ScorchStack Issue #101 - Michael Stone (not a Flame yet, but Forever A Flame)
Breaking the button on my mouse refreshing the Capfriendly page for Michael Stone, please Brad, it's September
Congrats to Andrew Mangiapane for his upcoming nuptials…
and congrats to Jacob Markström for fucking, yet again.
Two very good and normally posed photos, great work team.
What’s inside?
The Flames are asking the public what the new goal songs should be this season, when they should have just instead asked Scorchstack.
We actually turn one of the “Coming next week” jokes into reality and unveil OilersNathan #1.
Mike watched wrestling, and now his life is better. You can maybe also feel better if you read about him watching wrestling.
Since last issue
Chris Butler was said to have been Boring Sean Monahan, but then he denied it on Twitter. No accountability in news these days.
The Flames had excellent representation at the Calgary Pride parade with the player who is poised to have the biggest breakout season for them this year.
We promise that is Matthew Phillips and not just a child drowning in a hockey jersey.
What goal song should every Calgary Flames player have?
by Tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
Yesterday, the Flames were soliciting suggestions for goal songs for the upcoming 2022-23 season.
Now I’m a bit of a music snob, but I’ll admit: a decent collection of tunes here. “I Can’t Drive 55” drags down the average but it’s fine since Hanifin doesn’t score that often. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a goal song so bad (“I Can’t Drive 55” notwithstanding) that it dampens the good vibes of my favourite team scoring a goal, and this selection of goal songs certainly keeps the mood flowing. Hell, the Flames picked “Dammit” by Blink-182 as their goal against song, which is such a good tune that I secretly hoped the Flames would get scored against at least once per home game so I could hear a song I’ve heard about 3,000 times in my life again. Sorry, but that riff is a monster.
It’s not the choices that bother me, it’s the premise: they’re all puns, and not clever puns. For example, Milan Lucic’s goal song is the A.C Milan theme song. I don’t know where Lucic’s soccer allegiances lie (mine are with A.S. Roma so fuck this song), but I’m guessing that he has the A.C. Milan theme song because his name is Milan, and the soccer club A.C. Milan -eagle-eyed readers will notice this is Lucic’s first name- is based in the Italian city of Milan, which is also Lucic’s name, Milan. His name is Milan Lucic.
The rest are more half-assed. Backlund gets “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)” not on the basis of that being a killer tune, but because Mikael BACKlund has a very common English word in his name. Rasmus Andersson gets “Razamanaz” because his nickname is Ras (pronounced “Raz”). Blake Coleman? His name half rhymes with the word “coalminer.” Is there a song about coal miners out there?
I think the best answer to this conundrum would be letting the players pick the songs, but knowing the taste of hockey players, I guarantee it would be Avicii and Florida-Georgia Line night every game. I guess it’s up to Scorchstack yet again to set the Flames on the right path.
Jonathan Huberdeau- “Rollin” by Limp Bizkit
While it may not appear so, Jonathan Huberdeau and Limp Bizkit have one major thing in common: both come from Florida. What better way to welcome our import from Florida than with Florida’s number one export?
Elias Lindholm- “Rollin” by Limp Bizkit
“Now I know y’all be loving this shit right here/L-I-M-P Bizkit is right here” is how Limp Bizkit’s iconic 2001 track “Rollin” starts off. Now whenever Elias Lindholm scores, I do love that shit right there. We can take some creative license and change the lyrics to “L-I-A-S Lindholm is right here” or “L-I-N-D holm is right here.” Maybe Fred Durst will record a special Flames edition for us!
Andrew Mangiapane- “Rollin” by Limp Bizkit
Andrew Mangiapane loves scoring goals, but we all know that he has one major problem: consistency. It may surprise you that the 35-goal scorer had five separate goal-scoring droughts of five or more games, the longest lasting 12 games, including an eight-game drought that carried over from the regular season into the playoffs. One piece of advice, Andrew? When you score a goal, make sure to “Keep rollin’, rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ (What?)/ Keep rollin’, rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ (Come on!)”
Michael Stone (not a Flame yet, but Forever A Flame)- “Rollin” by Limp Bizkit
Many will know that Michael Stone played junior for the Calgary Hitmen from 2006-10, but few will remember what the Hitmen’s goal song was during their Michael Stone era. Would you like to wager a guess? That’s right, it was Limp Bizkit’s “Rollin,” and that’s not a joke. While the Hitmen were blasting the seminal Limp Bizkit track, Michael Stone scored 52 goals across four years of hockey, including a 21-goal season as a defenceman. Compare that to his 35 goals scored in 12 NHL seasons and I think we’ve found the missing ingredient to unlocking Michael Stone’s goalscoring talent.
Matthew Phillips- “Rollin” by Limp Bizkit
“Now, I was fine with the first four entries, but this is too ridiculous! How does hyper-aggro nu metal suit little Matthew Phillips in the slightest?” You might be saying to yourself, foolishly unaware that Fred Durst is also 5’7”.
Trevor Lewis- “Rollin” by Limp Bizkit
I don’t think I’ve wasted enough of your time with this bit, let’s do a few more entries.
Jacob Markström and Dan Vladař- “Rollin” by Limp Bizkit
Vladař and Markström have combined for zero goals in their careers, so giving them a goal song might be pointless, but consider this: they’re the two tallest players on the team. Twin towers, one might say. What’s a music video that prominently features the famous Twin Towers, previously of the New York City skyline, and holds the distinction of being the final piece of media filmed at the World Trade Centre before the events of 9/11? That’s right, Limp Bizkit’s “Rollin.”
Adam Ružička- “Rollin” by Limp Bizkit
You might be thinking that the bit of this article is that no one likes Limp Bizkit and “Rollin” sucks. Haha, everyone has to listen to an annoying and bad song a lot of times. How funny.
That’s incorrect, as I love this song completely unironically. I want to hear it a lot. I want to hear it all the time.
Tyler Toffoli- “Holdin’ out for a Hero” by Bonnie Tyler
I wouldn’t change this song. What a jam.
Juuso Välimäki- “Rollin” by Limp Bizkit
“One, two, three times two to the six” -guess who’s number six on the Calgary Flames- “Jonesin’ for your fix of that VÄLIMÄKI mix.” Fred, call me. I have some ideas for you.
Chris Tanev- “Rollin” by Limp Bizkit
Substack is telling me that this post is getting too long for the email, and in fairness to other Scorchies who have something more worthwhile to say, I will cut it off here. Remember to keep rollin’, rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ (Yeah!) through your day today.
OilersNathan #1- Maybe he should focus a little less on his corsi and spend a little more time working on his classy.
Lucky to watch lots of Hall of Fame Oilers
by OilersNathan (@OilersNathan)
Welcome, Oilers fans, to the newest publication dedicated to the Edmonton Oilers found entirely within the confines of the #1 Calgary Flames Newsletter online.
OilersNathan, a name that we have previously established is entirely unlike anything else on the market right now, won’t be your standard fare when it comes to sports scribes. I should warn everyone now - my choice of topics would be idiosyncratic, random, esoteric. Do not expect game reviews, prospect lists, or trade target posts.
For instance, today I want to spill some digital ink on a topic that was lost in the shuffle for the Oilers offseason. Upon Duncan Keith’s announcement that he was retiring which unlike you I definitely didn’t forget about, Evan Bouchard decided he was switching his jersey number from 75 to Keith’s previously-worn 2.
For an up-and-coming star hailing from Oakville, Ontario (great hockey bed), I can understand the urge the replicate your heroes. The temptation. The insatiable itch, if you will.
There is a major difference though between replication and theft. Evan, you want to commemorate Keith’s style? His leadership? His je ne sais quoi? That’s a great way to endear yourself to OilersNathan.
But to loot this number from a man - who, lest we forget, was named a Top 100 NHLer of all time, for those of you who love to egregiously spew your goat emojis - right after he retired? Did you even ask permission? Or did you just look upon this chance and decide to pilfer and purloin such an iconic number?
If Evan wants to truly vault himself into the upper echelon of the Oilers of today, maybe he should focus a little less on his corsi and spend a little more time working on his classy.
Look, I get it. Some numbers need to be reused, because not everyone who manages to achieve the dream of being an NHLer can go down as an all-time great. But some numbers need to stop being used when there is a perfect pairing. Any old salt in the game knows this.
For what it’s worth, Duncan Keith should have never worn it either, but sometimes you make an exception for a legend (and also I have it on good authority that Duncan called previous players to make sure it was okay, and when you ask for the blessing, you are going to get the thumbs up from me).
But no player should have ever worn it after 1994, when the upstanding citizen Bob Beers wore it during the singular season he graced the Coliseum. Back when Craig MacTavish was patrolling with guts and courage as the Captain without a helmet. They may not have been the ‘80s, but it was certainly closer to hockey than whatever today is.
Besides, it led to a great little joke in the pressbox that 2 Beers was everyone’s favourite player because that was the perfect combination while filing the story. Maybe you would have a third beer if the old lady called you during the game to remind you to pick up diapers. Usually though, we would save that to drink with Captain Craig after the game.
I can sense though I am beginning to ramble, and even though this is my space to do with what I please, unlike Evan I can tell when I am not winning any friends with my actions. I dearly hope the former London Knight reconsiders his actions before the season starts, or this will not be the last time he hears from OilersNathan.
As we always say, God Save the Queen and God Bless the Oilers.
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Mike watched AEW: All Out 2022
I think I had said I would watch 40 or so Mariners games. All of that time watching the Mariners has been replaced with watching wrestling.
by Mike (@mikeFAIL)
I spent all of this past weekend sick and mentally exhausted. The only remedy, sleep? No. Vitamins, healthy eating, and fresh air? What do think I am? Professional wrestling on a Sunday night? Yes.
Sure if I was healthy I could have spent time in Calgary with my friends, went to a wedding, had lunch with Pat Steinberg, worked 27 iPhones in front of the Saddledome, and continued my ascension up the ranks of hockey’s best insiders. Instead my body demanded I never leave my bed for 48+ hours and remedy my illness with AEW’s All Out 2022.
Do I feel better? Yes.
So what happened? So much. If you want the most in-depth analysis, I recommend that you subscribe and support Wrestling Brain. If you want the Mike review then please continue.
Pre-Show (wait there is a pre-show?!)
The Jericho Appreciation Society’s Sammy Guevara and Tay Melo vs. Ortiz and Ruby Soho (you know, like that Rancid song) - Winner: Guevara & Melo. Rating 1.75 pieces of unchewed gum out 5
Sammy Guevara has the most punchable face in the entire world. Go ahead and Google his stupid face and tell me with a straight face that you wouldn’t try to scrub his permanent-smirk off his face with a box grater.
Of course Soho and Ortiz, two people who happen to be Eddie Kingston’s friends (like five people can say that and I wish I was Eddie’s friend) lost. Good people losing in wrestling is like when Harry Potter’s friend or some crap died in Quittich. Nathan can you fact check this?
Hook (not Dustin Hoffman) vs. Angelo Parker - Winner: Hook. Rating 2 plates of gabagool out 5
Hook beat up a guy named Angelo Parker. I am unsure if Angelo Parker is Italian but if he is then this is unacceptable. We are Italian supporters here… but Hook is also cool.
Pac vs Kip Sabian (whose name is more or less a Kingdom Hearts villain) - Winner: Pac but society’s loss. Rating 1.75 Mario Party stars out of 5
Pac is known as The Bastard, Pac which in it’s own right is a five-star nickname. Imagine Milan Lucic was introduced in the starting lineup as The Bastard, Milan Lucic? That would make Lucic infinitely more enjoyable. This match was like watching Brett Ritchie try to hit an open net.
Eddie Kingston vs. Tomohiro Ishii (whose nickname is The Stone Pitbull!!!) - Winner: Society AND Eddie Kingston. Rating 4 meaty slaps to my chest until it turns a dark purple color out of 5
I loved this match. It was Eddie Kingston (Google him and you’ll be shocked to know he is a capable wrestler) getting in a chest slapping fight with a guy who could snap me in half by breathing. I reached out to Wrestling Brain to learn more about Ishii because he often gets a lot of praise.
Everything about this was vicious and intense. Sure there was a botched move but they recovered nicely. Eddie really concussed (or maybe it was a flawless acting performance by Ishii) Ishii-san and it was a tremendous follow up to their last bout.
Main Show (seriously Mike how much is left?!)
Casino Ladder Match (The Joker, Claudio Castagnoli, Wheeler Yuta, Penta, Rey Fenix, Rush, Andrade, and Dante Martin) - Rating: it doesn’t matter.
On one hand, you see the collection of these guys, and you think “man, this cannot disappoint!” You would be right, partially. There were some cool spots (that’s wrestling language for cool moves/things happening), but then the Joker’s minions appeared and then the Joker won. The Joker ended up being (spoiler alert!) MJF!
MJF is back and that means he’ll be champion soon enough ushering in an era of unquestionably perfect promos.
The Elite vs. The Dark Order w/ Hangman Adam Page - Rating: inventing a time machine, going back to 1993, and buying $2,500 worth of McDonalds pizza out of 5
Hangman Adam Page is my favourite wrestler right now. He’s a cowboy. He’s also teamed up with two goofy, but loveable cult members in John Silver and Alex Reynolds. They’re facing Page’s on-again, off-again, on-again friends in the Young Bucks (I shit you not that’s a name out of 3 Ninjas the 1992 movie directed by Jon Turteltaub starring Victor Wong, Michael Treanor, Max Elliott Slade, and CHAD POWER) and Kenny Omega (he’s a muscular weeb from Winnipeg who is arguably the best wrestler of this era).
It was an incredible match. There were countless near-falls (when the referee almost hits a three-count), lots of spots, incredible storytelling, and in the end my favourite wrestler & his goofy friends lost. I can’t wait for a rematch.
Jade Cargill, who is a baddie vs. Athena - Rating: the match was 4:20 so blaze it out of 5
I’m a Jade Cargill fan but the this was a waste of time. The booking for all the women’s matches is poor and they never get enough time. Athena pushed Cargill at times but I kept wondering “what’s the point of this and to a larger extent, life, if there isn’t enough time?”
Wardlow and FTR vs. Jay Lethal & The Motor City Machine Guns (I shit you not these are real names) - Rating: FTR’s music is the best in the business.
There is a guy named Jay Lethal — imagine knowing someone who refers to himself as Jay Lethal. You probably know a guy like that from high school that is still your friend on Facebook. He probably likes ICP, tried being a DJ, and has most likely settled into a life of dealing really bad weed. That’s the Jay Lethal name to a tee. Don’t even get me started on a tag-team named Motor City Machine Guns.
It was an okay match.
Powerhouse Hobbs vs. Ricky Starks - Rating: Why do I even get my expectations up out 5
I predicted this would be my match of the night. It was not great given both of these men, the story, the feud, and more. Give them a rematch where it runs longer than five bloody minutes.
Swerve in Our Glory vs. The Acclaimed - Rating: give these guys two more rematches and strap five more rockets on the Acclaimed because they are as over as FTR out of 5
This was my favourite match of the night (besides the Kingston vs. Ishii match). There was storytelling, incredible spots, countless near-falls that kept you captivated, Swerve embraced his true path as a heel, Keith Lee was a bully, the Acclaimed’s entrance was incredible, Max Caster did everything he could to keep them in it, the crowd was WILD, and Anthony Bowens is one of the most enjoyable people to root for. In the end the Acclaimed lost, but they went out literally giving everything.
Put the belts on them eventually, Tony.
Toni Storm vs. Dr. Britt Baker (a real dentist), Jamie Hayter vs. Hikaru Shida - Rating: Why didn’t Hayter win the belt?! out of 5
WHY DIDN’T JAMIE WIN!? SURE YOU PLANTED THE SEEDS OF HAYTER VS. BAKER BUT WHY DIDN’T SHE WIN!?
These are matches I will not discuss because they annoyed me:
Christian Cage vs. Jungle Boy (literally a person who is Luke Perry’s son) - I guess Cage is injured so it was 20 seconds of squashing. Stupid.
Chris Jericho vs. Bryan Danielson - what’s the fucking point of this? It went 23 minutes, the longest of the night, and I don’t remember anything good. Jericho sucks. Danielson is above this crap. Go to a stupid biker rally and never come back, Chris.
Darby Allin (imagine being named Darby), Sting (from The Police), and Miro (religious warrior) beat up the goth kids: The House of Black. The booking on the HoB and Miro could be better if they tried, but they never do.
Pre-Main Event: CM Punk vs Jon Moxley - Rating: 12 ounces of blood leaking from Punk’s head out of 5
It was a great match, but nothing compared to the post-PPV media scrum.
Main-Event: CM Punk vs. The Elite, Hangman Adam Page, the AEW locker room, and his job security - Rating: Is it a work? Is it real? I guess it’s just turtles all the way down out of 5
I can’t get over the concept of everything he said to the media, in front of his employer, and not getting fired but this is wrestling. Wrestling is a land of make-believe where men, women, and non-binary folks beat the piss out of each other for belts. Suspend all belief and try to stop thinking logically here. This is a world where a guy named Miro calls himself a redeemer and appears to be a 2022-version of a 13th century knight heading to the holy land for the Crusades. There is a faction whose leader spits black mist into his opponent’s eyes and they turn evil. THERE IS A GUY NAMED DADDY MAGIC MATT MENARD WHO CHEWS GUM VICIOUSLY, SEETHING WITH RAGE, AND STARING INTO A CAMERA.
NOTHING MAKES SENSE. EVERYTHING IS A WORK, BUT IT’S NOT. You know what isn’t a work? Scorchstack.
I thoroughly enjoyed AEW All Out 2022 and I recommend everyone who subscribes to Scorchstack to experience the majesty of professional wrestling.
Up Next Week
Krayden goes ‘undercover’ after we fired him by getting a job at the FanAttic within the Saddledome but has to quite after threatening to be fired becuase he keeps leaving his post to film games and take weird selfies.
We preview the Penticton tournament. We’re serious this time!