The #NoDomingue2021 dream remains alive for at least one more day! Oh, and I guess the Flames still have a shot at the playoffs? Cool. I know which of those two things is more important to me.
The Week of: May 3rd-9th
Results From Past Week: Your Calgary Flames got smoked in a midweek tilt with the Winnipeg Jets that yours truly did not see, but followed it up by drubbing the best team in the league from our nation’s capital, so bit of a mixed bag! Somehow, through all of this, the boys in red remain in the playoff hunt? I think I must be reading that wrong.
Flames Overall Record: 23-26-3, 49 pts
Standings: 5th place in the North Division. Montreal in 4th place is within spitting distance, but please do not spit. It is unseemly.
Soundtrack: Whatever is the opposite of Don’t Dream It’s Over - Crowded House
This, but like completely different. I guess it’s Dream On by Aerosmith, but I don’t want to listen to Aerosmith.
What We Liked:
This is going to sound like it’s dripping in snark - mostly because it is - but it’s nice of the Flames to give us a reason to still watch the remaining games on the schedule. The Flames feel like they are a heartbeat away from missing out on hockey in June, and unless the team tells me right now that Matthew Phillips would dress for every game of this upcoming series against Vancouver, there would not be much value to be had in seeing the rest of this season play out.
We’d all do it, of course, we’re all suffering from Stockholm Syndrome and we will do whatever the team tells us to do, but my goodness, the motions: we would be going through them.
While the Flames are technically alive, it gives extra meaning to a beautiful and hard-fought Johnny Gaudreau breakaway goal against the Senators, or makes the sting of a demoralizing loss to the Jets that much stronger. It’s nice to still have the choice to care.
Especially seeing as that’s probably about to go away. We got to enjoy it while it lasted.
What We Would Prefer Not To See:
In beating the juggernaut Ottawa Senators yesterday evening, the Flames jumped up five spots in the overall NHL standings. To look at it another way, they dropped five places in the NHL draft. While it’s nice to see the team execute a late drive towards legitimacy, the odds of the Flames completing this miraculous turnaround are enormous, and the margins for error are razor-thin.
It sort of feels like when a marathon runner pulls a hamstring on the last half mile, but grits it out and limps towards the finish line. Profound, but technically meaningless.
I guess I’m torn here. Obviously, I would love to see the Flames make the playoffs. This is a team we all cheer for, we want to see some tangible signs of success, and booking a spot in the postseason would be a pretty great story. It would also piss off Habs fans, which, trust me, is very funny. But I’m also a realist, and I feel like this late push is actively harmful given that they are extremely likely to fall short of the ultimate goal here. Might as well start preparing for the future.
Enemy of the Week:
With all this in mind, I’ll let you choose your enemy this week. Is it the Edmonton Oilers, the perpetual Shelbyville to our beloved Springfield, our perpetual foes who can keep the Habs from clinching the final spot in the North Division and giving the Flames faint hope (and finding their own cousins very attractive!)? Or is it Montreal themselves, the most immediate roadblock standing in the way of an inevitable first-round loss? Or is it the Vancouver Canucks, who are still somehow a part of all of this?
I guess that’s up to you!
What Happens Next/We Were Right:
Last week’s prediction:
I’m just going to go ahead and make that my prediction. The Flames are going to lose.
You don’t understand the amount of wisdom and vision that goes into constantly making the tough -and correct - decision week over week. Some of us are just blessed with gifts that normies like you cannot begin to comprehend.
So, with that in mind, no predictions this week. My psychic equity is spent. Let’s just see how this all plays out. There are two games against the Canucks this week. They could be meaningless before the puck even drops. Let’s take this ride together.
Crypto Breakthrough of The Week:
Did you hear the news? Elon Munsk hosted Saturday Night Live! I know! I don’t need to tell you, it was really funny. We all watched it, of course, so we know it was a laugh-a-second riot. Our knees are all literally bruised from all the slapping. Our guts? Totally busted.
You know who didn’t see it? The humourless hacks over at dogecoin, that’s who (does dogecoin have employees? I totally understand cryptocurrency). Look what happened to the value of this, uh, meme stock (??? I totally understand cryptocurrency) right as SNL hit the airwaves:
That massive downward plummet right at the end? That’s what was happening right as our capitalist hero was shouting “Live from New York”. Dogecoin’s value dropped like a dehydrated Tesla warehouse worker at the end of a 14-hour shift. Poor Elon, everyone’s a critic.
But from the ashes comes a rising phoenix, because look what happened to the value of our very own scorchcoin at the exact same time:
These numbers speak for themselves. The time for newfound prosperity is clearly upon us, and it’s one you best jump in on here on the ground floor, so get those right clicks and save images in! The Scorchstack and scorchcoin: a sustainable and permanent entity. Catch the fever!
Unrelated Fact:
A couple of days ago, I was made aware of the existence of one Carlos Henrique Raposo, known the world over as Carlos Kaiser, a Brazillian football player who enjoyed a long career across Brazil and the rest of the world without ever actually knowing how to play the game. I’ve been obsessed ever since. This man was a gifted conman, and lord knows I love me a grifter who grifts for the greater good. Soccer may be the beautiful game, but its institution is rife with corruption, so you have to love seeing an everyday schlub like the rest of us get one over on it. His exploits are gifts. He is a legend. I love him.
I could tell you the whole story, but I implore you to check out the documentary. It’s a very fun story, and you can’t help but smile.
See You Next Week:
New Masterton Trophy nominees just dropped. For the Calgary Flames, it’s Milan Lucic’s turn to take a shot at winning the dumbest trophy in the entirety of professional sports. What is the PHWA’s basis for giving the big man the nod? We’re going right to the source for this one:
Talk about overcoming adversity. Congratulations, Milan Lucic.