Scorchstack #115 - Flames fans are still on year six of trying to figure out who Jarod Joseph is.
Scorchstack #115 - Flames fans are still on year six of trying to figure out who Jarod Joseph is.
We are 95% sure he is a real person and not a Flames NFT
Scorchstack #115 - Flames fans are still on year six of trying to figure out who Jarod Joseph is.
On the radio last night, FAN960 was going off about how the Wranglers were selling Sunday tickets for something like $19 and there was no better value in sports period. To counter: you are paying $19 to watch the AHL willingly so you figure it out.
What’s inside?
Tibs breaks down the truth - the Calgary Flames are mediocre. And if you take that to me the on-ice performance of the hockey team without first reading the article, that is your choice!
Nathan gets a little nuts about a very specific gripe over the broadcasts lately.
Ramz makes a plea with the Flames to make history.
Scorchstack mailbag time!
Since last issue
We all had a nice little time talking about the things we loved in 2022 in last week’s Scorchstack. It was heartfelt and genuine! Last time we make that goof this year.
First Big Monday Thing of the year, you dig?
Johnny Gaudreau reminded us that even though he’s with family in Columbus, we are forever going to be cheering for him.
Let's face it - the Flames are mediocre
And the title is in no way deceiving about the contents of the article!
by tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
We’re at the halfway point of the season, which is when the wheat and the chaff of the NHL get separated.
And in my honest hockey journalist opinion, the Flames have still not established themselves as either wheat or chaff, and if you’re not wheat by now, you’re chaff.
These Flames, so far, lack an identity. I know that’s a 200 Hockey Men buzzword, but it’s true. They aren’t flashy, they aren’t fully a throwback team, not simple, not complex, not experimental, not anything that can be easily labelled. They aren’t regularly good enough to be good, but not quite bad enough to earn that label because there’s some real stinkers out there worse than your Calgary Flames.
“Mediocre” is probably the most misapplied word in the hockey fan lexicon, likely because it’s multiple syllables and is spelt French enough to look intelligent. It means anything between “sixth in the division” to “not the clear cut Stanley Cup winner 20 games into the season,” from “fourth liner who does nothing” to “underperforming first liner.” The word has been molded and manhandled by hockey fans to apply to anything they don’t like but at least deserves some credit, somehow expanding on the wide net of the true definition of the word.
But if the shoe fits, wear it. The Flames are mediocre. They are such a ball of uninspiring nothing that remain compelling enough for you to keep paying attention. Not bad enough to outright disgust you, not good enough for you to figuratively and literally splash the cash on them.
Looking at the big, NHL-wide picture, and it’s clear they’re lagging behind. Let’s take a glance at the Kings. Basement dwellers some years back, they have suddenly re-emerged and look like trouble just years after everyone thought they were cooked. Just take a look at this:
Beautiful. Classic. Out of left field. Something that no one is doing. Moving the game forward.
This is a collaboration between the Kings (duh), Rucking Fotten (a streetwear brand that does fantastic movie shirts in chirashi style) , and Violent Gentlemen (pretty much the only good independent hockey brand) for Japanese Heritage Night. It’s a cool way to honour a non traditional group of hockey fans. The best the Flames can pull off is apparently this St. Pat’s shirt. The Kings are breaking out the big guns for just one night only while Flames fans are still on year six of trying to figure out who Jarod Joseph is.
Oh you want to talk hockey? This was about merch. I’m sorry, was that not clear from the intro?
Back on topic- the Flames have some mediocre-ass merchandise. And personally, it’s killing the franchise.
It ain’t all bad. This shirt is extremely dope and so is this one. But to be a critic, it’s mainly relying on the strength of the pedestal design and the perfect shades of red, yellow, and black the club uses.
The rest of the merch is just riding the coattails of fantastic jerseys. These are wearable but uninspired. Some of it is just generic but with the logo slapped on it. When they have to move away from tried and true formulae, it does not go all that well.
For more perspective, let’s look at the Anaheim Ducks: the literal Mickey Mouse franchise. They have this absolutely goated Paul Kariya shirt that I am very close to dropping approximately $300 CAD after conversion on. Do they run from their cartoonish past? Hell no. Even the misses have something to offer. Do I like this Zegras and Drysdale Step Brothers parody shirt? No, it’s for people who recognize that movie everyone’s seen and is a shirt that requires explanation if you were to wear it outside. But it is at least unique?
Let’s go to a team with less history to draw from: the Vegas Golden Knights. Here’s a goofy hoodie where the hood is their mascot. Dumb and stupid coming from them, but a Harvey the Hound variant? Yes please. A golden Starter jacket? Please, Calgary Flames, I am begging you.
For the final nail in the coffin, I present to you the Montreal Canadiens: a team who has not made any major changes to their jersey since World War II. Surely, the team that has not bothered with switching things up since rotary phones were a brand new invention must have derivative merch. They do not have any wells of inspiration to draw upon, it’s impossible for them to have insanely sick merch, and surely they could not even crossover into basketball and rugby (more soccer, imo) jerseys. I am sick.
It is worth noting that occasionally, the team decides to get a little fresh and a little funky with their merch. Two recent examples that come to mind are the Mangiapane logo shirt, as well as the Flames Tre Kronor shirt. If you need a refresher of what they look like, enjoy:
(ed. note: Hey, do you think that Tre Kronor idea seems a little familiar?)
While not world-breaking merch, it was a nice little change of pace that the team offered up! Would you like to buy one? Well too bad chump, these unique pieces of merch were limited time only despite selling out and being big winners, but we still have tons of Jarod Joseph merch left. Who could forget the legend of “College Buddy” from Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief?
Mr. N. Murray Edwards, we Flames fans are sick of the garbage. It is time to take this franchise into the 21st century and have good merch. Please sir, I hate the concept of giving you money, but I will gladly do it if you give us a tasty retro t-shirt or even a hat that is stitched properly. Make us proud to be Flames fans again. No, I don’t know what’s happening on the ice.
Markström has been bad and it would be nice if the broadcast acknowledge this
Ban all goalies doing PxP except for Kelly Hrudey
by Nathan (@hanoten)
For the last few weeks (last night’s game against St. Louis notwithstanding cause I didn’t watch it), I feel as though the broadcast has been really hammering the narrative that “Jacob Markström is back, baybee!!! Sure, he had some stinky games at the start of the season and the doom and gloom naysayers had a field day when Markström said he sucked at hockey, but he’s back to being that bonafide #1 goaltender.”
Every time they said that, they had a graphic that showed he had something like a .906 SV% over the last six games he played, and I was bewildered. That to me is slightly below league average. Certainly not the .922 SV% goalie he was last year, or the .918 SV% he was his last year with the Canucks.
So originally, this piece started as a plea for folks like Greg Millen to stop it. There are few things I would enjoy more right now if we are forced to have broadcasters than if Greg Millen retired, because he is somehow worse at this gig than he was at being a starting goalie in the NHL. However, at first I had to check myself because right now, on January 11, .905 SV% is the league average for this season. Baffled me, to say the least.
I was still living in the world where a league-average goalie should be .912 SV%. Not even looking at microanalytics or 5v5 numbers of whatever. they should just be stopping shots, plain and simple. I am of the mind that GAA is a team stat, but save percentage is the best metric for valuing a goalie. Gotta stop the puck!
So when Markström ends up being a .906 SV% goalie, I will admit to the broadcast - that is better than I expected! Fair enough. However, damn if we are paying the Vézina-finalist, $6 million goalie to be average for stretches. So far, he’s at .893% for the season, and I don’t care enough to get into the minutiae of what the team should do. Markström has a NMC, they’re stuck with him. Crazy how people thought on day one this might turn south fast.
Anyway, then I remembered that we’ve heard a bit lately about how Vladař gets more run support, as another element of the Markström apology tour. So I wanted to look up a system little thing - on the days where Markström had a league average save percentage, did they win? And the results say what we have all been thinking: Markström is a big issue.
Markström above league average, Flames win: Nine games
Markström above league average, Flames lose: Three games (one in OT)
Markström below league average, Flames win: Four games
Markström below league average, Flames lose: 14 games (five in OT)
I think we can safely say that being 9-2-1 when your goalie turns in at least an average performance is good and that being 4-9-5 when they are not is not groundbreaking science. It’s very evident how important Markström (or any goalie) should be.
All of this is to say: we don’t need a deep dive or to make excuses. Markström has been bad and it should be okay to acknowledge this. If I see another broadcaster tell me it’s better now and I’m a salty little basement-dwelling fan, I will have no choice but to write the CRTC about the dangers of monopolies in broadcasting where they will reply back with their decision on the Rogers-Shaw merger and I will simply [redacted].
The Flames need to lose ten more times in OT
Loser points eventually become winner points
by Ramz (@ramzreboot)
I did some MAJOR investigation. (I went on nhl.com and made like one update to the filters).
The Flames currently have nine overtime losses for nine loser points, the reason they’re still even in a playoff spot. I went back in time and checked; the most overtime losses in a season were 18. Many teams actually got this and had well over 10 in a season while still getting over 100 points.
The Florida Panthers had 18 OTL in 2011-12 and still managed to make the playoffs, actually, they were first in their division if I remember correctly (that’s a lie, I don’t remember, I definitely looked this up. You really think I know anything about the Florida Panthers from 2012? Get real).
The Flames actually had 16 OTL in 2011-12. They sadly did not make the playoffs.
I am now pro-Flames losing in overtime. We need a new record, I’m getting bored. I want 19 overtime losses while still making the playoffs. It’s the season of the losers, baby.
It is time for the Scorchstack Mailbag
It will be an ongoing feature with just one tiny little caveat
by Nathan (@hanoten)
Hello, readers. Scorchstack is made possible thanks to readers like you, and we want to give back with some tailored content. Since Scorchstack is the #1 Calgary Flames Newsletter AND Lifestyle Service Subscription, it is time we made good on the latter aspect of that and started offering a mailbag to help you with questions you are dying to know the answer of.
For as long as we get questions, we will answer them. That’s our promise to you. Ask about whatever you want*! Want to know about fashion, how to improve your life, tips for sleeping better, what books you should be reading, how to better grow as a human being, whatever.
*The rule is that you cannot ask a single question about hockey. You ask about hockey, and the answer will always be Go Fuck Yourself. Those are the rules. Let’s go over some examples.
Q: Scorchies, what is a good gift I can get my crush?
A: A Scorchstack subscription
Q: Scorchies, what do you make of the recent play of Trevor “Trev Time” Lewis?
A: Go Fuck Yourself.
Now that we’ve covered this, please continue to send us your best questions. This is only fun if you help us make it fun. If it takes off, I might make a real graphic for the mailbag but also I very well may not.
Up Next Week
The Flames, in theory, escape their Groundhog Day cosplay and get to leave St. Louis. OR they start doing a Twilight Zone cosplay and n̷͉̈́͐e̸̖͔̋v̶̛̗͠ẹ̸͑͆ȓ̴͉̙̅ ̸̮̽l̷̫̠̕e̷̱̅ą̸͈̆v̷̮̀̊͜e̶̗͐ ̶̡̜́̒S̵̛͙̓t̴͇́.̸̜̳͘ ̶̬̉͠L̸̼̀ö̷̠͇ù̶̳̞i̵̩̓̒ͅș̵͌̈ ̴͍̞̔ā̸͈g̷̦̀á̵͉̹ǐ̶̼̠̋n̴̯͉̄̇.̸̪̙͋ ̵̝̑Should be fun to find out which one!
Hopefully we have some questions that need answering! Or else this feature will die faster than the Roons’ NHL hopes. (RIP we miss u)