The ScorchStack Issue #128 - A lot of now-divorced idiots on Twitter who claimed they were “#GirlDads”
Your Seattle Mariners are on a six-game winning streak and that's what you need to know.
Calgary Flames need a player who is cheeky enough to pull this off. It’s currently someone of the Rasmus Andersson ilk but we are looking for more of this attitude please.
Marinerstack.
What’s inside?
Our Forever A Real One series continues with another of the members of the exclusive club: good UFA signings by Brad Treliving.
Sure, it’s August, but we’re already prepping for the hockey season by deciding which games….NOT to watch???
Since last issue
Forever A Real One continued with issue #127 and the first half of our tie for 12th place. Also: Pokémon.
These people got married and did it in Flames jerseys and uhhhh I hope they’re happy! If my wife is reading this I hope she is also happy with the choices I never even suggested.
The ScorchStack Forever A Real One Series: Michael Frolík (T-12th)
“Frolík makes Jágr look normal” - actual quote from the Flames equipment manager, Mark DePasquale
by Mike (@MikeFail)
It’s the summer of 2015. You’re sitting in a basement, or at work, or in a ditch wondering about how the Calgary Flames can improve their roster in a meaningful way for the next few years. The team is fresh off a surprising playoff berth and things look promising.
Then they sign Michael Frolík to a five-year deal and if you’re a stats sicko of that era you know the Flames have done something good. He’s what a lot of now-divorced idiots on Twitter who claimed they were “#GirlDads” and love Oil & Gas proclaimed “he corsis good” as a way to undermine the actual value of a type of player of his ilk offered.
Even if the contract was a little rich in hindsight, it was worth signing because it guaranteed for the first time that Mikael Backlund had a winger of quality.
Frolík was an analytics darling for the time. His tenure in Chicago was purely depth insulation for the roster despite two years in Florida where he showed value in terms of offensive contributions. His pit stop in Canada’s belly button - Winnipeg - was a return to form and a preview of what the Flames were expecting out of him.
The immediate impact of Frolík playing in that second line was felt. The penalty kill was deeper and more adept, playing into a power kill mantra. Just check these highlights from a Sportsnet nightly wrap-up video aptly titled: Frolík is a freak. He had a hat trick against St. Louis while notching two shorthanded goals.
The team had additional capability at 5v5, even if noted dickhead Bob Hartley was still coaching the Flames for 2015-16. The team was going to turn a corner, it just needed a couple of tweaks.
Then Bob got fired and was banished to some fucking shadow dimension (Europe), the Flames drafted Matthew Tkachuk, the birth of the 3M line (a Mike Pfeil creation) occurred.
The first season of the 3M line at 5v5 produced one of the most effective lines in recent NHL history. 744.78 minutes together: 55.85% xGF and 62.06% CF. Credit could be dispersed evenly across the trio. Numbers only akin to very few trios — in the echelon of lines like Brad Marchand - Patrice Bergeron - David Pastrňák.
Backlund’s legitimately underrated two-way impacts anchoring the line, giving them the ability to break out of their own end and into the opposition’s end; Tkachuk’s forechecking, puck distribution, and antics to spice up the game; and Frolík’s IQ which was on display in the countless 1:00+ long shifts where the Flames would set up shop in the offensive zone, the opponent would attempt to break out, and Frolík would disrupt their livelihood to give the Flames another minute (or more, quite often) in the offensive zone.
Touching very quickly again on Frolík’s IQ: the man was constantly thinking about the game and how he approached it. He was an equipment fiend. It wasn’t enough that he swapped his skates for a new pair about every eight games or so because he liked them at their absolute stiffest. It was common for him to begin every practice by examining all his sticks, checking them all out, for whichever one felt the best that day. He was always thinking about what would bring out the best in him, and that dedication clearly boosted his teammates wherever he went.
None of this happens with Frolík or a Frolík-type because his ability to seamlessly fit into this line, contribute, and add value was so rare for the Flames. It went on for four seasons. Four years of watching Frolík do the little things that help win hockey games until an extremely tumultuous ending seeing Frolík’s ice-time drop, his agent picking a fight in the media, and his subsequent trade to Buffalo ended his tenure.
Shitheads will say that his contract eventually led to the Flames bridging Tkachuk, which led to his eventual exit; it’s farther from that when the contracts at the time (Travis Hamonic in particular) were greater issues. He was for the longest time, the best UFA signing the team had made in decades. He continues to be one of the better signees by now-former Brad Treliving. Scorchstack misses him and the 3M line every day.
The Top 5 Games Next Season You Can Afford To Miss
They can't all be winners
by Nathan (@hanoten)
It is truly the dog days of summer, and yet I have never been busier. I’m hitting dingers for one softball team and subbing for a few others, running the worst kickball team in Calgary and having the most fun doing it, running my weekly trivia night and making big plans for the future, and I have been online so little. I spent all last weekend at Folk Fest seeing my pals, and slept out again on Prince’s Island Park like the dirty tarpie that I am. I didn’t wear shoes the entire weekend. I get to watch some sports here and there, from the Mariners to the Stamps to the currently-on-their-playoff-run Okotoks Dawgs. I got my anniversary this weekend and made some nice little plans for it.
The point is: life rocks when you aren’t tied to garbage.
And yet, I know that as soon as October hits, no matter how good or bad the Calgary Flames are, I’m going to watch the overwhelming majority of games. It’s fine. It’s good. I like the Calgary Flames hockey club and they only ever cause me pain. It’s totally fine.
So I took a glance ahead at the schedule to decide what were the five most likely games I could miss, just to remind myself that not every game matters, and some of these games aren’t going to be worth it. Turn off the TV. I am begging future me, please stick to the plan.
First, I was pleasantly surprised that once the calendar hits December, the Flames will only have two back-to-backs left in their entire season. And one of those is in April, and we will definitely know exactly what this team is by then. That’s great! Minimal double whammys should definitely keep spirits high.
But of course, there are definitely games that I know can just be straight up skipped, and I am passing that knowledge onto you.
Honourable mention: the entire preseason
Just don’t. Don’t do it. “There’s a new coach, I want to learn the systems” yeah so do the players. It’s going to be bad. You will learn nothing. You can enjoy just enjoy a nice Autumn walk. It’ll be pleasantly brisk. Stay away from preseason.
#5: February 22 vs. Boston Bruins
For the most part, I accept that even if the Flames lose, there is a lot of fun in actually going to the games. They are fun, they are fast, you might win a prize (you won’t win a prize).
However, I am making a sole exception to this mid-February Thursday game. First off, it’ll be against the Bruins, who will probably still be a good team even with all their losses this offseason. On top of that, fans should still remember that even when the Flames play at their best against Boston like last season, it’s still just gonna be an overtime loss at best.
What makes this one truly skippable though is knowing that there will be a little something something for the return of Milan Lucic. Probably not a pregame ceremony, because that would be particularly embarrassing for a guy who was a cap hit drag for four seasons. But there will be a little tribute video of his time here, what they meant, it’ll drag out. Not worth it to also then watch the team lose.
#4: November 22 at Nashville Predators
My gut is telling me that this is going to the game that is the biggest warning sign about the team. They’ll have had roughly a month to iron out the kinks in their game and truly understand what new coach Ryan Huska wants. They’ll have some learning lessons in losses and grind out some gritty wins. Then, they will travel to Nashville looking to make a statement that they are for real.
And they’ll whiff. Just a hunch.
#3: January 11 at Arizona Coyotes
You seriously telling me that you have nothing better to do on a Thursday night than watch the Flames play in Arizona? You want another round of ‘look at the wacky NCAA arena’ bits that were already tired last season? Kelly Hrudey saying “Boy Rick, this team sure is trying to make the best out of a tough situation they’ve been dealt and you sure have to appreciate the effort they’ve done here to make it feel like a real hockey game.”
If you’re even one of those sickos who specifically wants to see the Arizona Coyotes (okay???) they will be at the ‘Dome the following Tuesday. You can watch that and still spend a nice little night out with someone you care about! Bad game to watch.
#2: November 25 at Colorado Avalanche
Don’t know if you’re aware of this, but the Colorado Avalanche are a pretty good hockey team. On top of that, the Flames are playing one of their few back-to-backs this season, and they are playing in Dallas the night before. That’s two very good hockey teams with some travel in the middle. Folks, it’s a schedule loss.
I will admit though that I will likely try to watch this one with my good friend Ben, who is an Avs fan. I am going to sit through all his awful jokes at my expense as we watch his team win, but it will bring him joy and I will enjoy the night out with the two of us. He's already predicted the Avs will win 3-2, which is a bit generous I think.
You may be asking: why don’t you two just go watch the Avs when they play in Calgary? Great question, glad you asked. You see, Ben is in a power wheelchair, which means that when we go to games together we sit in the accessible seating section. It’s fantastic, as those tickets have a great view and they’re actually reasonably priced. The problem is that Ben and I love to drink, and by the end of the game, Ben is an automatic DUI trying to navigate his chair through the Saddledome concourse.
The last time this happened I had to run to keep up to him as he yelled “Coming through” and drove a little too fast through the post-game crowds before getting impatient with the automatic door button and slicing his hand on it trying to bang it open. He then left me a fun trail of blood as he drove off to find his dad and their family handi-van. It was a riot. I know it sounds macabre in writing, and I’m sure people around us were horrified, but we were cry-laughing.
I love hanging out and watching hockey with Ben, but I think at this point it would be safer for everyone if we did it in his house and were menaces in private. That’s my excuse for watching this game, you better have one just as good if you’re going to watch it.
#1: December 12 at Vegas Golden Knights
First off, Vegas is insufferable and that’s only going to get worse as the defending Champions. But also, this is again one of those schedule losses. Their last meaningful (probably) back-to-back, and those Avalanche are the night before. The Flames are going to get a real doozy of a test, and I’m not holding my breath.
Also, Tuesdays is when I host trivia, so obviously I’ll be doing that. But mostly the everything else I just said.
Anyway, that’s 5/82 nights of your season back! It’ll take baby steps but you too can learn how to have a healthy relationship with sports. At least until the team is a bonafide contender again. You have some time.
Up Next Week
The kickball team that half the Scorchies are on enter the playoffs as the last seed in the game. Time for an underdog story of how we came 5th out of 6th.
Maybe the Flames make a trade or something? We have a nice cheap Noah Hanifin for sale.