ScorchStack Issue #87 - You REALLY need to see this, it will change your entire opinion of the city.
This week's Scorchstack is brought to you by videos of Edmonton and its residents
A friendly reminder:
The duality of Scorch: Floob discusses five actually good things about the city of Edmonton while Mike, a resident of the city, offers a different perspective
Did you think that because it’s Battle of Alberta that Ramz was going to rehash why Johnny Gaudreau is better than Connor McDavid? Been there, done that, Scorchstack brings you stuff first. Which is why she’s moved on to why Brady Tkachuk is better than Edmonton Oilers fans.
After nearly getting goalied in Round 1, Nathan examines the career of Mike Smith to see what we can learn about him before tonight’s matchup.
Since last issue
Your Calgary Flames won a Game 7 in the first round in overtime.
ScorchStack Issue #86 was dropped, all about Victory Crisps. And then afterward, even more Victory Crisps were had. Victory Crisps.
The Big Monday thing went to The Red Mile on Sunday night after the overtime win and had such a good time that it took Monday off.
On that note, The Red Mile properly returned and it was both extremely fun and also people were not being shitty? Incredible improvement over 2015, keep it up, everyone.
Johnny Gaudreau put his name forward to become this year’s Eliminator. Put some respect on his name.
Your Calgary Flames won a Game 7 in the first round in overtime.
Begrudgingly, here are five cool things about Edmonton
Out of six total!
by Floob (@itlooksreal)
Everyone that knows me will tell you that while I’m jarringly handsome, the life of the party, and excessively astute, I do happen to be a touch superstitious. Likely because I’m also burdened with the grace of a lion and the wisdom of an owl, it’s why I can’t go full barbarian mode when it comes to taking jabs at the Edmonton Oilers ahead of the first postseason Battle of Alberta since Don Getty was Premier.
Call it fate, call it kismet; the fact of the matter is that if we spent this entire issue besmirching the pride of the worst thing you see north of Red Deer, your Calgary Flames would surely lose this upcoming series. It’s a consequence baked in when you’re not being mannerly.
So, and I must stress enough that I am doing this to help the Flames, I’m going to take this time to showcase some of the splendour available to you in the Capital City of the north.
I love to eat. I live for being presented with a plate adorned with a delectable meal and using the supplied utensils to savour and consume it. Just a classic experience.
In Edmonton, it seems like eating food is similarly a popular endeavour, based on the burgeoning culinary scene that the city is more and more known for. Check out the video below that showcases the best of the best in the capital’s chefs. I can’t stress enough how necessary this video is. Please watch it.
West Edmonton Mall
Sure, a large monolith charged with housing every capitalist sentiment known to man tucked away on the outskirts of the city might not be the most deserving honouree here, but think of it this way: have you ever needed to check out a Foot Locker?
It’s a shopping mall. It’s a hotel. It’s a destination. The country’s largest retail centre has been standing tall for 41 years, and that’s worth celebrating. Check out this well-produced video commissioned by the mall itself extolling its virtues. If you’re not sold on the mall as a net positive, this might change your mind.
Oodles of Sunshine
Okay, okay, I know this is one of the benefits of living in Calgary as well, but there’s just something to say about the endless amount of summer daylight that Edmonton boasts. There is something to be said about Vitamin D by the bucketload, and you just don’t experience it the way you do in E-Town. They call Edmonton the City of Champions, but as this in-depth exposé details, they should call it the City of Sunshine. You REALLY need to see this, it will change your entire opinion of the city.
The Battle of Alberta already lays claim to being a spectacle on the grandest stage, but it can only last for two weeks at most, and what are you going to immerse yourself in when it’s over?
In Edmonton, the answer is whatever you want. With over 50 annual jubilees for you to take in, if it has even a shred of cultural value, you will find it here. Watch this demo reel of the best of the best of the Edmonton festival scene.
The River Valley
Talk about a room with a view!
The North Saskatchewan River Valley is an endless expanse of green space and waterways, and it’s pretty easy on the eyes too.
The River Valley needs to be experienced in person to fall in love with it, but this promotional video comes pretty close. I cannot stress to you how much you need to see it to understand how important it is.
I think that’s just a big enough slice of karma to ensure that an ocean’s worth of smack talk over the next eight to 14 days won’t completely blow up in Calgary’s face. You have to respect your opponent before you can vanquish it, and hopefully, we helped the Flames fanbase do just that.
Oilers fans sure do have it nice!
Everything wrong with Edmonton
by Mike (@mikeFAIL)
I live here and as Scorchstack is a land of contrasts, I have been tasked with framing why this city sucks.
The local sports team fans
The Edmonton Oilers are constantly in conflict with modernity and their cocaine-addled dynasty that fans who weren’t even conceived yet seem to believe they had a part in. No one cares what they did in the 1980s because it’s 2022 and time moves forward, even if an entire fan base is still obsessed with things from a bygone era.
If there is one thing that this city does well, for the wrong reasons, it’s the association fans make when using “we” to describe things the Oilers do. You didn’t do anything besides exist, poorly. They failed miserably for a decade-plus falling ass-backwards into talent that constantly gives off the belief they will leave if this team fails to do anything.
Here is a brief list of incidents I’ve been a part of, which I didn’t initiate that have resulted in me wishing nothing less than the physical representation of depression and misery upon these degenerates:
Encountered a guy in a pub - who would later end up being a coworker - threaten to stab me for being a Flames fan.
A random woman my mother’s age I sat next to during the Flames-Oilers Halloween Game told me she hoped I died in traffic all because Michael Frolik scored a game-winning goal with less than a minute left.
A guy pulled his truck over and proceeded to follow me several blocks towards my house in an effort to intimidate me or worse.
A guy tried to fight my then-alive dad at a Battle of Alberta for celebrating Sean Monahan and Mikael Backlund scoring. My dad would have kicked his ass.
When St. Albert renamed their local arena after Jarome Iginla and I brought my giant Iggy head to get signed, a man my dad’s age tried to bend it in half on me. That was the only time I considered physical violence against someone.
Are all fanbases like this or suffer from incidents like these? Probably. Have these along with other observations led me to believe that nothing is more enjoyable than these fools suffering? Yes. Nothing is more enjoyable than seeing Oilers fans miserable — I rank that well above Leafs fan misery. I could win $50 million dollars tomorrow but if something awful happened to the Oilers resulting in their fans being completely distraught, I would gleefully celebrate that over any semblance of wealth.
If the Flames won the Stanley Cup, the joy of that as a fan is only second to the Oilers fans miserable over that outcome. I don’t even necessarily hate the team, my disdain is solely with their fans. Spite alone holds me aloft here.
The Elks? Who fucking cares. Additionally: the plural of elk is elk.
I’m sure Stampeders fans dislike Edmonton fans (maybe less comparably speaking when considering Saskatchewan exists).
The local sports teams
Mike Smith lives here most months out of the year
He ruined Jarome Iginla jersey retirement night in Calgary. Ramz and I will never forgive him.
The Panhandler Situation
When I first moved to Edmonton from Chetwynd, I had no semblance of what big city life was. My entire life was in small towns (Hudson’s Hope, Chetwynd, Red Earth, etc.) so I was unfamiliar with things like panhandlers. The first day I was in Edmonton I was being shown around the city and I encountered a blind woman panhandling. I gave her $5 thinking it would be helpful. After all: small-town boy, big city, optimism that doing good things will give way to more good things, etc.
Later that day I went to West Edmonton Mall for the first time and I saw the panhandler, only she was freely walking around and able to see. She wasn’t actually blind at all. She used that as a bit to panhandler and take away money from folks who legitimately could have benefited from that $5.
That single event has led to me never trusting a single Edmontonian, ever.
The guy I saw wearing an Oilers hat who was pooping in the bushes near my home
I saw an Edmonton Oilers fan pooping in the bushes on a weekday afternoon, on the side of 97th Street near Northgate Mall. Traffic was flying by and so was the poop coming out of his butt. I didn’t say anything but we locked eyes for a brief second which felt like an eternity. Him, with his pants down at his ankles, in a standing-squatting position. Me, regretting ever choosing to exist, and hoping that this wouldn’t traumatize me.
Wherever you are, pooping man, I hope you’re well but please never do this to anyone ever again.
Scorchstack Playoff Logo
Updated for Round 2
Ready when you are, Coffee Crisp.
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Why Brady Tkachuk is better than Oilers fans
You know I had to do it to ‘em.
by Ramz (@ramzreboot)
Time to bring back my specialty: Why [blank] is better than [blank]. This time, It’s why Brady Tkachuk is better than every single Oilers fan.
Let’s get started.
Many Oilers fans live in Edmonton. Brady Tkachuk does not live in Edmonton. Point to Tkachuk.
Relation to Matthew Tkachuk
Brady Tkachuk is related to Matthew Tkachuk. Oilers fans are not. Point to Brady.
Likeness towards Matthew Tkachuk
Brady Tkachuk, clearly, is a big fan of Matthew Tkachuk. Oilers fans are not. Pretty weird to not love the second-best player in the NHL (after Mikael Backlund). Point to Brady.
How happy they make me
Oilers fans do not make me happy. They make me the opposite. Brady Tkachuk makes me happy. Point to Brady.
Oilers fans wear ugly clothes like Oilers merch and.. cowboy boots? I don’t know what people in Edmonton wear. Brady Tkachuk wears cool shirts making fun of his brother. One was of the rat king, the other I won’t share because the Flames stole the idea from Mike. Point to Brady.
My tummy hurts
My tummy is currently hurting. I know it’s not Brady Tkachuk’s fault. Can’t say the same about Oilers fans. Point to Brady.
Whether I’d cover my drink if they came up to me in a bar
If I saw anybody coming up to me in a bar wearing an Oilers jersey, I would absolutely cover my drink. If I saw a guy who looked like Brady come up to me in a bar, I probably would also cover my drink. Neither gets a point for this one.
Willingness to get WOC fired for being anti-imperialists
Singing fun songs at karaoke
There is proof of Brady being cool and singing fun songs at karaoke, even after a Senators loss.
I’ve never seen Oilers fans do anything fun, especially not after an Oilers loss. No evidence of it happening. Point to Brady.
This cool photo of Brady Tkachuk
There’s this cool photo of Brady from 2019:
I’ve never seen Oilers fans look this cool ever. Point to Brady.
Playing with Tim Stützle
Brady gets to play on the same team as Tim Stützle. Oilers fans do not. They probably have never even met Tim Stützle. Point to Brady.
Getting bit by Brendan Lemieux
Brady Tkachuk has been bit by Brendan Lemieux and probably had to get a tetanus shot for it. Oilers fans have probably never been bit by Brendan Lemieux. Unfortunately, Oilers fans get a point for this one. I’m not happy about it, but I’m an honest woman with journalistic integrity who still reports on the things she’s not happy about, showing how unbiased I am.
Hating the Leafs
Brady Tkachuk has admitted to hating the Leafs.
It’s impossible for every Oilers fan to hate the Leafs. Point to Brady.
Being compared to Matthew Tkachuk (derogatory)
Mark Scheifele told Brady he’s “just like his brother”. While he meant that in a derogatory way, being compared to Matthew Tkachuk is the biggest compliment a person can receive. Oilers fans have never been compared to Matthew Tkachuk. Point to Brady.
That’s all for today. You count up the points, I’m too tired.
Scouting Report: Taking a look at Edmonton Oilers goalie Mike Smith
AKA Choosing to remember the 2017-2019 seasons but with less pain
by Nathan (@hanoten)
A lot has been said about the performance of Jake Oettinger in Round 1, and with good reason. That may have been the best-ever performance by a goaltender in a full series, and definitely, one that didn’t end up winning the series. Truly absurd what he will accomplish in his career. May he never face the Flames in the postseason again.
Allegedly, the playoffs are supposed to get more difficult as they progress, which means that Edmonton Oilers Mike Smith is poised to up the ante for the Flames in ways that have yet to be determined. The question is though, can he? Truly? Smith is like if a reply on Twitter came to life. He is Icarusian if the metaphorical sun were anywhere but the net he was actually tending to. And he has tricked five NHL teams into employing his services, Calgary included.
That being said, Smith has a tendency to defy the odds and sometimes become a goaltender extraordinaire. A decade ago, he did have that 16-game run with Phoenix where he posted a .944 SV%, which is nothing like his first year in the playoffs with Edmonton where he had a .783 SV% and a GAA of 11.31 (not a typo).
So to be fair to Smith, I decided to look back at this work and see what he had to offer. Thankfully, the same Edmonton tourism account that Floob found all those videos also had a video of Smith’s work, making it extremely easy. Rest assured, Mike Smith features prominently in each of these clips doing what he does best.
Wow, wonder what he’ll do to top that in Game 1 tonight!
Up Next Week
With the success of so many listicles, we form The Scorchington Post. You won’t believe that GIF #7 we post next week is even legal!
Someone loses a body part during one of the games this week. You won’t believe who it is or which body part!
People will continue bandying about winning over Red Deer as if that were some sort of actual prize.