ScorchStack Issue #12 - Hey, That's Iggy's Number!
This week's issue will not reflect that
Look, some stuff was going on this week, which we will not get into, but we don’t blame you if this little dose of sunshine in your inbox does not brighten your day the way it usually does.
If this were any other year, the Flames would have a 2-5 record by this time of the year, and we would have a lot more to talk about, but for now, you’ll just have to trust that we’re extremely good at what we do.
What’s inside?
Christian goes back in time and prevents the Dougie Hamilton trade…by doing a Dougie Hamilton trade. Don’t worry, this goes into concept album territory.
What’s with NHL players being named Dominik? Why not just Dominic? We don’t have the answer to that, but ramz tries to answer the age old question: who are these people?
Remember when the Flames almost had Ryan O’Reilly, only for all the dumbest things in the world to prevent it from happening? What if those things didn’t happen?
The Flames are so bad at Halloween.
Since last week
Team Scorchstack locked ourselves in a room and paid armed guards to keep us in there until we reviewed the 2015 Theoren Fleury album I Am Who I Am in its entirety.
We dropped the first episode of our podcast, but we spent all of our time in the first episode debating whether it should be called the ScorchCast or the Podblast. It got heated. Sound off in the comments with your ideas.
What if the Flames traded Dougie Hamilton for 20 first round picks?
Imagine all the prospects/It’s easy if you try
by Christian (@decayinwtheboys)
Then-Flames President of Hockey Operations Brian Burke famously said that he would only trade struggling defenseman Dougie Hamilton for 20 first round picks.
Two years later with Burke out of the picture, Brad Treliving settled for two former first round picks, and threw in a first round talent prospect defenseman in just because.
Obviously, that was a bad trade. Elias Lindholm is great and replaced Micheal Ferland quite easily, but the Flames lost one of the league’s elite offensive defenseman in Hamilton and replaced him with Noah Hanifin, who is already being floated as a trade chip. Adam Fox was never going to sign here, but throwing him in and then watching him light it up in New York hurts too.
Obviously, Brian Burke had the better idea: if you want Dougie, you should give us 20 first round picks. Naysayers and nitpickers will say that he didn’t literally mean 20 first round picks, but if I know Brian Burke, he is a man of his word.
The major issue with 20 first round picks is that it is impossible to acquire 20 first round picks, and even if you could pull it off, trading all of them for one player is the worst idea imaginable. That’s an entire lineup of the best young players in the hockey world, all of them on the highest value contracts the league allows. The fortune of franchises is occasionally changed with two or three high quality first rounders. 20? That’s a dynasty.
Conventional hockey fails to imagine, but the ScorchStack dares to dream. Thanks to the magic of NHL 21, we are going to see the hypothetical world where the Flames acquire 20 first round picks for Dougie Hamilton*, written as some sort of lab report.
Question: What would happen if the Flames traded Dougie Hamilton* for 20 first round picks?
Hypothesis: It would be a good idea.
Lab equipment:
NHL 21- I suppose for historical accuracy, I could redownload NHL 17 when Dougie Hamilton is actually on the Flames. However, I don’t want to delete Red Dead Redemption and I paid $70 for this game so I might as well get my money’s worth.
PS4- the finest gaming console
Time- lots of it (this was supposed to run two weeks ago)
Method
I assume control of the Tampa Bay Lightning. This is not a spite thing, they just have the most stacked roster in the game and thus the most players that would return first round picks from other teams.
A good journalist and a good scientist always take themselves out of the story/experiment. I have adopted the alias of Tom Puke, Lightning GM. I have also turned off GM firing and a bunch of other options that seemed unnecessary to this experiment, but most importantly GM firing. If NHL 21 was realistic, I would be fired two trades in. Salary cap is also off for the sake of achieving some of these trades.I trade a bunch of the Lightning players for 19 first round picks.
With those 19 first round picks and my own, I will ship 20 to the Calgary Flames in exchanged for Noah Hanifin* and three of the Flames’ worst players under contract. NHL only allows you to trade five assets at a time, so I cannot achieve the pure 20 for one deal. To get as close as possible to purity, I will trade for players who top out at the AHL level.
*you might be wondering about the asterisks by now. Obviously, Dougie Hamilton is not a Flame in NHL 21. I was assured by many that Noah Hanifin was going to be as good as Hamilton, so he will do. I also don’t like Hanifin, so he bears the brunt of my spite.I simulate through the 2020-21 season, looking to see if the Flames do anything with their 20 picks. They don’t have to use all of them at the draft, and could trade them. I don’t know if virtual Brad Treliving is as gung-ho about trading first round picks as IRL Brad Treliving is, but as a scientist, I’m excited to find out.
I participate in the 2021 NHL draft first round just to see who the Flames draft. Otherwise, I do not care.
As for the Lightning, I will try and competently manage them after trading away all of their stars and draft picks acquired for those stars after the first year. We will try to return to a somewhat normal existence after I shift the entire future of the NHL to one team in particular. We are interested in keeping the timeline relatively normal after this, we don’t want a zombie franchise hanging around.
I simulate through the next 25 years to see what happens with the Flames and their new crop of prospects, periodically checking to see how the Flames’ rookies are doing
Results:
The trades
It is September, 2020. Tom Puke has assumed control of the Tampa Bay Lightning as GM, having been hired after their Stanley Cup bubble victory. He is here to ensure that the Lightning can build a dynasty. On his first day on the job, he picks up the phone, and makes the following trades:
Nikita Kucherov to Minnesota for Jared Spurgeon, Minnesota’s first round pick, and Pittsburgh’s first round pick
Victor Hedman to Montreal for Noah Juulsen and Montreal’s first round pick
Brayden Point to New Jersey for a first round pick
Steven Stamkos and Tampa’s 2021 second round pick to Winnipeg for Sami Niku and a first round pick
Mikhail Sergachev to Vancouver for a first round pick and Chris Tanev
Andrei Vasilevski to Edmonton for a first round pick and Gaetan Haas
Ryan McDonagh to Washington for a first round pick
Sami Niku and Tampa’s 2021 third and 2022 third to Vegas for Chandler Stephenson and a first round pick
Tampa 2023 first round pick to Boston for their 2021 first round pick
Tampa 2024 first round pick to Dallas for Roope Hintz and Dallas 2021 first round pick
Tampa 2025 first round pick to Florida for Aleksi Hiepniemi and a first round pick
Tampa 2026 first round pick to Philadelphia for Morgan Frost and a first round pick
Tampa 2022 second round pick and 2026 second to St Louis for a first round pick
Tampa 2023 second round pick, Tampa 2024 second round pick to Toronto for a first round pick
Kevin Shattenkirk for 2021 Tampa second round pick, Eric Comrie, and a 2022 Winnipeg sixth round pick
Evidenced by the Shattenkirk trade, I was out of options. I had nothing to give other teams for their 2021 firsts. I had to get desperate and recoup my own picks (which somehow became more and more valuable as I made these trades) to try and get more capital to trade for other 2021 first round picks.
For a little behind the scenes, I attempted and abandoned this idea back in 2017 for another Flames blog, but I swear to you that I was able to get 20 first round picks from other teams before trading with the Flames. Unfortunately, I had to break purity and make the first trade with the Flames:
NJD, TBL, MIN, DAL, FLA firsts to Calgary for Noah Hanifin, Calgary’s 2021 second, their 2022 first and second, and a Calgary 2023 first
This gave me the capital to then trade
Noah Hanifin, 2022 Calgary first and second to Carolina for a first and second round pick in 2021
Calgary, Carolina, and Tampa Bay’s 2021 seconds for Chicago’s first
Tampa Bay’s 2022 third and Calgary’s 2023 third for Colardo’s first
Calgary’s 2022 and Tampa’s 2025 seconds for Columbus’s first and some guy named Scott (not important, had to balance rosters)
Finally, 20 first round picks. Now to complete the trade
Five firsts for Andrew Nielsen
Five firsts for Luke Philp
Tanev to Colorado for a TBL third and COL fourth (roster balancing)
Five firsts for Justin Kirkland
And we are done. I attempted to make a trade tree illustrating the moves we’ve made so far, but due to software/computer skill limitations, I was unable to. Here is a Jackson Pollock painting, which I think will achieve the same purpose.
Looks great!
The 2020-21 NHL Season
The league is almost certainly in shock after Tom Puke has taken his champions, turned them into a rebuild team, and then put them into Arizona Coyotes mode with no talent and no picks, but the full gravity of these moves will only be realized next summer at the NHL draft. For now, things are normal.
The Lightning, a pretty bare bones squad, finish with the worst record in the league. The Flames aren’t too great either, finishing fifth in the division but missing the playoffs. The Leafs hilariously fall out of the playoffs in the first round, losing to the Buffalo Sabres. The Oilers, #1 seed in the playoffs, go all the way to the conference finals against the Canucks and lose, and then the Canucks lose in heartbreaking fashion to the Capitals. The deity who controls the universe of NHL 21 loves playing the hits.
But the computer is also throwing a fit. Jonathan Toews gets traded for second round picks. Andrew Mangiapane somehow becomes an Ottawa Senator. I could not find any record of this transaction, as the Flames did not trade him. The Sens could’ve signed him as a free agent, but he was an RFA, and the Flames can match in a world without a salary cap. Perhaps they’ve just gotten greedy for picks.
Case in point, they manage to trade hot deadline item Mike Stone for two thirds.
The 2021 NHL draft
The Flames are both the winners and losers of this draft lottery. New Jersey’s pick jumps from six to one, Chicago from four to two, but Detroit jumps from seven to three, preventing the Flames from owning the Trifecta. Not that it matters, but Tampa’s own pick slips from first to sixth.
An interesting wrinkle, which I think was caused by trying this out before official roster updates came out, was that NHL decided to combine the 2020 and 2021 draft crops. That’s two loaded draft classes in one, arguably the best possible outcome for the Flames. Many might protest that this ruins the purity of this experiment, as the Flames can draft at least three or four generational players in one go where they realistically should only get one or two. I disagree, solely because my time is precious (ed note- it isn’t) and I don’t want to do this all over again for the zero people whose complaints I will listen to.
Anyways, here’s what the Flames do:
So yes, Alexis Lafreniere, Aatu Raty, Tim Stutzle, Quinton Byfield, Jamie Drysdale, and Connor Zary (at 26!) are all Flames now. There’s some made up players thrown in too, so we can’t guess how good they are based on name value alone, but we’ll assume they’re good. I never sent my scouts out, by the way, so that’s why I can’t tell you.
2021-22 NHL season
The Lightning have signed Taylor Hall, David Rittich, Justin Williams, Mikael Granlund, among other roster fillers. Tom Puke doesn’t want to admit he was wrong, but he is trying to ice an actual NHL team, damnit.
The Flames have already started injecting young blood into their roster. Lafreniere is the #1 RW, Ivan Shiskanov is the #3 LW, and Tim Stutzle is centering the fourth line.
And…. it doesn’t work. The game must be upset with me. The Flames are 5-20 in December, an absolutely atrocious record for a team that has mostly remained unchanged and has added three top ten picks into their lineup.
Turns out the game is not upset with me. Virtual Brad Treliving is, much like the real Brad Treliving, investing a lot of money into bad goalies.
Great stuff Brad!
The backup is a guy I’ve never heard of, Dereck Barbineau. Last season, he put up an .875 in the real world AHL. Virtually, he is currently splitting starting duties with Bernier, who has also turned out to be very bad. It’s ruined the fun of the Oilers starting 0-12-3 in the game.
The game has figured out my fan allegiances and is trying to torture me. The Flames acquire Brayden Point at the deadline. That’s good! But, for no particular reason, they make this trade:
Yes, the Flames gave up more to get Adam Larsson than the Oilers did. The trade is three for one. Virtual Treliving has gone mad with power, making way for his 21 first rounders, sense be damned. He’s high off his own supply.
The Oilers still finish last in the league after finishing first in the conference the previous year. Again, the god of this game is going for cheap jokes.
The Flames are, generously, a disaster. They surge back to fourth in the division, but miss the playoffs again. Mark Giordano finishes as the team’s leading scorer with 56 points. Lafreniere finishes with 48, Stutzle with 38, and Shisnakov with 26. The Calder winner is Morgan Frost, acquired by Tampa. Early on, it appears that the Lightning have won the trades.
The Winnipeg Jets win the cup.
And on that wacky note (foreshadowing, perhaps?), we’ll leave you until next week. Find out later if having 20 first round picks on your team is good.
The Battle of the Dominiks
Who are these guys?
By ramz (@RaminaShlah)
Hey everyone, welcome back to another riveting Ramz piece. I again had no idea what to do for this week but it’s in my contract that I had to get something out or Scorch was going to come to my house and give me pink eye. Gross!
This week, it’s a battle of the Dominiks. Recently, the Flames signed Dominik Simon while the Oilers signed Dominik Kahun. How recently you ask? Beats me, I could not tell you when these signings happened, zero clue. They could already be playing for these teams, I wouldn’t know any different. Anyways, you know it’s in my nature to make sure we have the better Dominik at all costs, so that’s what I’m doing. I’ve gotta be honest though, I have zero idea who any of these guys are. Literally no clue. I’ll probably forget their names by the end of the week. Could not pick them out of a crowd.
I don’t know who this man is. He could be walking down the street, I wouldn’t know a thing. Sorry to this man.
That’s about me and these guys, I said that that’s a personal quote from me, don’t look it up.
If there’s a Dominik, does that mean there’s also a Subinik? I’m sorry please don’t unsubscribe. (ed. note: legally, you cannot unsubscribe)
Let’s get into it.
Teams
Dominik Kahun (the bad Dominik) has played for the Chicago hockey team. Dominik Simon (the good Dominik) has never played for the Chicago hockey team. Point to Simon.
Names
I went to grade school with a guy named Simon. I never went to grade school with a guy named Kahun. Point to Simon. Hello, Simon I know you’re not reading this because you don’t care about sports but how are you doing? I hope you’re doing well, I know you wanted to be a music teacher I hope you’re doing that now and you are successful in all your endeavours.
I just looked him up on Facebook and he works for a nonprofit in music hell ya go Simon! And also works for a radio station so that’s super cool congrats Simon. The rest of this article will just be me talking about Simon. No, I’m kidding that’d be weird. I hope he never reads this.
You know I have to talk about their IG accounts. Kahun posts his girlfriend a lot and she’s also very hot so he gets a point for that. But is she actually hot or is she just thin and European? We may never know. However Simon has posted his dogs and they are very cute and Kahun has never posted any dog, so point to Simon.
Simon is also very cool and funny, check these out:
Objectively extremely good photos. I know the captions don’t show but the first one says “used to be cooler”. Anyways, he is cool and funny and he rules, so he gets a point. Kahun’s IG is fine, it’s just boring. It’s a typical hot dude’s IG. Listen, no offence to Simon but since he’s not as hot he gets the personality which rules. Sorry, you can’t be hot and also have a very cool online persona and be funny, it doesn’t work that way. You’re either one or the other. Except for everyone at Scorchstack who are all extremely cool and funny and smart and hot. Guess we just got lucky! Anyways, point to Simon for being cooler.
Numbers
Simon has chosen to wear the number 81, a number never worn by a Flame before because he respects legacies. The Oilers have not announced what number Kahun will be wearing, probably because he’s going to try and get # 99 since he doesn’t respect legacies. Point to Simon.
My grade school friend Simon
You guys I ran out of reasons because I don’t know these guys well enough so I’m going to talk about my old friend Simon again. In grade 9, me, him and this other guy James were best friends and we called ourselves the Three Musketeers because we were 14 and were lame.
Yes I was ugly, yes my eyebrows were a mess, mind your business. I put black circles to protect their identities because I’m a good person. Also while saving that picture I wanted to just make it as short as possible and without giving it another thought I saved it as “3M”. Damn, I think that means Dominik Simon gets another point.
Also while I was looking for that photo I found this lol.
Oh by the way that guy James is extremely hot now and is this hot model who works here and in Korea, I think? Do you all want to see a photo? I won’t post it because I want to respect his privacy but just know that he’s extremely hot now and we used to flirt in grade 9 I swear. Yes, I look Like This now but that’s beside the point. He’s also a really good singer and plays the guitar?? What the heck. Sorry ladies he has a girlfriend. If anyone wants to see what he looks like please DM me and I will show but I will not post it publicly because again I am not rude. Although he’s a model so he probably wouldn’t mind if I do it. Should I? No I won’t.
Anyway, I think Subinik Simon won the Battle. No, I haven’t counted but these are obviously rigged so he wins regardless. Sorry to Kahun.
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What if: The O'Rielly Edition
What if the Tim Horton's wasn't there? Well, then no Masterton
By Konnie (@Konnie49)
With the offseason dragging on into November without any clear cut official start date to the season, and my being absolutely out of any other ideas, I just had to find SOMETHING that could work as an interesting story. Then, realizing we talk about hockey here, I gave up and just looked for a story.
Lucky for me (and you I guess, but no one is forcing you to read this), I'd remembered a conversation my fellow colleagues at the Scorchstack™ and I about the Ryan O’Rielly offer sheet situation.
Don’t remember? Well let me get you caught up. Back in 2012, the NHL owners had completely soiled themselves, telling the world that they just did not have enough money and that the players were taking it all away, thus leading to a lockout. During that time, Ryan O’Reilly who was an RFA with the Colorado Avalanche, decided to go and play for Metallurg Magnitigorsk (this is a steel city on the edge of Siberia, why the bloody hell did he go there?) while holding out for a contract as well for a season. Interesting wrinkle, he originally signed a 2 year deal with Metallurg, anticipating a long holdout with the Avs.
Fast forward through the lockout, with the players submitting to licking the owners boots, a new CBA was agreed to, meaning that their would be a 2012-13 season, albeit a shortened one. Everyone was ready to go back and get going with the season. Everyone except O’Reilly.
As such, the contract negotiation became a hold out, and it seems as though the Avs and O’Reilly were done with each other. He did come back to North America in January but that was due to a fractured ankle. With the injury, O’Reilly and Metallurg terminated their contract and O’Reilly headed home to recover, practicing with the London Knights after his recovery.
With no end in sight to the contract dispute at the end of February, in come Jay Feaster and the Calgary Flames. Wanting to take advantage of a dispute and having absolutely no centre depth to look forward to on the team or any centre prospects worth a damn, they decided they were going to offer sheet O’Reilly.
So, on the 28th of February, the Flames signed O’Reilly to an offer sheet of 2 years with an AAV of $5 million a season. A very modest contract that was designed to be deliberately backloaded such that qualifying offer for when O’Reilly would be an RFA would be at $6.5 million.
Then came the waiver fiasco. There is a rule in the CBA that states any player who was not on the team’s reserve list before the start to the season and has played games in Europe while the NHL season was ongoing (which O’Reilly did in his holdout), then that player must clear waivers before they are able to join their new team.
This means that the Flames would have to send a 2013 1st round pick and a 2013 3rd to Colorado and then likely lose him on waivers to whichever team puts a claim on him. Absolute peak Jay Feaster. For a man who claimed he was smarter than everyone in the NHL, he was poised to be the dumbest. Had it not been for Colorado immediately matching, we would have had the most interesting offer sheet saga since the days of the Brendan Shannahan.
But what if we weren’t robbed from the greatest NHL drama of our generation? What if we lived in a world where the Flames could have become the most embarrassing franchise in the NHL? Or, what if the offer sheet, and Jay Feaster’s ultimate plan on keeping O’Reilly worked?
Scenario #1: O’Reilly is lost to waivers, Flames lose 1st and 3rd
At the time, the thought that a lottery team would lose its first round pick and not even have the player they give up that pick for would send the franchise back years, and even decades. At the time, the 2013 NHL draft had a lot of hype behind it, being the first year I could remember where TV analysts were comparing it to the famous 2003 draft. In this alternate scenario, the Flames were about to lose big time.
Lets say that the draft lottery results remained the same, with Colorado getting the 1st overall pick as well as the 6th. This results in the Avs having a 1-2 punch of Nathan Mackinnon and Sean Monahan coming along side a centre core that already included Paul Stastny and Matt Duchene. With that much depth, and what we know of Sean Monahan as a player now, it is likely that he would have transitioned over to wing, becoming a deadly high danger scorer without having to worry about the defensive side of the game as he would have either MacKinnon or Stastny as his centre.
While Colorado does get immediately better (and likely doesn’t have their horrible 2016-17 season, as well as a potential MacKinnon emergence sooner), the Flames are likely not as screwed as you might think. Yes they don’t have their number 1 centre, and it means they likely suck for even longer, with the miracle 2014-15 run to playoffs nearly impossible.
However, that might not be such a bad thing. See, if the Flames were to suck in 2014-15 as they should have, it likely means the team drafts in a higher position. I’m not saying they get McDavid or anything, but the team that drafted 4th the year before likely drafts around the 3 to 8 range the year after. With the Flames still extremely desperate to draft a centre at this point, I predict the Flames would have drafted Matt Barzal much sooner than when he actually went in real life. I love Sean Monahan a lot, but if it was possible to trade him out for Barzal, its a deal that gets top 10 out 10 times.
A stretch? Yes, but the Flames being consistently shittier for longer might have actually helped them out in the long term, and could have them be more consistent as an organization with a better young centre in their core. Or the Flames could just have picked Noah Hanifin and become the Buffalo Sabres instead.
Oh and the 3rd? Yeah it was Keegan Kanzig, big fucking deal.
Scenario #2: O’Reilly becomes a Flame, NHL rules quickly in favour of Flames
O’Reilly signs his offer sheet, Colorado says no thanks and walks away and all of Flames fandom panics as they are about to lose him and 2 draft picks for nothing. The next day, the NHL comes out and publicly states that the O’Reilly is an exception to the rules and does not have to put him on waivers. O’Reilly becomes a Calgary Flame and likely do slightly better in the 2012-13 season, albeit still missing the playoffs and have to give up the 12th overall pick.
Well this is boring. Yes O’Reilly becomes the best centre the Flames have had in decades not named Mikael Backlund, and likely means the Flames have a quicker rebuild and return to playoff contention sooner and more consistent, but where is the drama? Where is the massive chaos?
This likely benefits the Flames the most out of any scenario but because it is too boring, so it sucks.
Scenario #3: O’Reilly becomes a Flame after a year of arbitration and legal battles
Now this is what I’m talking about. We finally get to see what Jay Feaster was supposedly good at and prepared to do in the event of Colorado declining to match. Almost immediately, Feaster states his case to the NHL as to why the waivers situation does not apply.
Supposedly the original argument was that there was a memorandum of understanding that any restricted free agents or European draft picks of a team were allowed to join their respective clubs without having to go through waivers, as long as they appeared on a club’s roster. Now, key note is that O'Reilly wasn’t a free agent of the Calgary Flames meaning this case wouldn’t exactly apply to him but the official MOU never specifically mentions that it had to be a specifically the club that initially holds their rights.
Maybe the argument stands, maybe it doesn’t and it forces the Flames to build up an argument based around that O’Reilly had his contract terminated before signing with the Flames, or that the new CBA would not be legally finalized and as such could not be used in the proper context of the situation.
Regardless of the situation, it would have lead us to the most interesting year of squabble between club, league and player that would eventually leave the Flames getting to keep O’Reilly and still pay the 1st and 3rd to Colorado.
On the ice, just means that they don’t have O’Reilly for the 2012-13 season, finish as shit as they did and give up Monahan. Not as great as scenario #2, but the Flames would still be in a better position than they were in real life.
Scenario #4: O’Reilly becomes a Flame after a year of arbitration and legal battles, but Flames have to pay extra compensation
So after all the fun we would have covering the Flames ongoing legal battle, the NHL gets mad at the club for putting the league through such an embarrassment and thus have to forfeit a pick much like the Arizona Coyotes had to this year.
Due to the incompetence and the bad look that the Flames have caused, they give up their own 2nd round pick in the following year. This means that the Flames would have had to give up, *gasp*, Mason McDonald! Oh no!
So if the cost of losing Mason McDonald is all that it took to get even more laughs pointed at the Flames, it would have been worth it. This is my choice of scenario I want.
Scenario #5: O’Reilly does not become Flame after a year of arbitration and legal battles and goes on waivers, but Flames still have to pay compensation AND extra compensation penalty
Well this sucks. Flames lose O’Reilly, still are absolute dogshit and lose a high pick like in scenario #1, but then have to pay a pick (lets say 2nd again) in the following year.
Still not as catastrophic because of the points I made above, but still losing an extra asset, even if it was wasted on Mason McDonald.
That concludes the multiple scenarios that I was bothered to think of regarding the Ryan O’Reilly fiasco. Most of them would have been entertaining, especially for having to visualize Jay Feaster defending is “bold” decision making. With how things went for the Flames however, it seems as though what happened in real life ended up being the worst case scenario. Bet you didn’t expect that at the beginning of this piece now did ya?
Reviewing the Halloween Costumes Of Calgary Flames
Let's hope someone dressed up like Carol Freaking Baskin
By floob (@itlooksreal)
Well, All Hallow’s Eve has once again marched off the clock, and I don’t know if you are like me, fellow stackies, but I think my favourite tradition of the entirety of Spooky Seasons is the annual parade of halloween costumes put on by your favourite NHL stars and their families. Over the years, we’ve seen professional hockey players take the skills most prevalent in their toolkits - creativity and worldly knowledge - and put them to good use by hitting their various towns with panache and some of the most stunning and scandalous halloween costumes you’ll ever see on a collection of cis hetero white men.
Of course, I think this haunting offering from TJ Oshie and his wife Lauren as a Dalmatian and Cruella DeVille might be the first thing that pops into your brain when you think of NHLers on Halloween, and rightfully so:
If you look into the wanting dog eyes of Oshie, he will drag your soul down into the depths of hell with him, sorry for the late heads up on that.
But don’t get it twisted, several NHL stars in the social media age have brought their A games when it comes to the revelry and pomp of the season. Who could ever forget the time PK Subban hit the town as Prince:
Or what about Patrick Eaves and his family looking SUPER adorable dressed like the Incredibles:
And how about these unforgettable efforts by Tyler Bozak or Raffi Torres, with their takes on some pop culture legends:
You can see why the post-Halloween NHL costume review is such a fun part of all of our lived experiences.
But it seems to me like the state of the world during the covid-19 pandemic has really put a damper on everyone’s creepy crawly costume spirit, as, despite Halloween falling on a Saturday this year, there was a real subdued approach to costumes this time around, and honestly, even though it’s the right call, especially when these players are trying to keep their families safe in uncertain times, it all felt a little bit lacking.
This is not to say, however, that we weren’t treated to any scary spectacles from the best and brightest of the NHL this season. Being that this is a newsletter focused on your Calgary Flames, obviously it’s in our best interests to review the fits of our favourite players who removed the Flaming C on their chests in favour of a different uniform for one night only (and lots of other nights, they don’t wear the uniform when there are no games being played).
And that’s exactly what I did. I scoured the instagram accounts of all the active Flames players and for any of the ones who posted Halloween pics, and I am going to share those costumes here, along with a reference of what they’re supposed to be, and figure out if they got at all close to getting it right.
Also only two Flames players did anything at all, according to the instagrams. Which is disappointing, to be sure, but at least it means less work for me to do, which we can all agree is what really matters here.
Let’s get to it:
Andrew Mangiapane
Costume Inspiration: The Cat In The Hat
Grade: D
Just a real piss poor effort here. I’m angry just thinking about it. Bread Boy nailed the concept of a really tall hat, just like the titular character of the classic Dr. Seuss saga, but after that, it’s almost like he was trying to portray a completely different character altogether. No bow tie? Where’s the fucking bow tie Andrew? The hat isn’t striped in the same fashion, and what is going on with the goggles? Name one cat that would ever wear goggles. Did you even know the cat in the hat is a cat, because it sure doesn’t look like you tried to make yourself look like one. I think if the cat saw this costume, he would surmise it all by saying “You will like these two things,” said the cat with a bow. “But you will not like this costume by Andrew Mangiapane, because it’s a real dud”
I do like the gloves.
Matthew Tkachuk (with Brady Tkachuk)
Costume(s): Statler and Waldorf from The Muppets
Grade: F
Again, not even fucking close, what is going on here?
Matthew, borrowing from a pretty typical Tkachuk tradition of doing things together as a family, calls in his younger brother and fellow NHLer Brady to help him collab on a group costume, this time taking on the beloved old cranks from Muppets fame, Statler and Waldorf. And oh boy, did they ever miss the mark.
Where is the attention to detail? Statler and Waldorf are, conservatively, 70-80 years old, have not aged well, and have very defined, iconic physical traits that the Tkachuk boys did not try to emulate at all.
They opt for matching argyle sweater vests instead of the standard black and brown suits, and they didn’t even try to rent a balcony to sit in for this photo! The standard old guy crotchety-ness is completely missing from their photo op as well, it almost looks like they’re happy to be watching whatever it is they’re taking in. To quote the legendary muppets, “That’s gonna leave a mark!”
With such poor efforts as the ones we’ve seen here from Tkachuk and Mangiapane, maybe it’s a good thing that more of the Calgary Flames opted not to show off their costumes this year. We expect and deserve better next season, boys!
Up Next Week
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Episode 2 of the podcast. We reveal our new sponsor, Monsanto. I mean, Doctors Without Borders.
You might have seen there was an election in America. Well, now there’s a new President, and it’s Buddy Robinson. We sit down for an exclusive interview.