You’ve all heard of Mitchy Homers because you love MarinerStack, the #1 Seattle Mariners Online Newsletter Found Entirely Within A Calgary Flames Newsletter. But let’s try this one on for size - Mitchy Goalmers.
Think there is something there.
What’s inside?
MITCH
Since last issue
MITCH
75 interesting facts about Mitch McLain
MITCH!
by Tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
It was Sunday when the Calgary Flames introduced us to Mitch:
After a wild and dizzying offseason with big names leaving and coming in, the first goal of the 2022-23 campaign was scored by none other than Mitch. Then he assisted on the second goal of the game, leading the Flames in points for the preseason (and since it is preseason, I will not be fact-checking that).
Preseason is only for two types of freaks: people who haven’t figured out yet that it doesn’t matter and get mad about which PTOs are on which training camp lines, and prospect perverts. Mitch won’t be seen by either of these groups: he is 28 and on an AHL-only contract. He doesn’t have a job to fight for, and he doesn’t have any untapped potential left. He is here because he needs something to do and the Flames have spots to fill. There is nothing to learn about him and no need to care.
But then he became an offensive dynamo and instantly, the Scorchstack became enamoured with the rich world of Mitch. He is our very own Gabbo. No one knows who he is yet, no one expected him, but that one syllable name invades your brain and stays there for a good while.
In honour of #75 on the ice and the temporary #1 in our hearts until his eventual demotion to the AHL, here are 75 Mitch McLain facts you didn’t know you needed to know.
Mitch McLain was born in Baxter, Minnesota.
He was born on December 9th, 1993. Also born that day? Canadian snowboarder Mark McMorris. What is with athletes with M___ Mc___ names and December 9th, 1993?
Mitch went to Brainerd High School in Minnesota, though is not listed on the wikipedia’s page famous alum. Who is listed? Jeremy Good (red link), a “Local comedian and previous host of the Warrior Weekly newscast.”
His nickname is “moose”
Curiously, he has also referred to himself as a dog on his Twitter.
Mitch is a blogger, in a loose sense of the word. No, he doesn’t run his own website (Mitch, if you’re reading this, I would love to read the MitchBlog), but he did tweet out a link to a Facebook post he did about how to add tools to your hockey skillset.
Mitch supports women’s hockey
Mitch attended Bowling Green University, which is in Ohio. Funny, I thought people were leaving Calgary for Ohio, not the other way around!
Eliteprospects said he was a member of the WCHA All-academic team in 2015-16, a first-team all-star in 2016-17, and a senior class all-American in 2017-18. Good going, Mitch!
Mitch did a lot of work with children with disabilities and has a degree in special education.
He is lifelong friends with Cole Smith, who plays in the Nashville Predators organization.
That is probably the only photo you can find of him sans beard. He is very proud of his beard.
Mitch McLain is not related to Die Hard protagonist John McClane. First off, the last names are clearly different, and also one’s a fictional character.
He is a Cy Young winner in the hockey sense of that term, meaning he scored 17 goals and six assists last season.
There does not appear to be anyone else of significance with the name Mitch McLain, so he is probably the undisputed #1 Mitch McLain out there.
75 facts was probably an ambitious number of facts to reach, real or fake.
eBay does not have a single piece of Mitch McLain memorabilia on their website
Etsy has two minimalist Bible art prints for sale when you search Mitch McLain on their website:
Though a simple ctrl + f search for “Mitch McLain” does not reveal why these pop up. Hmmm.
I have found a second picture of Mitch McLain beardless
Mitch McLain of Franklin, Florida was an Air Force veteran, a CPA at Lockheed-Martin, and a college professor. He died on May 15th, 2015.
The Mitch McLain who plays hockey is very much alive.
Check out this snowboarding video from Mitch McLain from ten years ago
There is no word on whether that is our Mitch McLain or some other guy. Again Mitch, if you’re reading this, please clarify.
There is another Mitch McLain on YouTube who uploaded a lot of sub-100 views Modern Warfare clips. Since they are Call of Duty clips on YouTube, I am 100% sure that someone yells something racist in them.
Again, that is not our Mitch. That guy also uploaded a video of his baby crawling around in 2011.
Mitch McLain (hockey player) does not appear to have started a family.
That is pretty much all of the internet content about Mitch McLain that is not re-re-re-re-reaggregated news articles that appear on websites like sportsbuzz.sk.net/en/hockey
I have always wondered about those sorts of websites because I’ve seen articles in the past get posted on them and I wonder if any human being has ever intentionally found their way to those websites.
Who would possibly be getting their hockey news from there? Someone would have to know about hockey enough to understand the content that they’re being delivered but decide that the direct source doesn’t deserve their clicks.
72 people have found their way to Scorchstack through aggregators. Please reach out to me, I want to study you.
What I wonder about more: who is paying for these websites to keep running?
Mitch McLain is absolutely running up the score on other hockey players from Baxter, Minnesota when it comes to Eliteprospects pageviews:
How many facts do I have left?
I have to go to bed. The rest is behind the paywall.
Rating different Mitches
Is it Mitches or Mitch's?
by Ramz (@ramzreboot)
It’s MitchStack. Time to rate different Mitches. Surprisingly, there aren’t many famous Mitches. Who would have thunk it?
Mitch Longley
This guy is an actor I guess, I don’t know him because I don’t really watch soap operas, but he was in a few soap operas like General Hospital and Port Charles where he played the same character. Is Port Charles like General Hospital but somewhere else? I guess. He also played a character named Mitch on “Las Vegas”. That’s a Mitchception.
I give him an 8/10 because he’s the highest voted Mitch on this website titled “Who is the most famous Mitch or Mitchell in the world?” and also because of this photo:
Mitch McConnell
0/10.
Mitch Finley
Mitch Finley is an author who mainly writes Catholic books, unsure what that really means. He has one book titled “Key moments in church history” and I KNOW he doesn’t discuss abuse in there.
I give him a 1/10 because no offence to any Catholics but if you’ve written over 30 Catholic books and have won many Catholic awards for them, you would definitely write a Scientology/culty type of book. The 1 point is because, for drama's sake, I would like to see that happen.
Mitch Mitchell
Now THIS GUY is a Mitch. Mitch Mitchell??? That’s the most Mitch. Not only is his name Mitch Mitchell but he is also a drummer and a former child actor. He also did work in the Jimi Hendrix Experience, not sure what that means but he was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1992 for it. He was also inducted into the Modern Drummer Hall of Fame in 2009. This guy rocks, 10/10.
Wait, what’s this?
I did some more digging (Googled Mitch Mitchell). Turns out this guy’s name isn’t ACTUALLY Mitch? It’s “John Graham Mitchell”. What the fuck?
I was going to drop him down to an 8/10 but he’ll get a 9/10 instead for committing to the bit.
Mitch Holleman
This guy hasn’t been in a lot. You may know him as “Boy at Mall” in The Sopranos in 2000. But he most notably played one of Reba’s sons in the show Reba. Reba McEntire is the greatest person to ever have lived, and since he knows her, he gets a 7/10.
Mitch Miller
This guy was an American conductor and basically involved in all aspects of the music industry in the mid-1900s since he was also a record producer and executive. He was also a professional oboist. Name me ONE other professional oboist. You can’t do it you fucking idiot.
This guy gets a 9/10 for being and looking extremely cool. He loses one point for having the same name as that Bad hockey player.
Just check out the photo The Guardian used for his obituary:
An objectively cool dude.
I’m tired of looking up real people named Mitch who I’ve never heard of. Let’s look at characters named Mitch instead.
Mitch Buchannan, played by David Hasselhoff in Baywatch
I’ve never actually watched Baywatch so I don’t really know the premise, is it just hot girls running on a beach with a hot lifeguard? Sure I guess. Not sure why they needed so many episodes. 12 years worth of episodes, to be exact.
I looked into the plot and I guess there’s a bit more to it, but the top review on IMDB just says “Seriously, who watched this for the plot? This was one show that was basically just on so you could watch hot girls run down the beach.” So it looks like I was right.
He gets an 8/10 for being able to hang out with hot girls all day as part of his job. But David Hasselhoff is the type of hot guy that’s for the male gaze. Like dudes look at him being like “that’s a guy girls find hot” but girls don’t actually find him hot. It’s like Ryan Reynolds.
Mitch Mitchelson, a villain in The Powerpuff Girls
Huge fan of The Powerpuff Girls. And it seems like they have the greatest villain names as well. Mojo Jojo and now Mitch Mitchelson. He’s also such a Mitch. I’ve also gotten super into villains in my adulthood, I love siding with them. 9/10.
Mitch Szalinski, Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves
Look, any Mitch in the HWSTKCU (Honey, We Shrunk The Kids Cinematic Universe) will automatically be given an 8 or above. I don’t really know what else to say about this, so I guess he gets an 8/10.
That’s all the Mitches I feel like talking about today.
McLain vs. Marner: Who is the better Mitch?
Look, we already know what the answer is, but ‘due process’ or whatever
by Nathan (@hanoten)
Mitchstack is real and we are blessed for it, so obviously after learning about MITCH and other famous Mitchs, the only thing left for us was to compare our Mitch to the Mitch in the NHL with the most hype currently to figure out where ours stacks up. A measuring Mitch, if you will.
Unfortunately, this means we will be mentioning the Toronto Maple Leafs and their Mitch: Marner. Thanks to Tibs breaking down a lot of valuable information about McLain for me, that is all I will be using in my comparison.
Point 1: Birthplace
Mitch McLain was born in Baxter, Minnesota while Mitch Marner was born in Markham, Ontario. If you think I’m going to pick Marner because he was born in Canada, you clearly have no respect for the origins of Scorchstack. Get that nationalism outta here.
Obviously it’s McLain because Minnesota is The State Of Hockey and Markham is Lesser Toronto and we all know how good regular Toronto is at hockey.
McLain: 1 Marner: 0
Point 2: Nicknames
Mitch McLain is known as Moose, which is a proud animal that could definitely kill you if it felt like it but because the Moose is benevolent it allows you to exist. Perfect name for Mitch McLain.
In Googling Mitch Marner’s nickname, two options immediately came up. The first was The Magician, which, like, sure. My wife really likes magic so I don’t want to slander that much here. But the second nickname is Mitch The Stitch which is dumb because it’s meant to sound like he’s so good at threading the needle but it just sounds like Mitch has Big Cop Energy which…
he does.
McLain: 2 Marner: 0
Point 3: OId Tweets
McLain:
Marner:
This mfer doesn’t even like hockey! Bad.
McLain: 3 Marner: 0
Searching their name on Etsy
As Tibs established, when you search for Mitch McLain, it only reveals minimalist Bible art prints. One is of Luke and one is of Moses. Two different religions! Cultural appropriation, probably.
Marner at least has the decency to have bad Etsy stuff of his own face.
McLain: 3 Marner: 1
I’ve seen enough. Calling it now. The better Mitch is MITCH. Case closed.
Up Next Week
MITCH gets cut from the training camp? FUCK.