Sure, the NHL season began last night, and we won’t see this latest iteration of the Calgary Flames play a game until this weekend. That may seem weird, but let us be the first to tell you: that is a gift.
Because we spent countless minutes compiling our 2021-22 roster preview, and when you put it all together, golly, an extended offseason looks pretty alluring by comparison. When does the CBA expire anyway? Asking for no particular reason.
Editor’s note: Like last year, this post is extremely long. Extremely, extremely long, though easily digestible in bite-size chunks. We recommend you read this on your web browser instead of your mobile device because you shouldn’t stare at a tiny screen for that long.
What’s inside?
The Calgary Flames: Who are they? What do they do? How fuckable are they?
Sorry for asking which Flames are fuckable
CW: there’s a picture in here of Brad Richardson that is hard to unsee
Ramz posts a meme from New Girl
Since last issue
ScorchStack #57 is a pretty fun read that is strongly informed by everything we’re going to be talking about here today
Jack Eichel is coming to the Flames. Confirmed.
Please donate to our foundation devoted to finding a cure for not owning this jersey
Whatever this Walker Duehr thing was all about, well, you don’t have to worry about it…for now
Rasmus Andersson, #4
by Konnie (@konnie49)
Who is this guy?
A second-round draft selection of the Calgary Flames all the way back in 2015, Rasmus Andersson has been a mainstay on the defence for three seasons now. He is Swedish, which the Flames like, huge and mean, which Darryl Sutter likes, and he has the potential to be an effective play-driving defenceman, which we here at the Scorchstack like.
What’s he good at?
Now, there is a reason that I said potential. At times in seasons past, Andersson has shown the ability to help drive play up the ice, producing on the powerplay (when it actually works) and still be a solid enough defence in his own zone that he isn’t a liability on the ice. Also extremely good at being an asshole and getting other players mad. It’s very entertaining to watch.
What’s he bad at?
Well, he hasn’t actually been what I’ve said in the previous section last year. It was a down season defensively for Andersson, as he really was not able to be the same force that we are used to from him. He did produce at an increased rate, but his expected goals had dropped significantly from what it was the previous year, from 53.53% down to 48.42%. Granted, last year was pretty much a write-off completely due to COVID, so it is more than likely he rebounds into form.
How hot is he?
Decently hot, in a fun and lovable goofball kind of way. It feels like he would be really sweet to you while occasionally dunking your head in a banana cream pie.
Statline prediction:
79 games played, seven goals, 29 assists
Juuso Välimäki, #6
by Floob (@itlooksreal)
Who is this guy?
The other future franchise defenseman who struggled in 2021 and will hopefully bounce back in a big way this year. No, it’s not Rasmus. We literally just talked about Rasmus.
What’s he good at?
Juuso Välimäki’s pedigree is right there on the surface. He is an offence-first defender with the ability to play on the top pair at the NHL level. He just needs to do it. I know that sounds simplistic, but it’s true. All the tools are there for him to thrive in this league, but we’re seeing that his arc might be a bit of a slower burn than we would have thought or preferred. That’s fine. Last season was tough, given that he played a lot of sheltered minutes and didn’t seem to get the favourable results you’d really hope to see from that.
But given everything, he was okay. He’s decent at producing offense, with above replacement metrics across the board. He was saddled with some tough deployment and defensive partners, but if he’s going to become the defenseman he was drafted to be, he’s going to need to be able to overcome those kinds of shortcomings. Hell, Chris Tanev did it all season and we thought he was going to suck ass.
What’s he bad at?
Välimäki fell out of favour with Darryl Sutter after that old chestnut regained control of the bench, and Darryl will tell you it was because he didn’t care or some other old ass rancher rhetoric, but we can assume it was because he wasn’t particularly strong defensively. We all know Sutter is a coach who demands you clean up your own room first before having fun outside, and if Välimäki continues to struggle in that regard, well it’s (gulp) Michael Stone time. Let’s hope he gets it all sorted out because the offensive gifts are potentially too tantalizing to overlook.
How hot is he?
He kinda looks like if Gozer from Ghostbusters II and Brett Hull had a child, and then decided he might die if he ever went out in the sun. But I don’t mean that in a derogatory way, because he makes it work. 6/10.
Statline prediction:
56 GP, four goals, 17 assists
Chris Tanev, #8
by Ramz (@ramzreboot)
Who is this guy?
A guy the Flames got last year to try and replace TJ Brodie and continue their mission of acquiring all former Canucks players.
What is he good at?
Exceeding expectations, I guess? Nobody was super hyped the Flames replaced Brodie with Tanev. Not saying Brodie is like the best player in the world or anything, but looking at their stats (yes I know that word too, thanks), he was much worse. I don’t really know specifically in what because I don’t care but you know when those stats people post pictures with colours of players’ stats? Well, his were much redder than Brodie’s. But then he and Hanifin actually did really well together? They had like no goals go against them 5v5 for the first few weeks of the season and continued to be the better duo and not allowing many goals at 5v5? It was weird and nobody understood. Then he was paired with Giordano and they also did well together? Again, weird stuff.
Wow, I used the term 5v5 instead of saying like “His vibes on the ice were pretty good,” are you guys DISGUSTED by me? I had 4.5 hours of sleep last night, we’ll blame it on that.
What’s he bad at?
It’s not in my ScorchStack contract to talk about real hockey things so I don’t like all these questions, thanks. But I don’t know, I guess I don’t really expect that this season, so he’s bad at keeping expectations high. He also may not be playing on a pairing with Hanifin since it’s projected Hanifin to start with Andersson and now Giordano is gone, so it’ll be interesting to see how he plays with someone else. Also, he doesn’t usually score a lot of goals so don’t expect much offence from him.
How hot is he?
Eh.
Statline prediction
82 games played, five goals, 15 assists
Mikael Backlund, #11
by Ramz
Who is this guy?
Literally the most perfect person in the world.
What is he good at?
Ummm everything? Name something you want a hockey player to be good at and he will be good at it. He’s the best two-way centre in the history of the universe and he’s very good at remaining underrated. He’s also good at getting stuck on a line with Milan Lucic.
What’s he bad at?
How dare you.
How hot is he?
7/10.
Statline prediction:
80 GP, 14 goals, 29 assists.
Johnny Gaudreau, #13
by Nathan (@hanoten)
Who is this guy?
It’s hard to imagine that there is anyone left in Calgary who doesn’t know Johnny Hockey the child phenom, but just in case, he’s a dynamic, diminutive winger who has been the heartbeat of the team’s offence for many years now. While he’s in the last year of his contract and many think he’s going to bolt back to the East Coast, he has given no public reason to believe that and looks primed for another strong season if he’s paired with Elias Lindholm and Matthew Tkachuk.
Also, he got married this summer, and congrats to Johnny and his presumably lovely wife Meredith, who is a nurse and has been working hard during the pandemic. This has led to Johnny being pretty vocal (for him) about being smart during the pandemic, which you just love to see.
What’s he good at?
A lot, especially when the puck is on his stick. In fact, it’s a downright shame that the Flames don’t have two Johnny Gaudreaus who can play together, because the most disappointing sequence often in a Gaudreau-led charge is that he cannot pass to himself and continue the wizardry. Defensively he is not a liability, which sounds harsh but is actually praise considering the amount of one-dimension talent around the league. Also, he had a full eight hits registered last season so watch out when he gets mad, or else.
What’s he bad at?
Eating grown-up food, reaching the cookies on the top shelf, not getting IDed at the liquor store.
He does have stretches where the offence dries up and that has historically been an issue because he’s often the only real play-driver on his line, but by no means has he ever been the main issue on Calgary teams of yore.
How hot is he?
As I am not Drake I don’t have opinions on how hot 12-year-olds are.
Statline prediction:
Playing with Tkachuk and Lindholm? 80 GP, 31 G, 69 A
Otherwise? 75 GP, 22 G, 45 A. Give Johnny some support 2K21.
Brad Richardson, #15
by Floob
Who is this guy?
After longtime Flame and former captain Mark Giordano was shuffled off to the Pacific Northwest in the expansion draft, the Flames braintrust decided that the team was short one really old guy. Now, they’ve got one. This will be Brad Richardson’s 17th season of NHL hockey on his 6th team. He’s only signed for one season, but will be remarkably hard to get rid of, should the scenario arise where a prospect is knocking on the door of a full-time roster spot in Calgary.
What is he good at?
When injected into the lineup with players who can play, Richardson does go on streaks some seasons where he scores some goals. It’s not consistent by any stretch, but even as early as 2018-19 - the last full 82 game NHL season - Richardson scored 19 goals in 66 games, albeit on a bad Coyotes team that didn’t boast a lot of talent.
But hey, get a load of your 2021-22 Calgary Flames! He’ll probably score 10 goals before Darryl Sutter tries him on the power play.
Goal scoring, of course, is not why Richardson is here. He’s your classic character dressing room guy, a veteran with a Stanley Cup ring that teams always get horny for. If you value that kind of thing, this is your guy.
What’s he bad at?
In all honesty, he’s not egregiously bad at anything. The issue is, he’s not particularly good at anything either. He’s decent defensively, and he’ll get his penalty kill time, but the problem is he’s two years removed from his last good season, and as I mentioned off the top, he old. He real old. He’s been a below-replacement level player for the past few years, and the sands of time don’t really reverse the trends on these kinds of things for anyone that isn’t for some reason Chris Tanev.
How hot is he?
Sorry. He’ll haunt your nightmares:
Statline prediction
64 GP, four goals, 10 assists
Nikita Zadorov, #16
by Nathan
Who is this guy?
Nikita Zadorov is yet another first-round pick from the 2013 draft that has become Flames’ property. That is the eighth, and you could argue it’s a toss-up between him and Curtis Lazar for the third-best from that lot to play for the Flames. That is not a compliment.
He was brought over via trade over the summer as a big, bruising body who can (questionable if should though) play in the top-four on the blue line. He will bring almost no offence to the table but can be a surprisingly strong defender if used in the right circumstances. He will be given heaps of responsibility under the Sutter system, so it remains to be seen if those are the right circumstances.
What’s he good at?
Hitting people. Also, there is a lot of buzz around him for being a good passer, which you think would increase the offence, but alas. Definitely the hitting people part though. There is also a case to be made for him as a shutdown defender, although you could say the same for Kris Russell and hooo boy isn’t it great that he’s now an Oiler.
He also seems to have a fun personality, as evidenced this summer by sparking the MacKinnon is a freak debate and asking PHWA scribe Francis Ericsson if he even watches hockey, which has led to Francis taking a stress leave from his writings as he goes around the country to minor hockey rinks on a “what respect means to me” sabbatical.
What’s he bad at?
Turning defence into offence. Sure, he can hit people, but then what? It’s also worth mentioning that for many of those big hits, he will sacrifice positioning leading to an even greater chance for the opposition.
How hot is he?
Zadorov absolutely looks like he would have starred in a Russian remake of The InBetweeners.
He’d be greyer if he never left the UK, so work with me here.
Statline prediction:
75 GP, three G, 10 A
Milan Lucic, #17
by Ramz
Who is this guy?
Ugh.
What is he good at?
Getting lots of money for extremely below-average work. Good job at scamming billionaires I guess.
What is he bad at?
Throw a dart and pick something.
How hot is he?
Gross.
Statline prediction
80 GP, nine goals, 15 assists.
Tyler Pitlick, #18
by Floob
Who is this guy?
A unicorn in the sense that he’s one more player in the Coyotes to Flames pipeline, but not one that was ever on the team during Brad Treliving’s Arizona employ. A player the Flames traded an actual asset to acquire when everyone was certain they were going to trade actual assets for Jack Eichel, which of course, they still will. Pitlick by all accounts should be the 4th line center for this team, but because the team is also very bad, he will likely suit up on the third-line wing.
What is he good at?
Genuinely a serviceable depth option who, as mentioned, can play both center and the wing, which is nice, because the team is lacking depth in both positions. Despite a 14 goal season a few years back in Dallas, there is not a lot of offense in his stick. Defensive play is what gets Pitlick paid, and at 5v5 he’s pretty good at it. Indeed, despite an apparent inability to drive play north, Pitlick’s defensive play has kept him in the NHL, boasting above replacement WAR/GAR/SPAR numbers because of it.
Making $1.75 million this season means it’s impossible to call him a steal if he maintains his current levels of production, I hesitate to even call him valuable if everything breaks just right, but like, I’m going to preview Trevor Lewis in a bit here, so at the very least, Tyler Pitlick has the ability to fit somewhere in the middle on this team. I guess that’s okay.
What’s he bad at?
Can’t score, bad on the penalty kill, is a former Oiler (ed. note: at one point was the longest-tenured Oiler which is just weird), is not Jack Eichel. There is nothing you can ever point to about Tyler Pitlick and say “oh, that’s exciting”.
What a brutal name too. We’re going to have to say that all season. Not for me.
How hot is he?
Tyler Pitlick looks like a stoner in one of those horror movies that are bad on purpose. He’s not particularly attractive, but the writers just make girls think he’s cute anyway. I assume it kinda plays out the same way in real life. Why wouldn’t it?
Statline prediction:
Given that I expect him to get the Backlund Bump on the third line, I’m going to say 62 GP, 11 goals, 10 assists.
Matthew Tkachuk, #19
by Mike (@mikefail)
Who is this guy?
The dreaded Laramie of the Calgary Flames. Matthew Tkachuk is the type of player who says he likes your vintage Saab and then keys it while walking away, laughing at your now-keyed worthless hunk of scrap metal. He’s the guy who shows up to a party with those fake ice cubes with a fly in them to mess with guests. Only the ice cubes are real ice cubes and he actually put a fly in some of them. No one but the Flames fanbase loves him. Does that matter one bit? No, because everyone else doesn’t matter.
He’s a Tkachuk and therefore you will either love him or want to see him endure immense pain.
What’s he good at?
Driving the entire league mad with his antics, of which some can cross a metaphoric line in the sand; putting up respectable point totals, albeit they need to go up a notch this year; contributing generally positive in both ends of the ice; and he’s the legitimate heart of this organization. Should he be captain? Possibly. If he becomes captain, the chaos that will occur under his watch will be phenomenal television.
Oilers fans think he is the antichrist and that makes him badass.
What’s he bad at?
Keeping his cool, which could be seen as a positive because he is 100% pure emotion. His point production has somewhat stalled as of late, which is a concern given his next qualifying offer will be higher than some of the value he provided last season. Realistically he’s an ideal top-line talent that every team covets and wishes they had.
How hot is he?
I don’t find Matthew Tkachuk attractive because he reminds me of a guy who once took my friend for a date, excused himself, and hid in the bathroom to fake a bout of “random diarrhea”. Maybe he’s a gentle lover - who's to say, but I feel like he’s very popular in the section of horny 30-year-old women in loveless relationships on Hockey Twitter. They need a bad boy in their lives and Matthew Tkachuk is that bad boy.
Statline prediction: Per the astute and wise Scott Cullen: 81GP - 26 goals, 41 assists.
Blake Coleman, #20
by Tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
Who is this guy?
Free agency prize acquisition 2021! Yes, his contract is very long and will get very stinky at some point, but unlike most Brad Treliving Free Agency Specials, Coleman is actually a very good player who (in all likelihood) won’t suck as soon as the puck drops.
What is he good at?
Coleman checks every box for every type of hockey mind. A hard-nosed, hard-working, team-oriented, two-way, responsible leader with winning experience? Yup. An analytics darling who always pushes play north and suffocates opponents in his own end while being completely underrated for his contributions? You know it. Big, mean, tough to play against, but with a skill set that’s actually worth a reasonable amount of money? Yessir.
He’s also going to be a massive shithead, as his preseason suspension indicates. That will help take the rat burden off Matthew Tkachuk. Didn’t some guy say “it can’t be a riot every night?” Bad news for him, wherever he may be.
What’s he bad at?
Jack of all trades, master of none. Coleman might be good at everything, but he’s not that missing elite piece the Flames have been seeking for years. That’s okay! A well-rounded contributor in the right place can have a knock-on effect on the rest of the lineup, pushing lesser pieces into their appropriate roles while providing positive support to the upper echelon of the roster. But he’s not going to score 60 points, which is a problem when the Flames could really use a player like that.
If you are a person with reasonable expectations, this should already be evident to you, but you do not live in a world of people with reasonable expectations. My hot prediction from the pessimistic side of my brain says that Coleman will absolutely be a poisonous topic in Flames discourse. He reminds of Michael Frolik in a way, but specifically in the way that Michael Frolik inspired some of the worst Flames opinions I’ve ever seen.
How hot is he?
If he wasn’t a hockey player, Blake Coleman would be the All-American quarterback who leads his high school team past adversity to State. Handsome lad.
Statline prediction
82 games played, 15 goals, 23 assists
Trevor Lewis, #22
by Floob
Who is this guy?
A long time Los Angeles King and two-time Stanley Cup champion, Trevor Lewis comes to Calgary by way of the Winnipeg Jets, who signed the free agent last season, expecting him to be the veteran leader whose playoff experience could be counted on a young Jets roster looking to go on a run.
He did not do that.
What is he good at?
Everything I wrote earlier about Brad Richardson could be copy/pasted into the write-up for Trevor Lewis. I won’t literally do that, but I will say all the same things I did there, in a slightly different way. Let’s see if you notice a difference.
Lewis has put in a lot of years on a peak Kings squad (and Darryl Sutter, by extension), and has been surrounded by a lot of talent because of it. As a result, he’s got a couple of 12 and 14 goal seasons, but for the most point, he’s not in the league to produce offensively. Lewis is basically every Flames acquisition this year that wasn’t Blake Coleman: not bad defensively, at the expense of anything else. Over the span of his career, he’s been on the ice when his team needs to keep the puck out of the net, and theoretically, that will be what he’s relied on for here as well, going along with all the usual Darryl Sutter “identity” traits we will never hear the end of.
What is he bad at?
Again, like Richardson, he’s not awful at anything, but he’s not really able to do much, and he’s old. It’s a bad mix. A 2014 version of Trevor Lewis might provide some value to your team, but in 2021? Let’s put it this way: last season, on a more talented Winnipeg team who could deploy Lewis more favourably than Calgary will be able to, a .1 on the Goals above replacement threshold kept him from getting zeroes across the board, essentially making Trevor Lewis THE standard-bearer of a replacement-level player. Now he’s a year older on a worse team. Do you think he’s going to be better?
The Flames sure do, but you know…most of these guys are all about to be fired.
How hot is he?
Definite hot dad vibes. His face is withered from the years and experience, but in a way that works really well for him. You could definitely see him being in a truck commercial.
Statline prediction
40 GP, three goals, six assists.
No ad this week, but we wanted to take this time to acknowledge how rad these Flames jackets are, and also because we don’t have a great cover image ready to go otherwise.
Look at it!
Sean Monahan, #23
by Konnie
Who is this guy?
Sean Monahan, touted as a “defensive stalwart” when initially drafted, has been the Flames’ primary goal scorer since this current core has been fully constructed. This loveable doofus can score like the wind, and yet is one of the most hated Flames players on the team. You want him to be more, but he is what he is.
What’s he good at?
He has one of the deadliest wrist shots in the league from around three feet from the net and somehow gets his 6’2”, 200 lbs frame open despite being completely covered in the zone. For a guy who is quite simple on and off the ice, and when he is hot, he can be the perfect trigger man for any play-driving, pass first wingers.
What’s he bad at?
If he isn’t producing, he is useless. Does not defend, is not particularly a fast skater, and does not drive play up the ice. Textbook definition of an empty calorie scorer. In fact, when Monahan is cold and does not produce for long stretches of time, which at this point you have to plan for, his play away from the puck is a detriment.
How hot is he?
Very, but he has extremely strong himbo vibes. If you look into his eyes, you can see the thoughts being made in his brain in real-time. But his amazing hair makes up for his airheadedness.
Statline prediction:
77 games played, 28 goals, 20 assists
Brett Ritchie, #24
by Tibs
Who is this guy?
I’d call him a scrub, but that seems harsh. Let’s go with journeyman.
What is he good at?
Ritchie wasn’t born in Orangeville, Ontario as his biography claims, he was actually produced on the NHL Bottom Six Depth Guys Who Will Be Around Until Their Mid-30s Factory assembly line. He doesn’t fuck up in horrendous ways, but he also will never wow you. His toolset is perfectly average, ranking 5/10 in every department. He’s both been an analytics darling and an analytics enemy - both in the game-to-game timeframe and through various stops in his career - but it averages out to “just all right.” He is here to exist for eight to ten minutes per night, and that’s fine. Inoffensive because he’s not really worth getting mad at and he also doesn’t score goals.
What’s he bad at?
All of that turns to shit the second he gets put in the top six. With a big body, decent speed, and a right-handed shot, he will inevitably be there at some point this season. Ritchie had a brief but somehow excruciatingly long stint with Johnny Gaudreau and Sean Monahan last season, producing nothing when the team really needed goals. You wish you could chalk that up to Geoff “I’m here by accident” Ward doing Geoff Ward things, but Darryl Sutter also did it for some reason.
I did say that he is inoffensive and generally not worth getting mad about, but you can get mad at the general concept of him and his presence for this one reason: he blocks Matthew Phillips (or literally anyone else, take your pick) from playing regular hockey in the bottom six. Phillips (or anyone else) could also just be a different version of Brett Ritchie, but brand new shiny toys are always more exciting than your old ones.
How hot is he?
I’m going to be repeating myself here: perfectly average. Not ugly in any sort of way, pretty attractive, but nothing that knocks your socks off. The middle-aged man tactical goatee needs to go though.
Statline prediction:
60 GP, four goals, eight assists.
Jacob Markström, #25
by Nathan
Who is this guy?
Your neighbourhood Swedish goalie locked in for five more years. Markström’s first year was a rollercoaster, punctuated by injuring himself leaving the crease to tackle the Vancouver Canucks not once but twice in one game, and then likely giving himself a concussion doing so.
His first 13 games and last 15 games were pretty good, but those middle 15 games were atrocious and were one of the reasons the Flames missed the playoffs in the extremely weak North Division. So now the question this season will be if Sutter gets the most out of Markström or if he will self-sabotage again.
What’s he good at?
When he’s on his game, Markström is a legit starting goaltender in the NHL, and easily the best goalie the Flames have had since the halcyon days of Miikka Kiprusoff. He also doesn’t really let in too many awful goals, as long as he’s healthy and rested which was an issue last year. If you recall, the whole first stretch of the season was the Flames scoring on Markström, which sucked but no more than usual Flames hockey.
There is a legit well of talent and athleticism that can springboard Markström into being one of the league’s top goalies. However….
What’s he bad at?
There is also Markström the human being, which plays a factor in how well he can tend the goal. It’s been reported that he struggled last year with several things, from COVID protocols isolating him on a new team in a new city, to getting overworked and needing time to rest and recuperate, to the whole concussing himself taking out former teammates. It’s easy to see how that crept into his game and punctuated that weak middle stretch. With Darryl Sutter known to love riding his goalies until they fall apart, it’ll be interesting to see how Markström does this year.
None of this is to say that Markström is a bad human, just that he is one, and that affects his hockey playing, which will always be the case until AI takes over everything.
How hot is he?
Oh, he’s hot. It’s also a poorly kept secret that he has a [redacted] and often gets [redacted] because of it. His one weakness though? Headshots (the camera kind, although probably all with that concussion history). Always look at him from the side, and enjoy the show.
Statline prediction:
64 GP, 33 W, 21 L, 10 OTL
Michael Stone, #26
by Tibs
Who is this guy?
You are well familiar with Michael Stone at this point in your life. A fun fact that kind of functions as a horrifying metaphor for the Calgary Flames: with the departure of Mark Giordano, Michael Stone is now the longest-tenured Flames defenceman.
What is he good at?
There’s a funny Onion article called “Russians continuing to kill Rasputin.” That article is paywalled for some reason, but I have the book and am willing to go to jail to provide content for my beloved Scorchstack readers:
In later years, Rasputin was set on fire, dissolved in acid, boiled alive, flensed, fed molten lead, ground beneath the wheels of a freight train, thrown from the top of St Basil's Cathedral, impaled on sharpened stakes, buried under 10 tons of hot gravel, struck at high speeds by an automobile, strapped to the mouth of a great cannon which was then fired several times, bolted to the keel of an icebreaking ship which was repeatedly run aground, drawn and quartered, crucified, run through with a cavalry spear from bowel to gullet, vivisected, and eviscerated. Furthermore, throughout the process, he was continually re-poisoned, re-stabbed and re-shot.
"We're making excellent progress," Yusupov said. "This trickster's mysterious influence over the now-dead czar will soon come to an end. It is only a matter of time."
The team expects Rasputin's death to take place no later than 1925.
Anyways, here’s what Michael Stone has survived since being acquired by the Flames:
Four head coaches
Blood clots in his arms
Being bought out by the Calgary Flames, which is usually a bad omen if you want to continue playing for the Calgary Flames.
I think at least three PTOs by now
Two AHL demotions
A handful of young up-and-comers like Juuso Välimäki, Oliver Kylington, Brett Kulak, Alexander Yelesin (remember him? KHL all-star?), and Connor Mackey who have threatened to push him out of the lineup even if it meant playing on their off side.
Random jamokes they pulled off the street, like Erik Gustafsson, Derek Forbort, Nikita Nesterov, Dalton Prout, Brandon Davidson, and Oscar Fantenberg, all who really just needed to clear the bar of “not Michael Stone” to earn a cool million-dollar payday from the Flames for the next season. They could not accomplish that despite the numerous mid- to late-round picks the Flames traded away for these guys.
A pandemic that tightened budgets and theoretically should’ve stopped teams from spending cash on older veterans when cheaper, younger ones existed.
Just being plain ol’ bad at hockey
UPDATE: he is now dealing with COVID protocol. I predict he will have to go through it six more times this season, but he will still find his way into the lineup regardless
Michael Stone was acquired by the Calgary Flames in 2017 by the way. This has all happened in four years. He is immortal and he will never die. This is, objectively, what he is good at. Hockey men might call it “longevity” but they do not understand the Power of Michael Stone.
Funny enough, Michael Stone might be your saviour this season: the more he’s in the lineup, the less Erik Gudbranson is. If you haven’t yet accepted that we’re living in cursed times, a Flames season where you’re cheering for Stone to be in the lineup every game should be your final warning.
Also, a pretty nice slapshot, which would come in handy if he could ever hit the net.
What is he bad at?
If you ever see the Flames allow some fiasco goal where they can’t clear the puck out of the slot for an agonizing amount of time, there’s a strong chance that Michael Stone is standing five feet from the action, just taking in the scenery.
How hot is he?
Looks like a thumb. That’s okay, thumbs are very useful!
Statline prediction
45 GP, three goals, nine assists.
Elias Lindholm, #28
by Konnie
Who is this guy?
Brought in over in the Dougie Hamilton deal that no I am still not over please stop asking, Lindholm has quickly established himself as not just an effective top-line RW but also as a pretty decent first-line centre option for the Flames. He isn’t the most flashy centre and likely would be a very good 1B option on a Stanley Cup contending team, but is still very serviceable in his role.
What’s he good at?
He is extremely versatile. Need him to play top line minutes and score a bunch of points in a sheltered role? You got it. Need him to be an all around reliable centre that can hold the fort and be defensively sound? Ehhh, not at an elite level but certainly he is pretty good at it. Lindholm is a reliable player who can play that top line centre role, allowing the Flames to not have to shove Monahan into that role and instead allow him to be in a sheltered role where he can succeed. Oh, and thats not to say that Lindholm isn’t also a pretty effective point producer. He led the team in scoring and will be right up there this season, especially if Tkachuk and Gaudreau will be flanking him for most of the year. He really is an extremely important piece to this roster.
What’s he bad at?
Not really much? Solid at everything even if he isn’t super elite at one specific thing. As well, it’s not his fault, but I still can’t look at Lindholm without letting out a slight sigh at what it took to bring this extremely handsome lad to Calgary.
How hot is he?
Extremely hot. Hottest player on the team. Beautiful hair, beautiful eyes, beautiful jawline. The absolute best of the best Sweden has ever produced.
Statline prediction:
82 games played, 30 goals, 45 assists
Dillon Dubé, #29
by Mike
Who is this guy?
He’s Dillon Dubé, the guy with the game face expression who makes the face when he scores the goals and everyone is happy. He used to be a Kelowna Rocket and now he’s a Calgary Flame.
What’s he good at?
Forechecking and growing an incredible beard. When Dillon was born, he came out of the womb with a full beard. The placenta wasn’t actually a normal, human placenta — it was actually a sac of rogaine which trickled in through the umbilical cord which helped his beard growth.
What’s he bad at?
Defensive impacts both in terms of EVD per the Evolving Hockey WAR model. His -0.1 EVD, while an improvement in the Twins’ model over his two prior seasons was nice, there is still more to be desired in terms of impacts in his own zone.
How hot is he?
He’s incredibly beautiful and his beard is incredibly beardiful.
Statline prediction via Scott Cullen, who I love and adore:
14 goals, 18 assists.
Support and use Scott’s work here:
Glenn Gawdin, #42
by Floob
Who is this guy?
Before the Flames signed every grizzled veteran recovered from as many overturned rocks as they could find, an entire universe of fans were clamouring for the team to make room on the roster for some prospects, either hopeful future regulars like Connor Zary or Jakob Pelletier, or established players who had worked their way up from the AHL and were ready for more responsibility on the big club.
The Flames brass, ever willing to give the people what they want, allowed for the final forward spot on this year’s team to be battled out between some 24-year-old kid who doesn’t really do anything and might not even exist, and arguably the 4th best forward on the Stockton Heat last season.
The 4th best forward stood tall in the end. Welcome to Calgary, Glenn Gawdin.
What’s he good at?
Glenn Gawdin is in the NHL based on a theoretical belief that he can put the puck in the net. After being drafted by the St. Louis Blues but never signing a contract, Gawdin went back into the WHL as a free agent, and in his 6th (!!!) season with the Swift Current Broncos, scored 125 points in 67 games. Obviously, that comes with a disclaimer when you’re 20 years old playing in a league for boys, but given that he didn’t cost any assets to acquire, it was a no-risk signing for the Flames.
Realistically, he would never provide offense at that kind of clip ever again, but in 139 games across three seasons in Stockton, he’s put up 98 points, so while not prolific by any means, there is some evidence there that he can be on the right side of some goals scored.
We haven’t seen that at the NHL level yet, but a seven game cup of coffee in which Gawdin played a total of 47 minutes is no kind of sample to make any assumptions off of.
What’s he bad at?
Let’s face it though, this is not a guy who tracks to be an NHL player. He’s essentially a much less talented Sean Monahan; he’s one-dimensional, as he’s not known for his two-way play, and his production rate in the AHL doesn’t translate to the pro game, especially when you don’t really have any other tools in your toolbox.
The kid is known for playing a physical game, sure, but that’s what this entire team is going to be known for. Don’t be surprised if this guy just seems to get sucked into the undertow all season.
How hot is he?
Unfortunately, Glenn Gawdin looks like just about anyone who has “Turning Point USA contributor” in his twitter bio. Also:
Statline prediction:
32 GP, two goals, three assists. Sent down to Stockton before the season is over in favour of a) a better player from the Heat, or B) because Jack Eichel is here and there’s no more room.
Erik Gudbranson, #44
by Ramz
Who is this guy?
Another useless fourth-liner the Flames decided to pay $2 million for some reason, except on defence this time.
What’s he good at?
Being hot and giving us a new post-game meter to use.
What’s he bad at?
Living up to his last name (being good).
How hot is he?
Hubba Hubba.
Upon further reflection, I apologize for saying hubba hubba. Notes app apology coming soon.
Statline prediction:
54 GP, four goals, six assists.
Noah Hanifin, #55
by Tibs
Who is this guy?
Before last season, he was the scapegoat for everything wrong with the defence and trade bait for any big name that hit the block. Now, he might just be the foundation of the defensive core heading into the future. It’s a funny world we’re living in.
What’s he good at?
You do have to hand it to him: Noah Hanifin has finally become good at not being bad. The failed breakouts, the defensive zone blunders, the moments where his brain switched off for half a shift, the freewheeling skates that ended in nothing productive, and everything else you hated about Hanifin before the 2021 half-season has mostly disappeared. No one’s confusing him for one of the NHL’s elite, but the rapid improvement is all something we can live with (and hope is completely sustainable and not an anomaly from a weird season). If he can fix Rasmus Andersson, more power to him.
What’s he bad at?
For all his improvement, those flaws still remain. Yes, the frustrating plays have been cut down to the minimum. They still happen, and you are going to work him into a twitter dot com trade proposal at a few points this season in pure rage.
How hot is he?
The only thing that’s been consistent for Hanifin on a year-to-year basis.
Statline prediction:
82 GP, six goals, 23 assists.
Oliver Kylington, #58
by Nathan
Who is this guy?
Oliver Kylington, the seemingly perpetual tweener of too good for the AHL but not good enough for the NHL, apparently came to play this year and had probably the best training camp out of everyone, forcing himself back into the conversation. To which we all say: hell fucking yeah.
If you don’t know Kylington’s story, you should take the time because it’s a fascinating one that starts with his mother. A refugee from Eritrea that ended up in Sweden, she risked everything to give herself and her future family a better life, something that Kylington hasn’t lost sight of while playing professional hockey.
Kylington himself was one of the top prospects at the 2015 draft, but slid all the way down to 60th where the Flames nabbed him. It’s hasn’t been the smoothest ride since with flashes of brilliance being overshadowed by a larger transitional period and a lack of fit and opportunity in the Flames, there is hope renewed this year that Kylington thrives under the Sutter system as the Flames seek strong puck movers with the loss of Giordano.
One training camp does not a roster play make, but when the flame seemed extinguished on Kylington, he’s at least given himself a burst of desperately-needed oxygen at age 24.
What’s he good at?
He’s an extremely smooth skater and can shoot the puck well. The big knock against him has always been the other stuff associated, but there’s no doubt that he can skate and shoot. He was also one of the fittest Flames this year at camp, so that’s nice that he can take such good care of himself.
What’s he bad at?
As mentioned, there hasn’t been the belief that Kylington is strong enough defensively to be a mainstay in the NHL, so he has hovered in that dreaded tweener space. He won’t magically become a physical presence on the back end, but if he can develop into an Erik Karlsson-lite, in that he can break up a play and turn it into offence immediately, it would greatly improve his odds of sticking around this season. If not, then this great training camp will be a footnote in the career that never was.
How hot is he?
He is so hot holy hell. He could very well be the hottest Flame. Last year in his preview, Mike told you to look at his Instagram to find out. Well, if we check this year…
Good grief, no wonder he dominated the fitness aspects of camp. He’s everything we love at Scorchstack in that he’s scorching hot and stacked.
Statline prediction:
I want to believe. 65 GP, 12 G, 20 A
Daniel Vladař, #80
by Mike
Who is this guy?
He’s a goalie whose name sounds eerily similar to Darth Vadar. Who is Darth Vadar? He’s a cyborg Hayden Christensen who effectively killed his pregnant girlfriend Padme Amidala during birth. Who is Padme? Oh, she was a senator of Naboo, a planet in the Star Wars. What is Naboo? It’s not the planet that Nabisco, the cookie company lives on that’s for sure. Who were we talking about again?
What’s he good at?
He’s a goalie, so presumably stopping the puck an average amount or above-average amount. At this point all Scorchstack hopes for is he is good enough to let Jacob Markström take a nap occasionally.
What’s he bad at?
Not being a starter and presumably as beautiful as Markström. Goaltending is volatile, which is why as a kid I never wanted to be a goalie. I always wanted to be a RW and to be fed passes by Joe Sakic. My parents never got me on a steady diet of Joe Sakic passes, Joe went on to win two Stanley Cups with the Colorado Avalanche, and I settled into a middle-management role in telecommunications where I am today. What was the question again?
How hot is he?
He seems kind of dorky looking and not my type. Maybe he’s the kind of guy who talks about a band like the National a lot on your first date and you never get a word in edge-wise? He’ll pay the bill but probably be too forward during the farewell part of the night. He is definitely grade ‘A’ great friend you set up with your dorky coworker material.
Statline prediction:
Scott didn’t have any so let me make some up… 10-6-2. That totally makes sense right?
Andrew Mangiapane, #88
by Mike
Who is this guy?
He’s Italian.
What’s he good at?
Quite literally everything besides putting up huge point totals. Mangiapane is arguably the Flames’ best winger in terms of modeled impacts in both ends of the ice. Micah Blake McCurdy, you know that loveable mathematician from Halifax who posts a lot of graphs on Twitter? His model, Magnus loves Mangiapane. You know those ragamuffin Minnesota Twins, Luke and Josh? They love him too and picked him for the 2021-22 Selke.
I say this earnestly: Mangiapane, barring his size though it doesn’t really matter honestly, is the ideal template in terms of impacts you want in an NHL-ready winger.
What’s he bad at?
Not a whole lot honestly, unless we’re going to move into the land of wind and ghosts that is micro-stats. His traditional point-production numbers are very average, which means everyone poises him as a breakout candidate offensively.
How hot is he?
I don’t find Andrew Mangiapane attractive at all but he might take you to Olive Garden for a first date so honey you best lock him down ASAP. Unlimited soup, salad, breadsticks, and Mangiapane’s unconditional love all for the low low cost of a quality meal? Say yes, sweetheart, he’s the man of your dreams (but not mine).
Statline prediction:
Scott said 20 goals, 16 assists. I think that’s a little low and I know Scott is one of the smartest men but I refuse to accept this. Do I have a better prediction? No.
Up Next Week
The Flames are still looking for their captain. We use this one weird trick to pick one! (Coaches hate us!)
Mayor Ramz presents everyone at the ScorchStack with the Key To The City, and we all get drunk with power abusing the unfettered access to everything that entails
You’ve heard of sending William Shatner to space, but William Nylander to the Flames???? Wouldn’t it be pretty funny if we’re all laughing about how this came true?