We’re all Calgary Flames fans, so none of this is new to us. When the team you cheer for is bad, it’s not the looming hope of postseason glory that gets you up in the morning. It’s not the marquee matchup between two powerhouses that help determine who gets home ice advantage in the playoffs that does it for you. Division crowns? Conference champs? Get the fuck out of here.
It’s the paperwork that floats your boat, and friends, it’s business time. Trade deadline day and the draft are the halcyon days of fans of bad hockey teams, and those days are nigh. They are inextricably linked. Today, trade deadline day is when we find out how many late round draft picks Brad Treliving can accrue, and the draft is when we discover whichever General Manager has replaced him can use those picks to find another Johnny Gaudreau. To replace the current Johnny Gaudreau? Who’s to say?
(I sure hope not)
Anyway, enjoy the day, friends (even though I don’t think anything else is going to happen). Whatever. Subscribe to Scorchstack.
The Week of: April 5th-11th
Results From Past Week: David Rittich has been traded and we’re all sad, but we’re saving the fallout from that for our Wednesday issue, but regardless, we shan’t be discussing the Toronto Maple Leafs anymore. Too sad. The Flames played the Oilers this week and absolutely ruined the MVP bid Mike Smith was aiming for. Can’t wait to see who he blames for it.
Flames Overall Record: 17-21-3, 37 pts
Standings: 5th place in the North Division. I wonder if there are any extremely fucked up events going on in Vancouver right now that could explain why Calgary leapfrogged them in the standings.
Soundtrack: So Long, Farewell - the creepy children from The Sound of Music
Shit sucks, man.
What We Liked:
Well, dismantling the Oilers sure remains a pretty cool treat to watch. I think a lot of us are firmly in the tank camp when it comes to the remainder of this Flames season, but it’s hard to deny how fun it is to see Chris Tanev of all people absolutely handle one of the top 30-50 talents in the NHL in Connor McDavid. Jacob Markstrom played well, and could have certainly used a shutout after enduring one of the roughest on ice patches of his career, but they held Edmonton’s attack to 17 shots, which rules, and is also hilarious.
Not only that, but there was immediate, short term success in separating Johnny Gaudreau and Sean Monahan, as both of them were placed on separate lines and they looked GREAT doing so, breaking lengthy scoring droughts, sure, but seemed to have a much stronger hold on the play in the offensive zone than we’ve seen in quite some time. I think Gaudreau and Tkachuk in particular seem to be players who compliment each other very well, and while we’re in this “let’s see what sticks” portion of this not-dwindling-fast-enough 2021 campaign, I hope that’s a pairing that gets a chance to see what they’ve got (having Elias Lindholm center them sure doesn’t hurt)
I would be remiss if I didn’t talk about how funny it is to see Mike Smith get his ass handed to him when he’s not in a Flames jersey. His search to blame literally anyone other than him on goals against has become so prevalent that even Kelly Hrudey - the least perceptive man in the entire world - brought it up. Keep doing what you’re doing, Mike, Calgary loves you for it.
What We Would Prefer Not To See:
I do not want to talk about it. (broken heart emoji)
Enemy of the Week:
I already said we won’t be discussing them, and we won’t, but it’s them. They play the Flames tomorrow. If they do the thing I think they might do, I will be arrested for crimes that you haven’t even heard of yet. Not even Doug Ford could fuck up the province of Ontario worse than I will if they do the thing.
(Hello. I should mention, uh, parody. Non-actionable)
What Happens Next/We Were Right:
Last week’s prediction:
[redacted]
Sorry, can’t talk about it.
The Big Monday Thing is going to be published prior to the official trade deadline. As of this writing, the only deal the Flames have made is the one that makes me cry and cry and cry, and I’m relatively certain that’s the only one we’ll end up seeing. Taylor Hall fetched a 2nd round pick yesterday. I love Derek Ryan, but if Hall set the market, I don’t even think there’s a round in the draft low enough that a Ryan trade can fetch.
Nobody likes Sam Bennett. It’s just not happening.
Igor Larionov II of The Week:
If you didn’t catch the chat that Ramz, Nathan, and Konnie had with Igor Larionov II of the Kunlun Red Star, I highly, highly recommend you do so. I love this kid. He’s such an affable and engaging kid, and has a prevailing wisdom that far, FAR exceeds what you’d expect of a 22 year old professional hockey player. The interview touches on social issues and how they are translated in a, uh, less than progressive hockey locker room, differences in Russian and North American hockey, fashion, big asses, and for some reason a lot of One Direction chat.
It’s an hour long and you’ll feel like it should have gone longer. The Scorchstack are officially Igor Larionov II people.
Unrelated Fact:
I’m currently on season 2 of my first run through on the Sopranos, and I’m wondering how much longer I have to endure Tony’s mother before she finally dies. Please don’t tell me, I want the joy/pain to come organically.
See You Next Week:
Scorchstack. Wrestling Brain. Big Shiny Goons. Everyone is saying it.