The Big Monday Thing - Like Tumblr After They Got Rid Of The Sex
The title is just an inside joke to the Scorchstack DM group and will not factor into this post. I'm sure you, the reader, loves that
I’ll tell you what, nothing that has happened or could happen to the Calgary Flames this season could possibly be as embarrassing as dropping a decision to a team that hasn’t been on the ice in two weeks due to recovering from a debilitating respiratory virus.
You know, hypothetically speaking. I’m sure nothing like that has happened recently.
The Week of: April 12th-18th
Results From Past Week: The Montreal Canadiens dealt a pretty sharp body blow to Calgary’s playoff chances on Friday, taking a four-point decision away and ending a three-game winning streak in the process. The Flames played a perfect road game against the Leafs, in that Toronto decided to be real dicks about it and start David Rittich against the Flames just days after trading for him, only for the Flames to win. What makes it perfect is that Rittich played great, but not great enough to entice Kyle Dubas to re-sign him to a deal past this season. You really can’t ask for anything more than that.
They did also beat the Habs before dropping the latter half of the back to back, and whatever, we’re supposed to be in tank mode anyway.
Flames Overall Record: 19-22-3, 41 pts
Standings: 5th place in the North Division. Six points behind Montreal (Montreal has two games in hand). Both teams seem desperate to cede 4th place in the North Division to anyone else who might want it. Maybe the Rangers? Remains to be seen.
Soundtrack: A LIFE SO WONDERFUL - The Armed
If I don’t choose this tasty new track from the album of the summer, Scorchie Mike won’t let me out from the bottom of this well.
What We Liked:
Mark Giordano scored the winner in Calgary’s 4-1 drubbing of the several times aforementioned Montreal Canadiens last week, and when the graphic popped up on the screen showing the details of the goal, the thing that I was shocked to see was a little number in brackets next to the name Giordano that said (8th).
In a shortened season that has been firmly played off the rails, it snuck up on me that Gio had put up that many goals within it. I had to double-check to make sure it was true (it is!).
This is not to suggest he’s had a good season - he hasn’t - and he does appear to be playing the way you would expect a 37-year-old NHL defenseman to play, as the age curve does indeed come for us all eventually. Gio and Rasmus Andersson, while still fine defensemen that you would much rather have on your side than not, have had a rough go of it this season, spending more time trying to exit their own zone than spend time on the other side. The fact that their possession numbers are only underwhelming and not a disaster just shows the kind of quality we expect from them, and the bounces have not gone their way. But the idea that there is still a bit of offensive pop left in the captain’s stick (not to mention that we don’t even seem to notice it’s there) just made me feel good. He’s been surprising us for years, what’s one more thing?
What We Would Prefer Not To See:
Hey, what if we just decided not to care about Milan Lucic at all? Wouldn’t that be nice?
I understand that it’s an accomplishment to reach 1000 games in the NHL, but considering he’s played only a fraction of those in Calgary silks, and a much smaller fraction still of having a positive impact in those games, the red carpet treatment for the big man’s whole deal has felt pretty disingenuous, and to those of us who have to endure the celebrations against our will, pretty insulting.
Lucic’s 1000th game fell this past week in the win over the Leafs, and despite making the pass to Juuso Valimaki — who was so wide open, everyone must have assumed he was a healthy scratch — which was converted into an easy goal, #17 was so visibly awful every time the play was in his general vicinity. It didn’t matter whether he was handling a pass with the aplomb of a new dad trying to dispose of a soiled diaper, dishing them out with the accuracy of a Suez Canal ship captain, or getting his dumb face busted open in a staged fight against someone you’ve never heard of before. You can pick your poison, those are all Milan Lucic specials.
I’m increasingly more convinced that we’ll never be lucky enough to witness Mikael Backlund play game #1000 with the Flames, but if we do, it will be extremely interesting contrasting the hype surrounding both games. I’m pretty sure the results would give me an aneurysm. Maybe this is for the best after all.
It is, however, QUITE FUNNY if you’re the kind of person who would buy something like this:
I suppose if you love Milan Lucic, this is what you deserve. Enjoy your velcro back hat and the vague commemoration on the front you’ll forget the meaning of in three months.
Enemy of the Week:
I don’t know man, this is a lost season, it’s hard to feel anything more than dull malaise at this point. Pick your own enemy this week, this team isn’t very good, it’s kinda their own fault.
What Happens Next/We Were Right:
Last week’s prediction:
The Big Monday Thing is going to be published prior to the official trade deadline. As of this writing, the only deal the Flames have made is the one that makes me cry and cry and cry, and I’m relatively certain that’s the only one we’ll end up seeing. Taylor Hall fetched a 2nd round pick yesterday. I love Derek Ryan, but if Hall set the market, I don’t even think there’s a round in the draft low enough that a Ryan trade can fetch.
Nobody likes Sam Bennett. It’s just not happening.
Ha ha ha…ha. Ha. Ha. Oh like you’ve never been wrong about anything before.
This week, your Calgary Flames are set to face, that’s right, F̶r̶a̶n̶k̶ ̶S̶t̶a̶l̶l̶o̶n̶e̶ The Montreal Canadiens for every game between now and the end of time, because the North Division is a hell-born phantasm that one cannot wake from. This means, as we’ve all seen coming for weeks now, that the Flames and Habs will battle all the way down to the middle. Montreal will suck just enough to give the Flames a glimmer of hope of obtaining (earning is not the right word) the last playoff spot in the division, before cruelly snatching the berth back on probably the last day of the season.
I’m just telling you this now as a reminder that it’s going to be a disappointment. Not only because that’s about where we all expected the team to land for quite some time, but because of how this string on games will be played.
Thing I Made Extremely Tangentially Related To Dustin Wolf’s Birthday of The Week:
Three Wolfs. Awoo.
Unrelated Fact:
lol
See You Next Week:
Only
/checks
…12 games left in the season! Goddamn it, 12??? What did we ever do to deserve this?