Scorchstack Issue #86 - Victory Crispstack
Coffee Crisp, it is about time that you sponsor us. Just think about the revenue and content we will bring you
The Flames have had 2 wins in the playoffs since the Scorchstack once again did it first and introduced Victory Crisps. If the Flames will continue to win, it will on the back of these Victory Crisps. You’ve heard it here first.
What’s inside?
Ramz has some beef with Joe Pavelski (who doesn’t these days!) and you’re not ready for what she has to say.
Nathan goes off on Gary Bettman about his “no league events” comment. Watch out, Gary.
We hired a new summer student and their name is Bryndlyn because Christian is in Europe. This isn’t a bit.
More Victory Crisp content for you, brought you by Scorchstack (for now, we hope).
Since last issue
Scorchstack Issue #85 was released to universal fanfare and acclaim. The most comprehensive bandwagon guide compiled in the history of the world.
The Big Monday Thing dropped and fully embraced the Victory Crisp lifestyle.
Johnny Gaudreau became the first famous American to survive a catastrophic blow to the head in the city of Dallas.
The Flames were down 2-1 and then tied up the series 2-2. And then, after all that, they went up 3-2. We put off publishing this yesterday just to be sure. This is the poignant analysis Scorchstack provides.
All the times Joe Pavelski has personally terrorized me
He's just as bad as ISIS
by Ramz (@ramzreboot)
Joe Pavelski has been a Shlah enemy for as long as I can remember. I’m not sure why, but Baba Shlah has always hated him. Joe Pavelski has always caused him pain and suffering. And after all, I am my father’s daughter. (Editor’s note: we fact checked this statement and it is 100% true. Ramina is Baba’s daughter.)
Doesn’t even know his name. True power.
In honour of this Flames/ Stars series, let’s look at all the dates Pavelski has personally terrorized me (thus far). This will be in the format of dd/mm/yy (sorry Americans).
11/09/01
23/12/06
24/02/07, 05/04/07, 22/10/07
03/01/08, 30/01/08, 12/02/08, 09/04/08, 10/04/08, 13/04/08, 15/04/08, 17/04/08, 20/04/08, 22/04/08, 13/11/08
06/01/09, 15/01/09, 30/03/09, 05/12/09
18/01/10, 19/03/10, 06/04/10
25/02/11, 23/03/11
17/01/12, 24/01/12, 08/02/12, 13/03/12
20/01/13, 06/03/13, 05/04/13, 19/10/13, 12/11/13
20/01/14, 30/01/14, 24/03/14, 26/11/14, 06/12/14
17/01/15, 04/02/15, 09/02/15, 28/11/15, 08/12/15
11/01/16, 11/02/16, 07/03/16, 03/11/16, 20/12/16
11/01/17, 31/03/17, 14/12/17, 28/12/17
16/03/18, 24/03/18, 11/11/18, 31/12/18
07/02/19, 10/10/19, 13/11/19, 22/12/19
11/08/20, 13/08/20, 14/08/20, 16/08/20, 18/08/20, 20/08/20
04/11/21
01/02/22, 21/04/22, 03/05/22, 05/05/22, 07/05/22, 09/05/22, 11/05/22
If you or anyone you know has been personally terrorized by Joe Pavelski, please reach out to the Scorchstack TIPS Hotline. Together we can make a difference by putting this bastard away for good.
Hello, I’m the new Summer Student!
by Bryndlyn (she doesn’t have Twitter)
Hi!!! I’m the new summer student, Bryndlyn! I’m graduating from SAIT and I’ve been looking for a paid internship for a number of weeks now to get experience in the workplace. I’m so grateful that the Scorchies offered me this opportunity to learn the ropes of The Scorchstack Network and cover on Twitter while Christian is in Europe.
Here are some fun facts about me!!
love Michael Stone!! did you know he had eight shots in game 4?!?!?!
my favourite calgry flame grwing up was raphael diaz because someone in my P.E. class said that he was cameron diaz’s brother and i love her movies
very good at social media! i have an instagram account for my dog with 300 followers and im very active on tiktok
someone said johny gaudreau could fit in a pocket so i always have a pocket sized picture of him with me
one time I cheered for the oilers and then I got dumped :(((
You can catch me on the Twitters lol and I’ll be posting content for the next few months :)))))))
Don’t play into Gary Bettman’s idle threats
Oh noooooo, we don’t get to host the NHL All-Star Game, that beloved event that comes around once every 32 years
by Nathan (@hanoten)
Overshadowing last week’s Game 1 victory was the revelation that Gary Bettman got stuck in an elevator with media folks because it broke in the Saddledome. Bettman used this opportunity to continue making jabs that Calgary needs a new arena, which was just gobbled up. It was in Postmedia, Global, and DailyHive, and was the topic of people who have been shilling for billionaires a little too hard over the last few years, plebs and media personalities alike.
So now Bettman is threatening that Calgary can’t hold league events, all while Arizona plays out of ASU next year. At first, you may be thinking that no league events is a pretty damning blow for a franchise. This means that Calgary couldn’t host…..the All-Star Game and the NHL draft, which to be fair doesn’t even need ice or anything but pomp and circumstance for teens and top brass. That’s it.
“I think it’s a priority for the people that live in Calgary and want concerts and family shows in addition to NHL hockey,” said Bettman, who decided to also calculate what the income of 20 Garth Brooks concerts would be before lying and pretending it was substantial. He’s definitely invested in family shows in Calgary, which is a term we all know and love and use regularly.
I beg of you, stop falling for this. Bettman probably sabotaged the elevator himself once he realized it was going to be full of media personnel. We are better than this. If the Flames can host playoff games, that’s truly all the league events we need to be concerned with.
Seriously, that’s it. No more long-form pieces on this. This is a ruse to swindle public funds for no discernable benefit to the people of Calgary.
“Obviously there’s nothing going on right this second to report that would indicate that there’s going to be a solution immediately, but my hope is that everybody can figure this out,” Bettman said, as he didn’t meet with the city.
Yes, my hope is that everybody can also figure this out. Hmm……..
Much to figure out.
Victory Crisps
This would be brought to you by Coffee Crisp but they haven’t sponsored us. Don’t make us do another ‘Stan’ parody. Respond to us already.
Up Next Week
We cyberbully another local, mediocre, failed, and utterly revolting musician into retirement because they thought about making a playoff song for round two.
Seriously Coffee Crisp sponsor us.
Bryndlyn launches her own column where she obsessively discusses Michael Stone.