Scorchstack Issue #95 - The devil works hard but Flames PR works harder
Yes the emergency issue counts as a regular one why do you ask
He gave us so much. We knew his time in Calgary was up, but that didn’t take the sting of it away any less. We are happy to see the king get paid, and even happier it wasn’t on Calgary’s payroll. The meter lives on in our hearts.
What’s inside?
Tibs has the hard truth for some of you - it is time to embrace the rebuild. How do the Flames go about doing that?
We spoke with Ranch, our Ohio correspondent to learn what Ohio was like for other people who moved from Calgary.
Ramz fondly recalls all her top Johnny Gaudreau memories. Fun little preview of this article - words found in the piece include “his first game”, ““goals””, “titty”, and “this was my personal 9/11.” Read on, dear readers!
Since last issue
Scorchstack #94 was brief, but you know what they say: “Brevity is soul of wit. For instance, in just three short words, I can tell you the most important thing you’ll ever hear: Subscribe to Scorchstack.” - William Shakespeare.
The Flames have signed seven guys named Chungo. Congrats to the Chungos of the world!
A lot of people took it personally that Gaudreau signed with Columbus during Stampede which is extremely funny.
Francis Ericsson keeps parading around the office with a printed-out version of “The Kentucky Derby Is Decadent and Depraved” by Hunter S. Thompson, calling it the “Stanley Cup of Sportswriting” which we’ve never heard of but he insists that Horse Racing Federation said so and they’re never wrong.
The Scorchstack guide to rebuilding
Welp!
by Tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
Hello, reader. You have certainly heard the news by now, but the Flames are 100% not going to repeat their highs of last year and they’ll probably stink in 2022-23.
Many are saying this is rebuild time, though anecdotally they’ve been calling for one for a while now (some people were saying it in the middle of a three-game losing streak after the entire team had COVID and they briefly fell out of a playoff spot despite having 10 games in hand), but they’re probably right this time. The Flames aren’t going anywhere, especially with a potential Vegas bounceback, McDavid and Draisaitl up the road, and Colorado opening the window on a potential dynasty. Now’s the time to wait for those teams to hit the skids and build a faster, younger, more skilled team when they’re no longer duking it out for contention.
Also anecdotally, a lot of people started really only paying attention to the team in 2014-15 when they won everyone’s hearts over and looked promising for the first time in a long time. I’m not going to gatekeep, we welcome everyone with open arms, but as a Great Rebuild Survivor, it’s my duty to inform you about what a rebuild is like. A lot of people think it’s just a year or so of being bad and then everything is back to normal.
Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Rebuilds fucking suck big time, and they fucking suck for everyone
I’m not sure what most people think a rebuild is, but by reading the discourse, it is an easy three-step plan:
Get a lot of draft picks
Suck as bad as you can so that your draft picks are as high as possible
Immediately win with all of your young players on cheap contracts.
Boom! Done, baby.
Except sucking as bad as you can is actually a painful experience. That’s 82 games of watching a bad team. We joke about the “why do I cheer for this team” pain when the Flames lose 3-2 after being up 2-0 in the third period, but there is truly no “why do I cheer for this team” pain like the type that hits when you find yourself watching a meaningless fart of a 4-1 loss where the Flames were 2-7-1 heading into the contest. You’re going to miss Johnny Gaudreau and (maybe) Matthew Tkachuk, but you’re really going to miss them when the jamokes filling their lineup spots are nowhere near as entertaining or endearing, and also they are the best players on the team somehow.
A rebuild means signing yourself up for watching those losers night after night. Your dreams of a young, rough-around-the-edges roster giving it their all while learning on the job? Forget them, you get one or two promising guys, a slate of guys between 23 and 26 years old who are on the verge of washing out of the league entirely but get a roster spot because one scout liked what they saw in junior, and a bunch of lousy vets who are here to provide leadership. It’s the flat cap, eight years of team control league, baby. You can’t risk these players being good and getting paid before you’re ready to win, let them ripen and maybe one day you’ll get all of them on cap-conscious contracts.
“I’ll simply enjoy the rare wins and also enjoy the losses for their impact on the draft” you don’t. Your brain does not allow that to happen. Sports are about winning: it rocks to see your team win, and it sucks to see them lose. Wins never feel meaningful because you know the inflection point is somewhere further in the future. Losses can never be meaningful, especially when there are 50 of them in a season. What’s the point of paying attention to how a recent AHL callup’s doing when there’s a significant chance he gets cut when the team finds a player just slightly better than them? You are tuning in out of duty and not to learn anything. True sicko shit.
For a second here, let’s think about the remaining players. Now, fan logic says that all of these guys should be sold off for as much value as possible, but a whole lot of them did not sign their contracts expecting a rebuild to happen in 2022. Chris Tanev and Mikael Backlund likely thought they were signing their last contracts in Calgary. Guess what boys, pack it up and reconsider your retirement plans. Pour some out for Backlund who has only ever known Calgary and is raising a family here, time to uproot everything because we need a second, a third, and a B-level prospect. Jacob Markström just entered Vézina form after a shaky first season, and now he’s going to have to do it again in a new place. Rasmus Andersson definitely took lower than he was worth to give the Flames some flexibility and now it turns out that was a silly way to set anywhere from $10-12M on fire. There’s a human impact here too that is scant considered and we should at least acknowledge that a bunch of players took below market value to win having never considered that their MVP would take a $15M cut to move to Ohio, and now their options are to uproot everything and go Cup chasing (likely filing multiple changes of address notice) or to stick around in misery while no one’s actually watching.
And it’s not just seven months out of one particularly lousy year, these can take time. Flames fans are relatively spoiled given how long the last “rebuild” took. If you take Jarome Iginla’s departure as the point where the rebuild started and the Flames beating the Canucks as the point where the rebuild ended, you have however many days it was between Trade Deadline 2013 and the second round of the 2015 playoffs. That was the last rebuild, a year and change. Most of them take much, much longer. The Sens are just emerging from one (fingers crossed for our Sens friends, but just a quick reminder that they still have to prove that they’re out of the woods) five years removed from falling just short in the Eastern Conference finals. The Leafs took four years after It Was 4-1 to get back in the playoffs and they still haven’t won a round. If you want to be a stickler, they were rebuilding since the 2005-06 season and the 2013 playoff appearance was a lockout season fluke. That’s over a decade.
Old timers are probably not exaggerating when they talk about how bad the Young Guns era was, the attendance record shows. There’s still not a whole lot of other things to do in Calgary now, but imagine what else there was to do in the 1990s. You could either go to a Flames game or unironically be Deaner and Terry from Fubar. Most chose Deaner and Terry rather than watch the Flames. If you count that rebuild as being between playoff appearances, that’s 1995-2004. That’s a long time to suck.
It is never guaranteed to work, and the odds are still mostly against you.
Hey, let’s remember some guys. Remember how good Sam Bennett was supposed to be? How about Sven Bärtschi? Remember when Jon Gillies was the goaltender of the future? How about lockdown second pair defenceman Tyler Wotherspoon? Middle six centres of the future Max Reinhart and Markus Granlund? Mark Jankowski, even if you accepted him as a decent bottom-sixer and not the first-liner as promised????
People acknowledge that the draft is a crapshoot, but also claim that the draft is the best possible way to build a team. I don’t know if these people are also buying scratch-offs as retirement planning, but following their logic, I suppose they must.
Rebuilds are always touted as the quick solution to what ails ye, but no one ever wants to acknowledge that you could also be the Buffalo Sabres if things don’t break your way. The Flames were not only very lucky that Gaudreau fell to the fourth round, but that he was also as good as he was and got better every year. They were also really lucky when Matthew Tkachuk fell to them at sixth overall after the Canucks went for Olli Juolevi, because they very well could’ve drafted Alexander Nylander and still been grinding away at the ninth seed for eternity.
The draft contains a whole lot of unknowability, given that you’re projecting a player’s potential 10+ year career based on two seasons of major-junior (sometimes less!) hockey. Even if everyone agrees with your pick, you could walk away with nothing because some guys just don’t have that dawg in them. Could just be that their arm broke once and they were never the same. Maybe you draft a stud third-rounder and he decides he just doesn’t want to play for your team no matter what and everyone knows it and doesn’t want to give you a good deal for him. Oops, better luck next time.
A thing you have to consider is that you can make a normal or less-than-normal number of mistakes compared to the other GMs and you will still get nowhere in a rebuild.
The discourse gets much, much stupider
Sports unite us in our love and passion for them. They also unite us in arguing about dumb, pedantic things. There’s not a whole lot to love during rebuilds, so guess what we’re doing.
During a rebuild, everyone’s a prospect pervert and/or an armchair GM, but only 10% of people actually take the time to form nuanced opinions worth talking about. When you’re winning, every prospect is a throw-in for a trade; when you’re losing, they’re all future second-liners. You will never get more acquainted with what the AHL centers are doing, and you’ll never be insulted more harshly when you don’t think Markus Fuck, fifth-round pick, isn’t destined for the second line. Every positive stride is proof that you were right, and you actually foresaw it when something negative happened because of your big smart brain. Why aren’t you the GM again?
Revisionist history lives and breathes during the rebuild. We’re seeing it now with the once-beloved Gaudreau, where the boring truth (it made no sense to trade him before a season where the Flames had their best shot at producing in this window, and management wasn’t wrong to believe they had a very strong chance of keeping him) gets pushed aside for much dumber theories (they should’ve traded him and ended the window prematurely anyways even after a lacklustre season, some guy once said that the Flames could’ve 8x8’d him in 2021 even though that does not make any sense from Gaudreau’s perspective at all). Everything’s up for litigation now that you don’t feel the need to defend/galaxy brain the GM’s moves anymore, and context gets thrown straight out the window.
Even when there are less interesting things to argue about, sports people will continue doing so - it’s in our nature. Everything could’ve been different if they signed this contract instead of that one. They could’ve used this pick and made this trade, and a whole bunch of What If navel-gazing that somehow could’ve only resulted in the team taking the one path that led them to the promised land, even though none of it matters anymore.
If your brain wasn’t already melted because of people discussing the Calgary Flames Left Handed Defenceman Mount Rushmore, I have bad news for you.
It does kind of kick ass though
Sometimes you can get a ticket for $7 and move down to the second bowl immediately. Plenty of shit on the clearance rack too.
We spoke to someone who moved from Calgary to Ohio to see what it was like
This is about Johnny Gaudreau but if you think about it this also applies to Erik Paidbranson
by Nathan (@hanoten)
A lot of ink has been spilled about Johnny Gaudreau’s decision to move closer to family and turn the Columbus Blue Jackets into the belle of the ball for free agency. We here at Scorchstack truly do respect that decision and wish him well. It is wild to see just how many truly jilted Flames fans are taking this decision way too personally, and we wish all their future lovers an easier exit strategy.
However, there is one thing that is bothering me about the whole thing, and it’s the Ohio of it all. In the same way that I choose to cognitively dissociate Calgary from the rest of Alberta, I have nothing against Columbus except for being in Ohio. Ohio, from what I can tell, sucks ass. My younger sibling lived there for five years while they went to school, and the most we talk about it is sharing Ohio memes back and forth. None of these memes are flatting to Ohio.
You get the gist.
So I called them up this weekend to talk about Ohio, as someone who had left Calgary and made a large life commitment to be in Ohio. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
The Scorchstack: Thanks for taking the time to chat today. How would you describe living in Ohio?
Rachel ‘Ranch’ Ross: It was…..a fever dream.
TS: Can you elaborate?
RRR: A fever dream full of corn. And right-wing nutjobs. I guess there is a certain charm about it, in rural Ohio at least.
TS: We’re going to ask this again at the end of the interview, but to start, how would you rate living in Ohio from a scale of 1-10?
RRR: On one hand, I could give it a three, and on the other hand I could give it a seven. Depends on the day, the politics, and the weather.
TS: What was the best part about Ohio?
RRR: It’s really, really flat, so I could ride my bike everywhere. Also, there are fireflies there and I had never actually seen one until moving there. I had never thought about it until I was there for a summer program, and I saw one and I was like holy fuck.
There was also really good Mexican food, especially compared to Canada. I mean, it’s Ohio, but it was a perk.
TS: What was the worst part?
RRR: Living there in 2016 and during the election. Outside of my little Liberal college bubble meant being harassed with Trump signs everywhere. A motorcycle gang came and threatened a bunch of students. Actually, you know what, the racism is actually the worst part. Also, I guess to some, how flat it is.
TS: You touched on this briefly, but what was the food like?
RRR: That’s hard to describe. The beef could not compare to good old Alberta beef, real disappointment there. Overall though, there were a bunch of locally-owned restaurants that really put a major focus on eating local. When I journeyed into Cleveland, there were a ton of great restaurants. Surprisingly, it’s a real underrated foodie scene.
TS: I also recall you praising the Domino’s when you lived there.
RRR: The Domino’s pizza specifically where I lived was unreal. I can’t even put my finger on it. There was just a general consensus among all of us. It might have just been that every other Domino’s was so bad that by this one being good, it was outstanding.
TS: Switching directions here, I have brought up the US News official rankings for all 50 states in America. It measures each state based on things like healthcare, economy, opportunity, education, etc. Out of the 50 states, where do you think Ohio ranks overall?
RRR: Hmmm…..I would say 37th overall.
TS: That is an incredible guess, because it is 36th.
RRR: That is how in tune with Ohio I truly am.
TS: Which categories do you think Ohio ranks the highest and lowest in?
RRR: Opportunity probably rates at the top of Ohio. I think my opinion is swayed because I keep seeing all the stuff online about how expensive living in California is, and now there are a bunch of billboards there saying “Cost of living too high? Move to Ohio!”
Lowest is a gamble, because every other category could take the cake. I would guess…education must be low? It’s tough, because I lived in the poorest county in Ohio. But I think that sways me, so I don’t want to say economy. You know, there are some beautiful parts of Ohio, so I won’t say natural environment. I don’t know, could be crime, healthcare, or fiscal stability.
TS: You were doing so well with the guessing, but Ohio ranks 44th for Natural Environment, making it their lowest ranking.
RRR: Damn. I must be biased, because I saw the two beautiful spots in Ohio. I guess if you compare it to literally anywhere else in the West, that makes sense.
TS: You were right about opportunity though. Apparently, it’s ranked the sixth best state, which is clearly the fact they used to lure the Gaudreaus. If we break it down further, it ranks as the best state for affordability, although only 37th for economic opportunity.
RRR: Ohio being the most affordable makes a ton of sense. When I think of my personal experience, when I rented, I had a whole first floor of a three-bedroom house and the whole thing cost $975 all in. It was a historically protected building too.
On the other hand, the only jobs in Ohio were working in restaurants or at the Wal-Mart, but you can make a living doing that there. Oh, also the beer was so cheap. Only like $4. I miss that.
TS: You can also make a living there playing professional hockey.
RRR: Oh fuck, yeah, add that to the list too.
TS: Do you think it makes sense for the Gaudreaus to move to Ohio?
RRR: I think it’s hilarious because why would anyone willingly move to Ohio. I can say that because I did it.
TS: And finally, after taking the time to chat about all of this, going back to the 1-10 scale for rating Ohio, where does it rate now?
RRR: Thinking about it, I have to get rid of the seven option. But I will bump up my original three to a four.
Thank you to the Scorchstack’s Ohio correspondent Ranch for taking the time to chat with Scorchstack.
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Thank you Johnny for paying for the premium version for so many years. You will be missed.
My favourite Johnny Gaudreau moments
RIP
by Ramz (@ramzreboot)
Goodbye Mr. Hockey. Here are some of my favourite Johnny Gaudreau moments from his career here.
Tried depositing $75K in an ATM
I can’t remember the specific details, but it was something about after Gaudreau played his first game with the Flames at the end of the 2013-14 season, he went back home and went out partying. Kevin Hayes was there too I guess. He had a cheque from the Flames for $75,000 for that game played and tried depositing it in an ATM at the club. Kevin Hayes was like, “You can’t do that.”
I love having zero concept of how money works too so I relate to this.
“He said they’re from Pac-Sun!”
One time Jane Gaudreau posted a photo of the family. Johnny Gaudreau was wearing some unique pants. I responded jokingly saying, “What are those Pant.” Jane sent me a message saying, “He said they’re from Pac-Sun!”
I love that she got this reply, felt it was an earnest ask of wondering where those pants were from, and said to Johnny, “Hey, someone on Twitter is asking what are those pant!”
Sucked a titty at Stampede
Again, I’m a little hazy on the details on this as all the evidence of this has been removed. Flames PR is always quick on their game to remove all evidence of Fun. Remember when Mikael Backlund made a pro-Bernie Tweet and deleted within minutes? You can blame that on Flames PR.
Anyways, there was a Tweet once that said they saw Johnny Gaudreau sucking a titty at Stampede. Just sucking a titty out in the open. I choose to believe this, you can either choose to believe it as well or be on the wrong side of history. There was also a rumour he got a BJ in a porta potty at Stampede which I will also choose to believe.
Got drunk with Matthew Tkachuk in Mexico and live-streamed it
A few years ago during Bye Week in the NHL, Gaudreau and his good friend Matthew Tkachuk decided to go to Mexico. They got very drunk and live-streamed themselves on Instagram at the bar having a great time and yelling things like, “Go Flames go!” There is now, again, ZERO evidence of his ever happening. I cannot find a single thing I have scoured everywhere, all I have are the screenshots I took in the moment. The devil works hard but Flames PR works harder.
It really was a “You had to be there” since there is no evidence of this. Everyone remembers where they were when they got the notification of Gaudreau and Tkachuk live-streaming. This was my 9/11.
I remember on my old account I made a Tweet about this a couple years ago and like, NOBODY knew what I was talking about. It really is a shame, I wish everyone could see this moment. It’s forever engrained in my memory.
Those are my fav moments. What, you thought I was going to mention “goals” or something? Get real.
Up Next Week
We pull a Players’ Tribune and have someone else ghostwrite the whole issue.
Marinerstack? Okotoksdawgstack? The kickball team that Nathan and Konnie are on stack? The possibilities are endless. (We will not be doing wrestlingstack, out of respect for our friends at Wrestling Brain.)
We speak with our Missouri correspondent to figure out what it’s like to move to St. Louis after living in Calg- just kidding, we’ll be dead in the cold, cold ground before we recognize Missouri.