ScorchStack Issue #120 - “B-b-b-b-but Marinerstack! I don’t know anything about the Mariners! I only read Scorchstack, which is about the Calgary Flames!” Well my friend, I’m sports-bilingual
What a perfectly brief title that definitely don't get cropped anywhere we post this
The Calgary Flames are clinging to life support with their desperate bid to make the postseason. Mikael Backlund celebrated his 900th game in the NHL. The Flames Pride jerseys might have been one of the most beautiful creations we’ve seen this season.
What is this issue about?
It’s MarinerStack baby.
What’s inside?
Marinerstack
No seriously that’s it
Okay one article about a snack you can have to watch Mariners games with
Since last issue
Good lord they are beautiful.
Marinerstack, Season 2 Issue 1: an easy guide for Flames fans who want to convert to Mariners fans
Baseball is back on the menu.
by Tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
Welcome all Flames fans, you lost and tired souls. It’s been a long season, and I think there’s somehow two more weeks of this shit. Who’s counting anymore, who cares. It’s a season where making the playoffs feels like extra punishment. And when I say the season is ending, it’s not really because there’s about to be months and months of bickering ahead. At least they signed Coronato and that piece of drama is wrapped up.
Instead, I offer you the path of peace: the Seattle Mariners. The M’s. The good boys from Seattle. Los Bomberos. They will play baseball tomorrow, and you will be enjoying sports again if you so choose.
On account of being built different, I have never stopped enjoying sports, because this is playing on repeat in my head:
And if I ever get tired of that, this video gets played in its entirety in my mind palace:
It’s Marinerstack, baby. And it’s back for spring. And Marinerstack will be around for all of it or when I remember to do it.
“B-b-b-b-but Marinerstack! I don’t know anything about the Mariners! I only read Scorchstack, which is about the Calgary Flames!” Well my friend, I’m sports-bilingual, here to translate hockey into baseball.
The Flames dramatically rehauled their roster, bringing in Jonathan Huberdeau, Mackenzie Weegar, and Nazem Kadri. Did the Mariners do something similar?
Well, not as dramatic, but they did add Teoscar Hernandez from the Blue Jays and Kolten Wong from the Brewers, shoring up their below average hitting and offering an added boost of power.
Ah, so they must’ve also had their superstars walk in free agency!
Actually, they didn’t. In fact, they kept Luis Castillo after acquiring him at the trade deadline, which is something completely foreign to hockey fans. And they locked Julio Rodriguez into a 14 year contract after one year of good major league work. You know what they say, “the grass is always greener in the Emerald city.”
So they didn’t lose a single, loveable player that was the heartbeat of their organization?
Incorrect, there is also pain in baseball. They let Mitch “Mitchy Homers” Haniger walk to San Francisco after he broke out with the M’s and stuck around despite some rocky seasons. They also lost postseason heroes Carlos Santana and Adam Frazier. Let’s be clear, all of these guys were expendable in most regards, but it still stinks to watch some cult-classic guys leave and get doomed to hell (the Pittsburgh Pirates).
But they still do have loveable players in the vein of Mikael Backlund and Rasmus Andersson?
Never compare Mikael Backlund to anyone. He is in his own category.
Cal “big dumper” Raleigh, nicknamed as such on account of his big ass. The Flames do not have a comparable ass (unless you’re talking about the owner- ho ho!).
Jarred Kelenic has had a hell of a time trying to stick in the big leagues, but he’s been going crazy in spring training and is finally looking to turn that corner. He is Sam Bennett, basically, and we are crossing our fingers that he is not literally Sam Bennett.
Taylor Trammel is also Sam Bennett in this regard.
Ty France’s job is to be here, do nothing wrong, but nothing magnificent. That is Blake Coleman to me.
Andres Muñoz throws fastballs that could absolutely kill a man, and probably will when he has one of those days where he has absolutely no control. Yup, that’s Michael Stone.
Who is the Mariners Jakob Pelletier, their young prospect who can do no wrong?
Well that could be none other than Julio Rodriguez, winner of last year’s rookie of the year. Now this isn’t an apples-to-apples comparison as Pelletier is still figuring things out and is currently in the doghouse while Juliooooooooooooo has an outside chance to become the league MVP in his second season of baseball. He is gracing magazine covers despite being too young to remember 9/11. We are all growing old.
If you want a more apples-to-apples comparison, there’s Logan Gilbert and George Kirby, two young aces that came out of the minors and immediately started kicking ass.
Wow! It sounds like the Mariners are the most well-run organization in all of sports!
Well hey now, let’s slow down. Despite reliably ranking in the top half of revenue generating teams, the Mariners have the opposite problem of the Flames in that they absolutely refuse to spend money. Fans dreamed of Carlos Correa, only to watch him get signed by literally two different teams. Then they dreamed of literally anyone from free agency and got rewarded with AJ Pollock. What were they supposed to do, spend their millions of dollars on a young team with a lot of potential?
So do they still sign bums who fill out whatever baseball’s bottom six is?
Hello to Tommy La Stella, who can theoretically still play baseball the way you or I could theoretically still play baseball.
Who is the Milan Lucic of the Mariners?
Easily Robbie Ray. Make of this what you will.
Will Shohei Ohtani become a Mariner this season the same way Jack Eichel will become a Calgary Flame?
Yes, my sources are never wrong. The trade is on the on-deck circle (working out this metaphor).
Should you eat the Calgary Flames ice cream?
Why buy at the Dome when we have ice cream at home?
by Nathan (@hanoten)
Okay be honest - how many of you knew that the Calgary Flames had their own ice cream on the shelves at the grocery store?
Apparently, this thing launched nearly a full year ago, and I just happened to see it on the shelf last weekend while at the store. It was made in celebration of “Calgary’s current Stanley Cup playoff run (lol)” and I don’t know if they just kept making it or like the Flames run last spring, it just didn’t go as planned.
They even had a full press release for ice cream which is hilarious where you can find just incredibly journalistic lines such as “Foothills Creamery and the Calgary Flames are bringing a taste of the Scotiabank Saddledome (‘Saddledome’) into the homes of hockey and ice cream fans across the city.” Thank you Western Grocer for specifying in your press release that on occasion, the Scotiabank Saddledome is just simply referred to as ‘Saddledome’.
So I got a pint of it expecting to do a joke review, like I’d start eating it and be like “Oh wow, it’s really good hope it stays this way” and then get a little bit more into it and have some cutting remark like “not quite sure about the depth on this product” as ice cream is famously a product with depth. Some great jokes about ice hockey and ice cream. The kind of stuff you expect from Scorchstack.
But here’s the thing.
It’s fucking delicious.
It’s meant to taste like the soft-serve at the ‘Dome, which is mostly does. It’s better though? I don’t recall the soft-serve at the ‘Dome being this well-balanced in terms of cinnamon, even though Western Grocer wants me to believe this is the same product. This is like if someone took ‘Dome ice cream and perfectly blended it with Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
This stuff is so good I’m eating it as I type this article. There’s no reason not to enjoy this. I’m lactose intolerant but you better believe I’m not a quitter. I’m simply just an idiot with a penchant for delicious ice cream.
When Brad Treliving moves on and takes that sweet, sweet Boston Pizza money with him, I am honestly convinced that Foothills Creamery should lobby for their failson to get the job instead. There’s no way it could be worse but clearly they have an eye for this sort of thing.
Anyway since Flames hockey will probably be over soon, it’ll make the perfect season to watch Mariners games with. Or enjoy it at the ‘Dome for the Roughnecks playoff run.
Up Next Week
We promise to consider writing about the actual Calgary Flames and how they’re doing. We will definitely absolutely consider it.
We take Matthew Coronato to Baba Shlah’s shop so he can learn some valuable lessons like how a shirt fits and where to go when it doesn’t fit.
Seriously Matthew what is this
