Did you all know that MacKenzie Weegar spells his name with a capital K right in the middle of that? Do you all remember Mackenzie MacEachern from a few years ago who also just disregarded all capitalization logic? E.E Cummings was onto something.
What’s inside?
The Calgary Wranglers have been announced and we debate what it would take for us to care about an AHL team that isn’t the mascot (Scorch or fuck off).
What if we took our metaphorical anchors and replaced them with literal wall anchors? Tibs explores how to build the ideal 4th line for the Flames using IKEA furniture
It’s almost cuffing season, and Jonathan Huberdeau and Brad Treliving had a cute first date at Brad’s Dad’s restaurant. But what did they order? Mike explores the only real options.
TRAINSTACK.
Since last issue
Oliver Kylington avoided arbitration with a nice little deal. We love to see it.
Andrew Mangiapane avoided arbitration with a nice little deal. We love to see it.
Martin Pospisil was not up for arbitration but signed a deal anyway. Sure.
Calgary Wranglers potential uniform ideas
Assless chaps or move on to another city, chumps
by ramz (@ramzreboot)
Calgary’s AHL team has been announced as the Calgary Wranglers. Kabir gave me a great idea:
Let’s brainstorm potential uniform ideas. If the Wranglers take any of these ideas they must credit Scorchstack.
The perfect fit
It’s all denim. Not sure what else you need to know, it’s pretty self-explanatory. I tried Googling “denim jersey” to see what would come up and the only thing I found was this denim jersey the Saskatoon Blades wore in 2010:
That jersey fucks so hard. Bring it back full time. Anyways, that but with the Wranglers logo, like this:
That with some denim hockey pants like this and you’re set for the clothes:
This would pair perfectly with cowboy boot skates, such as:
Lastly, we’ll need a cowboy hat, but need the safety of a helmet of course. Here’s this:
This is the outfit that makes sense, but I guess if they don’t want to go with this, I’ve got other options too.
Denim assless chaps
It’s denim assless chaps. Not sure what else you want to know about it.
5-inch inseam denim shorts
This fit but with the shorts even shorter:
Plaid jersey
Found this by Googling “plaid sports jersey”. This but in red.
Denim overalls
They can wear a plain regular boring jersey but have to wear denim overalls on top of it.
Just a jersey, no pants
Not cowboy themed but I want them to wear something slutty because all hockey players are sluts. Or like Lauren Jauregui during 5H concerts:
Heels included as well. I don’t care about the logistics.
Those are all the ideas I had. There are only so many cowboy-hockey-themed uniforms one can think of.
Ikea catalogue items that might be more useful than the Flames' fourth line
Scorchstack is a lifestyle brand and a hockey newsletter
by Tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
After signing Andrew Mangiapane and Oliver Kylington, the Flames have about $2.5M in cap space remaining. They probably could use another top-six forward, and those usually cost more than $2.5M. They currently have nearly $12.5M invested in their fourth line. This is a problem.
Is it their fault? Yes and no. Sean Monahan was absolutely a $6.375M player at one point, but that’s when he had two hips. They didn’t sign Milan Lucic’s contract, but they sure as shit did trade for it instead of taking the hit on James Neal dead money. I still don’t know what Kevin Rooney is, so maybe I’m not informed enough to judge whether giving him $1.3M per year was a good idea, but I do think it’s a bad one. Trevor Lewis is still here, which I forgot happened.
The solution is simple: replace the bottom-six anchors with Ikea furniture. I’ll let Brad TRADEliving figure out the details on getting rid of these contracts, but I’ve cut out some of the work and found replacements for him. I was originally going to suggest Swedish players that could fill those roles, but the first option that popped up was Loui Eriksson and I decided to go a different direction.
“It is simply ridiculous to suggest Ikea furniture can play hockey!” Fool! I’ve already prepared a balanced pros and cons list to absolutely demolish your argument.
Pros
Swedish
Ikea furniture is cheap, but also stylish and functional
A lamp or a desk has never played in the NHL before, we’re breaking barriers
You really only need to put out your fourth line for five minutes a night to get the top nine some rest. If you consider the logistics of trying to get a large, cumbersome piece of furniture out on the ice and in position, you can probably buy a few more minutes.
Cons
This shit can be difficult to put together
This smug dickhead laughs at me when I get frustrated. He is mocking me.
Doesn’t come with the meatballs or hot dogs.
Anyways, after spending hours browsing the Ikea catalogue, here are my picks for your 2022-23 Calgary Flames fourth line:
MARKUS- $229.00
Strengths:
Wheels offer more speed and mobility than any fourth liner
A human name will likely not raise suspicion on the gamesheet. Will the NHL check if every Markus in the NHL is a chair? Seems unfair.
Soft padding ideal for shot blocking
Weaknesses:
Not very tall, despite being taller than most Ikea chairs
Back fabric likely to rip if puck fired hard enough
No one knows what the adjustment levers do
FÄRSKHET- $1,399.99
Strengths:
Is literally a fridge
Capable of taking a beating, and comes with a five-year warranty
Could contain healthy snacks for when teammates get tired
Great size, knows how to jam passing lanes
Weaknesses:
Absolutely immobile
Needs to be plugged in
No faceoff skills
POKAL- $6.99/6 pack
Strengths:
Strength in numbers. We could buy a whole pallet of these and fill so much space on the ice
Perfect five-star rating on the Ikea website
Any player who breaks one of the glasses could be assessed an intent to injure penalty, giving the Flames theoretically unlimited numbers of five-minute powerplays
Weaknesses:
Injury risk for everyone involved
Can only hold nine ounces of liquid
We will probably run through a lot of POKALs by season’s end, likely not as cost-effective as we think
Really pushing the boundaries of what we can consider “furniture.”
KNORRIG- $9.99
Strengths:
Is Knorrig
Knorrig
Knorrig
Weaknesses:
?
Anyways, hope Brad Treliving sees this article and the vision it presents for the future of hockey. Hit my line, Brad.
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What did Jonathan Huberdeau eat at dinner with Brad Treliving?
Brad took Jonny Hockey to Boston Pizza. Let's find out what the two ate on their date.
by Mike (@mikeFAIL)
Everyone knows that when Brad Treliving is trying to build a capable and threatening Stanley Cup contender in the Calgary Flames that he’s also working a part-time job at Boston Pizza.
After all his dad, Jim Treliving, owns the whole company and it makes sense to learn business if he ever wants to take over. Given Brad’s proximity to Boston Pizza, it also makes perfect sense he would take newly acquired Jonathan Huberdeau there for an intimate one-on-one dinner to get to know the guy.
Scorchstack is also confident that Brad used not one but two of his upcoming shift meals to cover both his and Jonathan’s meals at this Boston Pizza Date Summit. The main question is what did Huberdeau eat while dining out with his new boss? Scorchstack has the answer.
But first, let’s review what he didn’t eat and the reasons behind it.
Jumbalaya Fettucini
I’ve seen my roommate stroll into a Boston Pizza with a voracious appetite and confidence that would make that most buckle at their knees in fear only to succumb to the giant seafood pasta experience that is BP’s Jumbalaya Fettucini. The fact that Jim Treliving and his innovation team came up with “southern classic, but it’s Italian” is a masterpiece in its own right but this would be too heavy for Jonathan to eat while meeting Brad in person for the first time.
If he somehow ate this, he would have three days’ worth of leftovers. Again: I know this because on a semi-regular occasion there is leftover BP’s Jumbalaya Fettucini in our fridge.
Spicy Perogi Pizza
There are foods on this planet that just make sense. The first time I had this pizza I declared to my friends and family in attendance at that historic moment in young Mike’s life: “cater my funeral with this so no one goes home sad.” Things of this nature might make sense, but not for business-casual meetings that are also dates. Plus it is a bit spicy and there is no guarantee that Jonathan has ever eaten an onion in his life, and the pizza is covered in onion.
Larger question: do people from Quebec like onions? Do they like the oignon?
The Boston Brute
My dad used to eat this every time we’d pop into a BPs when I was a kid. Back in the day, this sandwich was much more substantial in size relative to its cheap price point. Then inflation hit, the sandwich got smaller, and capitalism won; the shrunken, pathetic, excuse of a sandwich is the equivalent to a frozen, microwavable sandwich you’d find in your frozen foods aisle at Save On.
Even with an appetizer, Jonathan wouldn’t settle for something so meager. This is the kind of meal someone like - I don’t know - Matthew Tkachuk would eat because he’s a rat and rats love sad meals.
A Collection Of Appetizers
This is the runner-up pick for Jonathan Huberdeau’s meal at Boston Pizza. Why? Because he’s spent the last decade-plus in Florida, where food is good and he’s likely not stepped foot in a Boston Pizza in well over a decade; probably since his days in junior hockey.
So it makes sense to sample the lay of the land and order a collection of shareables that you can also offer to your boss. This promotes a healthy interaction and engagement of the meal — you get a sense for what a person likes and may not like. It’s a date after all so maybe there’s that cute moment when two people’s hands touch reaching for the last slice of Bandera Pizza Bread and it’s awkward for a moment.
Lasagna
Jonathan Huberdeau knows how to make lasagna. I know this because I willingly went to a Bardown article where they documented everything in a video of what is the best food NHLers can make. Sure, I could have watched the video but then I would have had to hear Connor McDavid state “nothing” thus proving he has no actual life skills beyond breathing.
Huberdeau knowing how to make it means he enjoys it, which means he has ample practice in the Italian Dark Arts, which means he’ll likely want to review the lasagna for his secret lasagna reviews blog, and that means he’s ordering that bad boy for dinner.
Plus we haven’t even gotten to the part where potential-linemate Andrew Mangiapane (who is Italian) would likely be impressed that Huberdeau picked a nice lasagna that would put most nonna’s pasta works to shame.
The lasagna at Boston Pizza is usually pretty amazing, even at a bad Boston Pizza. I know this because the first time I ate at a Boston Pizza in Edmonton, it was the Whyte Ave location; and I had a lasagna there. The restaurant itself sucked — my friends found a curly hair in their food. My lasagna that I ordered: pube-free.
Did he enjoy it? That’s up to the local scribes to press and find out. Scorchstack reached out for comment to Allan Walsh, Jonathan’s agent, but Walsh could not be reached for comment due to picking a fight with another general manager over a player’s playing time for the upcoming season.
Finally: Which Boston Pizza did they eat at?
Simple: 7733 Taschereau Blvd, Brossard, Quebec
Why? Brad Treliving only goes to four-star or greater places.
When Scorchstacked dug deeper, working with local sources, and searching the internet for more information about the dinner we discovered a bombshell: a review from Huberdeau’s lasagna reviews account on Google:
There you have it: he had five-star experience and that likely means a nice eight-year contract extension coming up. Let’s hope Brad takes MacKenzie Weegar to the same Boston Pizza to secure his contract extension in the near future.
TRAINSTACK
That's right, this is your summer train content
by Konnie (@konnie49)
Welcome everyone officially to August. Since this is the most boring month of the year and usually devoid of any major hockey content (though the Flames have decided to do some tidy work the last two days), what better time to introduce to the Scorchstack audience with some #RealContent.
That’s right, it is finally time for some Trainstack.
So what is Trainstack, you might ask? Well, my friend, it is your source for all opinions on anything to do with the no doubt best method of transit, the humble train. Planes have become so incredibly unreliable and very prone to losing your luggage (not to mention the absurd prices a single plane ticket costs), and driving is so costly with gas prices being astronomical that you cannot drive anywhere without it costing an entire factory of arms and legs.
Yet, with trains, you are able to get to wherever you need to go in a reasonable time, and it won’t require you to take a mortgage to actually use the service. Plus, since you are not forced to be focused on the road at all times as you would be driving, it is by far the best mode of transportation for actually enjoying the scenery around you.
SO WHY IS THIS CITY’S TRAIN INFRASTRUCTURE SO FUCKED?
In almost every other major city in this country, the train infrastructure is set up so that not only can you get around town in an orderly fashion, but you are able to take a train to travel between different cities. Toronto has the Go Train and a giant heap of options that you can take anywhere in the GTA and beyond. Vancouver has a similar setup with the West Coast Express (I will never forgive Vancouver for not having the WCE go all the way to Abbotsford). Hell, if we even expand our criteria further, these cities as well as Edmonton, Winnipeg, and Montreal, all are connected through Via Rail. (ed. note: Via Rail is bad though. They are connected though. But Via Rail is bad)
It is just our collective luck that Calgary has to be the only major city in Canada that does not have this service and frankly, that is a disservice to Scorchstack directly. Not only would we be able to experience the beautiful scenery that is the Rocky Mountains, but we would be able to depart from some of the most gorgeous architecture that this world has ever seen.
Take Vancouver’s Pacific Central Station for example.
No way you can tell me that you don’t want to immediately walk into the station and purchase a ticket right then and there. This is what those Via Rail bastards took from us. (ed. note: Not to keep ripping on Via Rail, but this station is on my shit list for implying online that you could stay overnight, and then when I tried to do that once, they kicked us out at 11 p.m. before our 6 a.m. train, so we did the only thing we thought to do on such short notice and camped out all night in a Denny’s. Shout out to our server Angela who was better to us than we deserved and let us take up two full booths with our luggage, as long as we didn’t make a fuss that she commandeered the Denny’s jukebox to blast her country hits all night long. Damn you to hell Via Rail.)
Now, it’s not entirely doom and gloom for Calgary to finally get some more train action. With the Green Line FINALLY starting construction (2027 cannot come fast enough), the city will start to finally look more and more like an actual large city with proper train lines heading to the southeast and north central areas of the city. Due to rich NIMBYs unknown reasons, its taken the city almost 10 years to get to the point where shovels are in the ground but it is better late than never. After the Green Line is open, hopefully the city will finally see just how important it is to have the train line actually go all the way to the airport.
However, what about actual distance trains? Ones that potentially go outside the city and to places like Edmonton or even into the Mountains? Guess what, I have something to show you…
Isn’t it beautiful?
Yes folks, that is a render from Liricon Capital Inc., a private organization that is looking to build a train line from Calgary that goes directly to Banff, intended for public use. My first reaction to the news was pretty much what you would expect in that I almost got fired from my job due to how loud my chants were.
While you would like to see much bigger projects take hold, we will have to take what we can get with this city and a train line such as this is a really good first step. The only thing now for the project to take hold is for the train line to get approval from Parks Canada and the Provincial Government (as well as assurance that this project will be entirely funded by the private group and will not use public money, of course).
If all goes well, we might finally be seeing the rise of proper train transportation in this city, and frankly, this province. Too long have we been suffering from the lack of proper train transportation and I, for one, am absolutely sick of it. Let this piece be the rallying call that brings all of the train enthusiasts in this city to show that we want trains and train lines and we want more of them.
(To any potential investors in railway construction, please feel free to reach out to Scorchstack on my proposal of KonRail™, a bullet train line that stretches from Seattle to Edmonton, going through Vancouver and Calgary. Work in progress)
Up Next Week
We sample Jonathan Huberdeau’s forbidden lasagna.
Adam Ružička continues to wait in Brad Treliving’s office, knowing he’ll be right back like he said he would to sign that contract. Any second now.
Did you all know that Pepsi was originally called Brad’s Drink? Let us know if you think of a good bit with that and Treliving, we’re on summer mode.