Uhhhhh….did you guys know Monday comes after Sunday now? Wish someone told me that before I went to bed thinking I had accomplished everything I needed to last weekend.
I’m determined to find a way to explain how this isn’t my fault.
The Week of: January 10th-17th
Results From Past Week: The Scorchiabank North Division continues to haunt your Calgary Flames, as the juggernaut Ottawa Senators racked up yet another win over our hometown jabrones. I can’t wait for the 2021 season to be over so we can go back to the old divisions and never worry about the Sens ever again.
Flames Overall Record: 17-11-6, 40 pts
Standings: 5th place in the Pacific Division, 9th in the Western Conference. Fucking Ottawa, man.
Soundtrack: Ebolarama - Every Time I Die
Thanks for the memories, gentlemen.
What We Liked:
Some byzantine combination of rigid health restrictions stemming from COVID-19, not caring about rigid health restrictions stemming from COVID-19, and the invisible hand of capitalism all worked in tandem this week to limit the free falling Calgary Flames to compete in just one game. I don’t think I could have endured a second.
What We Would Prefer Not To See:
All jokes about the powerhouse Senators aside, Matt Murray doing the thing he never does (stopping a lot of pucks) for one night only during a game where two rusty teams collided - each for the first time in quite a while - might not be the clearest indicator of where the Flames are at right now. Pretty brutal to pick the game against one of the weakest clubs in the league to direct less than 30 shots on net for the first time since Paul Martin was Prime Minister. That stat could also be used to illustrate what an anomaly this game was.
Still, good teams don’t lose to a bottom feeder shaking the cobwebs out of their attic. This team had the ability to pounce on a vulnerable team in this one, and it’s pretty frustrating that they were toothless all night.
The Flames need to figure out who they are, and fast, because the trade deadline is not as far over that horizon as it might appear, and the path they take getting there needs to become more clear pretty quick in regards to what they do on that day. This team needs some secondary scoring and a better blueline in a big way, but why shoot for that if it’s not going to be enough to secure a postseason berth anyway?
Either way, Nikita Zadorov needs to go. Gee whiz.
Enemy of the Week:
We didn’t get to do this a couple of weeks back, but time heals all wounds and plays out all suspensions. With that in mind, and with a rematch against the Florida Panthers hours away, I’m pleased to announce that the enemy of the week goes to The Coward Sam Bennett.
Thought you could weasel your way out of probably scoring two goals against your former team, did you? Not on my watch.
What Comes Next:
As mentioned, The Florida Panthers slink into Calgary, and that is TERRIFYING, which is still a weird concept to grapple with. We always knew the Panthers rebuild would end someday, but it’s still weird that we’re in their Cup Winning Window right now. Hockey in the Sunshine State. Who knew?
The weekend brings - finally - another crack at the rival Edmonton Oilers, and the way things are going, this one could be fast tracking a race to the bottom. Alberta teams are…sinking in oil sands? Trying to make a good geographic reference here that doesn’t involve Red Deer.
Crotch Smack of the Week:
Next time you want to take the Matthew or Brady Quiz, keep in mind that Matthew has the distinct advantage of whacking his brother in the dick in the middle of an NHL game and skates away without consequence. Powerful. Answer accordingly.
Unrelated Fact:
I live on Vancouver Island, and there is no shortage of otters on display around these shorelines. It kicks ass. They’re the aggressive asshole of the aquatic animal world, and they’re also really cute. Kind of a fun 1-2 punch to have, as far as animals go.
Despite my close proximity to otters, however, I didn’t know until this week that they just went apeshit over getting to eat ice. Check these little guys out!
See You Next Week:
The AHL offered a promotion on Saturday where all the games on their docket would be broadcast for free on their streaming service. Please let me know if you took advantage of this deal to watch a Stockton Heat game, or any other minor league matchup. I need this information to ostracize you with relentlessly.