ScorchStack Issue #124 - Kevin ‘the roons’ Rooney: Like
Coming up on the Roonsiversary and isn't that nice
Hello, readers. It’s been a minute, and thankfully nothing much has happened. Why don’t you tell us what you’ve been doing during the playoffs? We’re going to leave a little space here for you to tell us, and then we’ll get on with the issue.
Wow, that sounds great/sorry to hear that! Anyway, Scorchstack time.
What’s inside?
We are unveiling the summer series that we are going to write about all summer and every time we do, you’re gonna be like oh yeah that totally checks that is the exact amount of Calgary Flames content I would like during the same thanks
Insider Tibs after getting some important phone calls breaks down some of the most appealing trade options for the Flames in regards to Noah Hanifin
After taking some time away to work on her anti-Italian stances by visiting Italy, Ramz returns refreshed and with a new perspective on the team, providing a complete wrap-up on the 2022-23 season
Since last issue
The Flames signed Clark Bishop.
Oh, also Iggy is back.
Introducing the Scorchstack Summer Project: Forever A Real One
The summer project is gonna be a.......scorcher
by Nathan (@hanoten)
Let’s be honest here for a second, after that second day of free agency (and even that’s a stretch) it can be difficult to constantly talk about the Calgary Flames when they aren’t playing (can’t even imagine caring about the NHL at large) and especially when the weather is nice and there are perfect music festivals like Sled Island happening.
However, we at Scorchstack are taking the time-honoured tradition of having our own little project that will force us to talk about guys on the regular. We are also continuing our tradition of showing the Flames what it would be like if we ran them.
We are all familiar with the Forever A Flame nonsense, where important players are kind-of-but-not-actually retired in a weird display that has tiered categories for honourifics.
Does it make sense that Al MacInnis and Joe Nieuwendyk are Forever A Flamed when Mike Vernon is retired? No, absolutely not. So how do we make Forever A Flame better?
Simple, if someone is metaphorically Forever A Flame, they should be burned into our hearts with how endearing they were. They should be Forever A Real One.
Otherwise, it’s totally based on our feelings and nothing else. Are they still playing for the Flames? Not going to disqualify them, but they’d truly have to be a real one. Moved on from the team? Hey, whatever. They were on our worst Flames ever list but someone had a personal story? That’s between them and their personal story.
We will be unveiling our Top 15 Forever A Real Ones over the summer, with a few rules: they cannot be someone who was already Forever A Flamed or Retired (sorry Iggy). And we had one instance of a vote come in for a player who never actually played for the Flames, but thankfully he didn’t crack the Top 15 so we didn’t need to make a rule.
We’ll unveil the first player next week, but until then, here are the honourable mentions: folks who got a vote but didn’t quite rank high enough.
Forever A Real One: Honourable Mentions
Akim Aliu, Barry Brust, Blair Jones, Chris Butler (ramz has a personal story), Chris Clark, Dave Lowry, David Moss, David Rittich, David Wolf, Deryk Engellend, Ed Beers (his name is Ed Beers), Henrik Karlsson, Jamie Lundmark, Joe Colborne (so hot), Lance Bouma, Matthew Lombardi, Matthew Tkachuk, Michael Nylander, Micheal Ferland, Mike Cammalleri, Nigel Dawes, Raphael Diaz, Rene Bourque, Robyn Regehr, Roman Červenka, Roman Horák, Sam Bennett, Stephane Yelle, Steve Reinprecht, Tim Hunter (ramz again has a personal story), Valeri Bure, Ville Niemenen, Zarley Zalapski.
Some more realistic Noah Hanifin trade packages
Real hockey analysis
by Tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
Once again, the Flames are in a much talked about, potentially franchise-altering offseason. Seven guys one year away from UFA, can’t sign ‘em all, some non-committal answers, high-value pieces that can be dangled, you’ve heard it all before.
Elias Lindholm has already had his pretty little head run through the trade proposal ringer, now it’s Noah Hanifin’s turn. The other part of the Dougie Hamilton trade has leaned back towards not returning to Calgary, and the Flames suddenly have another juicy trade chip on their hands.
It’s been a wild week of fake rumours, real rumours, crazy proposals, and down-to-earth proposals. As leaders in Flames discourse, Scorchstack simply has to throw our hat in the ring and give you our Noah Hanifin trade proposals.
To Seattle: Noah Hanifin
To Calgary: 2023 first (20th overall), 2023 second (50th overall), Jagger Firkus
Beginning our trade is a potentially controversial one. With the Kraken on the upswing, and the Flames looking to bounce back into a playoff spot, what sense does it make to trade a good defender, surely a top-pairing guy, to a divisional opponent?
But you have to figure that the Kraken see the Vegas Golden Knights and can’t help but cash in early to get Lord Stanley’s Cup. With plenty of assets on hand, you feel that they’re going to start splurging soon. While they had an exciting ride last year, the amount of picks and prospects that they’ve accumulated makes them open for business to push their team to the next level.
Enter the Flames, who have surplus NHL players but lack prospect and pick depth. In one fell swoop, the Flames can secure the next few years to come while making the most of an expiring asset. In return, the Flames get two Top 50 picks and one from the year before, adding a major boost to a pretty thin prospect pipeline.
To Pittsburgh: Noah Hanifin
To Calgary: The rights to the 1991 and 1992 Stanley Cups
Every GM wants to win a Stanley Cup, much less two Stanley Cups. But what if they could add two titles to the organization before their official first game in charge?
Craig Conroy is an out-of-the-box thinker, so this might be an option he considers. The Penguins have since won three Stanley Cups since the original two in 1991 and 92, rendering them replaceable. The first set were against Jeremy Roenick (loser) and the Minnesota North Stars (not a real team), so you can see why the Penguins might be talked into it.
While many will debate whether it’s right for the Penguins to trade in two titles for Noah Hanifin, but they are in win-now mode with Crosby, Malkin, and Letang going for their last dance, and the amount of Stanley Cups they could win with Noah Hanifin is potentially more than two, perhaps even three. Can’t think of an easier transaction on Earth.
To Vancouver: Noah Hanifin, 2023 3rd round pick
To Calgary: J.T. Miller, Elias Pettersson, Brock Boeser, Andrei Kuzmenko, Conor Garland, Anthony Beauvillier, Vasiliy Podkolzin, Nils Åman, Dakota Joshua, Phillip Di Giuseppe, Sheldon Dries, Jack Studnicka, Vitali Kravtsov, Quinn Hughes, Tyler Myers, Filip Hronek, Guillaume Brisebois, Kyle Burroughs (UFA rights), Thatcher Demko, Colin Delia (UFA rights), Ilya Mikheyev, Travis Dermott (RFA), Tanner Pearson, Tucker Poolman, Ethan Bear (RFA), Jonathan Lekkerimäki, Aidan McDonaugh, Linus Karlsson, Max Sasson, Karel Plášek, Josh Bloom, Aatu Räty, Danila Klimovich, Arshdeep Bains, Carson Focht (RFA), Nils Hoglander (RFA), Justin Dowling (UFA rights), John Stevens (UFA rights), Cole McWard, Filip Johansson, Elias Pettersson (defenceman), Kirill Kudryavtsev, Jack Rathbone, Jett Woo, Christian Wolanin, Akito Hirose (10.2 UFA), Noah Juulsen (UFA G6), Brady Keeper (UFA rights), Mikita Talapila, Arturs Silovs, Spencer Martin, Jackson Dorrington, Lucas Forsell, Hugo Gabrielsson, Daimon Gardner, Lukáš Jašek, Joni Jurmo, Aku Kosenvuo, Jackson Kunz, Jack Malone, Artyom Manukyan, Viktor Persson, Matthew Thiessen, Jacob Truscott, Ty Young, Dmitry Zhukenov, Dmitri Zlodeyev, every single pick the Canucks have for the next three years, and future considerations
“Tibs!” you say, “that’s every single asset the Vancouver Canucks own, even guys on their reserve list that I’m not sure their management even know about! This is a ridiculous trade proposal!”
And normally, I would agree with you. However, it is my opinion that the Canucks are the stupidest morons on the planet and they will actually make this trade. They’re such stupid morons that they probably don’t even realize that Calgary doesn’t have a third-rounder this year (balances the trade out). I’ve included a potential negotiation to prove my point:
Jim Benning (I think he still works there): Mr. Conroy, I would give everything for Noah Hanifin!
Craig Conroy: Hmmmmmmm…….. how about your entire team?
Jim Benning: D’oh! I should have never said I would give everything! Now I have to do this trade! I truly am the stupidest moron on the planet!
So basically, the Canucks will do this trade. They are not a well-run hockey franchise, in my expert hockey opinion!
I will have to point out that this proposal does come with a few complications, such as the Flames being $75,805,417 over the cap and at least one or two contracts over the 50-contract maximum. However, they have until the regular season to sort it out, so they can make things work.
To Nashville: Noah Hanifin
To Calgary: The Bridgestone Arena
Look, even with the UCP government, we’re still not certain where this new arena thing is. Perhaps trading for another team’s arena isn’t that far-fetched, just as an insurance policy. If things turn south for the fifteenth time, well the Flames will still have a new arena and the taxpayers save a few bucks.
How will this work logistically? Well, I think you would have to get at least a few of those house-moving truck, perhaps at least three of them. Additionally, if the Flames want to squeeze the last few years of life out of the Saddledome, they could arrange to have the Predators mail the arena to them bit by bit. From experience, if you sign up with a business account, you could save a lot of money on shipping. Worst case scenario, ship it by USPS media mail and hope no one asks what’s inside.
One word to describe each player this season
This is a very serious article
by ramz (@ramzreboot)
The season ended months ago but I couldn’t be bothered to do anything since then. It’s literally summer, you can’t pay me to care about hockey.
But hey, Mr. Scorch doesn’t pay me the big bucks to sit on my ass all day. It’s now time to get to work and earn that paycheck! *taps ear piece* What’s that? I’m not getting paid? Sorry, didn’t realize I was still at FlamesNation.
Here is one word (or term in some cases) to describe each player and/or coach/management this season. This is going in no particular order, just whatever I feel like when I Google “Calgary Flames 2022-23 roster” because I’ve already forgotten everything about this season.
Nazem Kadri: Skate
Nazem Kadri is a great skater, so he gets that word. You may be asking, “Ramz, why don’t you just give him the word skater then?” And to that, I say please stop asking me questions, what am I, the freaking president?
Elias Lindholm: Fast
Lindholm is a great two-way skater, and he’s also fast!
Ryan Huska: Burn
Before he became an assistant coach with the Flames, he was the head coach of their AHL affiliate, the Stockton Heat (before they relocated to Calgary). Wow, heat! That’s gotta burn! So he gets that.
Nick Desimone: Ice
He plays on ice!
Jonathan Huberdeau: Shoot
Always yelling “Shoot!” at this guy!
Trevor Lewis: Pass
He’s a great passer! I’m always saying this about him.
Brett Ritchie: Check tight
He sure checks tight alright! I think! I don’t know much about him!
Darryl Sutter: Sutter
It’s Sutter.
Jacob Markström: Looking Good
He’s very hot and he looks good.
Blake Coleman: Right
He shoots right.
Chris Tanev: 1989
He was born in 1989.
Dustin Wolf: Hype
Lots of hype around this young goaltender. Awoooooooo.
Milan Lucic: Hit ‘em
He loves fighting and hitting people!
Nikita Zadorov: With that
He always wears nice suits/clothes on game days, so he is “with it”.
Andrew Mangiapane: Good
He’s a good hockey player!
Jakob Pelletier: Gaudreau
He’s listed as being 5’9”, just like Johnny Gaudreau.
Nick Ritchie: Going
He is most likely not re-signing here, so he is “going” away.
Dan Vladař: Glove side
He’s a goalie and players go glove side on him.
Craig Conroy: 2004
He played with the team in 2004 and now he’s the GM! Wow!
Tyler Toffoli: It was in
In January, Tyler Toffoli had a goal turned over after they ruled there was a kicking motion. But we don’t agree. It was in! That’s something I just came up with. Tyler dis-allowed-goal-i.
Radim Zohorna: We know
Sure.
Walker Duehr: That’s Right
He also shoots right!
Michael Stone: Big
He’s big!
Connor Mackey: Bad
He’s bad!
Mikael Backlund: Backlund
It’s Backlund!
Troy Stecher: Got
The Flames ‘got’ him from Arizona.
Adam Ružička: A backhand
I’m sure he’s got a good backhand shot!
Kevin ‘the roons’ Rooney: Like
We like this guy!
Mackenzie Weegar: Gudbranson
Gudbranson left at the end of last season, but he played with Zadorov quite a bit, which is who Weegar played with this season primarily. Oo weeee oo.
Matthew Coronato: When
We keep saying when! When is this guy becoming an NHL regular!
Dennis Gilbert: He
His pronouns are he/him.
Matthew Phillips: Scrappin
He’s short and scrappy! He’s scrappin!
Noah Hanifin: Noah Hanifin
It’s Noah Hanifin.
Rasmus Andersson: and Andersson
Last but not least, it’s Andersson!
Up Next Week
We send the Scorchstack marketing team to Vancouver, Toronto, and other cities to see if they are interested in a lightly-used but still valuable Milan Lucic.
Scorchie kickball team is around the corner so we design Scorchie baseball tees if that is something you want to buy from us? Let us know.