Scorchstack Issue #106 My therapist tells me my thoughts about the Leafs millennials will cause my blood pressure to move into the fatal zone
The premier destination for all of your The Roons facts
It’s Christmas-morning, but every single day this week and next week for jersey perverts.
Yes that’s right: jersey perverts. They’re a collection of sports fans whose only purpose in life is to spend money, opine, and center their entire existence around sports jerseys. The NHL dropped 32 new jerseys and that means the jersey perverts will pack their cheeks with this fresh drop of jersey nourishment like squirrels preparing for the brittle and crippling winter months approaching.
Nibble away and stock your nests at your discretion. Adorn your home with jerseys from wall to wall, blocking out the sun. Everything around you will be a jersey. You will become the jersey. You are the fucking jersey. Think Tetsuo the Iron Man but it’s Jeff the Jersey Man.
What’s inside?
The Scorchies have opinions about the new Reverse Retro jerseys. This is the definitive guide to RR jerseys and it’s akin to Tim Rogers’ six hour and 12 minute review of Boku No Natsuyasumi which recently released.
Did Mike write this intro? Yes. Did he watch the entire six hour and 12 minute video? Yes. Is that to blame for the lack of analysis and thoughtful opinions on four games of the season? Yes.Wayne Rooney or Kevin Rooney? That’s the game every kid is asking themselves on the playground currently. So let’s play the game. Let us [extreme emphasis] play.
There is no Floob on this issue because he got stuck in a porta-potty.
Since last issue
The Flames were undefeated and then they lost. Is it because we’ve seemingly forgotten release on Wednesday and the cosmic order of events is to blame? We’re powerful and full of ourselves enough to believe it so.
Kevin Rooney had not one, but two good report cards; and then one bad report. The mood around Scorchstack HQ today is very sombre as we hope The Roons (trademarked) will rebound.
We launched another viz report for our subscribers because we care about magic numbers.
Scorchstack Reviews the Reverse Retros 2
The Good, the Boring, and the Truly Not bad this time!
by Scorchstack (@TheScorchStack)
It’s back! After a pretty successful run of it 2 years ago, the NHL actually brought back the Reverse Retro concept for us to enjoy all over again, this time with an extra jersey! All 32 teams released new(ish) jerseys (so many of them got leaked out months in advance) and this time, some of them were really good, some decently good and some passable. There has been a lot of improvement as teams are finally getting the reverse part of Reverse Retros (not all however).
We here at Scorchstack are known experts in all things hockey and fashion, so it is only fitting that we bestow our thoughts and feelings about the new threads. Please note that all of these are real facts and we will not be taking any comments at this time.
Anaheim Ducks
Konnie: This one turned out better than the leaks made it out to be. A nice throwback to the first Ducks jerseys but with the orange and black that they use today. Take the hint and make it your primary away jersey. A tier
Mike: I wish this jersey used more traditional a more early-mid 90's colour-scheme akin to the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim era colours. Regardless, the logo remains iconic. A Tier
Tibs: The cartoon duck is perfect and they keep ruining him with that awful orange/brown colour. We can’t leave these decisions to Anaheim anymore. B Tier
Ramz: I also love the duck but the green would have been so much better. B Tier
Nathan: The logo is a thing of art, and to be honest I don’t even mind the colour scheme. However, I don’t like it being an away jersey. This was a frequent critique of mine during the first Reverse Retros, and it’ll not every single one down a tier again this time around. I don’t want to buy a jersey that I am going to spill on or someone is going to spill on me, which has a very high chance of happening if I attend a game. B Tier
Arizona Coyotes
K: So the Coyotes went back to the space coyote design once again but instead of the really nice purple that they have, they decided to go with a weird burnt orange colour. Originally I was gonna score it much lower during the leaks but after seeing it released, I realize now that this jersey showcases a sunrise/sunset and that’s cool. Still like the night time one from before. B tier
M: They should have just did the exact same jersey that this one is based off of. B-ish Tier
T: These jerseys are so damn amateur that they should play in a friggin college arena! F tier
R: Why is everyone being such a hater. Look you know I’m a full Kachina or bust, and I thought I’d hate the non-purple or green, but this is cool. A.5 Tier
N: The Kachina is good but the bottom makes me think of when someone doesn’t know how to do graphic design so they throw four different layers and fonts in Canva and call it a day. C Tier
Boston Bruins
K: Pooh bear! I love it. S tier
M: I love the cocaine bear. This isn't me saying I'm pro-cocaine or pro-giving a living bear cocaine; just that I love this jersey. S Tier
T: I’m glad they didn’t bRUIN this one! S Tier
R: Great joke, Tibs! This one FUCKS. S Tier
N: I would go as far as to say that Tibs had a BEARy good joke. A Tier (-1 for away)
Buffalo Sabres
K: Another RR, another homage to the silver black and red era but with the modern/retro colour scheme. It’s really nice to see the goat head back, though when they bring it back as a 3rd it will look a bit better. B tier
M: It's clean and regal; and I think it will hold up longer than now-former prime minister of the United Kingdom, Liz Truss. Rest in piss Liz. A Tier
T: Love the throwback gold/blue Sabres jerseys, love the red/black goathead jerseys, combining the two doesn’t do it for me. C Tier
R: Goat head: Abso-fuckin-lutely. Colours: Nah. B- Tier
N: Those are great colours that absolutely clash with the red eye of the goat head which keeps it from absolutely hitting. C Tier (-1 for away)
Calgary Flames
K: God it’s so nice to see the pedestal back. The original is really hard to find for a good price and to finally have a brand new one, and with a cool new colour scheme to boot, is fantastic. I was worried that the black would not look great, but it suits the jersey better than I could imagine. I want one immediately. S tier
M: Do I pick Weegar, Coleman, or Kylington for this jersey? S Tier
T: Stomach seam aside, pretty much what I wanted. I do think the original reds were better though. A Tier
R: Scorchies love it but I’m sorry, I don’t. I can’t wait for Floob to give his RR takes because I Know he also doesn’t love this one. C Tier
N: This one honestly doesn’t do it for me, but it’s hard to follow up Blasty with anything else and feel like you improved. The pedestal is great but the promo images with the stomach seam make it look like the C crest is on a bib? And the shoulder to sleeve all being red and connected makes it look draped over which I don’t care for. That’s probably what I dislike the most about it. C- Tier
Carolina Hurricanes
K: Well, at least they did something original and not another Whalers throwback. However that’s all you can say. It’s reverse from the away jersey, but it’s not retro. D tier
M: This is as bad as the time they signed Tony DeAngelo. It's fuck-awful. F Tier for fuck-awful
T: Shit from a butt. S tier but the s stands for “shit (from a butt)”
R: Why do teams insist on doing the fuckin’ downward diagonal text. It sucks ass. F Tier
N: thank u, next D tier
Chicago team
K: it just says Chicago. The striping is cool and it’s A proper throwback, but it’s boring. D tier
M: I will never respect or enjoy anything Chicago does. F Tier
T: My favourite team in Unlicensed Hockey Video Game 2022 is the Chicago Red and black. F tier
R: “The striping is cool” shut up Konnie. Weezy F Baby Tier and the F is for And I shoot like I’m from overseas, so call my gun: Gunovich. Weezy F Baby and the F is for a bunch of shit.
N: This looks like the jersey equivalent of like “Get yours today with the purchase of any General Mills cereal” which is exactly how I wanted to get my computer games in to 90s and exactly not what I want to drop $300 on any time else. F Tier
Colorado Avalanche
K: Not at all what I expected. I do like they went with the avalanche template but put only the Colorado C instead of the entire Rockies logo. Solid design. B tier
M: It's boring, but I like the colour-scheme. B-minus Tier
T: Not a fan of the colours, especially compared to the superior Rockies colours, but still like it. B tier
R: Love the ode to the Nordiques, it’s what any franchise that’s relocated should do. and I love how they tied it to the Rockies too, it’s a super cool concept but I don’t love how they did it/the design. The vision was there, but the execution missed a bit. B- Tier.
N: This one feels like they let the players design it. But like….Mikko Rantanen, not like Darren Helm. I would be very into seeing what Cale Makar would design for his homecoming Flames jersey. C tier (-1 for away)
Columbus Blue Jackets
K: Man I wanted to hate this jersey so much, but it’s growing on me. The original that this jersey is my favourite Blue Jackets jersey so I felt like the light blue would ruin it, but somehow it didn’t. B tier
M: Fold the franchise. F Tier
T: Dumbass Johnny Gaudreau got pranked out of playing for his hometown team and left millions of dollars on the table to wear this jersey. Lol F tier
R: I like the light blue sleeves. That’s it I guess. C- Tier
N: This jersey has by far reminded me the most that the Blue Jackets are more or less a team named after soldiers. And we all know the Scorchstack origin story. D Tier
Dallas Stars
K: Now this is much, much better. Great colours, great 3D logo update, and one of the actually amazing adidas collar designs. This should be the main jerseys next season. S tier
M: An ode to their first few years in Dallas and that means the thought of Norm Green will piss off everyone in the state of Minnesota. For that reason alone it's an S Tier jersey.
T: No complaints but nothing special for me. C tier
R: Yes!!! So much better than their ugly piss ass green colour they did two years ago. But that’s all that’s exciting really to be honest. B Tier
N: Really showing my prairie ass here but that shade of green needs the gold to complement it. The design isn’t fun enough to overcome the wrong colour use. C Tier
Detroit Red Wings
K: Well then. This is, uhhh, different. It’s an old design, harping back to the Detroit Cougars, but this time the white is red and the red is black. I do like the DETROIT word mark is still in white. It’s a weird jersey but at least it’s different and they did something this time around. C tier
M: I swear I swore Jack White wear this during a White Stripes tour in 2007. F Tier
T: Detroit? These belong in de-toilet (cause they’re crap) F tier
R: Great joke again, Tibs! F tier
N: Crazy that they designed a different Reverse Retro jersey but on the way to NHL Headquarters or whatever it got run over by a car and they said “Let’s keep it and pretend it’s a homage to the pilot episode of Detroiters, an excellent show about our wonderful city”. F Tier
Edmonton Oilers
K: I hate that I love the original jersey that this RR is based off of. Thankfully I do think they ruined just enough things on this one to knock it down. The orange is not good as it could be. Still I can’t hate it and I hate that. B tier
M: Being a full-time hater means never enjoyingn anything this team does. F Tier and go to hell
T: Me and my six sons (all named Cody) have already bought these. F tier
R: Hahahaha. F Tier
N: After bringing up Detroiters in my last bit I just went and watched great clips of Detroiters and that was way better. This show was so good!
It’s not on YouTube but my favourite scene is the Doctor’s Office.
Florida Panthers
K: oooooooooo, the light blue is beautiful. The palm tree logo is beautiful. Fantastic overall jersey. The collar shouldn’t have been light blue too though. A tier
M: Florida made the most beautiful RR jersey of this release. The point of these jerseys is to evoke something new, something unique, and something that makes every jersey pervert spend their life savings. S Tier
T: Good thing we locked up Huberdeau and Weegar before these came out. S tier
R: Fucks so fucking hard. SSS Tier
N: Would have preferred the lunging cat as a shoulder patch but that’s my only note. Florida won this round. S Tier
LA Kings
K: God damn it, why do the Kings keep producing absolutely gorgeous jerseys? I didn’t think they could possibly beat out last year but they did. S tier
M: Gorgeous. It's a shame Drew Doughty will have to wear this because he looks like cretin from Flea Bottom in House of the Dragon. S Tier
T: I hope the purple is a little too gay for Drew Doughty and he pouts about wearing them. B tier
R: Ughhhhhhhhhhhh I hate loving the Kings jerseys. Weezy F Baby tier and the F is for phenomenal.
N: Incredible that the Kings keep making gorgeous jerseys but then you see what their regular home/away set it. B Tier (-1 for away)
Minnesota Wild
K: This time, it’s Subway but reversed! C tier
M: Looks and smells like Subway. Eat fresh, bitch. Six-inch Sub Tier
T: I have no thoughts about anything regarding the Minnesota Wild ? tier
R: Fuck you Konnie, I was going to make the subway joke. Five-Dollar-Footlong-Tier
N: Honestly, I like it, but yes all the Subway stuff is extremely prominent. B Tier
Montreal Canadiens
K: There has been a lot of light blue in this set of RR’s and this one takes the cake. It’s by far the best collar they have ever had in the Adidas style, and the blue makes the logo pop out like never before. It’s fantastic and it’s a shame it never will have a chance to be the main jersey. S tier
M: This jersey sucks and like everything Montreal, I fully expect a hockey history pervert to discover something from 1859 or something explaining why they made this. D Tier
T: This is also firmly in the whatever tier for me. Who cares. ? tier
R: Love the light blue. That’s kind of it I guess though. They have so many opportunities to make the coolest jerseys and they keep dropping the ball. C- Tier
N: The baby blue works for me, but the navy blue doesn’t. This one will look especially dumb with the RBC logo on it. C Tier
Nashville Predators
K: A reverse retro is a retro design, REVERSED. Look, I appreciate the mustard cat coming back but the fact that you didn’t but it on a blue background has seriously disappointed me. C tier
M: [to the tune of "it's corn"] It's piss, a jersey with a sabre-tooth tiger. It's got some fangs (it's got some fangs)! D Tier
T: I love an unhinged jersey. B tier
R: The animal is making me horny. That’s not a good thing. B- Tier
N: The sabre-tooth tiger has the facial expression of a bad comedian in the 90s trying to make a joke about how his wife doesn’t fuck him anymore. C Tier
New Jersey Devils
K: The Kansas City Scouts throwback is really cool. The only thing is the shoulder yokes run a bit too high. B tier
M: It's a shame New Jersey has ass-goaltending and a coach who is holding them back, but at least they'll look great in these while losing 6-2. A Tier
T: Neat idea, but I prefer the green and red ones more. B tier
R: The sleeves are cool. I literally cannot form any other thoughts about this. B Tier I guess
N: This colour scheme is gorgeous as it was for the Scouts originally. B Tier (-1 for away)
New York Islanders
K: Yay, we got Fishsticks! Yes it’s not the original wavy design but it’s still the funny logo and it’s with a good colour scheme. Solid. A tier
M: They should have just did the traditional fisherman jersey or did nothing. Mike Milbury should be rehired as punishment.
T: Unlike the Nashville jersey, NYI hedged on this. It’s not the crazy shade of blue it originally was, the wavy parts are missing, just didn’t want to get branded as having the worst jerseys again but somehow worked their way back there. D tier
R:
A tier
N: I would put this at S Tier if the Islanders also announced they were changing their mascot to the Fisherman but it was just a guy dressed as a fisherman who told the other team to fuck off. A Tier
New York Rangers
K: At first I thought they didn’t do anything again but after some research, it turns out that Lady Liberty has never been in royal blue. B tier
M: Feel like the logo could have been bigger, but the thought of Igor Shesterkin wearing this as he earns another Vezina award makes me happy. B+ Tier
T: Cool B tier
R: Ok, I guess. B tier
N: Didn’t they already do this? D Tier
Ottawa Senators
K: The only real stinker for me in this entire set. The jersey just doesn’t match the logo. D- tier
M: I've been Sens'd. Sens'd Tier
T: Bring back the goth senator D tier
R: I don’t know, it’s boring. D Tier
N: The senator’s head is too small for his hat decor. The Pharell hat of gladiatorial options. D Tier
Philadelphia Flyers
K: People are saying this one is boring but the black shoulder yokes to me look so cool. B tier
M: Jersey sucks but the Cooperalls are amazing. They're cowards for not playing in them this year though. A-minus Tier (purely this high because of the Cooperalls)
T: Bring back Cooperalls full time and in game. Cowardice for not doing so results in punishment B tier
R: The Cooperalls are literally going to make me commit arson from how excited I am. A tier
N: Honestly shocked that Sutter didn’t have them dress up in overalls as well. This is the John Tortorella effect. C Tier (-1 for away)
Pittsburgh Penguins
K: Robo penguin is back in all of his glory. A really solid design inspired by a really solid jersey. A tier
M: It's a classic but I'm biased because I'm one of two Scorchies who probably vividly remember Marin Straka wearing something like this. Death comes for us all but at least it looks good. Uhhhhh A Tier
T: Fuck me up S tier
R: Yes!!!!! Yes!!!!!!!! A tier
N: That bird is Fetterman. It’s a bird of the people. Makes Pennsylvanians proud. Great bird. S Tier
St. Louis Blues
K: Hell yeah, more visual puns. Plus I love the throw back to a jersey that didn’t even officially exist. The logo is old in a good way. S tier
M: Feel like we're going to see a psycho cop on the St. Louis local news wearing this or seen owning one. D Tier
T: They deserve nothing good. F tier
R: I don’t like this. Shut up Konnie. D- tier
N: You just know Binnington likes this jersey. D Tier
San Jose Sharks
K: Hell yea, a full on Seals throwback. This rules. Please please please wear white skates and white gloves with this. A tier
M: Seals are cool and so were the 70's? Really glad Patrick Marleau will never wear this though. B-ish Tier
T: I’m usually a sucker for classic, classic throwbacks but this jersey always sucked and it still sucks. D tier
R: I thought I’d hate this but it’s super cool. B+ tier
N: Colours are great, font is dumb. C Tier (-1 for away)
Seattle Kraken
K: Man the striping is so damn good on this. The teal and black works so well, and the little red eye in the logo just pops out so well. Fantastic. S tier
M: Undecided at this time. I’m sure it’ll grow on me. Undecided Tier
T: Whatever ? tier
R: Ok. ? tier
N: Should’ve been the Metropolitans. I don’t give a shit about the Metropolitans, but candy cane ass jerseys would be so fun. C Tier.
Tampa Bay Lightning
K: The Storm jersey was really fun in the 90s and this is a fun update. Fuck the team tho. A tier
M: Storm jersey is cool. A Tier
T: I always selected these jerseys when I played against the Lightning in NHL because I thought they were neat. Seeing them outside of the virtual realm has changed my mind. C tier
R: Stop doing this. C tier
N: I’ve docked marks for every away jersey, but I would have given this more marks if they committed to full white instead of the grey shoulders. Storm stuff is great. D Tier (-1 for away)
Toronto Maple Leafs
K: The leaf looks a little blotted like me after too many hot dogs. The rest of the jersey is nice but there really isn’t much to reverse since the Leafs age almost always two colours. B- tier
M: Leaf fans are upset that this jersey is ranked too high or too low. Shove them and this jersey in a wood chipper for the sake of humanity.
T: Mitch Marner probably wants it to have a friggin fortnite character on the front. Will it inspire him to throw a bodycheck, or will he continue being a pussy? None of these players deserve to touch any piece of Maple Leafs history. My therapist tells me my thoughts about the Leafs millennials will cause my blood pressure to move into the fatal zone. B tier
R: ???? Is this not just their regular jersey? What’s different??????????? I’m stupid I think. C Tier
N: Getting major 10,000 Volt Ghost vibes from What’s New, Scooby-Doo? Truly too much going on around the edges with that logo. Cleaner logo bumps this up probably to an A if I’m being honest. C Tier
Vancouver Canucks
K: it’s pretty simple and I don’t really like the Johnny Canuck logo. C tier
M: I don't care about this team, the jersey, their fans, or anything. I have no opinion.
T: Just do the skate! Your only jersey should be the skate! D tier
R: Why are you all such haters I honestly really like this???? I would have never gotten the connection either. I love a good Johnny Canuck. Hey that’s similar to the great Johnny Hockey (Jonathan Huberdeau)! B+ tier
N: Johnny Canuck is most likely an eco-terrorist. C Tier
Vegas Golden Knights
K: I like them cause I like myself a good word-mark (no you u up Ramz), but I can see why other wouldn’t. The black works for them really well too. Apparently the VEGAS glows in the dark which oOoOoOoOo. Whatever. B tier
M: This jersey is a lot like their Twitter account in that a passing glance at it makes you think “Eh it’s okay” and then you dig into it further and realize that it should be
T: Veg-ass. D tier
R: Look back for what I said about Carolina and you’ll know my thoughts. D tier
N: It’s cool that it glows in the dark seeing as Vegas will never play springtime hockey again. C Tier
Washington Capitals
K: Another jersey that I didn’t think I’d like based on the leaks but it turned out really solid and really slick. The eagle is such a great logo. A tier
M: Remember how cool Peter Bondra was? A Tier
T: The hardest thing to hit Washington DC since the January sixth riots. S tier
R: Ohhhhh yes. A tier
N: Time has been super kind to the screaming eagle. Much better than the Weagle. A Tier
Winnipeg Jets
K: Fantastic improvement to last RR. The original it’s based on is sick and the lockouts work a lot better. A tier
M: Feels dull and muted in this colour-scheme. Is it better than what they normally wear? Yes. A Tier? Who knows. This team stinks regardless!
T: Why are they doing a Arizona Coyotes throwback? D tier
R: They fucked up last time so it’s only right that this colour scheme goes hard. A- tier
N: If they really wanted to do something fun, they could have designed a jersey that was Atlanta Thrashers colours, but had the Great Grey Owl (the avian emblem of Manitoba) to swap out the provincial/state bird logo. That would have rocked. D Tier
Thank you for reading the facts about the Retro Reverse jerseys. Please leave your donations below so that we can ensure all of our beloved staff receive their own Pedestal.
The hottest game sweeping the nation: Kevin or Wayne?
This game only has winners because knowledge is power.
by Tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
The Flames world is smitten with Kevin “The Roons” Rooney. They can’t get enough of him! Thanks to his solid, energetic game on the fourth line and the world-famous Scorchstack Roons Report, Roons has emerged as a bit of a folk hero. Many expected him to be shitty and bad, but he’s proven so far this young season that he can actually play puck every once in a while.
But… did you know that he’s not the only famous athlete with the last name Rooney? Across the pond in Jolly Ol’ England, there’s a Liverpool lad named Wayne Rooney who has delighted Brits with his sensational goal-scoring abilities. While both Canada and the UK are linked by history, the fact that two star players named Rooney would come to dominate the respective national sport seems ripped straight out of The Twilight Zone.
Even the most well-studied sports fan would have a hard time telling the two apart, so that’s why we’ve invented a new game: Kevin or Wayne? The game is simple - recite a fact, and your opponent will have to guess if it’s something Kevin Rooney did or something Wayne Rooney did. You score a point when you guess correctly.
Let’s play a round, shall we?
Fact: Played hockey for the New York Rangers, the New Jersey Devils, and the Calgary Flames
Answer: Yup, that’s Kevin Rooney! Great job!
Fact: Is 5’9”
Answer: That’s Wayne!
Fact: Is the nephew of Steve Rooney
Answer: Did you guess Wayne? Incorrect, that’s Kevin!
Fact: Was once arrested for public drunkenness and use of profanity at the Washington Dulles International Airport
Answer: Don’t let the American setting throw you off, that was actually Wayne!
Fact: Won bronze with Team USA in the 2021 World Ice Hockey Championship
Answer: It’s the Roons! Kevin, that is. Kevin did that.
Fact: Has children named Kai, Klay, Kit, and Cass
Answer: Only a British mind could ever think of the name “Kit” for a child, so that’s gotta be Wayne!
Fact: Scored 183 goals in 393 appearances for Manchester United, primarily appearing as a striker, but also playing in the midfield
Answer: Pulled a fast one on ya! That was Kevin.
Fact: Is the all-time leading goalscorer for England’s men’s international football team.
Answer: You guessed it: Kevin Rooney!
Fact: Has won the English Premier League five times
Answer: Again, Kevin Rooney!
Fact: Once sued by former Everton manager David Moyes for libel after accusing him of leaking his reasons for leaving the club to head to Manchester United in his autobiography “Wayne Rooney: My Story.”
Answer: Absolutely too easy! Kevin Rooney!
Fact: Appeared on the UK cover of FIFA seven seasons in a row, from 06 to 12.
Answer: Could there be any other answer? Kevin Rooney!
Fact: Is named “Wayne Rooney.”
Answer: A gimme! Kevin!
Fact: Went severely bald in his early 20s, so he went and got a hair transplant in 2011, but kept going bald so he had to get another one in 2013, and then had to go get at least two more between then and now and probably needs another one because he cannot accept his fate
Answer: Wayne lol
Up Next Week
The Scorchie review the season finale of House of The Dragon (commonly referred to as Hot D by fans).
We wait with bated breath that some Mitch related news comes down the wire.