ScorchStack Issue #121 - Love the way the “Flames are gonna make it a mystery”
And Sutter would have gotten away with it too, if if weren't for you meddling kids.
People are going on already about ‘lots of tough decisions ahead’ for the Calgary Flames and ‘could be potentially another tumultuous summer for this franchise’ and ‘blah blah blah’ when INSTEAD they should be revelling in the official start of Dustin Wolf, greatest goalie of all time.
Awoooooooooooooooooo.
What’s inside?
The 2022-23 season may be dead and gone, but you know what will never die? “win the cup” by w i l d and both Tibs and Ramz are here to ensure that.
Konnie recaps the most positive moments of the season.
Ramz lists things you can do instead this April and May and also makes a convincing plea for some shared, communal labour this coming May Day. What could be more appropriate in honour of International Workers’ Day? Thank you Ramz for providing such an important avenue for this.
Since last issue
Scorchstack #120 knew that the time of the Calgary Flames was coming to an end, and it was time for another team to shine. Marinerstack. Also some ice cream.
Dustin Wolf baybeeeeeeeee
Season ended and freed us all.
The Scorchstack store officially opened and you can wear out stuff now. New drops will come when it passes rigorous quality testing.
https://twitter.com/TheScorchStack/status/1646264300758245378
Predictions for the next great Flames song
(if they make the playoffs) (ed. note: UH OH)
by Ramz (@ramzreboot) and also ed.
(ed. note: Ramz wrote this about two weeks ago and it seemed a shame to let it go to waste. Thankfully, thanks to the power of strikethrough text, it’s still mostly relevant. Enjoy!)
The greatest thing in the world has could have happened. No, I don’t care that the Flames made missed the playoffs. But because of that pretending for a second, that they did, we now have the chance to get another hit just like “Win the Cup” by w i l d.
No song will ever match up to “Win the Cup”, but here I am, on my hands and knees, praying to Mr. w i l d to release another banger. We need it. Any singer/songwriter can release a song, but personally, I don’t think we can have anyone else come up with genius lyrics like “Big bad Backlund got a backhand like Gudbranson.” So it must be him.
Last year, he used the song “Up” by Cardi B. Here are my predictions on what songs could would have been potentially used this year.
“Rich Flex” by 21 Savage and Drake
Probably one of the most popular songs on their album and one of the most popular albums of 2022 (I don’t know if any of this is true, I’m just guessing). There’s a very high chance this song could be have been used, the only reason why I think it may not be is that it’s not that big of a “jump around and sing that the roof is on fire” hype song. the Flames didn’t make the playoffs. But it’s the perfect rap song for white guys to make a hockey rap song out of.
If it is used (ed. note: rip), here’s my prediction for one of the verses:
Huberdeau, can you do somethin' for me? (Huberdeau)
Can you deke around the d-men for me? (Huberdeau)
And Huberdeau, can you do somethin’ for me? (Huberdeau, Huberdeau)
Make some plays to Backs and Lindy for me
And Huberdeau (Huberdeau), can you do somethin' for me?
Can you score a hundred points again for me? (Okay)
Huberdeau, do your thing, Huberdeau, do your thing (Huberdeau)
Do your thing, Huberdeau, do your thing
“About Damn Time” by Lizzo
The perfect beat for a parody song. I don’t think by Mr. w i l d though, unfortunately. I think it would be used by these guys. no one, at least this year. Here’s my prediction for a verse:
In a minute, Imma need a Big Z slapper
At 90 mph, to pump me up
Feeling fussy, skatin’ in my Bauei-ussies
Tryna bring out the fabulous
Sorry for saying Bauei-ussies. I am learning and growing.
“Unholy” by Sam Smith and Kim Petras
An objectively horrible fucking song. So it will be used in a hockey hype song. Here’s a verse:
Mommy doesn’t know daddy’s getting hot (mad)
At the Saddledome
Watching something unholy
Sorry.
“Break My Soul” by Beyonce
One of the most popular songs of 2022. Big chance it will be may have been used. Here’s a verse I guess:
(Imagine they’re talking to Matthew Coronato. Is he allowed to play in the playoffs? (ed. note: No, none of them are) I don’t know how that works. In case he’s not, then idk pretend they’re talking to someone else I guess (ed. note: you’ll need to pretend they’re talking to another team but imagine being one of those sickos who watches their team not make the playoffs so you pick a playoff team?)
Please don’t break my soul
Please don’t break my soul
Please don’t break my soul
Please don’t break my soul
Thank you for listening to my lyrics. This is all that you’re getting. This all came to me when I realized 21 has the same number of syllables as Huberdeau but that’s all I could think of so it just went downhill after the first “Huberdeau”. Sorry. Just Google “Top songs of 2022” to get the highest probable songs used for a Flames song.
Win the Cup 2023
It's here and it's real*. Real good** that is.
by Tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
As AI advances and improves, inching closer to replicating actual human works, debates on ethics and aesthetics are being raised. Here are both sides, summarized:
Against AI:
Art is the ultimate human act, taking all the joy, happiness, laughter, sadness, sorrow, pain, and all that which is in between and translating it to a medium that can transcend the barriers of language and culture. While AI may be able to approximate skill, it will never replicate the human soul that’s core to any artistic endeavor and that is why it will never qualify. The best AI can do is cobble together something based on keywords, ask “is this good” and then go back and keep working on it until it’s acceptable.
In general, artists are wildly underpaid (if they are paid at all) and overworked in order to provide something that everyone deems vital to the human experience but no one actually feels is worth compensation. AI threatens to complete starve the starving artists by producing stuff generated quickly for people without discerning tastes and just need something that looks normal upon brief inspection.
For AI:
I am lazy
I am not creative
Sometimes it’s funny
Without further adieu, since the Flames have missed the playoffs, we will not get any awesome playoff anthems or hype videos for the two weeks in April where we believe. Calgarians will wander the streets aimlessly without “hit ‘em with that good Gaudreau going glove side” playing in their head. Life will lose purpose.
Not anymore, Scorchstack is here to guide you to the light. Like many great artists, w i l d music has apparently crawled into obscurity after his big hit, and it’s up to us to carry the mantle. Unfortunately, we will be asking AI to create the lost anthem of the Calgary Flames’ 2023 playoff run.
Alright, great start here. Some AABB rhyming, could conceivably sound like the original Win the Cup. The lyrics don’t stand out as catchy to me, nothing like “the roof. The roof. The roof’s on fire, when your team’s going to choke when the smoke get higher,” but let’s see if there are any gems in verse 2.
Hmmmmmmm no. That’s not what we’re going for here. Not at all. Back to the drawing board.
Strike 2. “Taking the Cup” is not as catchy as “Win the Cup” and the machine is stuck on previous versions of the roster.
Third attempt. I’m gambling that Chat GPT was too busy referencing the lyrics from the original song to notice that the Flames roster had significantly changed. Sometimes the problem with AI is that it gets stuck on specific aspects of what you’re looking for that it overlooks other things, sometimes you have to change the wording up to get it really thinking. It’s a powerful tool with the potential to change the world as we know it and it thinks on the same level as video game NPCs that change their behaviour depending on what text prompt you choose.
This was quickly becoming fruitless. Perhaps AI was smarter than I gave it credit for, perhaps it was trying to teach me a lesson about living in the past. There is no topping the original Win The Cup, just as the 2022-23 Flames learned there is no topping previous iterations of themselves, and how both of those things have been trying to reclaim the glory of the 03-04 run. “Win The Cup” will never be “In Da Dome”, and no one will come close to Iggy/Kipper/Gelinas magic. A silly algorithm had taught us the futility of nostalgia.
But out of curiosity, I had to ask: does Chat GPT actually know who plays for the Flames?
Got ‘em. Stupid ass. Artificial intelligence, more like artificial idiot. This dunce doesn’t know puck.
Like the Flames down 2-0 in the first period, we had Chat GPT right where we wanted it. Again, all we need to do was word it ever so carefully that AI could pick up what we are putting down.
Now we’re cooking! The chorus seems a little wordy and not as catchy as “big bad Backlund going backhand like Gudbranson” and it also sounds nothing like Cardi B’s “Up” but it is a song about current players winning the 2023 Stanley Cup so we’ll take it.
Fuck it, let’s get the whole gang in here.
Brilliant. Love the way it crammed every single name into the chorus, love the way the “Flames are gonna make it a mystery,” love that it thinks the Stanley Cup is the prize for winning the division. Can anyone cook up a beat for this?
Advertisement
We weren’t kidding. Buy our shirt.
https://www.scorchstack-store.com/
The Top 5 Favourite Moments from this Season
Time to find some positivity from this disappointing year!
by Konnie (@konnie49)
With the Flames finally being eliminated from the playoffs, thus finally ending the nightmare that has been this season, I felt it was important to look back at some of the positives from the year to showcase that it was not all bad this year. Sure, not making the playoffs is a bitter failure with the level of expectations set in the offseason, but there were still some pretty cool moments!
Right?
Moment 1: Jakob Pelletier makes a lasting impression
He didn’t get to play too many games, but each time he was in the lineup, Pelletier delivered his all. He gave the team a little energetic spark when he was on the ice, trying to do everything he could on the ice. Didn’t look out of place that much if at all, and really proved that his size was not an issue in any way. As well, he did not shy away from going right to the front of the net, taking a few whacks and receiving a couple of crosschecks.
Plus he got to play with his childhood idol in Jonathan Huberdeau and looked like a kid opening presents on Christmas.
Just look at that, he is so happy. No matter how many rumours there were of players feeling frustrated or angry, Pelletier was the one guy who seemed to have a smile on his face the entire way. No matter what the mood was like in the locker room, no one could take away that joy he seemed to have just being out on the ice. Adding to that, the sheer willingness to jump into the arms of Huberdeau at any chance he got was so great to see.
Man, that was cool.
Moment 2: Hmm
You know when I started writing this, I thought I would be able to easily think of a few more moments before I got to this point, but uhhhh, yeah. Kind of at a loss to think of anything more. Maybe that spin o’rama pass to Toffoli? Oh wait, that was preseason. Hmm.
Moment 3: Well what about, wait no
This is much harder than I thought this was gonna be. God, this season sucked a lot.
Moment 4: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Moment 5: Game 82 of the season
Yeah I know, this technically hasn’t even happened yet, but give me a break. What else was there? Plus we get to see Matthew Coronato play his first NHL game, and Dustin Wolf be in net. That’s genuinely exciting. Awooo.
(ed. note: Konnie wrote this yesterday but then the game happened and it was actually a positive note so I’m just gonna imagine this is what he would write instead)
Wow, what a great time howling at every Dustin Wolf save! Also Matthew Coronato was there, which is neat I guess. But specifically, Dustin Wolf. Also, I specifically said that watching Zadorov get a hat trick (that I got to see live in person no less) was the first time I’d felt national pride in years (ed’s note: hmmmm), but also I did the wave so I have been banished to the shadow realm which is why I can’t finish this article off myself. Dustin Wolf though, hachi machi.
Things to do in Calgary end of April/May
Nothing else going on!
by Ramz (@ramzreboot)
I can’t think of anything else going on at the end of April and in May here in Calgary, so here is a list of things you can do.
Help your good and nice friend Ramz move into an apartment with her cousin that they’re subleasing for four months! Sounds so good!
Moving sounds super fun! You should help someone out with that on May 1st
Do you looooove moving but don’t know anyone moving on May 1st? I can help you with that!
Go for a nice springtime walk along the bow river :)
Call in a bomb threat into my office building so I have an excuse to go home from work*
*if any lawyers, cops, fbi, or my employer is reading this, this is a joke! definitely don’t call a bomb threat into my office building, which is located at 80- sorry, my lawyer is advising that I do not finish that sentence
Go to a brewery, one of my favourite ones is Cold Garden in Inglewood and bonus it’s dog-friendly
Celebrate our puppy’s first birthday on April 18
Give our senior dog some toys and treats too so she doesn’t feel left out
Bring me some spicy pho because my throat is kind of hurting :(
Drive me to the Royal Tyrrell Museum in Drumheller because I want to go there but I don’t like driving far distances. I haven’t been there since I was a kid but a few years ago I brought up to my friend that I wanted to go to the dinosaur museum in Drumheller and she responded with, “Ok Ross Geller” so I haven’t brought it up since. But I am now ready to face my truth and admit how cool it is.
Go to Heritage Park and imagine what I had to live like when I was in Montreal for a week with no power
Watch the Calgary Wranglers’ playoff run
hahaha I’m just kidding, can you imagine?
Up Next Week
Report cards? Is that something our loyal readers would like?
We take a hard pivot into Marinerstack, but also Roughneckstack could be coming right around the corner?
May 1st is coming up so please let ramz know if you’re free.