ScorchStack Issue #108 - Italy's Plight
It’s like that episode of the Italian Office where Keviano drops mama’s ziti- but for the Flames
This week’s edition of Scorchstack is coming out a day late (again) because ScorchStack HQ took a snow day yesterday. Don’t like it? Take it up with the city of Calgary, idiots.
What’s inside?
The Flames dressed slutty for Halloween. Let’s rate their costumes
Is Jonathan Huberdeau good? It’s more likely than you think!
The Flames lost two in a row. Time to spank their asses (is this a metaphor? Read to find out)
Since last issue
The Roons was benched. The Flames lost. NO coincidence. Bring back the Rooooooooons.
Floob wrote Big Monday Thing and I can definitely tell you what he said because I read the whole thing.
We introduced a Kadri goal counter
Battle of Alberta happened. Check out this pic we made
The Flames Have Lost Two In A Row. Here Is How They're Being Punished In Practice
They have to babysit Krayden
by Floob (@itlooksreal)
After a hot start to the season, your Calgary Flames have dropped two games in a row, and have done so in spectacular fashion, blowing a lead in the third period on both occasions.
The Flames, seemingly to a man, have felt like they’ve left some effort on the table in the games they’ve won, and Darryl Sutter has responded in kind, with some well publicized tempo increases in the team’s practice regimen.
Now after two tough losses in a row, it could be surmised that maybe exhaustion is creeping in, and the team could use a bit of a reprieve from the grueling training sessions. But thanks to our intrepid journalistic spirit over here at the Scorchstack, we’ve uncovered Darryl Sutter’s revised practice schedule for his squad, and it turns out things are about to get a lot harder for everyone. If the team doesn’t buckle down and be 100% prepared for their game against Nashville after this, you could argue this team doesn’t have what it takes to earn sustainable success.
Let’s break down some of the drills the Calgary Flames will find themselves participating in today.
Nazem Kadbee
Nazem Kadri has had an incredible start to his tenure in Calgary, and has been a major factor in the early season success of the team, but the tide turned in last night’s loss to the Seattle Kraken after his brutal giveaway that led to Yanni Gourde tying the game shorthanded on a breakaway.
Darryl Sutter has proven over his career to be a fair and balanced coach, which means his star players are not absolved of the hard work and discipline he demands from everyone in the organization. So with that in mind, Kadri will be forced to do wind sprints while his young daughter is held trapped at center ice and swarmed by angry hordes of bees. Is she allergic? We’ll find out!
Docimedis Perdidit Manicilia Dua
Every member of the defense corps were ordered to remove their gloves, then participate in barehanded stick-handling drills from one goal line to the other, at which point they would pick up a pair of gloves that would be waiting there for them.
Unbeknownst to all the rearguards is that these gloves do not belong to them, and in fact are the property of a weary and tired Docimedis, and by taking the gloves from him have unwittingly brought a grave injustice to Docimedis, and it looks like he demands vengeance. The drill ends with all the defensemen having a curse placed on them that requires anyone stealing the gloves to “lose their mind and their eyes in the goddess’s temple”.
Trust me, you do not want to lose your mind and eyes in the goddess’ temple.
Italy’s Plight
Milan Lucic, Andrew Mangiapane, Tyler Toffoli, and Adam Ružička (all the Italian players on the Flames) have to congregate at center ice, where they are forced to eat a bowl of spaghet with sauce that was clearly bought in a store.
Do Your Little Turn
The Scotiabank Saddledome is infamous for its press box catwalk, a daunting trek atop the far reaches of the arena ceiling, and one that serves as a rite of passage for hockey media folk just breaking into the NHL. The catwalk hangs suspended high above the ice surface, and is an unnerving spectacle for anyone who is the least bit squeamish about heights.
Sutter’s next drill calls for his players to run the steep, unending flights of stairs from ice level all the way up to the catwalk, then sprint halfway across, stop on a dime, and then do an uncontrolled fall over the railing.
The 95
Each and every member of the active Flames roster is required to write a 2000 word essay that touches on both personal and team accountability, which is to be printed off and read aloud in the dressing room to the entire team and coaching staff.
The caveat here is that the passages must be written and printed off using the equipment in Darryl Sutter’s personal home office. Did you ever see the show Halt and Catch Fire? That’s kinda what everything looks like at Darryl’s house.
Sutter offered a reprieve from reading the essay to the first player who could properly identify and pick up a floppy disk from the box sitting on his desk. No one was able to do so.
And finally,
The Battle Royale
Rating the Flames Halloween Costumes
"In girl world, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it."
by Ramz (@ramzreboot)
Happy belated-Halloween. Did you know that catholic schools have November 1st off from school? I literally just found this out yesterday. Do you think it’s because they think Halloween is the day of the devil? Anyways.
The Flames had their annual Halloween party. Let’s rate their costumes.
I’m going in whatever order I feel like. Thanks.
Scorchies didn’t know who the Joker was but it turned out to be Jonathan Huberdeau.
He gets a point for going sort of all out with the makeup, but loses points for, first of all, the hat? What is that? That’s not a hat the joker wears. I think he just found a hat in his house and said “ok.” Secondly, for hashtagging “#scary”. Thirdly, for going as this making the Flames caption it on their Instagram with “Why so serious?” Also he looks so dumb standing in that photo with everyone. He’s posing like the “mom I frew up” pose. 5/10
Nikita Zadorov and his wife went as Barbie and Ken.
I love the idea of anything Barbie and male hockey players. Very good. However, they needed to step up their game and do this if they really wanted to go as Barbie and Ken:
Another hockey player did this and it ruled but I can’t remember who it was and Google isn’t helping. Sorry. But their costume was better. 7.5/10.
Blake Coleman went as the Mad Hatter.
Cute and fun and required quite a bit of work. His costume also matches the actual mad hatter costume, unlike Huberdeau’s stupid Joker costume. 9/10.
Genuinely don't know what Frida and Mikael are supposed to be. Sorry, it seems like real characters, I just don’t know it. But anything Mikael and Frida do get a least an 8/10 from me any day.
Rasmus Andersson’s costume is fine. Boring and unoriginal. Whatever. 6/10.
Jacob Markstrom’s is fun I guess. I don’t know what else you want me to say about it. 7/10.
Absolutely adorable. Zero notes. 9/10.
Ok, I’ll admit I didn’t know this costume. Sorry, I’m not that well-versed in pop culture it seems. But everyone seems to love this costume. However they made me feel stupid for not knowing it, so I’ll drop them one point. 8.5/10.
Not one fucking person decided to take a picture of Toffoli’s close-up Britney Spears costume but here it is.
In girl world, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no others girls can say anything about it.
Amazing. Literally no notes. 10/10. Actually, one note: Next year, he should do Britney Spears’ full red leather Oops, I did it again costume. Then the year after, that outfit of her with the snake. Then the year after her all jeans outfit at that awards show with Justin Timberlake. He will forever have to go as Britney Spears.
Brett Ritchie’s stick of butter is fine, but his wife/gf being “buttercup” is actually very cute. 7/10.
Mackenzie Weegar went as Elvis. Lame. 6/10. Wait, chest hair? 6.5/10.
Kevin Rooney (the rooooooons baby!) went as Tommy Lee with his wife/gf going as Pam, but I hate it. She looks nothing like Pam. There are so many TikTok tutorials to look like Pam. 6.5/10.
Literally could not fucking tell you who went as Jack Skellington. It will have to be a process of elimination but I don’t feel like doing that so you figure it out. Oh god, there are TWO Jack Skellingtons. I don’t know, I’m so stressed out.
Don’t know who these are either, sorry. Also don’t know what this costume is, sorry again.
Noah Hanifin looks like he’s just wearing a onesie of some sort. Boring and unoriginal. 4/10.
Amazing. Just letting everyone know you’re fucking all the time. 7.5/10.
Ok there are a couple of others but I don’t know who they are, sorry I don’t know who anybody is. Ok wait, we’re definitely missing Tanev, Kadri, Michael Stone, Trevor Lewis, and Adam Ruzicka. There are a couple of guys there I don’t recognize, but I don’t think either are the first three I mentioned there. So that means one of the Jack Skellingtons and those cartoon-looking things that I didn’t know are them probably. Cool costumes and good effort. Good job everyone EXCEPT Huberdeau’s stupid fucking hat but especially to Tyler Toffoli.
Sorry if I missed anyone else in the picture. Please email whogivesashit@scorchstack.com and we’ll get back to you as soon as possible. We definitely care about your opinions on the Flames Halloween costumes.
Stop worrying about Jonathan Huberdeau
His coach likes how he is playing, the points will come
by Konnie (@konnie49)
With the season cruising along into November, we are seeing how the new Flames additions are gelling with the group and the system. So far, its been very positive, even with the team dropping its last two games that they should’ve had. You can chalk that up to new guys still finding their way and build up some chemistry. After so much change, its not surprising the Flames aren’t a well oiled machine 8 games into the season.
Prime example of this is Jonathan Huberdeau, who hasn’t lit up the world since landing in Calgary. Expectations coming in were extremely high, since he was the guy who broke the record for most assists by a LW in a season. The fact that he hasn’t been blowing out the score sheet with 3 assists a game is starting to rile up the fanbase.
Im hear to tell you that it really shouldn’t.
First off, its natural for Huberdeau to start off a bit slow. First off, he was traded from the only team he has ever known and completely change everything he knows about preparing for the season. His beloved Lamborgini is gone, replaced with a similarly price but much shittier GMC pickup up truck.
Next, you throw in the fact that he has been thrusted into an even bigger role than he had in Florida. Instead of being centred by Sam Bennett and facing not-the-hardest- competition, he is tasks with being THE guy on the top line which teams will look to hard match with their best guys. There is a lot more attention on him from not just a media perspective, but (more importantly) on the ice as well.
Sprinkle in the fact that Huberdeau also has to learn a brand new Sutter system. With the season prior, the Florida Panthers played a freer style where sheer skill and talent were used to balance out a looser defensive scheme. With Sutter, its a defence first mindset, where if you want to be successful at all, you need to be defensively sound. It is something that Huberdeau and the coaching squad is prioritizing. The knock on him was that he wasn’t good defensively, and since getting here that is starting to change. The goals and the assists are nice, but the team’s priority is clearly to make him a threat at both side of the ice.
If the goal was to get him 150 points by the end of the season, I am sure the Flames would do everything they could to put Huberdeau in that spot, but that isn’t their goal. What the Flames want their superstar to do is to become as much of a complete player as he can be. Don’t worry, the points will come, even if they don’t look as insane as they did last year. Jonathan Huberdeau is the guy, he will be fine.
Up Next Week
Will we introduce ANOTHER goal counter? You’ll have to tune in and find out
Post Malone pic.jpg
I’m hungry so I am going to go make an egg wrap
We each get a turn to give a wedgie to Krayden