ScorchStack's Playoff Bracket Extravaganza
Two lucky readers might win some pieces of papers. Now how does that sound.
Hello reader,
Your beloved Calgary Flames are not in the playoffs to stink it up and leave as soon as possible, but we all know that playoff hockey is an unmatched thrill that all can enjoy even without a rooting interest.
But having a team to cheer for just makes it so much better! Luckily, the Scorchstack is here to provide that for you. How nice of us.
Yes, we are running a bracket pool, and yes there are prizes. You can click here to make your entry. That’s it, that’s all you need to do.
First place will win a one-of-a-kind, poorly hand-drawn version of the Scorchstack logo. Think of it like an NFT (don’t ask me what that stands for), except it holds literally no value. It might look something like this:
Sample rendering, final product may not look like this
Second place will receive a valuable Scorchcoin. If you haven’t been paying attention, Scorchcoin is our very own cryptocurrency, which I believe is also some sort of NFT or something. Don’t ask me, but it is worth serious money someday eventually:
We are legally obligated to say that Scorchcoin is not worth any money, nor is it accepted anywhere as money. However, one day it might be.
I will also personally throw in some hockey cards for the winners. I have too many of them, and they are also worthless. But hey, you might have them for being the Scorchstack Playoff Bracket Extravaganza Champion.
The only to this is that there is no way NHL lets us track who made what entry, so if you could kindly put some identifying mark in your bracket name or email scorchstack@gmail.com with that info, whichever you’re comfortable with. We’ll contact you if you win to figure out how to get you your prizes.
If you are stuck on what teams to pick, Mike has prepared a helpful little guide to find your favourite team(s) in the NHL playoffs this year. Read it, won’t you?
Mike’s guide to bandwagoning for the 2021 NHL playoffs
By Mike (@mikepfeil_)
Our long national nightmare is over: The Flames aren’t a playoff team. A collective sigh of relief in knowing we don’t have to watch this team fumble through the first-round has been audibly made across much of Western Canada. This is the greatest-worst thing that could happen to a team that just shelled out millions to a bonafide starter and top-four defenseman this past summer.
It’s okay. We still all have to survive the summer in Alberta which will include wildfires, the rise of Nazis, anti-mask rallies, COVID, and the Flames likely doing something that annoys us. What a great place.
Now we get to attentively watch the organization try to pick up the pieces, point fingers (correctly or incorrectly), and have fans speculate about whose bags are about to be packed as the team tries to recalibrate again; whether Brad Treliving is involved with that recalibration is suspect at best, but it really feels like his time is over.
Everyone will have their thoughts on how to solve the corner the Flames have painted themselves into and it makes for easy content.
Die-hard fans will eat this shit up and stick by the team, shouting down any dissenting voices. Speculative fans will wait patiently to be let down. Cosmic brain fans will take to twitter spouting off asinine deals to mortgage the future for Jack Eichel only to hear about how the Flames’ deal just never came to fruition like everything else. Fourth-dimensional brain fans will finally accept that the only true freedom from being let down by this team is embracing the inevitable heat death of the universe.
I am firmly entrenched in the latter-most contingent of fans. Bring on heat death I need to be released from the mortal plane, but while we wait for the heat death of the universe here’s a guide to teams you can bandwagon during the post-season. A lot of guys on Twitter with national flags in their names or bios, whose bios mention they are fathers, or whose profile photo will have them with their dumb child in it will tell you “you’re not a real fan if you bandwagon!”
They might say other, more incredulous remarks about your hockey fandom but to them, I say I don’t fucking care about you or that you’re a “girl dad” - I’m going to bandwagon a hockey team until the NBA playoffs start.
Central Division, which features two teams in Florida, a team in the south, and a team in Tennessee which is basically the South. How is that central?
The Carolina Hurricanes are plucky, skilled, full of chutzpah, and from top to bottom are fun. Sure they do the Storm Surge, Elias Lindholm mocked it once, but surely this is the year. Besides the Flames, I’ve watched an abhorrent amount of the Canes this season. The broadcast is always hilarious and lighthearted; the players are having fun, and Rod Brind’Amour is a clear coach of the year candidate.
Bandwagoning with the Canes is just good vibes, great content, and they have an eclectic mix of talent.
For fans of this sport who enjoy: joy.
The Florida Panthers? They seem fun too and they acquired 43-year-old thrice-divorced Sam Bennett whose on-ice shooting percentage will eventually crater. They also have one of my favourite villains in hockey in Patric Hornqvist, who also happens to be one of the most underrated players of this era even if his impacts have dropped off.
They also are poised to either a) collapse mightily in the first round or attempt to recreate a run like in 1996. None of you were alive then but basically, they got murdered by the Colorado Avalanche and German hockey legend Uwe Krupp.
We get a Battle of Florida this year which is a hockey rivalry and not two Florida men fighting over a bottle of rubbing alcohol to chug in a CVS parking lot.
For fans who enjoy siphoning gas from a gas tank like Otto in the episode of the Simpsons’ “The PTA Disbands”.
The Nashville Predators’ uniforms look like the shade of my piss at Warped Tour after being dehydrated for hours waiting for Every Time I Die to start a circle pit. GM David Poile, who also starred in the X-Files as the Cigarette Smoking Man, held firm at the deadline and was rewarded with a first-round deathmatch against Carolina. He also has a knack for acquiring problematic players in his organization and pretending like they are reformed members of society.
I wish them nothing but the worst for their past transgressions but also because I want them to sell low on some players I would like to see as Flames.
For fans who enjoy Toby Keith.
Tampa? I have an incredible amount of respect for their abilities to circumvent the salary cap and prolong their competitive window. That’s really all that can be said about them.
The East Division, which by checking a map indicates they are in the East.
The Boston Bruins acquired Taylor Hall for next to nothing. Who the hell is Anders Bjork? I don’t know but he isn’t the former-league MVP. Hall said he is having the time of his life as a Bruin.
That fun time will be over if the team fails to go the distance, which will in turn trigger their local media to write absolutely disgusting things about the team. I’m confident we’ll see Joe Haggerty write an all-time take that is both vomit-inducing and diarrhea-inducing.
For fans who pronounce ‘potato’ as ‘b’tyahdah’ and have at least one DUI.
The New York Islanders renamed their affiliate, the Bridgeport Islanders after being called the Bridgeport Sound Tigers. I hope they burn for this crime. Maybe Leo Komarov does something that incenses a fanbase or a broadcaster? Lou forced Kyle Palmieri to shave his beard and he has four points in 17 games so far. Coincidence? I think not.
For fans who still whine about John Tavares but still secretly obsess about him.
The Pittsburgh Penguins somehow continue to be a playoff team. Sidney Crosby is alive and Evgeni Malkin hasn’t exploded yet. Does Kris Letang still have beautiful hair? What’s his haircare routine like? Somebody with press access find out and report back. Is Mark Jankowski finally a breakout sensation? Who knows but also, who cares?
I bandwagoned them for two years in the post-season and they won back-to-back cups. You’re welcome, city of Pittsburgh. Please send the Scorchies $40 each for my assistance in acquiring those back-to-back Cups.
For fans who like cheering for a team well-past their competitive window yet still have the capacity to maybe go on a run? Also they’re wearing those kidney-failure yellow jerseys at home so maybe don’t cheer for them.
The Washington Capitals have Tom Wilson, which means most sane people will find a reason to cheer for his death or a crippling injury to him. If you haven’t wished ill upon him at some point you’re lying to yourself. At the heart of every progressive hockey fan, such as myself, is someone who has wished ill upon Wilson or some sort of street justice on-ice. Just admit it so we can move on.
Anyone who looks deep into their souls, embraces the fact that the NHL’s Jeffrey Dahmer is allowed to commit atrocities for the hockey world to see while also trying to spin “he fosters dogs” as a way to offset the crimes is an unhinged acolyte of some perverse dark order.
For fans who would have fetishize the pinnacle of shit heels.
The North Division, which by NHL standards means “Canada”. Did you know Canada is a country in North America?
The Edmonton Oilers are a team from Edmonton. They continue chasing the history, cherished memories, and the same recycled stories they have told for years. They are obsessed with this kid named Connor and I have heard he is particularly good at hockey. Mike Smith is going to carry them all to victory and be rewarded with a contract they will regret. I wish them nothing but the worst in life, death, and their fans.
For fans who enjoy whining about every referee, every missed call, every injustice against Connor McDavid, and who likely have uttered Connor McDavid’s name during climax.
The Montreal Canadiens are a team from Quebec, which is one of Canada’s current greatest shames. This team lost 31 games but got a playoff spot which speaks volumes of how bad the division was this season. Suddenly Jesperi Kotkaniemi is on the hot seat and is being labeled a dud. Is he a dud? I haven’t a clue. I can barely spell his name but my autocorrect on my phone changes his name to Jesperi Cacanummy.
There is little doubt that any underwhelming performance by four-year-old Cole Caufield will result in completely rational discourse from their fans.
For fans who just hate themselves enough to believe the Habs are better than Toronto.
The Toronto Maple Leafs have David Rittich now and they also have local boy William Nylander. I like both of those guys. Twitter either expects them to go all the way (because most of Hockey Twitter are Leafs fans) or everyone is cheering for total ruin and disappointment because they are aspiring agents of chaos.
For Leaf fans.
The Winnipeg Jets are from Manitoba and I can’t think of a more forgettable franchise in the league right now than the Jets. I earnestly forget about them once a week and this is 100% honest. One time they made their fans the third star of the game and I can’t think of anything more pathetic.
For fans who still use dial-up internet to go on Twitter so about 90% of Manitoba.
The West Division which isn’t really ‘west’ so much as it’s a large swath of territory encompassing the west and midwest.
The Colorado Avalanche completely derailed the Flames in their best season since the cup run of ‘89. Everything was great and then the Avs ruined it which means by the laws of nature I must respect them. They have assembled one of the most intensely skilled rosters in some time, have a fantastic front office ran by my childhood hero Joe Sakic, and employ two of my friends.
My first jersey before I got a Flames one was an Avalanche jersey and the majority of the late ’90s during the latter stretch of the season (when the Flames were already eliminated by January), I would watch Avs games religiously. What I’m trying to say is: Go Avs.
For fans who appreciate well-run organizations with plans and wish their preferred team could emulate a meager percentage of the Avs’ resurgence.
The Minnesota Wild are exciting which is surprising because in their entire history no one would ever say that, ever. Up until this season, the most exciting moment in their history might have been winning a game that wasn’t 2-1.
For people who think adding salt and pepper to their food is seasoning.
The St. Louis Blues have Jordan Binnington, a goaltender I am confident I could beat up in a street fight. He’s about as tall as me and weighs very similarly. I think I could kick his ass.
For fans who want to storm the Capitol and likely think cops are heroes.
The Vegas Golden Knights are a team in Las Vegas. They have gold helmets and Mark Stone. I’ve been to Vegas once and I was drunk for five straight days, almost bought ecstasy from a guy outside a casino, and lived off Taco Bell Cantina most days while replacing my blood with gin.
For fans who enjoy: Mark Stone and gave up cheering for their preferred team years ago.
Mike’s very early playoff predictions:
Kirill the Thrill ends someone’s career. He was bred in a remote former-Soviet hockey lab with the intent to conquer, score goals, and end careers. He has done 2/3 this season and now it’s time he feasts on the still-warm corpse of a player past his prime on a grandiose stage.
Some sort of disaster, but the equivalent in terms of it being a hockey natural disaster? Maybe Corey Perry does something heinous or bleeds everywhere. He is the closest personification of one of the four horsemen of death, Pestilence.
One team is happy. Who? Leave that to the Evolving Wild twins, Dr. Micah Blake McCurdy, Professor Dom Luczsysnsyyynszzzzrnnn, and other math folks.