ScorchStack Issue #61 - He is not Jarome Iginla. Huge flaw on his part
It doesn't matter who we're talking about, they're not Jarome Iginla.
Jack Eichel. Jack Eichel. Jack Eichel. [Loud crowd gathering and chanting outside] Jack Eichel. Jack Eichel. Jack Eichel.
What’s inside?
We’re gatekeeping Andrew Mangiapane by gaslighting you into thinking he’s bad - written by girlboss Ramz
The Flames forwards have been humming to start the season, but how can we make them even better?
Jack Eichel -per sources- will have three months of nothing to do in Calgary- here’s some ideas for him to pass the time.
Since last issue
ScorchStack issue #60- good hockey teams, handsome hockey players, and a perplexing hockey mystery were all covered within the Diamond issue of ScorchStack.
Everyone’s talking about Season 2 of Big Monday Thing- the ratings are off the chart!
The Flames won two more games but then lost one in overtime. We will not sully the name of Jacob Markström, it simply happened because he felt a shred of mercy for his opponents.
In another case of metaphors from other sports applied poorly to hockey, the long-awaited Jack Eichel trade is on the one-yard line. The hangup is that neither the Flames nor the Knights want to give Buffalo what they want, which seems like a lot further than one yard. Ah well, nevertheless.
Why Mangiapane is actually bad and you shouldn't want him on your team
It's time to gatekeep and gaslight.
by Ramz (@ramzreboot)
It’s a new season, meaning it’s “Leafs fans thinking they will get every single underrated player in the world” season. The latest to fall victim to this is Andrew Mangiapane.
I actually noticed this started back during the Worlds earlier this year where he dominated for Team Canada — which was great but personally was bad for me seeing other fans of other teams start to realize this guy is good. We, as Flames fans, need to come together to gatekeep Mangiapane. Let’s talk about how awful he is. That’s where I come in.
I’m here to tell you he sucks and is bad. Yeah, he already has like a million goals this season and is practically on pace with Alex Ovechkin, but you’ve gotta dig deeper than that. So here are reasons why Andrew Mangiapane is actually bad and why people wouldn’t want him on their teams.
He is not Jarome Iginla
Huge flaw on his part.
He had no points prior to 2018
Mangiapane was drafted in 2015, yet had no points until the 2018-19 season. Seems like a guy who could fall off the wagon at any time. No, don’t look up when he first came into the NHL.
His draft
Mangiapane wasn’t drafted until the sixth round. As we know, nobody good ever comes from later rounds, especially not the sixth round. No, don’t look that up either.
He also missed his first draft-eligible year, meaning he’s not very convincing.
He is Italian
Pretty straight-forward.
He’s a liar
Mangiapane’s height is listed as 5’10”. However, he is like an inch taller than Johnny Gaudreau, and I did my own investigation (on my old Twitter account which is suspended RIP), and I determined that Gaudreau is actually 5’6 3/4”. This means that Mangiapane is no taller than 5’8”, meaning he’s a liar.
His last name
There are many flaws with his last name. First, it translates to “eat bread” in Italian. This is very offensive to people who have a gluten intolerance. Secondly, it’s very long which is rude to me for having to keep typing it in this piece and I kept typing it as Mangiapage every time and I had to go back and correct it. Yes, it’s his fault. Also, his last name is very long, so ordering letters for his jersey will take extra time and resources. Something something capitalism supply chain something something.
Junior team
Mangiapane’s junior team was the Barrie Colts. Barrie is a piece of shit town. Pretty embarrassing on his part.
Bad friend
Look at this:
He does not protect his teammates from embarrassing moments like this. He’s a bad friend and a bad leader.
Started balding at 19
I came here after doing some research to try and prove that people see bald men as less trustworthy, but all I found was a study done where they found that apparently people psychologically view bald men as dominant leaders. Please ignore this point, thank you.
These are all the points why you shouldn’t want Mangiapane on your team. Please share these facts with a Leafs fan in your life.
Where do the Flames forwards go from here?
I promise this article isn't just a very long way to say trade for Eichel
by Nathan (@hanoten)
It’s bewildering to think that the first month of play has gone so well, but here we are in November watching the home team sport a 6-1-1 record sitting near the top of the Western Conference as of Monday night when I wrote this because I am busy hosting trivia Tuesday nights (ed. note- they are now 6-1-2).
It’s hard to really critique them either, as for the most part they actually look like they should be winning the games they have. They control play, they’re thriving under the Sutter System, and they haven’t trailed. That being said, this won’t last forever. That isn’t to say we should start souring on the hot start, but it does beg the question as to what happens when there is a misstep?
They’ve been able to swap out a few pieces in the backend so far with good results, thanks to Noah Hanifin’s minor injury and whatever is going on with Juuso Välimäki. However, since Tyler Pitlick came into the lineup, the forwards have remained largely untouched, and that definitely won’t last. So what can we expect for changes moving forward?
The way I see it, there are four paths to expect next from the Flames, but only one is really worth talking about.
Option one - Eventually the Brad Richardsons will get to play
This seems a little obvious. Sutter went out and got a whole bunch of Sutter guys in the offseason, and even if he isn’t going to play all of them equally all the time (see: Zadorov, Nikita), you have to imagine they will get played eventually. Hell, even #NoMingue didn’t come to be last season.
Richardson is the odd man out right now, presumably due to the injury in the preseason and that there’s been no need to fix what isn’t broken. Eventually, he will come in to be the 4C we all expected, but what’s the tweak that will (or should) happen?
Right now, I would estimate that six of the forwards are safe from coming out, barring injury. Elias Lindholm, Johnny Gaudreau, and Matthew Tkachuk are one of the hottest lines of the season, with the superstars truly playing like it. Even with some upset with Tkachuk’s allegedly-slow start, the line doesn’t function as well without what he’s doing in my opinion, and he leads the team in xGF% because he’s actually been fantastic even if the points haven’t come yet. Add in the dynamic duo that Mikael Backlund and Blake Coleman have formed and Andrew Mangiapane’s breakout season, that secures half the spots.
While not being locks, I would also wager that Dillon Dubé and Milan Lucic are also safe. I think it’s very likely that Dubé gets shifted to the wing before he gets scratched, but the two have done what Sutter has asked and more or less shown results. You’d like to see a better defensive presence from Dubé, but it hasn’t been bad enough to be scratched. Lucic is slower than molasses, but as long as teams bizarrely keep giving him the time to do what he wants, he’s been effective under Sutter despite his albatross-sized contact.
That leaves Tyler Pitlick, Trevor Lewis, Brett Ritchie, and Sean Monahan. The leftovers from duos that are working (Dubé-Mangiapane, Backlund-Coleman) and what has essentially become the fourth line depth, even if the word is that this is just until Monahan gets back up to speed. Even if he does, do you bump him up the lineup? And that’s if he gets back up to speed. I don’t think Sutter is above giving Monahan some time in the press box.
However, I’m getting ahead of myself. Looking at how these four have played combined with how they’re filling the roles they’re supposed to don’t exactly shine a spotlight on how needs to be taken out, which has helped with the whole 6-1-1 thing. Hell, Pitlick hasn’t even been on the ice for a goal against this season so far, clearly not being the worst possible option, though not the best by any means either.
Side note: it is worth mentioning that Coleman also hasn’t been on the ice for a goal against yet this season, and at 5v5 that rings true for Tkachuk and Gaudreau as well. +/- is dumb and this isn’t that, but it feels pretty special. This team is defensively sound as hell right now, finishing October with only eight goals against at 5v5, with only Carolina doing better, and it isn’t all due to Jacob Markström.
Getting back on track, who would be benched? Of the four listed, none have an xG higher than 1.0. Only Ritchie is both hitting and shooting on the regular, which you have to believe Darryl is looking for. However, he’s also got the worst chart on Evolving Hockey, the definitive measure of all analysis.
There isn’t a spectacular option to keep, nor is there one to bench. If Darryl wants to just keep a fire to the 12th forward - similar to the “If you play well, you play. If you don’t, you don’t” justification he gave last weekend with the defence - then any of those four can probably just be slotted in and out with Richardson until anything bigger is needed.
(ed. note: By writing this Monday night, it seemed inevitable that someone would get dinged up during last night’s game. Apologies to Brett Ritchie)
Option two - Call someone up from the minors who will actually shine
Sure, it’s fine enough if no one is a big enough liability to get benched or demoted. But what if someone on the Heat could use this as their chance to prove they belong?
I’d explore this option seriously but it’s gonna be Glenn Gawdin or Walker Duehr over someone like Matthew Phillips and I don’t need to get worked up over nothing right now. They’re not going to do this. If they do, everyone owes Floob $20, and even then he probably won’t shut up about it.
Option three - Trade for Jack Eichel
Can this happen already? Even if it’s not the Flames? I’m so tired. If this happens then all bets are off because it’s a fun game of plug the holes until Eichel can play. You’ll get more content then.
Option four - Just keep doing this
If it worked for October, which it clearly did, then let’s just ride this until April. Hockey’s dumb, start saying thank you instead of asking why.
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Ten things Jack Eichel can do in Calgary while recovering from surgery
A handy ScorchStack guide for new Calgary residents with slipped disks
By Tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
Jack Eichel is on an airplane right now to Calgary as we speak (sources confirmed with me, pending calls), but he’s got two problems. Number one is famously his neck, but that should be solved soon now that he’s free to do whatever he wants to it.
Problem number two is that he’s going to have to do three to four more months of not playing hockey. Bad news for someone who is a hockey player. The good news is that he’s in Calgary, Alberta now (don’t tell me something silly like “he’ll probably be in Boston.” Shut up.) and has a brand new city to explore. Thankfully, Scorchstack is here to help guide our new #15 or #99 (whichever he chooses) to life in our sprawling metropolis.
Don’t go downtown and look at the Calgary Tower.
Yes, it’s a pretty unique building and one of our defining landmarks. But you have to crank your neck all the way back to admire the height of it! A recovering artificial disc shouldn’t be put to the stress test that quickly. Stay away from activities that require you to do that. In fact, don’t gawk at any of our big empty buildings, hubris-filled monuments to the idea that things would always be this good. Your neck is needed for hockey.
Watch Calgary Flames games
I suppose you’ll be required to do that anyway, but always worth checking out. Maybe Darryl will let you have a beer, but I think you’ll have to pay for it. You’ll be in the press box too, so your neck will be at a more comfortable angle, just hope there are no fast end-to-end plays. Try to strike up a conversation with Michael Stone or something.
Eat at every single Canadian Pizza Unlimited location
A Calgary classic! Their website tells me that there are 21 of them in Calgary. 21 slices of the worst-best pizza you’ve ever had in your life? And for only three dollars a slice ($4.50 with a pop)? That’s just a budget- and taste-conscious decision. You’ll be spreading this out over three to four months, so the amount of grease you’re putting in your body is negligible in the long run.
They’re spread out from all the way north of the airport to the far south of Cranston, a neighbourhood that I, a lifelong Calgary resident, just learned existed. You’ll probably learn so much about your new home from going to each individual CPU.
Check out a number of our museums
Wait never mind, this didn’t turn out so well for our last big trade acquisition. Never go to a museum ever.
Check out all the Moxies in Calgary
This is always the better option. Apparently, there are only three left in Calgary, I remember them being much more popular way back in the day. They’re the last of a dying breed, see them while you can.
Try and find all those cow statues that were all around Calgary in like 1999
Remember those? Only real Calgary heads do. For those that don’t, there were a bunch of cow statues that were painted in pretty wacky ways and 126 of them were spread around downtown (yes, we are a world-class city). They’re still around somewhere, but spread all over the place. I know someone managed to get one on their balcony in Mission. Can you find the rest of them?
Check out the giant blue ring
Everyone finds this funny for some reason.
Peter’s Drive-In
I guess a lot of these are food-related, but to be fair, what else are you supposed to do when a very important part of your body is healing besides eating? Going to Peter’s is a Calgary tradition, even though Boogie’s is right on Edmonton Trail and is vastly superior. They don’t make their employees wear scrubs (what’s up with that?)
Don’t check out the library.
Yes, it’s a very cool piece of architecture, conveniently located downtown, and full of information, but I think this falls into the same category “museums” does. Never attempt to look smart in this city. Just play hockey.
I don’t know
I guess just enjoy that you’re not in Buffalo? There really isn’t that much to do here.
Up Next Week
Jack Eichel
Jack Eichel
Jack Eichel