ScorchStack Issue #77 - I Would Choose Scorchstack. Everyone Would Choose Scorchstack
This one? Oh you better believe this one is serious journalism
Now that the Events Centre Committee is back up and running thanks to this week’s City Hall stuff, the arena might come back from the dead assuming the city can find a third party who can convince the Flames to jump back on board. Maybe this third party can also put aside their petty grievances and follow Jyoti Gondek back on Twitter. She’s only the mayor of the city they’re in!
What’s inside?
Boy, Rick, Kelly Hrudey sure says Boy, Rick a lot. But what does he mean? Investigative reporter Ramz tries to decipher this code.
The future is now: Every future consideration trade that the Flames have ever made is getting resolved now thanks to Tibs
Because yesterday was International Women’s Day, to respect its roots as International Working Women’s Day, we let ramz show you all how its done by writing half the issue. She wrote a second article detailing skincare routines for the entire roster, and we let ramz do twice as much work because we’re #allies
Nathan and Jess are getting married, but Floob is here to make everyone (Jess) re-evaluate their (her) priorities. Don’t make him angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry
Since last issue
The Calgary Flames decided they were tired of winning all the time at home, dropping games against Montreal and Washington. But they also won an extremely entertaining game against Colorado and added to the embarrassment of Edmonton’s season, just to prove they can still win whatever game they feel like.
Can you imagine what it would be like to live in a world without Big Monday Thing? Thankfully, you don’t have to.
Can you imagine what it would be like to live in a world without Mike turning into Marshall Mathers? Thankfully, you don’t have to.
Perfect beautiful Swedish angel played in his 800th game, making him only the fifth ever player to do that exclusively with the Calgary Flames. By next week, he’ll be fourth all-time in games played barring any weird stuff, and it’s just a reminder how long we’ve been blessed. Revel in it while we still can.
Boy, Rick
Hrudey’s on duty
By Ramz (@ramzreboot)
Kelly Hrudey loves saying, “Boy, Rick” when talking to his good friend Rick Ball in the booth. Here are some different meanings of “Boy, Rick” based on punctuation and emphasis on the words.
“Boy! Rick!”
Kelly is pointing at a boy and is trying to get Rick’s attention about it.
“Boy? Rick!”
Kelly sees a boy and upon further observation realizes it’s his good friend Rick Ball.
“Boy!? Riiiick!”
Kelly sees a boy with Rick and they are holding hands and is now discovering Rick is bi and is happy for him.
“Boy? Rick…”
Kelly asks Rick if he prefers international women’s day or international men’s day and Rick says international men’s day because he’s sexist and Kelly is concerned.
“Boy, Rick!”
Kelly is in the hospital room as Rick’s wife is giving birth and lets Rick know the sex of the baby.
“Boy? Rick…”
Kelly is with Rick and sees a little boy who turns out to be a ghost and is trying to grab Rick’s attention about it.
“Boy? Rick…?”
Kelly sees a boy who turns out to be a ghost and realizes the ghost is his friend Rick.
“Boy? Rick?”
Somebody is asking Kelly about a boy named Rick and Kelly is clarifying the question.
“Boy! Rick!”
Kelly’s friend Rick has been missing for weeks. After weeks of searching, police tell Kelly that they found a boy named Rick and it could be Kelly’s friend Rick.
“Boy? Rick.”
Kelly is asked what his favourite boy’s name is and Kelly clarifies the gender before responding with the name.
“Boy. Rick.”
Kelly is looking at two people, pointing, and saying their names as he’s pointing. He points at the first person whose name he doesn’t know and then points at Rick.
“Boy, Rick.”
Rick asked Kelly if he knows the gender of someone specific and Kelly answers him.
Reviewing all the outstanding Flames Future Considerations trades
Bill's due
by tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
Hey did you hear about the big trade the Flames made with the Habs? [Smuggest dipshit grin on my face] Oh, you thought I meant the Tyler Toffoli trade?
That’s right, the Flames traded for an EA NHL autogenerated player. What’d they give up? Future considerations. What future considerations? Who can say.
Why future considerations? Allegedly, it’s because McNiven was supposed to be in the Tyler Toffoli trade but was injured at the time, which I suppose is a major issue when you consider the zero NHL games McNiven will play. Both teams still wanted him to be part of the deal, so they’ve found a way for him to still swap teams without having to go through the formalities, and you can’t trade for past considerations.
The NHL trading rules are a bit muddled, seeing as there isn’t actually a published list out there, but one of the rules is that you can’t trade a player for nothing. No matter how insignificant the player, it has to be a trade by the very definition of the word. Even the Marc-Andre Fleury trade from last season matched those requirements because he was exchanged for an AHLer that stayed with Chicago’s AHL team anyways. Both teams must give up something.
Enter future considerations: a nice and easy way around all that. If teams find themselves in the weird position where a player is valueless enough to not be worth any asset but still somehow worth being included in trade talks, future considerations is a workaround where a team essentially gets a player for free. No one cares because the players usually included in future considerations deals will play five total NHL minutes before disappearing from the league altogether.
These deals used to be somewhat legitimate; it’s actually how the Flames acquired Robyn Regehr in 1999, the future consideration in the Theo Fleury trade. Teams would at least give something away in future considerations, even as a gesture. The famous Kris Draper for one dollar trade? Originally future considerations. There was honour in the future considerations market. You had to pony up when the time came. A prospect, a pick, even cold hard cash: you had to consider the future (?) on these deals.
Now, these deals are shams and shams that the NHL apparently wholeheartedly endorse. Check for yourself. Since the big NHL lockout, teams have been sliding each other players for free, uncashed future considerations. It’s a broken system if I’ve ever seen one.
No more. We’re calling in the debts, it’s time to get what we’re owed. And just to prove that this isn’t a selfish exercise, we’ll pay off our own debts too.
Note: I am using prosportstransactions to find all the future considerations trades. Although pre-2005 trades were likely fulfilled via cash, anything that is considered unfulfilled (has a (?) next to the word) is fair game. We’ll consider these to be clerical errors in our favour.
The Detroit Red Wings trade future considerations to the Flames for Al McDonough (August 1st, 1977 (approximate))
What happened: Al McDonough was an NHL career speedrunner. From a modest early beginning in Los Angeles, he broke out with the Penguins in a 76 point season in 1972. From there, injuries apparently took their toll as he wound up in the WHA after two half seasons in the NHL. He accomplished all this by age 24.
After three pretty good campaigns in the rival league, the Detroit Red Wings were interested enough in giving him an NHL comeback and traded future considerations to the Atlanta Flames for McDonaugh’s rights. He played 13 games for the Wings before leaving the game of hockey at age 27.
Future considered: Although 13 games aren’t really that much when you adjust for inflation, that pretty much means they have to give us Moritz Seider.
The Hartford Whalers trade future considerations to the Flames for John Stewart (February 1st, 1981)
What happened: The Atlanta Flames had a guy named John Stewart playing for them. He retired from hockey to become a pastor and author of 28 books. Not joking.
Apparently, the Calgary Flames felt they needed to continue the strong John Stewart tradition of Flames hockey and acquired a different guy named John Stewart. He did not play for the NHL club and moved to Germany the next season. Unclear if he also wrote 28 books, or if he’s the late-night show guy.
Future considered: I really blew it by throwing in the adjusting for inflation joke on the first entry. Nevertheless, I think the Carolina Hurricanes ought to give us Dougie Hamilton in return. I did one semester of economics in university, my calculations on this one are correct.
The Flames trade Future Considerations to the Colorado Rockies for Steve Janaszak (September 18th, 1981)
What happened: We’ve come to the first person on this list who actually has some clout to his name. No, seriously. Being the backup goalie on the 1980 Miracle on Ice US Olympic gold medal-winning does get you some clout. He has a Wikipedia page and everything. An actor played him in a movie.
The Flames, eager to acquire the Steve Janaszak cash cow, paid future considerations to get a goalie with three NHL games under his belt and a .857 save percentage. He did not play a game for either the big club or their minor league affiliates, but he did bring a gold medal winner pedigree to the organization.
Future considered: The Rockies are the New Jersey Devils now, so we still do owe them something. I think Milan Lucic is the perfect way to resolve this debt, as he is also a gold medal winner (2007 Canada-Russia U20 super series).
The St. Louis Blues trade future considerations to the Flames for Kari Eloranta (March 8th, 1982)
What happened: There are four MLB players who were traded for a player to be named later, only to find themselves to also be that later named player. In the NHL, you can’t do that, but this Kari Eloranta trade is the closest we’ve come.
Eloranta was one of those famous “best guy not in the NHL” European players when that concept was new and revolutionary. He signed a contract with the Flames in 1982, stunk it up big time (plus/minus also stinks, but it was the best stat available in 1982 and he was a -14 in 19 games), and then went to the Blues where he immediately became at least passable, if not decent.
After realizing that giving a guy an opportunity to succeed instead of cutting him adrift after 19 games was perhaps the better idea, the Flames kindly asked the Blues if they could have him back. Since it was illegal for Eloranta to also be the future consideration in the trade that sent him to St. Louis, the Flames had to pay to rectify their mistake.
Future considered: I think we’re square on this one. The Blues were kind enough to give the Flames a second chance with Eloranta (resulting in three pretty productive seasons). Not being embarrassed by giving a player away for nothing is the future consideration in this one.
The St. Louis Blues trade future considerations to the Flames for Guy Chouinard (September 6th, 1983)
What happened: What do you do with a club legend who is hampered by injury and no longer as effective? Just dump him for free, who cares. Maybe we should abolish the salary cap again.
Future considered: We’ll take an unceremonious contract dump in return: one Vladimir Tarasenko, please.
The Canadiens trade Patrick Lebeau to the Flames for future considerations (Either September 27th, 1986 or October 5th, 1992, maybe never)
What happened: Okay, this one is confusing.
According to the website, the Flames traded for Patrick Lebeau 2.75 years before he was even drafted. Then they traded for him three years after he was drafted too, presumably as Montreal had drafted him back from the Flames?
Now you may think this is like the John Stewart case above: there are simply two NHLers named Patrick Lebeau. Incorrect, there’s only one. The record is obviously sketchy and incomplete, but I could not find any information that the Flames traded for him when he was 16 years old. The 1992 trade is confirmed, but nothing else is. (ed. note: the Flames traded for him after he won a silver medal with Canada at the 1992 Albertville Olympics, where he would play all of one (1) game with the Flames) I also don’t think the Flyers invited him to training camp and cut him after a day when he was 37 and out of North American hockey for just under a decade, but this man’s entire life is a series of administrative errors so what’s one more.
Future considered: We need to try to bring up the faulty record defence to prevent Montreal from stealing away a Flame, but if they insist, they can have Jessica Szohr’s husband (Brad Richardson).
The Flames trade Colin Patterson to the Sabres for future considerations (October 24th, 1992)
What happened: I’m just going to copy/paste this from Wikipedia.
Injury problems returned in 1989–90 as, after recording only eight points in 61 games, Patterson's season was ended when he broke his ankle on March 24, 1990. His attempted return for the 1990–91 season was halted when he suffered torn knee ligaments during a pre-season game against the Toronto Maple Leafs. The injury caused him to miss the entire regular season, and he returned to appear in only one playoff game. Unsure how Patterson would return after missing the season, the Flames opted to trade him to the Buffalo Sabres prior to the 1991–92 season. Buffalo acquired him in the hopes that his character and success with Calgary would help the Sabres. Patterson played two seasons in Buffalo and recorded 18 points in 88 games.
Emphasis mine. It’s so funny that the Sabres have just always had the stupidest ideas.
Future considered: J̶a̶c̶k̶ ̶E̶i̶c̶h̶e̶l̶.̶ ̶T̶r̶a̶d̶e̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶o̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶y̶a̶r̶d̶ ̶l̶i̶n̶e̶
The Flames trade Bryan Deasley to the Quebec Nordiques for future considerations (October 27th, 1992)
What happened: Hopefully by now, you’ve realized the pattern here: shitty, unremarkable player is so shitty and unremarkable that the team doesn’t even bother to ask for something in return. There are about ten more of these by the way.
Deasley is a bit of exception though, as he was the Flames’ first-round pick in 1987. Five years later without much progress, they just gave up on him and let him get a fresh start in Quebec. He lasted one more season and never played in the NHL. No respect for a Spengler Cup winner.
Future considered: If I’m being fair, the Avs don’t really need to give us anything, but they have it too good already and I demand a first-round pick from them.
The Flames trade Ken Sabourin to the Capitals for future considerations (December 16th, 1992)
What happened: Again, I think you’ve figured out the pattern.
Future considered: And I think you’ve figured out the joke, too: whoever the best player is on the Capitals is, adjusting for inflation and whatnot.
The Flames trade Jeff Reese to the Whalers for Dan Keczmer and Future Considerations (December 16th, 1992)
What happened: Yeah, this has dragged on long enough. I’m just going to do one more.
The Flames trade Rick Tabaracci to the Capitals for a ninth-round pick (Björn Nord) and Future Considerations (August 16th, 1992)
What happened: The Flames acquired a guy named Björn Nord, which was worth the price of admission for this article alone. Don’t you feel happy knowing that there’s a guy named Bjorn Nord walking around out there?
good tweet of the week all-time
by Blake Coleman (@BColes25) Pat Steinberg (@Fan960Steinberg) a lot of people, too many handles
Friends of Scorchstack and noted twins Josh and Luke of EvolvingHockey are running a best hockey tweets of all-time bracket in March, and there are some very good tweets include some by Mike and Ramz. Vote it in and revel in the real things people have said over the years, and then also subscribe to evolving-hockey.com and think about hockey smarter.
Creating skincare routines for the Flames
We all know they need it
by Ramz (@ramzreboot)
Here’s the thing with the Calgary Flames: I know none of them do a single thing to their faces but they still somehow have great skin? Unfair. Here’s me creating skincare routines for some of the players. I won’t do all of them with similar skin types as it’ll get pretty repetitive but you’ll get the idea.
Before we start off, all of them need to use sunscreen or SPF every single morning so I also won’t be saying that. Please, I’m begging them to use sunscreen. And all of you, if you’re not using sunscreen 365 days a year then you better fuckin start. This one’s fine for lighter skin, this one is good for darker skin as it supposedly doesn’t leave a white/purple cast and it’s a chemical sunscreen (chemical and/or mineral sunscreens are the best for darker skin).
Also, I shouldn’t have to say this but my legal team (ScorchStack, ScorchStack, and Diamond) are making me say a disclaimer: I am in no way an expert in skin or any sort of dermatologist or esthetician, just someone who is passionate about skincare and knows a decent amount about it. So if you use any of these tips and fuck up your skin I am not liable.
Also, these won’t be overly complicated. I’m going to make it pretty simple because I genuinely want them to incorporate some of these products and they only will if it’s as simple and quick as possible.
Matthew Tkachuk
Tkachuk looks like he gets some breakouts here and there and also has dry skin. Completely get that bud, that’s my skin type too: Dry and sensitive. First, he needs to start using a cleanser but only at night to not overly strip his already dry skin. I recommend a salicylic acid cleanser to help with any breakouts as salicylic acid is recommended to help treat breakouts and clean our pores. This one’s good.
Next, I’d recommend a chemical exfoliant a couple times a week in the evenings to help with any leftover scarring or hyperpigmentation from breakouts. This one’s good and gentle and has niacinamide which helps moisturize.
Finally, at night, I’d recommend a good moisturizer, this one’s good. A little pricey but he can afford it. Like I’d never get it, but he’s fine.
In the mornings, he can just use this moisturizer before any SPF. If he wants to be extra he can use some hyaluronic acid or some vitamin c before the moisturizer or some retinol at night before the moisturizer, but these should be fine for now.
Other players with similar skin types/can use this routine: Oliver Kylington (plus a beard oil which I explain more later).
Johnny Gaudreau
Johnny looks like he has naturally just glowy skin. Not sure what that’s about, maybe Meredith has taught him to use moisturizer. But because of that, he also looks like he has slightly oily skin. Since he already has nice skin, we don’t want to interrupt that too much so just a couple extra things here and there. The cleanser I’d recommend in the evenings is this one.
Then I’d recommend a glycolic acid. These are good for people with oily skin as they can help gently clear out your pores. This one’s a good one. Lastly in the PM, the moisturizer I’d recommend is this one.
In the morning I’d recommend this moisturizer because it’s water-based which is good for oily skin but still has hyaluronic acid which brings in moisture from the atmosphere.
Similar skin types/can also use this routine: Jacob Markström, Elias Lindholm, Sean Monahan, Andrew Mangiapane, Mikael Backlund, Blake Coleman, Rasmus Andersson, Adam Ružička.
Tyler Toffoli
Normally I’d say Toffoli has similar skin to Gaudreau, but coming from Montreal to Calgary (very humid to very dry), I’m sure his skin will not like it and feel overly dry. I’d recommend using a gentle cleanser at night to not overly strip his skin. This one’s great (I use it). Warning: It does look like cum but it is not cum (I don’t think).
Then I’d recommend retinol which helps rejuvenate skin cells and helps with anti-aging. I’d then just recommend a good moisturizer. This one’s fine and has hyaluronic acid (benefits like I said above). If he really wants, he can try slugging at night for a few weeks to help his skin adjust to Calgary weather, but it’s not necessary.
In the mornings I’d just use that same moisturizer.
Similar skin types/can also use this routine: Noah Hanifin, Milan Lucic, Nikita Zadorov, Brett Ritchie.
Erik Gudbranson
He looks like he has normal skin with a little bit on the dry side. I’d recommend the exact same routine as Toffoli’s with a couple of extra tweaks.
I’d also recommend an eye cream for Gudbranson, any will do, just add extra moisture there. Normally a regular moisturizer can be fine when used under your eyes but if you need extra help you can use a specific eye cream (just know it’s not totally necessary). This one is apparently good, I don’t use it because I make normal people money and can’t justify spending that much extra on eye cream, but it seems fine.
Due to water sprayed during games and sweat, I’m sure his beard/skin under his beard gets quite dry so I’d recommend a beard oil. This one has good reviews but I’ve also never used beard oil as I have never had a beard.
Similar skin types/can also use this routine: Dillon Dubé, Trevor Lewis (minus the beard oil but he should definitely try slugging).
Chris Tanev
Like Gudbranson, he should use basically the same routine but he should use an under-eye cream to help with dark circles rather than just for moisturizer/puffiness. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what he needs, basically if you pull your under-eye out and it still looks dark, that means your skin needs the brightening and you can use something with vitamin c. If it clears up, it means your eye is tired, and using an eye cream with coffee would actually help (yes those exist). Since I don’t know his exact reasoning, this one should be fine.
Similar skin types/can also use this routine: Brad Richardson, Dan Vladař.
Sorry if I forgot any player I’m sorry and I also don’t fully care. Feel free to use any of these routines if you have similar skin types and as always, must credit ScorchStack if your skin gets much better. If something fucks your skin up it’s not on ScorchStack and you legally cannot credit us for it.
In Response To Jessica
at some point you’re going to have to evaluate what's really important here
by Floob (@itlooksreal)
You may remember last week’s issue, where I laid out my approach and fashion strategy for the upcoming wedding between our own Scorchie Nathan, and (who I thought was) his lovely fiancé, Jessica.
Anyone who knows me understands that I take a) style very seriously, and b) all my ideas from the Calgary Flames. So it made sense that I would apply both these factors to my measured and methodical approach in selecting an outfit to wear to the resplendent union between two soulmates sharing the ultimate expression of love. After all, this wedding is going to be something everyone in attendance remembers forever, and it’s important to dress the part so as to not in some way tarnish the day. I’m not just doing this by the seat of my finely tailored pants.
This is a process, and it gets results.
Which is why I was pleased with the outcome after applying my formula to this scenario. As you may recall, the look I landed on for the wedding happened to be this striking number once worn by Flames defenseman Nikita Zadorov:
An absolutely stunning visage adorned by old stock Wall Street power players and Bond villains alike, this look enters a room three days before the person wearing it does. This makes an impression. In retrospect, this could have been the only answer. Remember, it’s not me choosing this look, the science chose it for me.
Which is why I was taken aback when Jessica, upon reading the issue, had some reservations about the whole thing:
Who do I think I am, JESSICA??? I’ll tell you who I am. I am a man of substance and class, and I won’t apologize for it. I’m honestly miffed that you don’t expect your guests to arrive looking like a million bucks on your big day. I’ll just say it: it’s selfish.
I get that, traditionally, the spotlight falls entirely on the bride on her wedding day, and I have no intention of disrupting that practice, but is it my fault if my own natural opulence, through no fault or intention of my own, worms its way into the heart and minds of your attendees? No. I’m a victim here.
At the end of the day, Jess needs to figure out what’s more important: her wedding, which is just one day on a calendar, or me, a complex human being with import and value. I know what I would choose if the roles were reversed. I’d choose Scorchstack. Everyone would choose Scorchstack.
All this being said, I’m not made of stone. I’m willing to compromise. I’m a giver, and as a wedding gift to Nathan and Jess, I’m willing to sacrifice my own well being and that of everyone in attendance, and I will comply with the wishes of the bride. There is a lot of work that has to go into this, but I can make it happen. So without any further adieu, here is my updated look for Nathan and Jessica’s wedding day:
If there are any issues with this, I swear to God I am going to just lose it.
Up Next Week
Brad Treliving trades for a 4th round pick in the 2022 draft just so that he can flip it for a depth defender on trade deadline day.
The Flames play against some good teams and also Detroit, so of course they’ll beat Tampa and Colorado and drop the other game.
Matthew Phillips. We’ll keep saying it until it happens.