The Scorchies Red Carpet, Coming To You Live
they said it couldn't be done after that time we burned down that building
Hi everyone! It’s Krayden! It’s New Year’s Eve and it’s cold outside, but for some reason the scorchstackies have me standing outside on this red carpet next to some old guy who looks like he doesn’t like Kray Kray all that much.
Francis Ericsson: My name is Francis Ericsson, I’m a respected PHWA scribe, and no, I don’t like you.
K: We’ll check in with him later when he’s not being such a grump! I think we’re here for some kind of award show, outside this place they’re calling The Roons Memorial Event Centre, which I think is someone’s name but it seems dumb, and also I peaked inside and I’m pretty sure it’s just some kinda school gym, so I don’t really know what’s going on.
FE: I think the last place burned down. I was there but the catering was atrocious so I didn’t pay attention to anything. I do remember a fire. Is Johnny Gaudreau going to be at this thing tonight, or what? I have some things I’d like to say to his face, mostly because he won’t answer my texts.
Well, someone answers them, but I’m pretty sure it’s not him. What a coward.
K: This guy is real serious, ol’ Kraydizzle isn’t sure what to think! Some other guy is walking on this red carpet coming towards us, maybe he knows something! Hi there, who are you?
Ryan Carpenter: I’m Ryan Carpenter.
K: Cool! What do you do?
RC: I’m a professional hockey player.
K: No but like actually.
RC: Why…why does everyone always say that to me? I’m a professional hockey player, I’ve played in the NHL.
K: that’s soooo cool, I don’t know if I believe you but if you’re here that must be true. This piece of paper they make me look at says something about an award for players we forgot played for the Flames or whatever. It’s pretty boring so I didn’t read it all, but maybe that’s for you?
RC: I don’t know why I’m here either, but it could be that. I did play for the Calgary Flames.
FE: Rylan Carpentry? Of course I remember you. You played for the Flames. You and I are good friends. Hell of a quote, this guy.
RC: I don’t think you ever intervie-
FE: Sure I did. Salt of the earth kinda guy, not like that feeble minded Matthew Tkachuk. Now THERE’S a guy I forgot played for the Calgary Flames.
K: Oh weird they gave me this one thing that looks like a really old type of Air Pod and had me put it in my ear and now someone is talking to me through it!
FE: That’s called an earpiece, kid, learn some class and professionalism, like me.
K: The voice inside it sounds really mad and wants me to read the paper they gave me. Ugh, it looks like it has so much stuff on it. Fiiiiiiiiiiiine, stop yelling at me.
FE: These millennials, I tell ya, here they are outside a gym with some of the most prestigious hockey players of all time, like my friend Bryan Carpsonter, and they’d rather spend all day on phone playing with their Tik Toks.
K: What’s a millennial? Why is this ear person yelling at me? Okay okay okay. I’m looking at the paper. It says here this year the Scorchstackie awards are
/taps finger to ear
What? They’re called the Scorchie awards? I like mine better. No but….you sound mean. Anyway, the Scorchstackie Awards are bringing back something called the 1 year, 700k contract, I guess they didn’t do that one last year but now they are again. Hey, maybe I can win that one!
FE: …
K: They told me I can’t win that one. Can I win any of them? Ruin what surprise? Oh right, that award that was made just for me, I even wrote a speech for it! Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone about that one.
FE: Typical. Kid makes a stink and they give him a participation trophy. In my day you only got those when you won. Which I did, all the time. Is Katie Gaudreau here, I have some things I want to say to her face.
K: Hey, look at this, there’s another real grumpy looking guy coming towards us, let’s find out what’s going on there. Hey everyone, I’m Krayden! Who are you?
Jack Campbell: I’m Jack Campbell, I’m the goalie for the Edmonton Oilers.
K: Booooooo! We don’t like those stupid Oilers here.We like the Flames! Why are you even here?
JC: Shouldn’t you know? Aren’t you hosting this thing?
K: Maybe!
Ken Holland: He’s here because of me, Ken Holland. He’s one of the nominees for this year’s Ken Holland award, which is awarded to the best move I make in the year. Honestly I’m surprised you guys are always so excited about it, but so am I, I take this very seriously.
K: Whoa where did this guy come from? Let’s ask him.
FE: He….he’s gone.
K: Whooooa how did he do that?
KH: I didn’t disappear, I just went inside, did you not know this is where the awards show is happening?
K: Whoa, an awards show??? Is that why I’m here? Coooooool!!!!
FE: I’m just here for the free food myself. And to correctly slander Johnny Gaudreau. He’s not here, is he? I have some prepared statements about how I was always right about him, even when I said he should sign a long term contract extension, and when he scored that goal, and sure maybe I said I would like to go in together on a timeshare in North Dakota, but that doesn’t mean I-
K: The ear person is telling me it’s time to go inside. Inside where? Do I get to go home now, I want to see what happened on the last episode of Wednesday. That’s right, I like Wednesday! The ear person is telling me I have to be here for this entire thing, and that we have to go inside or else I’ll get fired? What does that even mean? Let’s go in and find out. Hi everyone! I’m Krayden, we’ll see you next time.
FE: You don’t say hi everyone when you’re leaving. You know what, I don’t care, let me get at those hot dogs while they’re still hot.