ScorchStack Issue #111 - Yes, It’s Something Special That A Hockey Player Has An Interest Outside Of Hockey, Golf, And Blonde Women
you have to wonder if such a player is a problem in the locker room
Good thing most of our numbers come in from email! Tell your friends to sign up or give them an early Christmas present and sign them up without their knowledge.
What’s inside?
Everyone is talking about how Dennis Gilbert played high school football with Chad Kelly but we here at Scorchstack answer the hard-hitting question: did he suck?
Floob gushes about a billionaire. Sad to see it.
You would think there would be something else, wouldn’t you?
Since last issue
The Flames continue to search for the 60-minute game, and until they do, Darryl will not let the boys watch the new season of Yellowstone. They do keep winning some games though.
Wow Floob wrote a whole piece where he didn’t praise any billionaires in the Big Monday Thing. The duality of man.
In case you forgot, we provide a public service here at Scorchstack.
Dennis Gilbert: high school quarterback?
Now I've heard of Friday Night Lights, but Wednesday morning afternoon articles?
by Tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
The website that I sourced for this article is very uptight about people using their pictures for free, to the point where you are not allowed to right-click on their page. So please, click here, and enjoy this photo of Calgary Flames defenceman Dennis Gilbert: high school quarterback, and then come back here and pretend that it is in the article. Presumably, he is getting some of the money from the outrageous $26.99 USD price for a high-def download. There is simply no exploitation in US amateur sports, wouldn’t happen.
(ed. note: well in that case here you go)
If you’re like me, you are perfectly content with Dennis Gilbert. Sure, he doesn’t blast 100mph slapshots headed in the general direction of the net like Michael Stone does, but he also doesn’t crumble under the slightest bit of pressure and throw up a juicy giveaway like Connor Mackey did. From here until whenever Oliver Kylington comes back, Dennis Gilbert is a perfectly fine third-pairing defenceman: he doesn’t do anything, but he especially doesn’t do anything wrong (except getting into a random fight with Ryan Lomberg, negating a pretty good Flames scoring chance. That was bad). Sometimes, that’s all you can ask for.
Gilbert, as a hockey player, isn’t the most fascinating dude in the world. He’s a journeyman, with his third organization since going pro four years ago, and will probably again be seeking employment at the end of this year. There’s no defining, stand-out talent in his game. He’s seen NHL action, but hasn’t stuck anywhere. In the vast annals of NHL history, there are 1000s of players like him: just guys to be remembered.
But as a person? There’s more depth to this depth defenceman. The Calgary Sun recently dug up that he was a quarterback in high school, playing for St. Joseph’s Collegiate Institute in Buffalo. And as coincidence would have it, he was playing behind Chad Kelly -nephew of Buffalo Bills legend Jim Kelly- and second-string quarterback for Toronto Argonauts, participants in last weekend’s Grey Cup. For an AHL injury replacement call-up, that’s quite an interesting backstory.
“Interesting” is the relative term here, because this story is actually not that. Yes, it’s something special that a hockey player has an interest outside of hockey, golf, and blonde women, but in the grand scheme of things, this is just a story some guy tells you about their own personal six degrees of separation from minor fame. Had Gilbert not had hockey to turn to, we probably could find him in a Buffalo dive, ranting to anyone who would listen about how coulda been somebody had he not had the misfortune of going to the same school as Jim Kelly’s asshole nephew. I think Bruce Springsteen wrote a song about these types of guys.
This should be where the story ends - Flames player Dennis Gilbert went to school with a guy who is kinda famous. But this is Scorchstack, you know there’s going to be an impressively stupid amount of research put into something that can be summed up as “kinda neat.” Let’s look at how good of a quarterback Dennis Gilbert was.
Please enjoy this other photo of Dennis Gilbert, Calgary Flames defenceman and high school quarterback. He is scoring a touchdown in this picture. It would make a great addition to this article! Please give me the money to buy it.
In hockey, we have prospect perverts. These are people who spend their precious seconds detailing and loudly professing the virtues of a player that couldn’t be more destined to be a 40-point guy at best. They paint themselves as true knowers and followers of the game, but are really just obsessive weirdos who enjoy going through the film and the data just to arrive at the same conclusions many of us do upon glancing at a prospect’s boxcar stats. Usually hit with the same accuracy percentage as well.
Prospect perverts exist in every sport, so hockey is not unique in this regard, but they are all mere mortals compared to what goes on in American football: it is prospect neurosis down there. People up here like to joke about how Texas high schools have nicer and bigger stadiums than CFL teams, but a) that is absolutely not just Texas and b) that only scratches the surface of how much money, attention, and resources are thrown into America’s real pastime over real priorities.
We don’t have the time or space to dig into America’s obsession with high school football, and we certainly aren’t the newsletter to talk about the deeply corrupt and depraved places that can go (okay, one story as a treat: fake high school that somehow wound up on ESPN). What we will talk about is maybe the most harmless manifestation of this sickness: statistics.
There are 16,000 high school football teams in America. If they play a game against any opponent, it is recorded in as much detail as possible. Box score, newspaper recaps, photos, videos, even play-by-plays sometimes: they’re all there, and they’re all about high school football. You can research box scores dating back to 2004-05, and way before then if you know where to look. Players are analyzed meticulously, ranked on comprehensive lists for every position, and some people are paid six figures to put these lists together. For comparison, the WHL - a premier junior league - cannot tell you in the year of our lord 2022 who was on the ice for a powerplay goal.
Thanks to those freaks, this entire article is possible. We do not know how much ice time Dennis Gilbert gets in the AHL this season, but we do have a pretty comprehensive record of his high school career. Dennis Gilbert Jr (the Jr. is important- the team was coached by his dad, Dennis Gilbert Sr. That will come up later), as a junior quarterback/free safety for St. Joe’s Varsity team, ranked the 48th best team in New York state at the time (just a thought- he wears #48 for the Flames, coincidence?).
Eerily similar to this NHL season, Gilbert began as a third-string quarterback, finally getting his chance against Aquinas Institute in week five. He tossed three touchdowns despite only getting 15 passing attempts in, ensuring victory in a 27-14 win. The videos on the recap of this high school game no one has thought about in a decade don’t seem to work for me, so if anyone can let me know if you can see Calgary Flames defenceman Dennis Gilbert airing it out, that would be much appreciated.
Unfortunately, that was the high point of Dennis Gilbert’s quarterbacking tenure. After his breakout debut, Gilbert struggled to get anything going in his next five games. He never completed more than 10 passes in any other game, nor did he crack 100 yards again. The three touchdowns he threw in his first game represented 60% of his total air TD output, only finding the endzone twice in his next four games.
Part of the reason I think Gilbert never took off in football is related to the scheme St. Joe’s was running. As mentioned earlier, Gilbert only attempted 65 passes over five games for an average of 13 throws per game, low at any level of the sport. That also meant he was the pass-happiest QB on the roster, as the team in total only threw the ball 109 times over the course of an 11-game season. In comparison, they ran the ball 345 times. The system wasn’t designed to let Gilbert air it out, they wanted to establish the run (If you’re curious about Gilbert’s rushing totals, 21 carries, 69 yards, one touchdown). They didn’t want to let Dennis cook.
But perhaps the more damning reason is that he couldn’t be trusted to keep the football safe, the death knell for any quarterback. Even in his stellar debut, he lost a fumble. He was less clean in his remaining games, throwing four picks and losing three additional fumbles. That is seven turnovers in five games, no one else on St. Joe’s had more than three and that player saw the field for every single one of the eleven games.
Those bad tendencies all came to a head in the playoffs. In a second-round game against Bishop Timon-St. Jude, two first-quarter interceptions and a fumble by Gilbert lead to 17 points against, the difference in a 27-10 loss. This all happened at Ralph Wilson Stadium, home of the Bills, so at least it wasn’t the worst playoff performance those walls have seen.
Gilbert’s football career came to an end next season, as he was cut from the team by coach Dennis Gilbert Sr, his dad (there could not be a player more destined to play for Darryl Sutter). Apparently, it was for altruistic reasons as the multi-sport star (lacrosse as well as hockey and football) was entering his senior year and needed to pick a lane to attract college interest. His father, who saw his football potential up-close, made the decision for him. That was probably a very awkward ride home from practice, but you have to hand it to him: he was right.
If you read that article and noted that he was listed as a starting linebacker, I could not find any record of that. There was also nothing indicating that he ever played free safety. I do not have any more pictures of Dennis Gilbert playing football, but you can enjoy his lacrosse highlights on his Hudl page.
Tony Khan Should Buy The Calgary Flames
The Calgary Flames are All Elite
by Floob (@itlooksreal)
Rich people are in the news.
No, I’m not talking about that guy and the thing he did and how he’s fucking that thing up. I’m talking about other rich people who want to buy things that cost significantly less than $44 billion dollars. Things like the Ottawa Senators.
While Scorchstack’s sister publication is the Sensstack, making us fully and uniquely qualified to discuss the potential of a Ryan Reynolds lead ownership bid at length and with amazing clarity, we’ll leave that to some of our friends in more Ottawa-centric circles, because they need something to do, probably.
But scenarios like this do tend to get the mind wandering, which is precisely what TSN (or The Scorchstack Network) reporter and Calgary sports muser Salim Valji put in motion on Tuesday night, when he floated this prompt out to the sporting world:
Now, to be clear, the Flames and its affiliate properties are not for sale, nor do they need to be, as their ownership group appears to be financially stable and committed to their continued operation of the franchise. But everyone agrees Murray Edwards is a pitiful dickhead who nobody likes, so if there were to be some new names printed out atop the Calgary Flames letterhead, I don’t think anyone would mind. And it’s fun to muse over some of the more fanciful and ultimately unrealistic suitors. A pop culture darling like the guy who was in The Green Lantern being linked to an NHL franchise really opens the window for wishcasting wide open, and the only limit to the direction these things can go is your imagination. Oh, and like a billion dollars.
The first name that popped into my head when Salim tweeted the question out - and even though I’m changing my answer, I’m still pretty sure this is a good option - was Karla Homolka, of murder fame. Unfortunately, she’s not really into being in the public eye these days for some reason, so it feels like it would be really hard to set up some meetings. After that, it’s pretty hard to find a natural fit for the Flames when it comes to an owner with enough money and cultural prominence. One of the more obvious choices would be a group headed by Boston Pizza owner Jim Treliving. It checks off a lot of boxes, as he’s been a key member on a long-running and popular TV show, and he’s the head of a strong (ed. note: debatable) Canadian brand that would partner well with the Flames. But he’s already 81 years old, and the succession plan would be pretty dicey, as his oldest son is reportedly only in middle management for some bush league company somewhere, and not up to the day-to-day rigors of owning a business.
Seeking the services of other powerful Canadians, on the surface, feels like an obvious piece of due diligence, but have you ever gotten a load of some of these guys? The richest countryman, according to Bloomberg and Forbes, is Changpeng Zhao, a Vancouver businessman who is the co-founder and CEO of Binance. This is obviously not a fruitful avenue, because you don’t want a crypto guy being your financial hookup for your beloved sports team. Not to mention he recently invested $500 million to help Elon Munck buy Twitter, so the evidence is out there that he’s probably really stupid.
It’s more goblins all the way down from there. I know that no one rich enough to throw their name in the hat for this is even remotely moral, a trait incapable of dwelling within the ruthless capitalist brutalists who are responsible in their own way for the [gestures vagueley at everything] we’ve got going on around here, but even from that broad lens, there are definitely some PR nightmares on this list. Do you want Galen Weston in charge of the Flames? Or that Lululemon freak? I’d rather hang on to Murray Edwards, and I really fucking hate Murray Edwards. We need to expand our horizons a little bit.
Which is why I’m asking the Calgary Sports and Entertainment Corporation to approach Tony Khan about a takeover. If you’re blankly nodding along to me saying this because you’re too much of a coward to tell me you don’t know who that is, that’s fine and I forgive you. I’ll tell you why he’s the right choice for your Calgary Flames, and why the team would be an attractive property for him to consider investing in.
Tony Khan is the founder and owner of All Elite Wrestling, a Jacksonville-based wrestling promotion that has been on a steady rocket to the moon since its 2019 inception. Khan also holds the title of Senior Vice President of Football and Technology with the NFL’s Jacksonville Jaguars, and Vice Chairman and Director of Football Operations for the EPL’s Fulham FC. He is a capital B billionaire, as is his father and business partner, the much richer Shahid Khan, who you’re likely more familiar with as that one NFL team owner guy with the cool mustache:
TK (that’s what we in the community for the One True Sport of professional wrestling call him) is also the owner and chairman of TruMedia Networks, a venture devoted to data and analytics-driven solutions for sports teams, which is used by several MLB teams, college football programs, and ESPN, among others, and the idea of injecting a little bit of evidence-based data into the operation of the Calgary Flames sure sounds like it might be a fun idea, doesn’t it?
Khan is an attractive choice for the Flames because his career has been built in pro sports with franchises boasting much, much larger profiles than we have here, he prefers an analytical edge over traditional, antiquated approaches to team building, and most importantly, is so busy doing mountains of blow while being the head booker and decision maker for AEW that he would be hands off for the day-to-day operations of the team. Within AEW he’s always been known to be pretty liberal when it comes to dipping into the piggy bank for newly available elite talent, or other aspects that enhance the overall entertainment value for the fans. David Pastrňák is a free agent next season? Might as well go grab him. You want to play Sympathy For The Devil every time the Flames score, but they’re charging $50,000 per use? Not my problem. It’s getting done.
So you’re probably asking why the Flames? The NHL is pretty dang quaint and frankly far more inept relative to NFL football and Premier League soccer, what does a Western Canadian hockey team have to offer that would entice TK to buy them? Luckily for the Flames, the draw is the city of Calgary itself.
Khan is a lifelong wrestling fan and historian, and Calgary has deep and important roots in the The Business, with Stu Hart’s Stampede Wrestling and its unique style still having a marked and indelible impression on the work you see in AEW today. It would be an homage and a thank you to the region that is so influential on the success his promotion enjoys today. He’s already developed a recurring working partnership with the Owen Hart Foundation, a local non-profit with initiatives like providing scholarships or housing for people with limited resources, named after the late Owen Hart, a Calgarian and the greatest wrestler of all time, and I will fight anyone who says differently. The investment in the city on some level has already begun, it makes sense to move in (especially since Murray Edwards decided to move out).
Here is a picture of Tony with a Flames hat, if that does anything for you:
In the Flames, he also gets the Calgary Hitmen, who are named after the legendary Bret “The Hitman” Hart, which is another nice little synergy to have with AEW, who employ multiple in-ring workers who can’t shut up about how much they love him, and has indeed appeared in AEW himself from time to time. And most importantly, let’s be honest, he’s going to invest in a city that is going to give him a brand new arena with taxpayer money, one that he can run a myriad of his own events out of. That part sucks, but you can see why he’d like it. Honestly, if it gets Eddie Kingston into Calgary to work a match or two, I would consider that to be of immense public value, so maybe I’ve talked myself into that now. Eddie Kingston whips ass.
This is the longest I’ve ever gone extolling the virtues of a capitalist, and I’m obligated to cut this off here because now I either need to shower or throw myself under my own guillotine (no wrong answers here!) But hey, if the Flames need a billionaire sitting in the big corporate desk, this one would be way better than the one they already have, so we might as well just get the ball rolling on this. Mr. Khan, you have 24 hours to respond.
UPDATE
In the midst of all this, I forgot to mention the Flames are kind of a good investment, if you like stuff like the value of your team consistently going up. Look at this chart or whatever. Or don't, I've made my case.
Up Next Week
Matthew Tkachuk, our homecoming son, returns to the Saddledome on Tuesday, and so too do the Scorchies for Scorchcon 1.5. Remains to be seen who gets a bigger reception from the crowd.
We photoshop the faces of various Flames over a team photo of the Italian Men’s Soccer squad. Adam Ružička lightens our workload here, as he is a member of both teams already.