ScorchStack Issue #118 - No explanations, just “scran”
It's time for Scranstack
Just in case we don’t say it enough, Scorchstack has been team Backlund since the very beginning and it comes as no surprise to see he’s once again doing everything possible for this team with an inverse in payoff. Sure, it’s important to remember to #BackTheStack. But let’s not forget a tale as old as time: #BacksAndStack
Last issue, we had articles by Tibs, Nathan, and Konnie.
This issue, we again have articles by Tibs, Nathan, and Konnie.
Don’t even have to change the bylines this is extremely ideal.
Get ready for Scranstack, to boo loudly at select individuals, and also for the trade deadline.
Since last issue
We published Scorchstack #117 right in the middle of when Twitter was down. Twitter is probably still going down full time but we’ll be there, tweeting things right to the bitter end.
Flames have been real Flamey, both to the absolute chagrin but complete lack of surprise to everyone.
Elias Lindholm had a kid! That’s nice.
Ramz knocked it out of the park again with the Flames Valentine’s Day cards. Hopefully you used one if not all to help get you laid.
by Tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
If you’ve been on twitter, you’ve likely seen a tweet from the account FootyScran. FootyScran is a user-submitted account dedicated to informing sports fans of the scran offered by various football clubs around the world, and lets the followers determine if it is scran or no scran (it is specifically “no scran.” Scran either exists or doesn’t). No marketing bullshit, real food pics of what’s served.
Although one could theoretically use this account as a traveller’s guide to the football world, it’s functionally an account for gawking at pictures of bad food at low prices and thinking about the sad souls who pay pounds (and add them! Ha ha) to consume creations like the one below.
You might think “well that’s definitely a burger made with store-brand ingredients, I don’t see what the big deal is aside from the price.” Reader, there were hundreds of horrifying choices I could’ve made. I chose mercy this time.
What is “scran” you might ask, and how does it differ from normal food? Great question. Both normal British food and scran are tasteless and often involve (generously) questionable components, such as mushy peas, things which technically qualify as meat, bread products where it’s impossible to tell whether it’s fresh or stale, and inappropriate usage of gravy. For example, this.
What makes it scran is some sort of unquantifiable calculation, mostly factoring in variables like appearance and price, and occasionally which football club is selling it. For example, this loaded hot dog at a reasonable ~$13 CAD considering all the fixings has been voted 70-30 scran vs no scran. My best guess as to the 30 is that the hot dog is sold by the hated Arsenal football club.
Let’s take a quick look at what is or is not scran. This Mexican hot dog sold by Orlando City SC is decisively scran, winning 80-20. However, it is less scran than Dusseldorf’s simple sausage in a hamburger bun, as it does not come with a pint (83-17 scran). It is also less scran than this Polish pizza creation, which is slightly more scran (81-19) due to the reasonable $6 CAD price.
So naturally, we are applying the scran test to Saddledome food. Since I only thought of this article about five minutes ago, I do not have my own photos and I’m stealing them from other places. I’m also guessing the prices. No explanations, just “scran” or “no scran.” No scale beyond “scran” or “no scran.” Fuck real journalism, this is Scranstack.
From Daily Hive’s “Best food at the Scotiabank Saddledome concourse in Calgary this year.”
Banded Peak classic nachos- $12
Pizza 73 slice of pizza - $9
Burgers and Brew cheeseburger - $12.50
Getting Veggie With It vegan burger - $14.00
Foothills Creamery Cinnamon Swirl Soft Serve- $7.50
Pocket Dawg - $8.50
Ignited test kitchen pork belly and noodles- I don’t think this is available anymore
Chicken fingers and fries - not on the menu? Guessing $14
Stampede Buffet- also not on the menu, also from 2009. I would guess this cost $12
Twitter users who tweeted the words “saddledome” and “food”
Look, I honestly thought there was more to tap on this well. Oh well.
In order: no scran, scran, scran
This has been Scranstack. Make sure to post photos of your Saddledome food experience and tag it with #Scranstack so we can see it.
We have some questions still in the mailbag but not enough to publish another edition to ask us literally any question not hockey related. We can and will help guide you through your divorce and/or newfound gluten intolerance. Or if you need to kill a lot of time with a new video game.
Which players should you actually be booing
Maximize your hatred in increasingly funnier ways
by Nathan (@hanoten)
Last Saturday night when the Flames were giving hope they might still be a playoff team against the Rangers, Adam Fox was mercilessly booed as is apparently tradition. Just like Matthew Tkachuk and Johnny Gaudreau, fans were livid that players exercised one of the increasingly few options available to them from a labour perspective. That shouldn’t come as a surprise given that people still boo the mayor for not handing literal billionaire Murray Edwards a blank check as folks absolutely love to get it wrong. However, there is something to be said for the unification of the communal howling of displeasure.
Adam Fox does not deserve your boos. Neither did Johnny Gaudreau, and neither did Matthew Tkachuk. This was covered in our recap of Scorchcon 2.0 where Tkachuk was celebrated but noted rat fink Ryan Lomberg was run out of town and deservedly so.
So instead, here is a list of players who you should actually boo for the remaining home games. Every game needs someone to be booed, so it’s a Scorchstack imperative that you actually boo them. Loudly. Mercilessly. As long as they’re in the building, don’t even care if they’re on the ice. If it baffles everyone, boo harder. Every game needs an enemy and you’re a sucker if you leave that up to fate.
Feb. 28 vs. Boston: If you think it’s Brad Marchand, you’re boring. There’s a guy you wish was on your team. No, the Scorchstack enemy of the game is Derek Forbort. This guy cost the team a 4th round pick for just seven regular season games? Sure, he scored the dumbest ever goal in the 2020 playoffs vs. Dallas in the bubble, but that hockey wasn’t real so it didn’t count.
Mar. 2 vs. Toronto: Mark Giordano has been a real prick since leaving Calgary, it’s about time we all said boo about it collectively. If you’re like oh nooooooo I could never boo a former captain (nerd) then go with Nick Robertson, who got a lot of hype over being “the first 18-year-old to make his NHL debut in the playoffs since Jarome Iginla” and is extremely not a player worth the comparison to Iginla. But it’s definitely Giordano.
Mar. 4 vs. Minnesota: I think it would be great if Frederik Gaudreau was booed either for his past crimes as being fake Gaudreau (Barclay Goodrow also applies here) but also the idea of fans getting so worked up about the name Gaudreau now and booing and frothing at the mouth is incredibly funny at the wrong Gaudreau.
Mar. 10 vs. Anaheim: There are two games against Anaheim so take your pick. As far as former nothing Flames, we actually send our best wishes to former Scorchstack issue namesake Justin Kirkland who is also an NHLer involved in a car crash this year. Scary shit. I guess that just leaves Derek Grant, who by all accounts was serviceable if memory serves but most of my memories are beat reporters trying to get me to like Derek Grant so I will boo in protest of that. We get he talks to you more than he needs to, every game is a blessing for him and that doesn’t make him a necessary interview over and over.
Mar. 12 vs. Ottawa: I feel like the mainstream hockey media collectively decided to let Austin Watson off the hook after he was charged (and pleaded no contest!) to misdemeanor domestic assault but I simply will not. And neither should you.
Mar. 18 vs. Dallas: Nothing wrong with him per se but it’s on the record that Joe Pavelski always seems to torch the Flames and personally I’m sick of it.
Mar. 23 vs. Vegas: If he’s healthy, all Flames fans should be booing Mark Stone in solidarity with Forever A Flame Mike Stone, because getting shown up by your younger sibling would presumably suck (wouldn’t know personally). If he’s still injured by then, boo the social media team and they’ll probably tweet a microaggression in response.
Mar. 25 vs. San Jose: Two home games against San Jose as well, so for the first game….there is barely anyone noteworthy on the Sharks except for Erik Karlsson who rules and should be actively cheered on. I don’t know, one time Sam Bennett had a big hit on Radim Šimek and it got nasty between the teams. Said friend of the Stack Kelly Hrudey of the hit, “Jeepers, you gotta have your head up” so you know it was big. Apparently the whole Sharks team was quoted as being “ticked” but also it allowed Evander Kane of all people to call people out and act real big like he would have hurt Bennett if the situation called for it. So boo Radim Šimek who could have avoided all of this if he just kept his head up. Jeepers.
Mar. 28 vs. Los Angeles: I went with a couple of buddies to an earlier Kings game this year where we had a lot of fun mercilessly booing Drew Doughty and yelling about consent every time he touched the puck. There were a couple of Kings fans who were watching every game on the road trip which is funny enough, and they turned around and said to us “Come on, that was like a decade ago.” My good buddy Stuart in his drunken glory looks them dead in the eyes and said some shit like “It’s crazy how sexual assault just disappears after ten years like your driving record,” and they shut up and then left early.
Apr. 2 vs. Anaheim: My friend Gordon in my fantasy hockey league a couple years ago named his team “I made your Mom Comtois times last night” and that was gross. Sorry to Max Comtois but I will be booing you over this.
Apr. 4 vs. Chicago: Not a singular likeable person on this roster except for maybe like….Andreas Athanasiou. Who would even be going to this game? It’s a Tuesday night, come to my trivia night instead.
Apr. 10 vs. Nashville: Mark Jankowski???
Apr. 12 vs. San Jose: Who cares….Logan Couture? Although as Scorchie Tibs said, he might appreciate the attention. Floob votes for Evgeny Svechnikov for constantly making him think he’s his brother Andrei. If they call up Aaron Dell, absolutely let loose on the pride of Airdrie. Or just boo the Flames if they have to lean real hard into fan appreciation territory if they really blow the season.
And there you have it! Happy hating everybody.
We’re still doing this so you might as well get your questions in. No questions about hockey allowed.
Cheer up, it’s almost the deadline
You just know something big is
definitely probably maybe gonna happen!
by Konnie (@konnie49)
Hey look, the trade deadline is two weeks away, and already big moves involving the biggest names have already happened. Yes, that means there is no Ryan O’Reilly or Vladimir Tarasenko (Блять) available to trade for, but gosh darn it there is still some intriguing names out there for the Flames to trade for!
Before you saying anything, yes I know. The Flames stink right now, and aren’t playing like they are a trade away from being a contender, especially for a rental. However, that’s boring, just like team. Who cares about picks that are only gonna get good when the team is pure dog shit and their primes will be wasted, likely many a Calgary Flame? Trade ‘em away for, if nothing else, a little bit of joy in this DayQuil-ass season. Here are some names that I would find really fun for the Flames to get, even if some of them aren’t particularly that good.
I don’t know much about him really, but he is nickname is Barbie and I just think that’s really funny.
Yes, I know. He does stink and is just the type of boring defenceman that this team is currently swimming in. He provides barely any offence and is perceived to be much more at defence than is talked about on TSN or Sportsnet. A bland, 3rd pairing defenceman that a coach like Sutter salivates over.
And that’s exactly why he’d be perfect here. Just imagine the juicy takes of hockey fans trying their very hardest to be funny dunking on the management (yes yes, pot meet kettle [shut up]). “How could they do this! What are they thinking????” all without realizing that Schenn would actually do pretty well here. Hell, Sutter make Erik Gudbranson pretty Goodbranson for the first time in his career here, and Schenn basically is a carbon copy of him. Hell, a decent 20 games of a Sutter coached Schenn might even get some sucker to fork over a monstrously stupid 4x4 contract like Columbus did with our previously mentioned handsome lad. All that is definitely worth a 3rd round pick in my eyes.
James van Riemsdyk
About two weeks ago, I dreaded when I heard the Flames linked to JVR. A monstrous cap hit that would take up most if not all their cap space heading into the deadline and all for a guy who can redirect a few pucks in front of the net and nothing else. Then two weeks passed and I realize how badly they could use some of that.
In fact, he is playing pretty well for a truly dogshit Flyers team. In fact, as I am writing this, I had to erase a paragraph where his empty calorie scoring could actually be really fun if nothing else cause of just how much effort it feels like it takes for this Flames team to score a goal. However, JVR seems to be holding his own, his team isn’t getting out-chanced while his on the ice, and even helps generate some of his own. His goal total of nine and point total of 23 isn’t amazing, but he’s actually not too bad this season.
Uhh. Yeah, he’d be fun. Cause, there would be more offense total.
Yeah he sucks shit at defence. Imagine Sutter having to deal with that.
Yeah, I’m buying into the fact that some insiders have linked the Flames to him. This is an absolute longshot of every happening but boy it would this be a fun move. Chychrun has returned from recovering from injury for a long time and is still surprisingly the same No. 1 defenceman he was before. It would cost a lot of assets to bring him here (like say goodbye to Coronato levels), but it would put the team in an interesting crossroads.
The Flames top 4 is pretty set in stone with Weegar, Tanev, Andersson and Hanifin, with Kylington still likely to return at some point this year or next. As such, it may seen Chychrun redundant to bring in. However, Hanifin is only one more season after this one away from free agency, and he is gonna be asking for quite a lot of money. Say the team is not as excited to potentially give him what he asks for, he might be a very interesting trade commodity over the summer, especially with Chychrun at under $4mil as your insurance. Would make the team a lot more comfortable with moving Hanifin for something big. Options baby, options!
Also, remember that time half the roster was named Mike? Let’s do that with Jakobs.
Come on, he finally got some time on the wing and actually did not too bad before getting injured again. Plus, everyone still likes him too. You know it would really cool, even if he might be fully cooked at the end of the year.
You know, I’m not 100% sold that Lou isn’t thinking about trading a guy he just signed for eight years. The Islanders are still dog shit, and let’s be real, Horvat got exactly what he would get on the open market. If there is anyone ballsy enough to do it, it would be Lou, and it would break a lot of Canucks’ fans hearts.
There you have it, a list of names that probably aren’t getting traded here, and probably won’t move the needle if they were to. But hey, it would make that team ever so slightly more watchable. They might just lose to a bottom-five team by one goal instead of two.
Up Next Week
Flames play their first game in Mullett Arena tonight which sure will be something that the broadcast talks way too much about. After all the weird hype about it this year, it’s safe to say that anyone who overly cares about Arizona or their arena needs help.
Lot of Scorchies have settled or are settling into new actual jobs so anyone’s guess if that gets our posting schedule back on track or not.