ScorchStack Issue #123 - Jumping up and down and screaming “Party Til We Die”
Scorchstack is ScorchBACK baybeeeee
Hello, readers. It’s been a minute, and thankfully nothing much has happened. Why don’t you tell us what you’ve been doing during the playoffs? We’re going to leave a little space here for you to tell us, and then we’ll get on with the issue.
Wow, that sounds great/sorry to hear that! Anyway, Scorchstack time.
What’s inside?
We cancelled the Scorchstack vacation cause there was news. Tibs himself is in Japan and yet he gives you a lot of thoughts of Craig Conroy
Nathan talks about another CSEC team that has been a lot more fun lately
Ramz wrote a piece a while ago when there will still eight teams to cheer for in the playoffs. Now there are only three but we’re not depriving you of her work
Since last issue
Eh, a lot
Various, unorganized Craig Conroy and Craig Conroy-adjacent thoughts
or are the Calgary Flames a legitimate enterprise?
by tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
Hello, reader. I am currently on vacation in Japan, a nation situated 7,000 km away from the Calgary Flames and thus 7,000 km away from hockey things I care about. I am here to look at the wonderful, numerous art museums, but I have been called back to service because the Flames did something and I had a lot of thoughts about it. Apologies to the Tokyo Museum of Contemporary Art, I was fleshing this out instead of paying attention to your collections.
This was a Flames season heavy on the capital-D discourse, and that means we get slogans. “Stop trying to re-capture the 2004 magic” was the (paraphrased) line of a lot of people who pat themselves on the back for coming up with lines that they love repeating but don’t like thinking through fully. I’m not quite sure what the 2004 line meant, but probably that the team was literally trying to recreate 2004 by having Darryl Sutter behind the bench because the only thing ownership clings to is their only taste of success in 20 years. A lot of those people have seemingly gone quiet in the wake of the Craig Conroy hiring, which is super interesting to me personally, as his hiring is exactly some recapturing 2004 magic shit.
To be blunt, Craig Conroy is not the strongest candidate in the field. There are smarter guys and more experienced guys, but Conroy knows Flames ownership and he was a key part of the 2004 run, pretty much beyond criticism from any Flames fan. Conroy has many qualities, but this is one of the main reasons he was hired and it’s a little shocking that no one has said anything about it.
I don’t expect to ever have good, productive arguments with dipshit Flames fans, but isn’t this exactly what you didn’t want? The organization to go back to a familiar face just because he is a familiar face? Why is this a good move to you when you spent all of last season getting mad about these sorts of moves? Conroy has never been a GM, and has operated in the opaque assistant GM role for long enough under multiple regimes that there’s not a lot to say about whether he’s what this team needs or he’s just a fan favourite getting a job.
Let’s look at Martin Gelinas, also beloved by Flames fans. He was an assistant coach under Bob Hartley, running some dog-ass special teams units. He was not fired like anyone else with that performance would be, he was quietly moved to an eyes-in-the-sky coaching role, and has since been moved to a vague role of “player development.” He will never get fired, he will just move on through the org collecting paycheques until he doesn’t want to anymore.Conroy is in a more consequential position, one where you can’t be hidden in some office where no one can see you and no fans can criticize your work. You’ve seen what happens when someone from the 2004 cast gets put into a role and it doesn’t work out, are you really willing to bet on it again?
Did Conroy say a bunch of the right things in the press conference? You know he did. Does it matter? I don’t know, it comes straight off the heels of Don Maloney saying that he was looking for a “young, progressive GM” then interviewing a whole murderer’s row of morons, dipshits, dunderheads, dinosaurs, sex-pest enablers, 200 Hockey Men, retreads, and scumbags. Then he went with the guy we all expected to get the job in the first place.
Hey, it’s been a long season, and I don’t want to piss on anyone’s parade, but it’s worth gently reminding people that hockey executives are in the upper echelon of media handling: they know what the right things to say are, and they also know how to walk them back later when they don’t follow through. Brad Treliving also repeatedly stressed youth and then signed a bunch of duds to play in the bottom six, yoking it to experience, competition, and depth.
Here is the playbook in action: Don Maloney knows that he’s hiring Conroy. He also knows that the fanbase is upset, in scorched earth mode, and wants a GM/coach who isn’t buddies with ownership. Thus, he says he’s looking for that younger, forward thinker. That raises expectations, keeps people interested. Then he trots out a field of ringers, guys who he doesn’t plan on hiring, but have bad enough reputations that the bar is lowered to the point where he can hire a friend of the owners again. Throw in a tease of Jarome Iginla returning to the fold, and boom, you’ve pulled off a pretty good caper.
Likewise, Conroy recognizes that the fanbase wants prospects in the lineup, so he says so. Now will he follow the path of his old boss, signing the crud he actually thinks should fill out the roster, and then say he wants to create competition and depth, or will he stick to his word? Let’s find out, we’ve been duped by sweet words before.An aside: the number of people impressed that he said that letting Johnny Gaudreau walk for nothing was a mistake being more than 0 is astounding. Bar is fucking low folks.
On the note of the entire GM hiring process: If we want to be generous (even though I laid it all out above, I’m not sure I believe it), it was all a show to make the eventual hiring of the obvious guy legitimate. If we want to be cynical, the Flames are in such a bad spot that the job didn’t attract a whole lot of attention except from those blackballed from the game desperate to find a way back. And if we want to be totally blackpilled, Don Maloney is a member of the old boys club just like the rest of them and never saw a problem with guys like Bowman or Bergevin.
Speaking of morons, dipshits, and dunderheads, what exactly is Dave Nonis doing here? How does a guy fail to get the GM job he applied for, but then somehow get two different roles where he is both higher on the ladder (VP of hockey ops) and also the sidekick to the GM? I don’t fear that he’s going to use his authority to sign whoever 2023’s David Clarkson is, I think he’s in a place where he can’t do any sort of harm, but it’s a confusing organization structure.
Adding to that confusion: why does Brad Pascall also get a VP of hockey ops badge while being an assistant GM? Chris Snow is now VP of data and analytics, raising two questions: 1. who is the president of data and analytics? 2. the Flames have a data and analytics team? Their front office page doesn’t have a definitive answer to questions one or two, the closest being that the three person hockey research and development team is actually the data and analytics team. Seems a little ineffecient to have two executives (one apparently not hired/named yet) for three people.
Either the club is about to beef up the backend staff in massive volumes, or they’re adding to their job titles the same way military generals in dictatorships have jackets full of medals even though that country hasn’t fought a war in decades.Now I’m not trying to write a take that Craig Conroy is bad or that Craig Conroy is good. There is no evidence either which way or the other to say that, we get to stumble into the unknown hoping that his true intellect matches his perceived intellect. He was apparently the guy who pushed for Matthew Phillips to be drafted, which makes him a friend of the Scorchstack (he was before, but only as a player. Now he’s inducted as an executive). Here’s hoping he can make more good decisions like that, there’s literally no other thing I can point to say how it’s going to go.
So what’s the point? I guess that I don’t feel the optimism a lot of people do. This really does feel like an emporer has no clothes moment to me- that ownership and upper management has decided to go with a different flavour of the status quo, but hiding behind an unassailable team legend, a bunch of phony interviews, and shiny new job titles for everyone. If Lanny wasn’t too old, they would’ve had him do this job.
Maybe they really did do their homework and realized Conroy is that guy, but given how often they strike out, I can feel the confidence leaving my body. To put it shortly, you’re Flames fan, when have they ever really turned a new chapter, and why do you think now is the time they have?
Things I wish the Flames would learn from the Roughnecks
Little less life or death, a lot more Vamonos Vamonos
by Nathan (@hanoten)
Last Saturday night, the last of the CSEC teams that call the ‘Dome home was eliminated, as the Calgary Roughnecks were eliminated in a tight Western Conference Finals in the National Lacrosse League. Sure, it was a scheduling technicality since the Wranglers essentially made it just as far in their league, but also only one of those teams is in the top league for their sport.
Now obviously, I am excited to see the Calgary Flames come back next season, especially because quite simply there is no way that next season can be as depressing as this one got (I say, like a fool). However, the fact remains that the Flames wrote their own BoJack Horseman narrative with the “Downer Ending” and to be honest, I might be more looking forward to the team where I’ve been having more fun lately.
Here are some things that I think the Calgary Flames can learn from their CSEC brethren. Feel free to steal these ideas Popo, you’re already doing them so might as well take the credit anyway.
Coming For The Party
I don’t know exactly when the Roughnecks evolved the Come For The Party, Stay For The Game mentality, but it quite simply rocks. It’s a great way to convince people to come out to a sport they likely aren’t as familiar with, and from all accounts, no one does it like the Roughnecks. It must be the equivalent of being a fan of the Montreal Canadiens, knowing that you’re going to get rowdy and actually enjoy being at a sporting event.
Sure, they likely can’t start playing music during the gameplay so that’s a non-starter. And hockey is too obsessed with monarchy-level class for them to get Beesly to start chirping players or stating “Who Cares” when announcing when the road team scores. But there are great ideas to import regardless.
First, make the happy hour just as long and last until game time. Since CSEC has a huge windfall of cash from not having to pay for an arena, it’s the least you can do. Besides, you’ll probably make more money anyway since a) people can then afford to buy concessions with how expensive tickets are and b) once they’ve had a few they’re more likely to spend more money anyway.
Next, get some actually entertaining things to fill the TV timeouts and intermissions. I don’t need to play follow the bouncing Timbit ever in my life again, and watching this guy and his dog - who they got for the first Roughnecks playoff game - during the break is way better than most of what happens between periods.
And JD from CJAY92, which sure is a radio station, does a legitimately great job as an in-arena host, much better than….the guy who who currently does it? I cannot remember who it is. Point to Roughnecks.
Getting good crowd bits for everyone to do goes a long way. I love the way we all yell at enemy players who get a penalty to get in the box and shut up. I especially love the goal dance we all do to a very remixed version of the most hilariously dad rock song ever, which is basically unrecognizable from the version the Roughnecks play.
Oh, and a way better pregame routine. Can’t believe the Calgary Flames are being outdone by a honey badger like so:
Affordability
Yeah let’s be real, this one isn’t happening. It is wild that the First Lady of Scorchstack and I got season tickets for next year though and it’ll cost less than lower bowl tickets when the Leafs are in town.
Letting the player personalities shine
You know who shines the most in the Flames’ social media posts? It’s absolutely not the players. It’s their graphic design maestro Aidan Wong, who when he isn’t busy designing the Lunar New Year jersey which absolutely whips makes graphics that can get you hyped for Arizona on a Wednesday night.
We at Scorchstack love to see Aidan succeed, but with all due respect to him, it shouldn’t be a runaway when you have guys like Rasmus Andersson on the team. I love seeing Roughnecks content like when TV host Olivia McDonald asks the team what their favourite sandwiches are during practices, or whatever dumb meme is trending that week. I’ll take that over looking at another Blake Coleman suit any day for the week, cause it lets me invest in players way easier. Sure, Noah Hanifin can skate real fast, but would he prefer a Bánh mì sub over a Monte Cristo? This is how I will care more about Noah Hanifin. We didn’t appreciate how good we had it with Tkachuk, but damned if the team even lets them try.
As far as in-game, I am just trying to imagine any Flame participating in the hype up sing-along, much less jumping up and down and screaming “Party Til We Die” like Roughnecks captain Jesse King. It’s a mood.
Making the playoffs
Shit shit I’m trying to delete I’m sorry.
Reasons to root for and against the remaining teams
I hope they cancel the Stanley Cup this year
by ramz (@ramzreboot)
Ed. note: Ramz wrote this two weeks ago when there were still eight teams left in the playoffs. We never did anything with this but she doesn’t have time to rework this, so we will be making edits along the way.
There are eight four three teams left in the playoffs (I had to look up which teams because I don’t care). Here are reasons why you should root for or against any of them. This is going in whatever order the teams showed up when I googled “Stanley cup playoffs”.
Carolina Hurricanes
Root for
Can’t think of a reason, sorry.
Root against
Tony DeAngelo.
New Jersey Devils
Root for
Dougie Hamilton
Root against
The Brat Pack on Twitter.
Dallas Stars
Root for
Can’t think of a reason, sorry.
Root against
Baba hates Joe Pavelski.
https://twitter.com/BabaShlah/status/1105681698610601984?s=20
Seattle Kraken
Root for
If they win Namita will be praised and she deserves that.
Root against
I don’t want them to have the better Tanev, I am competitive in my Tanevs.
Toronto Maple Leafs
Root for
Zero reasons.
Root against
It’s funny.
Florida Panthers
Root for
Matthew Tkachuk. Leafs fans upset maybe not anymore so ignore this as a pro.
Root against
I don’t know if I can handle a world where Sam Bennett has a cup but Jarome Iginla doesn’t.
Vegas Golden Knights
Root for
They have a hot goalie (Laurent Brossoit)
Root against
twitter dot com forward slash goldenknights
Edmonton Oilers
Root for
Oilers fans may try and dox more women of colour if they lose
Root against
I will be upset
Up Next Week
Let’s see here…..which Calgary Flame is uhhhhhh some weird creation in Tears of the Kingdom? Sure why not.