ScorchStack Issue #74 - They Also Suggested "Leaving Forks" On Someone's Yard
This makes sense. What else would you do, leave spoons on their driveway? Nice idea, dipshit
Your Calgary Flames have won 7 games in a row, appear to have three solid scoring lines, and took care of their most pressing need in a big way well before the trade deadline. They have acquired not only a bona fide top six forward who fits in at a myriad of slots in this lineup, but in Tyler Toffoli have also picked up someone who appears to be a bit of a Vibes King. That’s all one guy.
It’s maybe the most fun it’s ever been to be a Flames fan since 2004, and while there is still work to do, it’s not too early to be jazzed about these developments. We’re conditioned - and rightfully so - to expect a trap door to open up at any time and drop us into a never ending pit of despair, so I can understand if you’re a little gun shy on getting your smiles out for this team, but if you ask us, this is a talented crew, and at the risk of sounding like some dork that works for NBC or OLN or wherever he is these days, Calgary Flames fans, get excited.
What’s inside?
Elliotte Friedman, are you the Calgary Flames, because you keep stealing the Scorchstack’s ideas. Mike weighs in with his thoughts, something he has done for years
Rumblings of the Tyler Toffoli trade seemed to pop up in the news for only a short time before they became a reality, but that’s only true if you’re an absolute rube. Konnie explains how this deal has been at the center of Brad Treliving’s Vision Board for quite some time, and outlines the lengths he would go to make it all come true
Nikita Zadorov, you brought this on yourself.
Since last issue
ScorchStack #73 broke the OTHER trade, because that’s just what we do
The Flames played every other good team in the league and beat them handily. Just treated them like they were trash. Because they are trash. Now everyone knows they’re trash
The Big Monday Thing hit newsstands mere hours before the Tyler Toffoli trade, so it’s not mentioned in there at all, and you don’t have to care about it even a little bit
Tyler Toffoli scored a goal using only one leg. Imagine what he could do with two
Mike Thoughts
32 thoughts is too many and also legally we can’t use that many
By Mike(@mikeFAIL)
Folks, he did it again. Mike’s brain avoided further Calgary Flames related decay for yet another week. Now, onto the thoughts that aren’t like Elliotte Friedman’s thoughts but are Mike’s own. Friedman ripped us off.
If you’re waking up from a coma then let me share the news: Tyler Toffoli is a Calgary Flame. It’s been months, and months, and months, and months of fans/analysts/media trying to actualize this reality, and now we get to bask in his glory. Oh yeah, and he scored a goal in his debut.
Everything about this acquisition is the absolute bottom of the barrel, bare minimum required of Brad Treliving. This isn’t to say the deal sucks (it rules, and we’ll get to why in more detail shortly), it’s that Treliving was finally forced to make a big trade in-season. He didn’t do this is in 2018-19 when the Flames were having their best regular season since the Cup Run, and then the team got outplayed, outcoached, and you know the rest.
Does this mean Brad Treliving is finally off the proverbial hot seat he has been on for a few seasons? No, it just buys him a bit more time.
Listen, the luster and impact Treliving brings as a general manager is long gone. His eulogy when he is finally shitcanned will be rich with anger, contempt, and confusion, as he bungled many situations that in hindsight (and at the time) were so obviously daft. The appeal of Treliving was long gone when he hired Bill Peters without an actual modicum of effort beyond “did good at Worlds — you’re hired, Bill.” It was long gone when the team defaulted to using Geoff Ward, a guy who struggled doing anything correctly, like Randy Carlyle trying to use a toaster. It was long gone when he finally convinced Darryl Sutter to leave retirement and feeding his enemies to his pigs so he could return to coaching.
But the team is a juggernaut right now; the goaltending is great; the coach is getting results up and down the roster; somehow Erik Gudbranson and Nikita Zadorov aren’t buried under a barn; and the team just went out and acquired a capable top-six talent. I’ll bite my tongue for now on wanting Treliving banished for good until the end of the season, should the Flames fail monumentally.
Let’s talk about the deal to acquire Tyler Toffoli now:
A 2022 first-round pick, which at first pass is always a bit pricy to give up. Keep in mind every single pick from one through 32 is not worth the same. The pick value from one to 12 are entirely different from 13 through 18, for example. Even if the team were to bow out in the first-round (so help me god) the pick’s value would be incrementally worth less.
Next: the pick is top-10 protected, so barring some calamity where everyone is exploded when the Saddledome flamethrower falls on the bench, the team is at the very most giving up 11th overall. In fact, I don’t even think it’s mathematically possible for the Flames to surrender anything less than 11th or 12th currently.
The 2023 fifth-round pick will likely not amount to anything in terms of win-creation, even though as I write this I fully expect someone to use this pick and draft the second coming of Johnny Gaudreau.
Emil Heineman is a prospect and in Sweden. Would he have come over after this season? I’m not a clairvoyant. Do I care about prospects and prospect analysis that much? No, I have a social life. The Flames European scouts liked him, but I struggle to find the confidence that he would project beyond a bottom sixer in this league. Some folks were more sold on him and you know what that means:
Your favorite team just got a steal. Wow he’s gonna be good. Definitely a star. A superstar? Hey could be. Your team rules.Life moves on, and we’ll either watch the Habs somehow turn him into a God. Or, more like everything that franchise touches lately: he’ll stay in Europe to avoid the years of suffering in store for Montreal.
Tyler Pitlick? Remember when the Flames traded a fourth to Seattle for you and then you precisely did two things: get hurt and do nothing? Remember how I just said that Treliving was off the hot seat for now? Well he’s back on because he wasted so much money this past summer on replacement caliber talent only to have to get rid of it or scratch it now.
Scorchstack had the Tyler Toffoli trade first whether Pat Steinberg wants you to believe otherwise. Here is a timeline of the events:
Noted combless man Elliotte Friedman tweets that there is a rumbling. Also during that time: my stomach rumbling as I was hungry for breakfast.
Scorchstack HQ is abuzz about this. We work the lines with actual sources — I swear this isn’t a bit. We have actual sources. A source outside of Scorchstack identifies a flight booked for Tyler Toffoli later in the day from Montreal to Calgary.
Scorchies review credible information and inform Pat via the Scorchstack - Sportsnet 960 DMs. He responds with “Ha, Really?” and then says nothing.
Pat spends rest of day framing this as a trade that Scorchstack did not have confirmed.
Why tune into Sportsnet when you can tune into The Scorchstack Network (TSN) for honest, in-depth, and well-researched analysis?
Mikael Backlund will play his 800th game this season and it’s entirely possible at this rate -with the help of a very team-friendly deal after his current one expires - that he could suit up for the Flames in 1,000 regular season games.
To be more realistic and grounded: Backlund is simply the best and the journey he has taken from the injuries, to the uncertainty of him sticking at the NHL level, to his underrated status as an analytics darling, to his emergence as a clear top six centre, to captaining Sweden to a World Championship, to where he is now. It’s just a wonderful story.
Without Mikael Backlund, I doubt I ever get into advanced stats and probably abandon hockey completely. He helped introduce me to a different way of approaching this sport, processing results, and influencing how I structure my analysis on a daily basis. Everyone has transformative sports idols. My first was Joe Sakic and his patented wrist shot. Jarome Iginla followed, with his goal scoring prowess and 2004 as a whole.
Giannis put up 50 last night against Indiana. As the only Milwaukee Bucks fan on staff at The Scorchstack Network (TSN), in a sea of 76ers fans, I must say: for the love god give me a rematch in the NBA Final between the Phoenix Suns and Milwaukee. I need another seven game series and I’m willing to accept defeat only if it goes to seven games and Chris Paul gets his ring, finally.
If the Flames bow out in the first-round, I will be exclusively covering the Bucks’ postseason run here for TSN.
If the Bucks and 76ers meet in a second round or a conference final situation, there will be a new Marvel movie coming out called The Scorchstack Network (TSN): Civil War. Please sound off in the comments with who you want to portray us.
Brad Richardson at this point has to be done. I mean, he was already done in terms of being of any value on the ice at the NHL level, but the continued emergence of Adam Ruzicka must be tearing apart the Richardson household. Jessica Szohr must be stewing that she moved to Calgary to watch her husband on Sportsnet Now, toiling in the press box. He has played twice since Szohr tweeted about the service. Richardson has been hit by the Sportsnet Now Curse.
Another Treliving offseason depth signing that has not been good, but at least resulted in us observing the rise of the Sportsnet Now Curse. This issue of the Scorchstack is not sponsored by Sportsnet Now, however we will welcome any opportunity to talk about Sportsnet Now if we are sponsored by Sportsnet Now. Thank you in advanced, Sportsnet.
The Flames will have approximately $870K in cap space at the NHL trade deadline, which is a pittance to work with. It would make sense to bury money or package out money in a deal to add at least another depth forward or third-pairing caliber defenseman. So who could they target as a tangible upgrade or solution to lend additional credence that this team is all-in™?
Connor McDavid could help the Flames’ fourth line and he might cost peanuts at the deadline if the Oilers are on the outside looking in. He isn’t as good as someone like Johnny Gaudreau.
Of Course The Flames Were Going To Trade For Tyler Toffoli
Nothing was going to stop him. Nothing
by Konnie (@Konnie49)
In a “completely unforeseen” move on Monday, the Flames acquired Tyler Toffoli from the Montreal Canadiens in exchange for a bunch of picks and a bunch of prospects (ed note: Tyler Pitlick looks like a prospect from about 80 feet away). It is a great deal for the Flames, who are loading up by getting a fantastic play driver signed for 2 more years after this one. Exactly what they needed to get this trade deadline. It’s a perfect deal, really.
Too perfect.
You see, fellow reader, it has been obvious for years that Tyler Toffoli was a target for the Flames. Treliving himself said that he had wanted the player since he was working for the Arizona Coyotes, trying to draft him in 2010 before LA took him right under Brad’s nose. Toffoli was his target all along, and there was nothing that could stop him from getting him on his hockey team.
Nothing.
In fact, once he became the GM of the Calgary Flames, he continued his life’s goal of pursuing this player. Which leads us to the 2020 trade deadline. The Kings, after stealing Toffoli way from Treliving all those years ago, were finally willing to move the player. This was his chance. He would finally get his man. Tyler Toffoli would be a Flame, the missing piece they needed!
Except, it was not to be. That bastard Jim Benning got him first.
How could he? Stole him from right under Brad’s nose. With Toffoli producing well in the bubble for the Canucks, our hero knew that the player he once adored was gone forever. Surely Toffoli would get a deal to keep him in Vancouver, and there would never be another chance acquire him again.
As such, Treliving had but one option left. He had to call in a favour from his old friends in the desert to help him in his time of need.
May I remind you now that Oliver Ekman-Larsson was a player that the Vancouver Canucks coveted prior to the summer of 2021, when they managed to pry him out of Arizona? In fact, Jim Benning put all his efforts into acquiring OEL the offseason before, trying desperately before Arizona pulled the plug on any potential deal, with the player remaining a Coyote for another year.
How did the lovable former GM of the Vancouver Canucks get so infatuated with the Coyotes defenseman in the first place? What does this have to do with Toffoli? I hear your questions, but I counter them with this: Why was Oliver Ekman-Larsson made available in the first place?
Yes, that is right. The hero of our story had convinced his former team that OEL should be dealt to Vancouver, and to give them a short window of time, so as to not distract poor ol’ Jim. OEL was heavily rumoured to have two teams interested in him, Boston and Vancouver, but that just a tale told to Jim so that he would not stray from the goal. Jim was to pursue Ekman-Larsson, at all costs.
What costs they were. Due to his new found obsession, Jim was not able to keep his attention on the more dire needs of the Canucks, mainly the trio of UFAs that had been so crucial to the team’s success: Jacob Markstrom, Chris Tanev and the big one, Tyler Toffoli.
Jim was too busy to negotiate with them, he had his sights on making the biggest trade of his life and couldn’t be bothered with answering any other calls. Enter Brad Treliving, swooping in to secure his prize. He got two thirds of the way there, getting Markstrom and Tanev to agree to wear the Flaming C with relative ease, and all he had to is get the last- WHAT DO YOU MEAN TOFFOLI SIGNED IN MONTREAL? FOR ONLY $4.5 MILLION?????
Our hero is furious. This can’t be! This was the plan all along, how could that sex-criminal drafting scum in Montreal steal Toffoli away? This could not stand, after all the planning that was done to get his moment, only to have it stolen away.
This would have been the end for our hero. With most of his pursuits, all of Treliving’s efforts would amount to nothing.
”Not this time,” Bradley said.
While he would chase another dream target in Jack Eichel, it was all smoke and mirrors for what he was really trying to pursue. Treliving knew he would get Toffoli by any means necessary, no matter the costs he would have to pay, or they would have to pay.
The Canadiens went to the finals, finding themselves especially banged up from the run? Let’s keep it that way. Shea Weber’s foot will be so far gone there will be no way he will ever return. Carey Price’s knee specialist was kidnapped and held in the basement of the Saddledome. Jesperi Kotkaniemi’s offer sheet in Carolina was written up by Brad himself and submitted to Don Waddell, under the threat of blackmail known only to the them. Waddell knows what he did. Treliving even made sure that Jake Allen would not see more than a week of action at a time, rendering him unavailable to play for most of the season for the Canadiens.
The Habs, undone by the wrath of Bradley, have suffered through the worst year they have ever experienced in their 112 year existence. (ed note: probably) So much suffering that the Canadiens fired him, and hired a new GM that Treliving could easily manipulate into completing the final stage of his ultimate goal.
And just as you start to hear rumblings of other teams interested in Tyler Toffoli, Brad Treliving finally executed the deal to get the player he has so desperately wanted, one he was willing to doom the future of two separate franchises to acquire. He received his man and already it has started to pay off.
Brad Treliving is not a man to be reckoned with. Once he finally put his foot down, there was no stopping him. Just a shame he didn’t have the same drive when acquiring Mark Stone, but hey, at least Vegas wasn’t pursuing Toffoli.
Things The Scorchies Can Do Instead Of Going To A Game
Thank you Nikita Zadorov for doxing yourself
by Ramz (@ramzreboot)
As many of you know, the Scorchies were supposed to have our first ever Annual General Meeting at the Flames - Kraken game back on December 23rd. The date was perfect, it was right around the holidays, some of us had time off from work already, Mike was going to come down from Edmonton, Floob was going to come down from wherever he lives. Nothing could have ruined the evening.
Except for the entire team getting COVID-19 and needing to postpone a few games.
The NHL rescheduled the game for this Saturday, the 19th, which worked out horribly for the Scorchies, as the Flames have lifted the vaccine requirement to attend games at the Saddledome, and hey, look around you to see if that was a good idea. Thankfully, we are getting our money back. But now, the Scorchies need to figure out a way to spend our evening in a way that isn’t attending the Flames game.
Here are some ideas.
TP-ing Nikita Zadorov’s house
Thankfully for us, Nikita Zadorov unknowingly doxed himself. He posted this photo:
Thanks to Scorchie Konnie’s investigative work, we found his exact address which I will not post how we found out so you don’t steal our ideas. While Zadorov and his entire family are at the game on Saturday, we will go TP his house. Thankfully, WikiHow has a page dedicated to this.
Leaving forks at Nikita Zadorov’s house
On that same WikiHow site, they suggested also “leaving forks” in someone’s yard.
This is apparently just sticking forks prongs up in someone’s yard. In this case, it’s Zadorov’s house. Here’s what WikiHow said to do:
“If you want to fork someone, assign the job to one person in your crew, because it can take a while to do right. try to line them up as straight and as uniform as possible for the maximum effect.”
I think I would trust Floob most at forking Zadorov.
Saran wrap Nikita Zadorov’s house
Look, you may be asking “Why do you want to destroy Zadorov’s house so bad?” To that I say “This is the only Flames address we have confirmed,” and we obviously need to do all these pranks on a player’s house.
Anyways, I found on a forum from 2002 that saran wrapping a house is a thing people did in 2002. So we can do that.
Someone in that same forum wrote “I hear putting a humidifier and a dehumidifier next to each other will blow up the entire lawn ;)” so we will not be doing that.
Decorating Nikita Zadorov’s house in Christmas decorations
Let’s go all out. I’m willing to spend one thousand dollars on this. It’s funny because it’s February.
Set a bunch of garden gnomes on Nikita Zadorov’s lawn
Just fill their house with a bunch of garden gnomes.
Put lawn fertilizer on Nikita Zadorov’s lawn
Just something nice :)
IDK go to a bar or something
I guess we could do that.
Yesterday’s newspaper at Nikita Zadorov’s house I guess?
This website called Prank Ideas Central said to put yesterday’s paper on Zadorov’s step, which I don’t know, it seems fine I guess. Look, if your website is all about practical jokes, I have to believe you know what you’re talking about. Although I think this is a much more convoluted plan in that you do this every day for like six months and really mess with them. Just gaslight them into thinking they’re insane and don’t know how to read dates.
That’s all the activities I got, let us know if you try any of these at Nikita Zadorov’s house.
Tyler Toffoli News Update
tyler toffoli news update
by Floob (@itlooksreal)
Tyler Toffoli is cool.
Up Next Week
Still unsatisfied with the makeup of his team, Brad Treliving goes back down the trade well and makes a deal to acquire your mom.
Dan Vladar, power hungry after winning his first start in like a month or whatever, kidnaps Jacob Markstrom and hides him in his tree house. Markstrom escapes easily, returns to the team, and Vladar gets over it, and everyone is best friends again.
The Calgary Flames lose a game. Just kidding, no they don’t