SpookyStack Issue #11- A newsletter about the CalGORY Flames
Tonight, we regale the tale of..... Chris Tanev's Contract [children run off screaming]
Happy Halloween (in three days), germs and ghouls. We present an extra spOOoooOOOooOOky edition of the ScorchSlash (is that a better title?), which if you’ve been a frequent reader, means that we may or may not have any spooky content. Likely not.
What’s inside?
Okay we have spooky stuff. Floob takes you on a tour of the Calgary Flames Haunted House
We introduce our brand new writer, and he’s bringing the heat: why Johnny Gaudreau should be written out of Calgary’s history books
Mike returns with fake hockey to supplant the lack of real hockey, and he’s making some shocking moves
Nathan tracks down long lost old friends in a little piece which is too wholesome for what is ostensibly the spooky edition.
Since last week
The Flames signed a bunch of guys, forcing us to reconsider our once a week format. We considered that, no, we will not be changing it at this time.
We took over the Flames, bought a bunch of athleisure wear, reviewed social media and Brad Treliving’s buyouts in ScorchStack #10. It was a good one, folks.
Enter, If You Dare, The Haunted Ghostiabank Saddledoom
awash with golf dads named Glenn who wear cargo pants. The horror!
by fLoOoOoOoOb
Good evening, my precious ghouls and goblins. Scary season is upon us once again, and I am here before you now to give account apologues of terror that are sure to set your soul ablaze. Can you feel the chill in the air, lingering, breathless on your skin, perpetually reminding you of the fright that is your Calgary Flames? Or should we say the Ahhhhhhlgary Flames, for they are known to strike fear into the hearts of any who dare lay eyes upon them?
Don’t believe me? Allow me to present to you the most skin-crawling, revolting, spookiest creepies and crawlies you’ve ever seen, in -
/a literal bat flies into my face and claws out my eyes while screeching into my ear
/blood forever pouring out of my now exposed eye socket
-in a hockey arena! In light of recent news, I guess it will drive you bats!
Nay, the tales you absorb here will not be for the faint of heart. Beyond these doors lies nightmares you thought lay dormant, never to cross your path agai-
/Doctor Frankenstein emerges, seemingly out of the ether, cuts off my head and replaces it with the zombified husk of 2013 flood era Harvey the Hound, before hollowing out my skull and using it as a soap dish FOR THE GUEST BATHROOM!
Look, we should get a move on before things keep happening to me. Uh….where was I? Right, through...through these creaky gates and cold hallways, we come across our first frightful sight. Feast your eyes upon it, if you can! (Because I can’t)
Our story begins with a kooky General Manager named Bad TreDying, a depraved man who delighted in shocking you into stupefaction, making you realize he signed a third pairing defenseman (arguably not even that!) to a contract that would pay him more per season than what Andrew Mangiapane will this year! Recoil in terror as you realize this sloth-like creature will be TJ Brodie’s main partner in the playoffs when Mark Giordano is lost for the season!
And, you might ask, whatever became of Mr. Engelland and this revolting contract? Some say he still roams these halls, preventing the team from signing key players, or attracting quality free agents. Others say people still retweet that Bob McKenzie tweet, for laughs, as if they are a clown, one that gets off on your pain, laughing at you while you cry, shivering on the floor, paralyzed. Talk about a no movement clause! /Laughs maniacally
Oh I’m sorry, were you not ready for that?! The frightful sights and shuddering sounds come at you fast and furious here inside the Saddledooooom. You never know when you’ll see a ham fisted oaf of a manager draft a kid on a Quebec high school team who maybe should be drafted in the fifth round at 21st overall! Watch as his ghoulish, twisted, frankly very STUPID mouth tells the world he will be the best player in his draft class within ten years. Recall the agony knowing that will never, EVER happen! Remembering all of this probably makes you say JanOUCHIE muahahah-
/an entire pack of werewolves blindsides me, rips me open and starts feasting on my innards like it’s a pre-covid all you can eat buffet
Uh, let’s move on, this might have to be an express trip through the rest of the tour.
Okay I’m honestly still too mad about this to commit to the bit here.
BUT WHAT ABOUT THIS??!?!!??!
Such dispirited and ugly rags! What kind of debased miscreant would subject you to what appear to be...Canadian Tire….practice jerseys? Do they suck the will to live out of those who are cursed to adorn it? That for sure seems to be the fate for these sullen mortals who appear forever damned to be stuck in them. Look at Curtis Glencross! Look at him! No one has seen him since this picture was taken. That is...his cross to bear!
Is it bad that I can’t feel anything below my waist? Why is it so damn cold in here?
Please watch your step, there are demons and zombies roaming these halls, and a mere glimpse of them is enough to set you hurtling off in the other direction, forever screaming, robbing your hair of colour and permanently altering the timbre of your voice. No one quite knows why they are here or what they are supposed to do, and quite frankly are supposed to scare you but mostly you wonder why they’re here at all, because they don’t appear to be very effective at that, and if they don’t do that, what else do they do?
Told you.
/I get pelted with a full ass pumpkin, sending me sprawling, as the Headless Horseman from Sleepy Hollow charges at me full bore upon his trusty steed, hunting me relentlessly as he does every year on this very day, which is to be my plight until we both fulfill my bloody and mortal destiny.
See you next week!
The Flames need to move on from Johnny Gaudreau- as a player and as a memory
By Francis Ericsson
Any resemblance to any other controversial Flames writer is purely coincidental
Another week until the 2020-21 NHL season.
Another week the Flames haven’t traded Johnny Gaudreau.
And frankly, I’m sick of it.
The Flames needed to move on from their diminutive left winger yesterday. The team should cut ties - immediately and completely.
In fact, I think the Flames need to move on so completely, that they should erase him from the team history books. They should never acknowledge that Johnny Gaudreau ever played for them.
The franchise has been aching for a clean break, and erasing Gaudreau from the records is a first step. The Flames selected no one in the fourth round of the 2011 draft. No one scored six points against the Devils that one night. Sean Monahan’s best friend is no one.
I’ve already altered my personal books to reflect this, and in fact, I’m starting to go further. My weekly articles and multiple TV spots about the subject have not gotten the job done. It’s time to take matters into my own hands.
For example, I approached my weekly radio spot by refusing to acknowledge the disappearing #13. “Who is that,” I asked “I think I saw a #13 on the ice for the Flames, but I figured that can’t be right and that maybe I should get glasses again. Perhaps I was in a fugue state and imagined that Theo Fleury was playing for the Flames again.” It’s quite a statement on the modern media industry that my fellow colleagues have blackballed me for “ruining” a one hour show by “stonewalling” them. It’s sad some refuse to see the truth.
This extends beyond my professional life. Recently, I was in a Calgary Flames Fanattics store, where I saw they were selling #13 jerseys. I asked the salesperson, “hey, I didn’t know you guys sold toilet paper” while gesturing towards the jerseys. “What, is this? Toilet paper to wipe my ass with? I knew that people were going crazy buying toilet paper, but I didn’t think you guys had to sell toilet paper too, which these jerseys are.” Perhaps I shouldn’t have expected more from a literal team owned store, but I think involving mall security was a little much.
People may think that this is “ridiculous” or “insane” but I live my principles. I wish the Flames would do the same when they say they’re committed to building a winner.
I’m being punished for telling the truth as it is, and the truth that no one is allowed to say. People acknowledge that Gaudreau is the problem, but they don’t want to say it. Just the other day, I was walking through the neighbourhood and passed by someone wearing a Gaudreau shirsey and I stopped her to have a frank conversation. I respectfully brought up that Gaudreau disappeared during the playoffs and that he would’ve fallen 30 points short of his previous season had COVID-19 not cancelled the regular season. She was stunned! Nothing to say! I brought up his lack of physicality and determination to win, and she seemed extremely uncomfortable with the truth.
But of course, even in this ordinary neighborhood interaction, people didn’t want to hear the truth. “Why are you yelling at a 12 year old?” one bystander asked. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” said another. Just another example of this sad intellectual honesty problem in this crazy world.
Everything I’ve described is proof that Johnny Gaudreau has a poisonous effect on not only this organization on the ice, but off it. This team is never going to be able to move on - and move forward - unless they move past their “superstar.”
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The Weekly NHL 21 Update
The ScorchStack is trying to run the Calgary Flames in virtual NHL 21 land to prove some sort of point, one that might get us NHL jobs.
By Mike (@mikepfeil_)
Last week we closed out the preseason with a 5-2 record, signed Mikael Granlund, and signed Dominik Kahun. We’re already the best armchair GMs ever. This week? Winning regular season games. We also put a significant amount of effort into determining how we want this team to play. We’ll be looking into changing things regularly, while observing games, and making adjustments.
We felt this combination works well with how our roster is designed for a few reasons, which include:
Highly mobile, with an emphasis on attempting to suppress play in the neutral zone/blueline.
We want an aggressive forecheck, with puck retrieval as a key component.
Every entry, if possible, needs to be carried in. We know this leads to more goals and we intend to explore it. If I have to track games like a nerd I will.
We’re running a diamond PK because it’s the closest option to ideal from my perspective. This is the greatest deficiency in these games; being unable to actually design a PK the way we would intend is not available.
Our powerplay approach is one we’re not 100% confident on collectively. We think we have enough shooting talent, we’ll calibrate this as the season goes.
So how did our Flames do? Well they won the first-game of the season in which feels like an impossible task in real life because that hasn’t happened since the 2009-10 season. Back then I had a hope in my eyes, a head of hair, and frequented goth bars on weekends with my friends. Now I’m miserable and old.
We stopped play at an 8-2 record by October 27th given the roster changes that occurred very close to month-end. New-Flame Jacob Markstrom started nine of a possible 10 games posting a 7-2 record with an all-situations SV% of .912. David Rittich saw a single start posting a win and a .952 SV%.
In terms of point production, the roster was unrealistically above-expectations when it came to filling the net:
Scorchstack Child of The Month, sponsored by The Pet Shop Abu Dhabi located in the Dalma Mall
Dillon Dube, strictly because of this hit on Ben Chiarot? Chariot? Shitrot? Who knows; his body succumbed to utter calamity there. Leave him in an unmarked grave.
He will be given a $20 gift card to the Glenbow Museum Gift Shop to encourage growth outside of hockey. If Dube gets one more player of the month award, we’ll be covering his eyebrow budget for the rest of the season. Estimated operating expenses cost: $1M.
Personnel News
We elected to move Andrew Mangiapane to the RW3 along side Dube and Sam Bennett, which proved to be extremely effective in ending a two-game losing streak.
Noah Hanifin has one fight this season already (footage not captured because of the sheer surprise it invoked). As the CHEL kids say: fuckin’ BEAUTY. I hate myself for typing this.
Alex Petrovic died briefly in Stockton. We used a Lazarus Pit to resurrect him from the dead, but not his NHL career.
The Trade Front
We’ve started entertaining discussions in our giant, shared office with six desks; this was a significant component to being hired: that all six of us had desks in the same office. Sure we could have two offices, with three of us per office but that’s inefficient spending. Six desks, one office. Moral is unstoppable and our collective brainstorming cannot be calculated.
While we were hard at work we were shocked this easily acceptable trade offer would appear in front of us. We pretended to make it look like it was a hard decision but we parted ways with David Rittich (votes 4-0. Absent: Konnie and Ramz):
While we love Big Save Dave™ and everything he has done for the organization, we feel this package is 100% going to be a better option for the franchise moving forward. Rittich was a UFA at the end of season and we’re comfortable with our options in the system. The picks acquired give us the necessary assets accrued to make deals or draft additional talent.
Jesper Fast, who recently signed a sweetheart deal, will give us useful depth across the roster. At three years left, Fast provided 2.7 GAR and 0.5 WAR (0.9 SPAR) last year with the Rangers. While the long-term outlook has dramatically changed because of this deal, we know that a contract like this can be moved or buried if necessary.
Because of this, we recalled Louis Domingue from Stockton and set our forward lines to the following.
At a moment’s notice we have flexibility across the entire forward ranks. In November, part of the front office’s goal is looking at unsigned talent to bolster our AHL roster in preparation for the grind of the season. The main components we’re looking for would be:
12/13/14 forward caliber talent, within realistic terms which can slot in depending on injuries/performance
A home for Milan Lucic’s contract
A top-four option in Stockton to help solidify their defense
Next week we’ll explore our results from November, discuss in detail about Lucic’s future with our club, and provide an update on Stockton to plot the trajectory of the future of our franchise.
Statistical data cited was provided by Evolving-Hockey.com / Support them on Patreon.
Nathan 4 You: A Scorchstack Investigation
Uncovering a mystery you can really sink your teeth into
By Nathan (@hanoten)
During this past week, fellow Scorchie Floob submitted an all-time great photo to the Twitter account rappers wearing hockey jerseys, showing Danny Brown in a Calgary Flames jersey.
It got me to thinking about other Calgary Flames celebrity connections. With all due respect to Jarod Joseph and his line of Flames apparel, that one golfer who likes the Flames, and the living brand/husk Terry Cahill, there isn’t a lot. (ed note- Macgyver, occasional Jackass Brandon DiCamillo, but point still stands)
However, there is someone with legitimate celebrity credential who seems to think fondly of the Flames, and that is the frontman of the Grammy-winning Vampire Weekend, Ezra Koenig.
Now, this could have just been a fun bit because honestly Ezra and I have similar rankings for our text response priority list, but a little research shows that he has (had?) a legitimate connection to the Calgary Flames.
I had to know: who is Ezra Koenig’s friend who became a Calgary Flame? He gives a great clue that he was traded from the LA Kings, and that this had to happen before July 25, 2013. Derek Forbort and Oscar Fantenberg are thus eliminated.
The first place I went to do my research was looking at the roster of the 2012-2013 Flames, as this was the most recent season before the tweet and it was possible that’s why the Calgary Flames were so fresh in his mind for the initial tweet.
This made me sad, because it was the season Jarome Iginla was traded. Good lord, that team was garbage. I wouldn’t have texted them over benign randos, so Ezra Koenig is a more generous person than I am.
Fuck you, Jay Feaster.
From this list, only two players could have potentially fit the bill from a cursory Wikipedia search: Tim Jackman and Michael Cammalleri. Jackman is ruled out as he played for the New York Islanders between L.A. and Calgary.
Michael Cammalleri is the first legitimate candidate in my research, as he was traded from L.A. to Calgary on June 20, 2008. There’s only a two-year difference between Koenig and Cammalleri. It looks promising.
However, there’s absolutely no evidence of their friendship online, and I’m hoping for something a little bit more conclusive. No one turned off Nathan For You’s “Finding Frances” halfway through. There has to be more to this story.
I decided to check the all-time list of trades between the Calgary Flames, going back to 1984, when Koenig was born. Thankfully, there weren’t a lot of trades and one of them was entirely for picks. This left three trades:
February 10, 1996: Los Angeles Kings acquire Craig Ferguson (no, not the Scottish television host) from the Calgary Flames for Pat Conacher.
February 18, 2000: Los Angeles Kings acquire Allan Egeland from the Calgary Flames in exchange for future considerations.
January 29, 2007: Los Angeles Kings acquire Jamie Lundmark and picks from the Calgary Flames for Craig Conroy.
The future considerations are a dead end, so that leaves Pat Conacher and current AGM Craig Conroy. Considering that Ezra Koenig would have been 15 at the time of the Conacher trade and Conacher would have been 40, I’m going to go out on a limb and eliminate him.
This leaves me between Craig Conroy and Michael Cammalleri. There’s potential connections for both.
Conroy and Koenig both grew up in New York, and state pride seems like it’s a real thing. Maybe their parents met at a state fair? Those are always brought up for whatever reason.
Cammalleri and Koenig are both Jewish. Perhaps they met at an oneg after Shabbat one time at synagogue? They are closer in age, and seem like their lives would have better reason to cross. Maybe my first guess was better than I wanted to believe.
Neither Conroy or Cammalleri have social media anymore, so there goes my best investigative tool.
Dejected, I walked away from this piece for a while. Everything else in 2020 has pretty much gone exactly as planned, so this kind of upset was pretty emotionally damaging.
That’s when I realized, that the players used to have social media, before they forgot that NHL players are supposed to be boring. And looking for remnants of their social media led me to this:
Thank you robpattinson.blogspot.com - the premier destination for everything Robert Pattinson which is still up despite not being active since 2016 - for preserving this and making me realize I was going about this all wrong. I was so focused on Ezra Koenig the person that I wasn’t focused on Ezra Koenig: vampire enthusiast. His band is named Vampire Weekend, inspired by a failed short film that Koenig himself tried to make in college about vampires.
Of course he would have a relationship with Robert Pattinson. He’s up there with Dracula and Mitch McConnell as some of the most famous vampires. And now that I realized that Cammalleri and Pattinson were workout buddies, their blooming friendship makes sense.
2008 was a huge year for all of them. The first Twilight film was released. Vampire Weekend released their first album. Michael Cammalleri was traded from the Los Angeles Kings to the Calgary Flames. These all hold the same weight for these men, presumably.
The above photo was from a blog post in 2011, so we know that Cammalleri kept in touch with his Hollywood vampire pal(s). Tons of time for their bonds to deepen enough for Ezra Koenig to one day send out a vague reference tweet to their friendship.
This is all the evidence I need, and I challenge anyone to disprove this.
Michael Cammalleri is Ezra Koenig’s real friend turned Calgary Flame.
A Quick Update Before We Go
As you can see, Ramina was given a clean bill of health and was cleared to contribute to this week’s issue.
Unfortunately she still can’t, as she’s been suspended for doing Italian racism.
Up Next Week
We listened to Theo Fleury’s country album for real this time. Check out our collective review on Sunday.
Sharing purple Gatorade is unfeasible in these pandemic times- five ScorchStack inventions to make post-goal celebrations a hygenic and safe ritual
The Flames need to play hardball with Juuso Valimaki: he shouldn’t be allowed to come over if he isn’t wearing that handsome gold helmet