ScorchStack Issue #113 - It's Kraysmiss!
You know what they say - you can't "miss" Kraysmiss!
'Twas the week before Kraymiss, when all through the Stack
Not a creature was stirring, not even a Back(lund);
The Scorchies were off partying without Krayden,
And the issue was sitting there, no one weighed in;
So I (Krayden) with all of my might,
Decided I get to write the whole issue, that’s right;
With GIFs and emojis and recaps galore,
You better believe you’re gonna want more,
When the Scorchies find out, it will be too late
And they’ll all say “wow Krayden you are so great”
Without further adieu, get ready for this,
The best time of year, mothereffing Kraysmiss!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What’s inside?
I (Krayden) wrote all about Kraysmiss and you know it gets a little krayyyyzeeeeee
AND THEN
I (Krayden) wrote more about Kraymiss and you know it gets a little krayyyyzeeeeeerrrrrrrr
Since last issue
The Flames are living their best life down in California all week long. It’s like the song “California Girls” by my celebrity crush Katy Perry except instead of Girls they are hockey players.
When I said this to the rest of the scorchstackies (ed. note: you know that’s not what we’re called) they said that was dumb and a better California song would be “Hotel California” by the Eagles but I didn’t even bother listening to that because a) it’s like older than time and b) the Eagles are a football team not a band come on I’m not that dumb.
I will never get tired of the Katy Perry Skip the Dishes commercial. I could watch it forever.
Krayden's guide to a Calgary Flames Christmas
It's Kraysmiss!
by Director of Content and Branding Krayden
Hi everyone! It’s Krayden! (ed. note: Krayden we’ve talked about this so many times. Your name is in the headline and you also a have a byline. We know it’s you.)
Christmas is right around the corner. Have you done your shopping yet? Is there a big Flames fan on your wishlist? Need to do some shopping for them?
Well have no fear, Krayden is here. I’ve done my holiday scouting and found some great presents you can draft for the Flames fan in your life!
(Krayd. note: Please note, this list also works for Hanukkray and Kraynzaa)
(ed. note: Krayden first off, don’t put notes in your own article that’s just the copy you hack. Second, HR is going to be calling you about both of those names)
Now, this sign is pretty simple, but it gets the message across pretty clearly: Flames fans parking only. You can hang this on your garage to let Oilers fans (boooooo!) know that they have to park down the street! You can also hang it in your living room, and let those Oiler fans (boooooooo!) know that the same rules apply to the couch. Take it somewhere else! I think you can put this sign anywhere in the house to tell them that it’s Calgary Flames Fan Parking Only. I think it would be funny to put it on the toilet. Only Flames fans get use the porcelain throne in the Kray-“den” (my house). (ed. note: Krayden don’t invite any non-Flames fans overs, your floor is going to be covered in piss and shit)
This is kind of the same concept. Don’t let an Oilers fan (boooooo!) or your mom use this pillow! It’s reserved for Vincent! (ed. note: Krayden you can buy the pillow with anyone’s name on it. Who is Vincent?)
Beer and hockey go together like Netflix and Chill (ed note: What?????). What could be better than a cold one coming from a Red Hot mini beer keg? Hot and cold. Don’t go together like beer and hockey! Or Netflix and chill!
Not only will this look great on your wall, this contains some incredible facts about the Scotiabank Saddledome. This thing is sooooo vintage, I don’t know anyone who was alive in 1983. Part of hockey is inclusion, and we should strive to educate fans about the game. This gift contains all the info you need for your friends who don’t know hockey!
Lucic toilet paper? 😂😂😂. Now I’ve seen it all! Now you can Looooooooooooooooo while you Poooooooooooooooooooooo 😂😂😂!
Do you have a punk rocker in your life? What about a skateboarder in your life? Well they’ll love this shirt. It’s very edgy, and a bit anti-authority.
How about a hippie? This kind of looks like a peyote button (ed note: how does he know what that is?). Pretty far out man, pretty trippy!
Okay, I love this! (Krayd. note: clap clap clap clap clap)
Okay, we’ve all had our fun with this article, and during this Christmas season. But let us not forget the real reason for the season: the birth of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. And let’s remember to keep the Christ in Christmas, because there’s a lot of secularites who want this holiday to be nothing more than getting the fanciest, flashiest gift. Amen, and I hope you enjoyed my article! - Krayden (ed note: WHAT)
Krayden's 12 days of Scorchmas
Some more Kraysmiss
by Director of Content and Branding Krayden
Hi everyone! It’s Krayden again!
The Scorchies let me do ANOTHER post today for Kraysmiss! (ed note: no we didn’t your dad threatened to pull his funding if we didn’t let you).
One of my favourite things about Christmas is the Christmas carols!! More like Christmas Carole Baskin, am I right???🤣🤣🤣🤣 (ed note: what???) Me and my family ALWAYS sing Christmas carols together! So I wanted to make one about ScorchStack and the Flames about the 12 days of Christmas! It’s called the 12 days of Scorchmas!
On the first day of Scorchmas, Treliving gave to me! (hey guys I hope it’s alright I put Treliving instead of my true love?) (ed note: yeah we all got that)
an extra large Fanattic Flames tee!
On the second day of Scorchmas, Treliving gave to me!
two Lucic goals (for this season so far) (ed note: you can’t put this many words)
and an extra large Fanattic Flames tee!
On the third day of Scorchmas, Treliving gave to me!
(only) three (Darryl) Sutter words (because his press conferences are so short!!🤣🤣) (ed note: stop fucking talking just write the stupid song what’s the matter with you)
two Lucic goals
and an extra large Fanattic Flames tee!
On the fourth day of Scorchmas, Treliving gave to me!
four awesome replays! (From Mike)
three Sutter words
two Lucic goals
and an extra large Fanattic Flames tee!
On the fifth day of Scorchmas, Treliving gave to me!
FIIIIVE KUBOTA TRACTORS! (haha hey guys do you see how I included that in here based on your funny memes and Tweets about it!!! I don’t really understand it though!) (ed note: just message us why did you put this in your piece?????)
four awesome replays!
three Sutter words
two Lucic goals
and an extra large Fanattic Flames tee!
On the sixth day of Scorchmas, Treliving gave to me!
six coca-colas!🤣🤣
FIIIIVE KUBOTA TRACTORS!
four awesome replays!
three Sutter words
two Lucic goals
and an extra large Fanattic Flames tee!
On the seventh day of Scorchmas, Treliving gave to me!
seven Trev Time graphics
six coca-colas!🤣🤣
FIIIIVE KUBOTA TRACTORS!
four awesome replays!
three Sutter words
two Lucic goals
and an extra large Fanattic Flames tee!
On the eighth day of Sorchmas, Treliving gave to me!
eight Roons reports
seven Trev Time graphics
six coca-colas!🤣🤣
FIIIIVE KUBOTA TRACTORS!
four awesome replays!
three Sutter words
two Lucic goals
and an extra large Fanattic Flames tee!
On the ninth day of Scorchmas, Treliving gave to me!
nine laughing crying emojis😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
eight Roons reports
seven Trev Time graphics
six coca-colas!🤣🤣
FIIIIVE KUBOTA TRACTORS!
four awesome replays!
three Sutter words
two Lucic goals
and an extra large Fanattic Flames tee!
On the tenth day of Scorchmas, Treliving gave to me!
10 former Canucks🤣🤣🤣
nine laughing crying emojis😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
eight Roons reports
seven Trev Time graphics
six coca-colas!🤣🤣
FIIIIVE KUBOTA TRACTORS!
four awesome replays!
three Sutter words
two Lucic goals
and an extra large Fanattic Flames tee!
On the 11th day of Scorchmas, Treliving gave to me!
11 likes on my Kray Kray Tweets
10 former Canucks🤣🤣🤣
nine laughing crying emojis😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
eight Roons reports
seven Trev Time graphics
six coca-colas!🤣🤣
FIIIIVE KUBOTA TRACTORS!
four awesome replays!
three Sutter words
two Lucic goals
and an extra large Fanattic Flames tee!
ON THE 12TH DAY OF SCOOOORCHMAS, TRELIVING GAVE TO MEEEEE!
12 Office gifs
(ed note: Krayden we are not putting 12 fucking Office gifs here so we deleted all of them except one)
(Krayd. note: I’m in charge now).
11 likes on my Kray Kray Tweets
10 former Canucks🤣🤣🤣
nine laughing crying emojis😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
eight Roons reports
seven Trev Time graphics
six coca-colas!🤣🤣
FIIIIVE KUBOTA TRACTORS!
four awesome replays!
three Sutter words
two Lucic goals
and an extra large Fanattic Flames tee!
Up Next Week
I hope my dad spends this weekend with me instead of his new family. It would be a real Kraymiss miracle.
 | A guest post by
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I will fucking stab you Krayden, sincerely @Blaze_Weedman