.
9. Glen Gulutzan-Sutter
Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel for his head coaching career, Glen Gulutzan married a Sutter and hyphenated his name in a desperate shot to force management to reconsider on the basis that he’s technically from hockey’s most prestigious bloodline. They did not, and his marriage was annulled the next day.
10. Duane Sutter
I initially put Duane Sutter on this list as a joke (Dwayne is a funny name, and spelling it “Duane” is funnier), just to see if a tremendous dork would call me out and point out that Duane Sutter actually was never a part of the Flames. Then I would laugh at the tremendous dork for being a tremendous dork and dorking up a joke article, tremendously.
Then I thought, “well I better double check this” and turns out Duane Sutter was the Director of Player Personnel for the Flames starting in 2008. I am that tremendous dork now and I have to laugh at myself. Fuck Duane Sutter for making me do this.
11. Sutter Sutter
The awful double Sutter, created in an early, illegal gene-sequencing lab that sought to create the ideal hockey player, at least according to the Sutters. A defenceman drafted in the sixth round of the 1997 draft, he was 12 feet tall, 398 pounds, and could only communicate by blood-curdling screams. His existence was hell, and he sure let everyone know it.
12. Shaun Sutter
Remember when I said that the Sutters don’t do nepotism? I wasn’t being facetious or ironic, it’s actually true. Brett Sutter (son of the GM) deserved to be drafted by the Flames, just like his cousin (son of the coach) deserved to be drafted by the Flames in 1998.
He did not play any NHL hockey.
Mike Learns About Cleveland; Subsequently Writes About It
We’re really knocking it out of the park with some of these headlines today
by Mike (@mikepfeil_)
When news broke on Sunday that the Cleveland [redacted] Baseball Team would be changing their name, I was overcome with emotion. As a cis, white man who likes sports, this hit close to home: sports are all I have because I am nothing without sports. No, I am not a Cleveland Baseball Fan or a Cleveland Cavaliers fan; or even cognizant to what makes a Cleveland Brown [ed. note: you mix Cleveland Red, Cleveland Blue, and Cleveland Yellow. yuk yuk]. I have no familiar ties, or friends in Cleveland (to my knowledge - if I am wrong it’s because I don’t think that much of you). No, it’s because I have zero understanding or actual knowledge about the city.
Recognizing my dearth of knowledge hit me with the wallop reserved for the death of a relative. Cleveland, Ohio..? It’s in Ohio right? Editor’s note: yes, Mike.
I shouldn’t say I have zero understanding of the city. After all, I knew about the funny Cleveland tourism videos from Youtube. This reference likely frames how old I am and makes me sound even older: I used dial-up internet until I was 16. The people in Cleveland, for all I know, likely also still use dial-up internet as I assume it’s a city with no infrastructure. I knew Cleveland existed and there are people there, presumably happy they chose to live out their precious time on this planet in a city like Cleveland.
In the Scorchstack Group Chat, I needed to consult the Scorchies about what they knew:
Mike - Is it like the Regina [Saskatchewan] of America?
Tibs - Edmonton, mixed with Winnipeg.
Nathan - My younger sibling went to school in Ohio. Rachel said that their favourite place was a local Domino’s because the staff got sick of corporate and did whatever they wanted.
Mike - Renegade Cleveland Domino’s. Okay so the only real Cleveland landmark.
I sat in the bathtub, eating a tub of dairy-free ice cream for 30 minutes after Tibs’ backhanded reply about my home. Consulting the internet, as one does in these moments, scouring for any digestible list of facts yielded very little I could consume in hopes of becoming the number one Cleveland expert in Edmonton.
The first list I found was entitled 12 Fun Facts About Cleveland That Might Surprise You. None of the facts were fun and the only thing I found surprising about the list was how nothing made the city seem even remotely enjoyable. It really did give off the vibe that Cleveland is more Winnipeg than Edmonton, mixed with Winnipeg.
If it weren’t for the pandemic, I would simply ask the Scorchstack investors to send me there to explore the city and learn about what makes Cleveland fun. When the pandemic is over, I hope to see why people choose to live their lives there. I want to experience the true Clevelander way of life, waking up in the morning and kissing my wife on the cheek, going to work in the coal mines of East Cleveland. I want to cheer on the local sports teams, then denigrate their performances like a real Clevelander. I want to go online and yell at random people who know nothing of their Winnipeg of America sounding ass-of-a-city and claim they never graduated first-grade. I want it all.
Alternatively, if the city wants to fund my adventure there and sponsor the Scorchstack, I will happily shill for a city I will likely never voluntarily go to.
I’m confident that my foray into learning about Cleveland could be used as PSA for anyone thinking that Cleveland might be interesting. It isn’t; and the hours of my Sunday night are long gone, never to return. The only silver lining is it distracted me long enough from Twitter to avoid excessive Blasty talk. Imagine being so devoid of personality traits that the only thing you talk about is a jersey. [ed note: tibs got his jersey this week!]
That would make you about as interesting as Cleveland, Ohio.
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Connor Mackey Will Be The Greatest NHLer Of All Time
Frankly, expectations are just too low
by konnie (@konnie49)
These days, when I go online, I do so expecting people to willingly accept that they are going to be wrong, and that they want to share their wrong opinions with everyone, wrongly. Its baffling, and frankly very brave to admit that you can be so wrong and actually live with those wrong beliefs while trying to pass as useful members of society.
One place where we see these wrong opinions become more prevalent than any other is on hockey twitter. Now, usually I just accept people have their faults and just move on, but a particular discussion that has been ongoing has made my blood boil and I cannot resist responding.
I am referring to Connor Mackey, specifically his role with the Calgary Flames this upcoming season. Some are saying that the undrafted college player, who is 24 and never put up promising numbers in his collegiate career is unlikely to be anything more than a 7th defenceman, while others believe he is a late bloomer, finally finding his game and potentially evolving into a top 4 defenceman.
It is unbelievable that I would even have to say this, but both of these talking points miss the mark completely. This is not a player that is just going to be on the taxi squad for all eternity, nor will he will be a solid top 4 option. To say that he might become a top 2 defender on a cup winning team is grossly offensive because, in all honesty, we aren’t going high enough.
Connor Mackey is the greatest athlete to ever play hockey, and soon will become the greatest NHL player this sorry league has ever seen.
We finally get to see an effective player in Canada with Connor for a first name. Throughout the 100+ years of NHL hockey, there has yet to be a Connor to become a superstar and wow the world. Ladies and gentlemen, we are finally here.
Just look at his final year in college. Some might say that him only scoring 7 goals and 24 points in 36 games in his final year looks “Spencer Foo-like”, but think about the context. Each of those 7 goals were so imposing that the opposing goaltender retired on the spot out of fear they would have to face such a shot again. Score one for our boy in the intimidation factor.
Second, look at his potential. The sky is the limit. Mackey’s floor, yes his FLOOR, is at least a generational superstar, meaning that there is simply no way in this universe or any potential parallel universe that this man does not play significant minutes in the NHL. That is a fact.
Lets not forget about his age either. It’s been said that players who don’t play in the NHL until they are 24 are “past the point where they can become positive contributors”. Well, that way of thinking will be no more. Mackey is here to show us that 24 is the new 18. In fact, due to his sheer greatness, it is likely that his career will span the exact same length as his current age. Gordie Howe and Jaromir Jagr got nothing on Connor Mackey.
Is it safe to say that Mackey will become the best player we have ever known. The facts and predictions say it all. Having an NHLe of ∞, it is no wonder why fans are excited. I think it will only be fitting that #99 goes back into use across the NHL because of it. Not so that Mackey may honour Gretzky, but because Gretzky was keeping the number warm for the True Great One.
But seriously, the guy likely doesn’t play in the NHL. Chill with your expectations already.
A fun fact about the new Flames goaltending coach Jason LaBarbera, whose hiring into the new Flames goaltending department overseen by Jordan Sigalet, a move that fans will be sure to use to track the impact on goalies current and future, is the biggest news story we’re going to get for weeks.
Goalie coaches: I sure love what they bring to the table, and can definitely identify it.
by nathan (@hanoten)
Jason LaBarbera’s first name is actually Antonio.
Up Next Week
The Scorchies are next week? Maybe the week after? I don’t know, we really gotta clean up the editorial process around here
We will be doing a trial run on our new ScorchStack Pen Pals program, where we write letters to substack sites devoted to hockey teams in Finland.