I sat down to write this week’s Big Monday Thing, and initially that mostly meant idly staring at a very blank screen, one where finding words to fill it with felt just outside my grasp. The Flames had just put a four-game losing streak to bed with a convincing win over the Winnipeg Jets, which was fun, but this latest skid has been particularly draining, a new low adding onto a season littered with them.
The win was nice, but it felt improbable that one game could or would turn fortunes around for the Flames and, as hard as you try, writing about bad hockey teams is never as fun as writing about good ones (Maybe. Most people who have covered the Flames don’t have much of a frame of reference here). I was caught in a real strong malaise and didn’t know how to get out of it.
Then they got the boat loose. While I slumped in my chair, ignoring this piece and the music in my headphones, just taking up oxygen more than anything else, the boat was back in the water.
The Ever Given, a city-sized container ship that was blocking all traffic in the Suez Canal for the past six days. I don’t know why I’m explaining this, as soon as I said the boat, you knew what I meant.
Now I believe anything is possible and the Flames are going to win the Stanley Cup. That win over the Jets was the first day of the rest of the season.
Also, I’m going to buy a boat.
The Week of: March 22nd-28th
Results From Past Week: Does anyone really want me to go over last week in detail? How many times do you want to read the words “The Flames lost to the last place team”? There’s a joke involving a doctor, Pagliacci, the Calgary Flames, and the worst team in hockey, but I forget how it goes.
Flames Overall Record: 16-17-3, 35 pts
Standings: 5th place in the North Division. They’ve basically been in exactly this position all season long, but this week this actually counts as an improvement.
Soundtrack: I’m On A Boat - The Lonely Island (Sorry)
Sorry. Sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I had to do it. I’m sorry.
What We Liked:
/looks at the entire NHL season
Folks, Dustin Wolf has only allowed one (1) goal against so far in his final season in the WHL. He started the season six shutouts shy of the all-time WHL record, and many presumed the record (currently co-held by the man Wolf took over from in the Everett net, Carter Hart) was safe, given that the WHL is only playing 24 games this season.
Well in just over one week, Wolf cut that number in half, picking up three shutouts in a row. I can’t wait for this kid to be a full-time pro, so he can fulfill his destiny of being the greatest goalie in the history of any and all sports that require a goaltender.
Please appreciate this absolutely terrible graphic the Silvertips made to honour Wolf now holding the longest shutout streak in franchise history.
What We Would Prefer Not To See:
I think we’ll just do this in bullet form this week:
Zac Rinaldo playing NHL hockey games for the Calgary Flames in 2021
Michael Stone playing NHL hockey games for the Calgary Flames in 2021
Joakim Nordstrom playing on the power play
Sam Bennett and Milan Lucic playing together on the power play
Sam Bennett and Sean Monahan on the penalty kill
Stretches that seem to last MINUTES where the Flames look gassed and get hemmed in their own end, usually resulting in a goal against
By the Ottawa Senators
Johnny Gaudreau discourse
<add your own here!>
Enemy of the Week:
We really could have picked anyone here, but we’ve been waiting all year for it to be Michael Stone. We all knew this day was coming. I have been in contact with our crack legal team over at Scorchstack, Scorchstack, and Diamond, paying top dollar to see what legal discourse we have to file a restraining order against him on behalf of all of us who have to endure the repeated trauma of seeing him, even after we thought maybe this time he was gone for good. This is like a bad movie. This is Swimfan. Michael Stone will be the last thing you see before you die.
What Happens Next/We Were Right:
Last week’s prediction:
My prediction for the week is that this will be the most boring stretch of games this season.
Take some solace in knowing that while we all had to endure just a garbage week of hockey from the Calgary Flames, at least it was also really boring and I was right. Doesn’t that make you feel a little bit better about all of this?
So the Canadian government announced that players from American teams traded to those north of the border now only have to quarantine for seven days before joining their new club, as opposed to the standard 14. The announcement said the decision was made "under national interest grounds", which is written in just about as stupid a way as the decision is in the first place.
Regardless, the trade deadline is April 12th, and with the season set to end on May 10th, I think teams are going to want more than a month for their playoff rentals to acclimatize to their new surroundings, so I feel like if any player swaps are going to go down, league-wide and for the Flames specifically, it’ll be this week.
That being said I don’t think the Flames make any trades that will even be worth talking about. See you later, I don’t know, Byron Froese?
Heartbreaking Mikael Backlund Quote Of The Week:
I think Mike will have more on this in this week’s Scorchstack, but stuff like this really stings. When Jarome Iginla’s time with the Flames was dwindling, fans had to reckon with the fact that if they were ever going to see the finest player in franchise history lift the Cup above his head, they would have to begrudgingly see him do it with another team’s logo on his chest. Conflicted isn’t the right word, but it was all kinds of confusing hoping to see the Pittsburgh Penguins go on a run that one year.
To a lot of fans, certainly all of us at the Scorchstack, Backlund’s desire for a Cup hits about the same. Few in this game truly deserve to have their name etched on the Stanley Cup more than Mikael Backlund, but it’s a near certainty that if that ever happens, it will have to be a different team he’s getting his name engraved under.
Cool. I hate it.
Unrelated Fact:
More bummer news this week, as legendary actor Jessica Walter passed away at the age of 80. Walter had a long and celebrated career, but if you’re like me, you knew her as Lucille Bluth on maybe the funniest television shows of all time, Arrested Development (if you ignore the Netflix seasons). Lucille was an old, white, rich, mean, racist drunk and, because of how she was portrayed by Walter, universally beloved.
I watched this “Best of Lucille Bluth” video on YouTube like five times after hearing the news, and I was laughing each and every time. She was perfect. I miss her already.
See You Next Week:
Unless I get my dang boat stuck in the freaking Suez Canal!