ScorchStack Issue #76 - Trevor Lewis radiates “divorced dad who won full custody of the kids” vibes
Fashion, pining for NHL Insiders, and eulogizing a former-Calgary Flame. The ScorchStack has it all!
Hey everyone. Before we get into today’s Scorchstack issue, I wanted to address what we has been happening in Ukraine. Unless you have been living under a rock that frankly I wish we all could live under, You are aware that Ukraine has been invaded by Russia at all fronts, resulting in an outright war. As someone who was born Russia, this has been heartbreaking and infuriating to see what my country has been doing to the people of Ukraine and how our leaders and state media has been downplaying this situation.
The Russian Army is sending out an unprepared, under supplied army of young teenagers, most of which are from the minority communities of Russia such as Buryatia, to fight innocent people in Ukraine all while being lied to by their commanders about this being a “combat exercise”. This invasion is not supported by the Russian people and this is not an invasion the Russian people want. This is the work of a brutal dictator who is dead-set on achieving his bloodthirsty goals at the expense of innocents.
Vladimir Putin is a war criminal that has ruined the lives of those in Ukraine and doomed the lives of the people in Russia. Regardless of what any state media might say, this is an invasion and this is a war that was started by the Russian Government.
If you can, please do consider helping out the people of Ukraine through the links provided below.
Refugee Help via Polish Humanitarian Action, the Polish Association for Legal Intervention, and R2P.
Aid inside Ukraine - NBU Fund & Ukrainian Red Cross
Fuck Vladimir Putin and fuck all of those who support this invasion of Ukraine.
- Konnie
What’s inside?
Mike becomes Marshall Mathers, penning an ode to his friend Elliotte Friedman in this week’s edition of Mike Thoughts.
Tyler Pitlick is no longer with us. No, he’s not dead, but he’s a Canadien now. A fate worse than death. We remember what he brought as a member of the Calgary Flames.
Floob details what Calgary Flames look he will steal and wear to Nathan’s wedding this summer.
Nathan is getting married. We don’t know if you know, but now you know.
Since last issue
The Calgary Flames lost a game in a grotesque fashion to the Vancouver Canucks. They followed it up by bullying the Minnesota Wild and then laughing at those EvolvingWild twins. The Calgary Flames don’t respect twins.
Floob published a Big Monday Thing which consisted of gushing about sports entertainment’s two biggest babyfaces and most-over talents: Hangman Adam Page and Oliver Kylington.
The Scorchies are involved new business ventures. The next iteration of The Scorchstack is on the horizon.
Elliotte Mike Thoughts
My tea’s gone cold, I’m wondering why I got bed at all
By Mike (@mikeFAIL)
Dear Elliotte, I wrote you but you still ain’t calling. I left my cell, my MSN messenger email, and the Scorchstack corporate number at the bottom. I sent two DMs to you in autumn, you must not-a got ‘em. There probably was a Twitter outage or something. Sometimes I ramble and mix up Twitter handles when I type them. But anyways, fuck it, what’s up? Man how’s your podcast? My girlfriend has a podcast too, I’m about to be a co-host. If I have fanbase, guess what I’m going to call them? I’ll name them Bonnies. I heard about your bald spot too, I’m sorry. I had a bald spot too until I shaved my head. I know you probably hear this everyday but I’m your biggest fan. I even got the college articles you did with Western. I got a room full of your articles with your pictures, man — I like the shit you did with the Toronto Star too, that shit was fat. Anyways, I hope you get this man, DM me back just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan this is Mike Thoughts.
Kanye dropped another lawyer. What does this mean for Scorchstack and the Kardashians?
I don’t know honestly. As the leading publication in the field of Kardashian and Calgary Flames coverage, I have some complex thoughts on the whole Kimye divorce situation. It’s obvious Kanye has no grasp or control over the situation any longer.
There is chatter among sources close to Scorchstack he is hiring the attorney who worked with Dr. Dre’s ex-wife, Nicole Young, in her separation from the rap mogul. Will this work for Kanye? Whose to say! Will the outcome of this be any better than any of his music since Yeezus? No.
What does this mean for Kim and the kids? She’s going to be fine, I think. I don’t really know to be honest. I just learned who the bulk of the Kardashians were when Kim’s daughter was spotted in the Flames jersey a few months ago. Since then, the Flames have gone 16-7-0 including the ten game winning streak. Is Kim to credit for this? Hard to say, but we’ll get to that.
Scorchstack is available for all media inquiries in discussing the Calgary Flames and the Kardashians. I just need to make that vehemently clear.
The real key to the Flames’ success: my dog, Rosie
One day in early November, I was at the pet store with my partner and our dogs. While strolling the aisles of Homes Alive, the official pet store of Scorchstack’s Edmonton Bureau, I spotted a delightful Calgary Flames bandana. It was only $10 and let me tell you all: that bandana has paid off. The Flames have been a juggernaut since the bandana has been acquired.
The Flames have gone 26-13-3 in that span, with an impressive all-situations goal differential of +45. Does that mean Rosie is the catalyst for the 2021-22 Calgary Flames team being so damn impressive? A resounding yes was echoed across all of Scorchstack’s sources, offices, and legions of subscribers.
I would encourage everyone who has a pet; be it a dog, big or small; a cat; a donkey; or even a hamster to wear a Flames bandana. The only time it can be taken off is during off-days where the Flames don’t play. I’ve completely adjusted any scheduled bathes or vet visits for Rosie to be on off-days so we don’t mess with the good energy here.
If the Flames are looking for marketing opportunities with pets, such as mine, who possess the necessary energy required to fuel them on their quest for a Stanley Cup victory this season please reach out to Scorchstack immediately.
The Blackhawks hired the guy who was there the whole time: Hockey!
I really found it fascinating how quickly folks pumped the tires on Mike Forde’s Sportsology company as this new era approach to finding the right people for the right positions. Every industry benefits from this approach whether it’s telecommunications (a world I’m in), fast food (an industry I give lots of money to because I am a glutton for hating my body), or macramé. The latter of which could use a revitalization of new voices, probably.
But when the candidate the Blackhawks settle on is actually the guy who has been interim-general manager that replaced the disgraced dipshit Stan Bowman; a guy that looks like a disheveled, unbathed, and clearly living in an Arby’s parking lot-type then you know maybe adding new voices in hockey isn’t easier said than done.
Was the bulk of the hockey world expecting a Vancouver Canucks-esque approach to hiring? No. Should we have? No. Are you fools to have believed that the Blackhawks would stray from nepotism which has gotten this far? You must be new here, but no. This guy was likely a Wirtz-driven pick.
Is Kyle Davidson the best guy for the job and did you need to pay some consulting firm a lot of money for being guided to realizing the call is coming from inside the house? Probably not, but kudos to Forde & Sportsology for likely creating a client list in the NHL where every team who is looking to make changes will willingly give up thousands to simply make decisions they were already going to make.
Peter Chiarelli deserved this job. I remain steadfast in campaigning for Peter to run a NHL team again. My hope is he does and he runs it as well as he ran Edmonton into a still-smoldering crater that is to this day.
I didn’t have time to write a long-form reason list as to why Elias Lindholm doesn’t deserve the Selke, but he should be in the conversation.
I’ll do this next week and I’m making a promise that I will. I’m busy writing about something else.
Dear Elliotte, you still ain't called or wrote, I hope you have a chance I ain't mad, I just think it's messed up you don't answer fans. If you didn't wanna talk to me in your DMs
You didn’t have to, but you coulda signed an autograph for Nathan. That’s my editor, man. He’s only 30 years old (editor’s note: Nathan is not 30). We waited in the blistering cold for you — for four hours and you just said, “No”. That’s pretty shitty man, you’re like his bloody idol. He wants to be your like you man, he likes you more than I do! I ain’t that mad though, I just don’t like being lied to. Remember when we met in Denver, you said if I’d DM you, you would DM back.
Scorchstack has some changes coming that I will tease here
I’m stepping down from Scorchstack’s EVP of New Growth Markets (NGM) and announcing Ramz has been promoted to this position. The reason being is both of us secured two new opportunities for Scorchstack but hers was must better than mine and I will never stand in her way.
Will I tell you, the astute and wonderfully intelligent, Scorchstack readers what these changes are? Hell no. All I’ll say is both of them are great and we’re really happy with them, just we’re much more happier with the bigger change Ramz helped secure.
Where am I going? I’m heading up our Summer Student division wing of Scorchstack. After Krayden’s disastrous tenure with Scorchstack during last summer we need someone to find the best local talent to bring into the fold. We’re going to be working with SAIT to bring in an intern who isn’t Krayden 2.0.
Elliotte I can relate to what you’re saying in your blogs
So when I have a shitty day, I can drift away and read ‘em all because I don’t really got shit else so that helps when I’m depressed. I even got a tattoo of your name across the chest. See everything you say is real and I respect you because you tell it. My girlfriend’s jealous ‘cause I talk about you 24/7 but she doesn’t know you like I know you Elliotte, no one does. Sincerely yours, Mike.
PS: we should blog together too.
A memorial for Tyler Pitlick
We hardly knew ye. No really, we hardly knew ye.
by tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
Ahead of tomorrow’s Flames-Habs games, I realized that we forgot something: to say goodbye to forever a Flame Tyler Pitlick.
It’s an understandable mistake. We were all wrapped up in the big Tyler Toffoli news that it didn’t matter we traded ???????????, ?????????, ??????, and ???????????. Who cares, they were losers and they weren’t the elusive missing piece that would make the Flames legit contenders. Sorry to whoever we traded, but you’re not the star we needed.
But we should still have respect for the common man, and Tyler Pitlick is a hockey common man. He showed up, did his best, collected his pay cheque, and didn’t make a stink about it. He’s a guy plying his trade and chasing his dream, uprooting his life at any opportunity to follow that path until his body tells him “no more” and he has to spend the rest of his life with residual pain and a slowly diminishing bank account. His fate has never been in his hands; he’s thought of more as “asset” and “$1.95M against the cap” then he is thought of as “human-being.” He is a common man, moved around the league numerous times on paper transactions until there’s a slightly younger version of him and then he disappears.
If you want to get all weepy and romantic about sports, I’d argue that the Tyler Pitlick's of any sport are the best guys to get weepy and romantic about. They are the true dreamers and hard workers. Innately talented enough to be worth a damn, but not gifted enough to be guaranteed a spot anywhere, these are the guys who have to bust their asses every day to even get a chance of playing tomorrow. They have to stay in line with the invisible rules guiding sport lest they be blackballed, keep enough positive relationships with the management figures that only view them as dollars and cents so that they may one day get another job, and remain healthy enough that they can at least offer their services as a mostly well constructed mound of flesh, muscle, and bone. They have to keep this delicate balance for ten years, and one slip up costs them all of it.
The sports common man is truly the one who never takes things for granted and gives it their all. They are, in the purest sense of the idea, what sports are about: human sacrifice and endurance pushed to the maximum. Their reward for it all is being forgotten like 95% of professional sports players are.
We owe it to the common men of sports to at least make sure they don’t get immediately lost to the sands of time. Without further adieu, let’s recall some of our favourite Tyler Pitlick memories as a Flame:
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Okay yeah, he really didn’t do anything. But still, have some respect for him.
Pat Steinberg tweet of the week
by Blake Coleman (@BColes25) Pat Steinberg (@Fan960Steinberg)
Blake hasn’t tweeted since this tweet so instead, the No Frills replacement for Blake Coleman: Pat Steinberg. Thanks, Pat!
Flames Fits I Should Steal This Summer For Nathan's Wedding, Ranked
I get all my style inspiration from a bunch of rural Saskatchewan farmboys
by Floob (@itlooksreal)
If you’re a loyal reader of The ScorchStack (congrats on your solid life choices), I presume you are acutely familiar with every single detail surrounding the lives of the six of us who bring you the content you itch for. From the big ticket news, to the every day minutia, and everything in between, you have an unslakable craving for the goings on of our lives. I know every inner working of Randy Johnson’s day to day, as I hold the former Mariners great in the highest of esteem, so naturally it follows that you do the same for us.
So you’re no doubt aware that our man Nathan is getting hitched this summer, taking the plunge into the Wife Guy pool, after his lovely new fiancé Jess delivered that famous two word reply that will forever alter the course of one’s life.
So, with The ScorchStack heading down the aisle this year, one thing is for certain: it’s wedding season, and I’ve been explicitly forbidden from wearing sweatpants to the celebration. Fair enough, but what is a boy to do?
Thankfully, I have resources for times likes these, some friendly faces to turn to in my time of need, life coaches and mentors who can inspire me, or point me in a helpful direction. You may know them as The Calgary Flames.
Actually, that’s how I know them too.
The Flames are a ragtag assortment of rippling behemoths, many of them classically good looking. Others, well…they’re still in peak physical condition, which I guess is fine. Not for me, but these are trying times. Regardless, there is one thing they all have in common: the Calgary Flames Instagram account always posts pictures of them in game-day suits.
I have perused those posts like they’re my own Pinterest page (do people still use Pinterest???) and after doing minutes of research, I’ve been able to rank the looks of a gaggle of Calgary Flames, with the logical conclusion in play here being that the number one ranked fit is going to be how I arrive on the red carpet at Nathan’s wedding. I assume there is going to be a red carpet for the VIP guests, like myself. Like Kabir. Anyway, let’s break these down.
8. Andrew Mangiapane
Yikes, dude. Andrew Mangiapane tried to sell me office supplies shortly after this photo was taken. He was unsuccessful. He was later seen at his wood paneled desk, eating a cheese sandwich and crying.
7. Sean Monahan
I don’t hate the colour of this jacket, I know Monahan is a broad man, but even still, the cut on this makes it look like he’s wearing shoulder pads to appear wider. Like it’s the dang 80’s. Also, the tie is a little too “and how did you enjoy your stay with us here at the Days Inn?” for my liking. And a toque in the summer? Maybe when I was 22, but I don’t play that way anymore.
6. Chris Tanev
Yeah, okay, so a banana and coffee is an unbeatable combination, but the patterned shirt on patterned tie just implies that I’d be on my way to teach a middle school band class. I don’t want to teach a middle school band class. Hey, Chris Tanev, water and a coffee? Ever heard of a tray, my dude? Take the L. Take the L.
5. Blake Coleman
This one and the Tanev suit are remarkably close, but it gets the edge because I look remarkable in a lavender tie.
4. Matthew Tkachuk
Simple. Clean. Effortlessly casual. A jacket that screams radiance. A tie would simply gum up the works. Matthew Tkachuk can walk into any room and own it. Can I? Remains to be seen!
3. Oliver Kylington
I just like a belt as an accessory, even if it’s not really needed, so Oliver loses some points here for abandoning one, but a skinny tie with a lil snake on it? Delightful. Sign me up. The dark on dark palette really works for Oliver, but you know who it REALLY works for?
2. Trevor Lewis
Rumour has it this car forced its way to be in this picture, just to be seen with Trevor Lewis. It almost took Sean Monahan out at the knees. Trevor Lewis radiates “divorced dad who won full custody of the kids” vibes, and it’s because he wore this suit to family court.
1. Nikita Zadorov
I am going to Nathan’s wedding dressed like a Bond villain, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.
Up Next Week
Probable debates about NHL awards when really all NHL awards are, are ploys for marketing departments and fans to bisect their closest friends over
The Flames play Edmonton next-Monday in a Battle of Alberta. Leave out jugs of milk behind your water heaters to throw at Oiler fans before the game.
We check in Theo Fleury and figure out how much more warped his brain is.