ScorchStack Issue #117 - If Alex Trebek was still alive, he would have eaten him alive
Twitter DMs are down so it's a fun little treat for the rest of the Scorchies to see this in their inbox too
Oh you wanted a big name at the trade deadline? Let’s temper those expectations just a little bit, shall we?
The Flames were mentioned on Jeopardy! again but they should have been and we deep dive the fuck who made it happen.
Hey uhhhh Vladimir Tarasenko, Тебе нравится то, что ты видишь?
Since last issue
Uhhhhhhhh the All-Star Game?
The official list of random guys the Flames will trade for at the deadline
A third-round pick? Don't mind if I do
by Tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
Heading into trade deadline, the Flames actually are in a favourable spot. They can add ~$5.5M in hits and potentially more depending on Oliver Kylington’s status. That’s some serious cash to splash, nearly top six winger money. Get some favourable salary retention, and that’s some serious spending that can be done.
But these are the Flames, they never do anything good at the deadline besides tease everyone. You’ll hear whispers, rumours, chatter, and speculation. And then the deadline will hit with the Flames having one more piece of business and turns out it’s some guy. He doesn’t fill a need nor does he improve the roster. You will forget him nearly instantly.
Here’s that list of guys. I found them on Capfriendly.
Mark Jankowski (ed. note: ???)
The list wasn’t long enough so I threw in some basketball players. Anyways, see you at deadline time!
Adding a disgraced Jeopardy contestant to the list of Scorchstack enemies
Fuck to you, Jake DeArruda
by Nathan (@hanoten)
During the big gap in Calgary Flames hockey, there was still so much great entertainment to consume that it almost made us ask: why go back to the NHL? This article isn’t about that though, but instead a particularly disappointing moment in Jeopardy! that is going to live in my brain for a while.
On January 30, Jake DeArruda (a delivery dispatcher from Vermont) was trying to extend his winning streak of one day to two against competitors Sarah Howard (a Ph.D candidate from North Carolina) and Sam Meegan (an attorney from California). As a fairly regular Jeopardy! viewer, I had no strong opinions on Jake beforehand, though this would prove to be a mistake (more on that later).
In the Double Jeopardy round, in the category “Worst Case Ontario” which is one of the better references that Jeopardy! themes have had, the $800 clue was:
The intraprovince rivalry between the national’s capitals Ottawa Senators & these provincial capital NHLers comes to a fever of hate.
And ol’ Jake goes ahead and says the Flames. Truly disgusting. Kudos to Sam for swooping in to correctly answer the Maple Leafs.
Now, you might be thinking that this is harsh on Americans and that Canadian knowledge doesn’t transfer over, like the time the Final Jeopardy question was essentially “What’s the French word for water” but as we learned in the bit where the contestants get to speak that there was a bizarre amount of hockey discussed? Sarah was formerly a cheerleader for the Carolina Hurricanes, so bit odd that she didn’t buzz in. Jake’s interview saw him brag about, and this is not a joke, owning some confetti from the Boston Bruins 2011 Stanley Cup parade. We look forward to him becoming a regular commentator for Sportsnet next season.
Sadly, Jake would go on to win this episode and another, but not before pissing off a lot of the regular Jeopardy! viewers for his dumb shtick. Fist-pumping when getting answers and miming three-pointers during the introductions are forgivable I guess, but talking over Ken Jennings is too far. If Alex Trebek was still alive, he would have eaten him alive and then made a great joke about it.
Seriously, look at this guy. Fuck you Jake DeArruda for a litany of reasons. I appreciate that Jeopardy! producers basically came out after his run and apologized for him, but also it gave him another chance to display who he truly is.
We should have known the second he mixed up the Flames and the Leafs that this guy would suck. Thankfully, he did not win enough to be eligible for the Jeopardy! Tournament of Champions.
If you want to remember better times when the Calgary Flames were on Jeopardy!, we have you covered.
We’re still doing this so you might as well get your questions in. No questions about hockey allowed.
Why Russian hockey players would love Calgary
Totally not just a blatant attempt at recruiting a certain winger from St. Louis
by Konnie (@konnie49)
You know, as a person who is Russian, I have loved it here in Calgary. I’ve spent most of my life living here, engraved myself into the community, and I realized just how big it is in this great (and not cold at all during the March, April, May, and definitely June months). As someone who has an Eastern European background, I can not think of a place I would like to spend 4 to 6 months more than Calgary.
As anyone would know, food is extremely important to a person’s comfort. You can’t play hockey on an empty stomach after all. However, you can find the usual North American food everywhere, but for someone who yearns for Eastern European cuisine, Calgary is your go-to destination. There are no Russian restaurants in Calgary, but the saying goes the best Russian restaurant is your kitchen, and to properly stock it, just take a trip to the wonderful shops in town.
You got the Slavic store, if for some reason you come so far down south you are close to Spruce Meadows, Kalinka over by Deerfoot Meadows, and the classic Yummy Russia, located just outside Chinook Centre. These are the places you wanna be.
They got everything your Slavic taste buds can dream of. Selyodka, grechka, premade pelmeni (a bit too salty imo), peroski, those little candies babushka always had at her house, and that Russian ice cream in that soft cone and you can’t explain why but its the best ice cream on the planet. They even make medovik! Yeah, all the time too! They even sell full-blown samovars and banny venik for when you go to the banya. Which by the way…
Yes, that’s right, there are full-blown Banyas here. Full set up and everything. Wooden bayna with a giant cold dunk tank, a longue with tea, cookies and TV set to Russian cable (uhhh, actually you don’t need to watch that right now). I even know the owner to one of them in the South, if anyone were to join the Flames in the next month.
So if you happen to be a person who was originally born in Novosibirsk, in need of a place to call home for a few months, there's no better place than right here in Calgary. Come join a community that happens to include a lot of Siberians (one of them being my stepdad who loves you btw) you won’t regret it. Might even consider signing up here too (that’s okay if you don’t want to really, you don’t need 8 years to experience this city I promise).
Up Next Week
If Twitter DMs are truly down, Scorchstack HQ will move permanently to the Scorchstack Discord which you too can join for a nominal and extremely limited posting privileges.
Flames keep sometimes winning and sometimes winning.
We get to see which Flames party a little too hard at the Super Bowl party this year and get scratched. I’m thinking it’s Trev Time.