IggyStack #1 - Jarome Iginla: what more can you say, folks?
The most perfect man to have ever graced the Flames with his presence
At IggyStack, we will continue to publish amazing stories about Jarome Arthur-Leigh Adekunle Tig Junior Elvis Iginla every week until we run out or until the Flames win another Stanley Cup, which means this publication will never die.
What’s inside?
Iginla’s smile and candor were so disarming, it can break down anyone’s walls and give them a nice cry, and Mike tells us just how many times Iggy did that to him.
Jarome Iginla is a perpetual muse, but that doesn’t mean everyone inspired by him should write music. Tibs waded into YouTube to find the best and worst of Iggy songs.
Do you remember Iggy’s 500th goal? Of course, it would be illegal not to. But what if a different shot had been #500? Floob goes back to a time before Joseph Kony to investigate.
What is Jarome Iginla better than? Nearly everything. In fact, he may be the best damn thing on the planet. Ramz specifically figures out 32 very good things though that Jarome is better than, just to show you how well he holds up.
Since last issue
This is the first-ever IggyStack, so there wasn’t a last issue. However, around this time last week our sister publication ScorchStack released issue #62 and folks just couldn’t stop reading it and saying: wow!
Did you know Subway has a sandwich they call Italian BMT? We will be advising Diamond, Diamond, and Scorchstack about this because BMT is all about the Big Monday Thing and not the Italian Big Meaty Taste (?).
Not us, but it’s worth reading Hailey Salvian’s piece in The Athletic with 20 stories about Iginla not often told. Congrats to Hailey for yet again being the reason I think maybe the $1 a month I pay is maaaaaybe worth some value.
Joy.
I cry about Jarome Iginla a lot
Where Mike details how many times he cried.
by Mike (@mikeFAIL)
Jarome Iginla - Hockey Hall of Fame Inductee
Left to right: Unknown, doesn't matter; Jarome Arthur-Leigh Adekunle Tig Junior Elvis Iginla; Right: Uhhh Gord? Everyone in St. Albert is probably named Gord if they're a mere mortal compared to Jarome.
Folks, it finally happened, and let me tell you this: I cried three times during the speech. To be honest I’ve cried countless other times involving Jarome Iginla.
I cried the night he got traded to Pittsburgh. I cried at his first game back in the Dome, with the Bruins the following season. I cried when he formally retired (and I needed a few days off work). I cried the day the Flames announced they would retire his number. I cried the day of the game, where they would retire his number. I cried the day the city of St. Albert announced they would rename the local arena after him. I secretly cried when I got home after meeting my boyhood idol the day the renaming occurred.
When it came to the Hall of Fame evening, it was no different than any other time. A rush and flurry of memories, many of which I had to watch from afar; milestones being passed; personal accomplishments and team accomplishments he helped drive by being a singular, dominating force through his prime; and the twilight years as I sat at home, with bated breath of hoping I could see him hoist the Stanley Cup.
A lot of what I feel and have felt towards him as a player, as a fan myself borders on a parasocial relationship. I think for a lot of us that wouldn’t be ridiculous to state — that most sports-fan relationships cross over into that territory. Ultimately it came and continues to come from a good place and like many I just wanted to see the guy I idolized as much as Joe Sakic (my first real hockey hero) to acquire the riches and trophies befitting of a man of his caliber.
When James Duthie was setting the scene, with Iginla being the last inductee of the evening it was painfully clear the waterworks would be a problem. The second time I lost control of my eye faucets was when he got his plaque with Mark Messier, one of his boyhood idols. Do I like Mark Messier? Fuck no, but it was a nice touch. The third time was for the bulk of his speech because who doesn’t love a great Iggy speech.
He looked nervous and even for a few brief moments, capable of tears but he powered through it regardless. Everything about it was quintessential Jarome Iginla: the smile, the candor, the way he tried to make it more about everyone around him helping him get to this point. The platitudes about Iggy being selfless and modesty are real and always have been, but for one more night, the young and old of the NHL world got to another taste of it.
And then in an instant, the night was over. His name etched in the hallowed halls of hockey history, rightfully. None of this will be the last we hear about him as he continues his retirement, coaching his kids, and giving back. If anything it feels like the perfect way to enter an extended interlude where we can collectively reflect and rejoice in seeing a next-to-perfect evening unfold for all of us well-wishers.
The only thing the evening lacked was Craig Conroy getting on stage and regaling everyone with his absolute favourite stories; many of which we may have heard or read about, but nonetheless the greater public should know them. The Flames could easily just produce a limited series of podcasts where Conroy and Iginla sit in a room, telling their stories, laughing, and sharing their company. Do it, cowards.
Songs about Jarome Iginla
Here are some songs about Jarome Iginla.
by Christian (@decayinwtheboys)
Jarome Iginla: what more can you say, folks?
No really, what more can you say, especially if you’re some dope who writes about hockey as a hobby? The man has been around since before the internet, and his career lasted well into the extremely online era: literally everything that could be said about him, has been said about him. It’s hard to express my own personal love for him because there’s a specific word limit you hit where people will stop reading no matter how much they agree with you, and also because I’m sure someone out there has said it better and it’s easier to find a link to that rather than just repeat it.
So instead of some heartfelt tribute to the man who made me love hockey that I will probably write, re-write, and then trash because I think it’s already been said before, I’m going to YouTube to find out about the overlooked, musical ways he inspired other people. That is much more interesting to me, hopefully YouTube does not disappoint!
Title: “The Jarome Iginla song”
Based on: “Hava Nagila” - Jewish folk song
Artist: Mike Richards of Fan 960
Most confusing lyric: “He’s a guy/who likes chiclets… the gum!”
Kicking off the list is the surprising first result for “jarome iginla song” on youtube dot com, a very old Fan 960 parody uploaded in 2007 with all that wonderful Windows Movie Maker magic and cultural insensitivity of the era.
The coolest thing about bad parody songs is that you can immediately tell they had one idea they wanted to commit to so badly. That one idea was that “Jarome Iginla” rhymed with “Hava Nagila,” and then it starts going off the rails into mad libs nonsense, with lyrics like
“He’s got a lot of cash/his friend is Steven Nash.” There are no photos of Nash and Iginla together, which is extremely unfortunate, and I hate this song for making me think that there were photos of them together. No one calls him Steven either, his name is famously Stephen.
That gum line above. Based on the video showing the female sign at that lyric, I think it’s actually supposed to be “He’s a guy who likes chick….lets the gum!” but the execution is botched. It appears it was also bad to imply that a married man might like girls, for some reason.
“He is a hockey player/not working as a waiter/Doesn’t take the elevator/Not afraid of alligators.” They really got their money out of that rhyming dictionary.
“Scores some goals (Hey! Knows Bob Cole!) and gets a lot of girls” well I guess it’s fine to point out that Jarome Iginla is straight now. Nevermind.
Stinky! I hope 960 had to issue an apology for putting this on the air. Not only for two sports radio hosts doing their worst caricatures of Jewish people, but also because this sucks.
Good YouTube comment:
Official rating: 1.5/10
Title: “Hey There Iginla”
Based on: “Hey There Delilah” - Plain White T’s
Artist: SubplotA
Most Confusing Lyric: “Hey there Iginla, when you’re sitting on the bus / Next to Conroy do you use noise reduct- / -tion headphones?/ You oughta try my set of Bose”
A Calgary Facebook classic. You could barely escape “Hey There Delilah” in the late 2000s, and then this song came around and breathed second life into the corniest sad lad anthem. Only Iggy could redeem that.
To SubplotA’s credit, this does actually resonate emotionally unlike what it’s parodying. Yes, I do remember thinking that the Flames did actually have a path to the finals in 08/09 despite being the fifth seed. Yes, I was upset that Iginla had priced Cammalleri out of Calgary, but I couldn’t fault him for it and I knew things would work out in the end (they did! Kind of). And yes, pointing out that Iginla sacrificed all the glory and the hardware to stay in shitty ol’ Calgary to chase the cup dream does make me appreciate the man every time I’m reminded about it.
But “Hey There Delilah” still sucks, and since it’s the foundation of this song, it fundamentally sucks no matter how hard it tugs on my heartstrings or how it keeps 12-year-old emotions fresh.
Good YouTube Comment:
Please note that I did like the comment.
Official rating: 6.2/10
Title: “In Da Dome… Flames Song”
Based on: “In Da Club” - 50 Cent
Artist: I think Vibe 98.5? I can’t remember.
Most confusing lyric: The guy ad-libbing. Don’t know what he thinks he’s contributing.
Perhaps the most classic in Flames fan lore, “In Da Dome” has somehow remained a favourite damn near 17 years after it debuted on Calgary FM airwaves.
All playoff runs, no matter how far-fetched or uninspiring, will get a quickly shit-out hype anthem. It’s guaranteed to go lightly viral in every market for about two weeks and then go into the dustbin of history. Type in “[team] playoff anthem” or “[team] hype anthem” and you’ve got your cringe content for the next few weeks. Add in a specific year, if you feel like it.
This song escapes the cringe zone for some reason. Perhaps it existed before “cringe” became the primary category of which all new artistic output is judged, thus allowing it to escape the immediate internet dismissal it would’ve faced had it been uploaded in recent times (case in point: the forgettable remake they did for 2018-19).
And maybe it’s all the childhood nostalgia of actually being a wide-eyed optimist and actually getting hyped to this song (which my parents probably absolutely hated) that’s tricking my brain into thinking it’s actually a good song. I’ll be honest: I was not looking forward to listening to “In Da Dome” again, knowing full well I would probably die internally at the fact that I listed this as my favourite song for a short period of my life. Fortunately, child brain took over and I was bopping my head to this really dumb rap song that has a shoutout to Chris Simon but not Robyn Regehr or Marty Gelinas in it.
If I had to punish Hey There Iginla for being based on a bad song, I do have to credit “In Da Dome” for being based on a great one. Add in the fact that they did hire people who could actually rap and throw together a cohesive two minutes, and you’ve got a banger.
Good YouTube comment:
Official rating: 7/10
Title: “The New Jarome Iginla Song”
Based on: “Tequila” - The Champs
Artist: Mike Sweeney
Most confusing lyric: None
I clicked play and immediately knew where this was headed. And I laughed anyways. Only 850 views for this genius in 13 years of existence.
Good YouTube comment:
No comments on this video, but two dislikes from total mouthbreathers.
Official rating: 10/10
Title: “Jarome Iginla”
Based on: Nothing, original content.
Artist: Euryoky
Most confusing lyric: None
This is a trance song called “Jarome Iginla”. I turned to SoundCloud for additional Iginla content, and I found this lying among all the interviews and podcasts about or featuring our forehead-creased hero.
It’s just trance music, and it’s actually a bit of a banger. But why Jarome Iginla? Thankfully, the artist has provided some context:
Well, Euryoky, you couldn’t have picked a better title.
Official rating: 10/10
Title: “Jarome Iginla Retirement Song”
Based on: “Happy Birthday” - Traditional
Artist: Chicken Wing Institute
Most confusing lyric: All of it
I really don’t know where to start with this. Let’s break it down, hopefully that makes sense:
Old couple are at the piano with wine glasses and a picture of Iginla in a plexiglass frame.
They call someone, presumably Jarome Iginla.
Guy flubs the piano part immediately. No retake, they’re on the line with Jarome Iginla.
They sing Jarome a retirement song, something that I’m not sure people do
The retirement song is actually the famous “Happy Birthday” song, which is something I’m especially sure that people don’t do.
After the traditional run-through of “Happy Retirement to You”, the man launches into a sung-spoken interlude about how happy the league is that they no longer have to face Jarome Iginla.
Camera angle changes briefly for no real reason.
That’s finished, and then they run through “Happy Retirement to You” two more times, once with extra heart from his wife even though she gives the exact same level of heart as the previous two renditions.
He adds heart by ending the song with a flourish of “We love you! We love you number 12! You are so special to ussssssssssssssss!”
They hang up the phone without talking to Jarome Iginla or getting his thoughts on what just happened.
This is all produced by Chicken Wing Institute, a Calgary-based internet humour venture specializing in chicken wing humour run by old people with a curious understanding of meme culture. They do not appear to have a chicken wing restaurant or sell anything chicken wing-related.
Nope, I’m still lost. Kind of charming though.
Good YouTube comment:
There are no YouTube comments on this one either.
Official rating: Strong 8/10
Title: “Jarome Iginla (lyrics)”
Based on: Nothing! Original content, baby.
Artist: Tedy Brewski
Most confusing lyric: “She just want the sex/she want my gender/it’s the only thing on her agenda/captain stabbin/left a hundred holes in her placenta.”
This was the starting point of the article, a really silly SoundCloud rap song that’s not even about Jarome Iginla that I found a few years ago and never had the moment to share. The opening lyric is “I’m iced out Jarome Iginla/and I been gone all winta” and then it goes into descriptions of sex that make you wonder if the artist has actually had any. There is no further Jarome Iginla content to be found, he shares equal song time with Kemba Walker.
Of the two rap songs about Jarome Iginla on this list, this ranks firmly at #2.
Good Youtube Comment:
Official rating: 4/10
The 500th Goal Jarome Iginla Almost Scored
I'm never not thinking about this.
by Floob (@itlooksreal)
January 7th, 2012. The Minnesota Wild sidled into town for an evening tilt against your Calgary Flames. The game remained scoreless as the clock reset itself for the third and final frame. A sold-out Flames faithful of 19,289 at the Scotiabank Saddledome grew tense and restless, for good reason.
With the third period swinging into gear without a goal from the Flames meant the team had officially gone six full periods and change without putting a puck in the back of the net. Two days prior, they spent an unforgettably putrid night in Beantown getting absolutely speed bagged by the Boston Bruins, a 9-0 shin kick many fans still remember today. You know the one. It’s the game that ruined Leland Irving’s career. In between the Mayhem in Massachusetts and this famously typical Minnesota Wild snoozefest, the team had shaken things up by executing a blockbuster trade that sent Flames defenseman Brendan Mikkelson to Tampa Bay in exchange for one of my all-time inexplicably favourite players, Blair Jones, who was making his Calgary debut in this contest.
Oh, and Flames captain and all-time everything Jarome Iginla was sitting on 499 career NHL goals.
I don’t know why, but EVERYONE thought Iggy was going to score #500 against the Bruins. Big-time Flames fan Ryan Lambert bought tickets specifically to see Jarome seal his fate. Obviously, that didn’t happen. And now, the man that meant everything to the city of Calgary had his chance to hit THE milestone, the one that seems to matter more than any other in the NHL, and he could do it in front of thousands upon thousands of his flock, legions of devotees who don a jersey with his name on the back of it.
He couldn’t have had a better chance if he had written the script himself.
Lurking, unmarked in the slot - fucking SOMEHOW - as he had every game since striding through the arrival gate at the Calgary International Airport in 1996, an errant puck skimmed across a nearly pristine sheet of ice, effortlessly, seductively, absolutely BEGGING Jarome to do the thing to it that Jarome could do better than anyone else. That frozen rubber disc fell right into his wheelhouse, and Iggy took full advantage of it, wiring that patented slapshot square at a helpless Niklas Bäckström, whom I imagine crafted a quick goodbye letter to his family in his head in the split second it became abundantly clear what was about to happen.
I mean, Jarome MURDERED this puck. He fustigated it. The man never won a hardest slap shot contest in his career, but I would bet on your children that nothing on earth has ever been directed at a goalie faster. If Bäckström had stopped it, whatever part of his body the shot hit would have to be re-attached.
There was just one problem:
Destiny is a fickle bitch. Right, Jarome?
I have searched every page that currently exists on the internet, and I can’t find any footage of this shot, but I remember it as vividly in my brain as if I just witnessed it two seconds ago. An entire stadium collectively hushed, before falling fully silent, the puck playing a perfect F# note off the crossbar, careening upward off the bar into space, never to be seen again. The crowd murmurs and collects its breath, marvels at what it just saw, and decompresses communally on the sharp realization that the main event they came to see had yet to take center stage.
If you told me the paint rubbed clean off the post from the impact of his shot, I would believe you. If you told me it left an exact one-inch dent in the galvanized steel, I would say of course it did. How could it not? It was the kind of shot that births legend. It would have been the PERFECT 500th goal for Jarome Iginla: alone in the slot, a devastating slap shot out of nowhere, ethering the opposition. The quintessential Iggy play. But it wasn’t meant to be. Not this time.
Five minutes and twenty-one seconds of game time would pass, and with the crowd still wistfully commiserating over the memory they so narrowly avoided, we would be offered some measure of satisfaction:
I mean, they all count. Especially this one. ESPECIALLY THIS ONE. But as far as big milestone moments go, it’s a bit of a stinker. “The fluke for 500” is what they literally describe it as on Hockey Night In Canada.
I will never, ever complain that Jarome got to have his big moment in front of the city that loved him like family, but I’ve never stopped thinking about that fucking crossbar. Iggy will be the first to tell you it doesn’t matter how they go in, as long as they go in at all, and he’s right. But with all the stories we’ve been regaled with over the days and nights about how hyper-competitive our captain is, you have to know that internally he was stewing over that missed opportunity. His favourite player growing up was Mark Messier. Messier himself had a “signature” goal. It was just a simple wrist shot on his off-wing coming off the rush, because it was the early ‘90s and the goaltending of the day was utter dogshit, but it was still “his” play. While plying his trade with the Rangers, that gleaming skulled oak tree of a man notched his 500th goal - against the Flames no less - and he scored it That Way. I have to imagine a young Iggy watched his hero pull that off and daydreamed ad nauseum about a moment like that he could emulate…and he was an inch away from getting it.
Jarome Iginla was one of the most special players we’ve ever seen, and he would score a ton of goals after this game - number 600 was eerily similar - to cap off a lifetime of moments we’ll never forget. If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance he’s your all-time favourite (he’s mine by a mile). We have been incredibly blessed to witness one of the greatest hockey has ever produced work his magic while wearing a C engulfed in fire on his chest, a storybook career that no one can ever take away from him, or us. But scoring #500 on THAT shot would have been such a career-defining moment, one the entire planet reminisces about the same way they do several other legendary NHL moments. Instead, it’s just me, one weird asshole yelling into the void about a puck that hit a crossbar once. Jarome clearly, rightfully moved on and took advantage literally minutes later, but it’s my curse to think about this for the rest of my life.
32 things Jarome Iginla is better than
The number is really infinite, but you know
by Ramz (@ramzreboot)
Jarome Iginla is better than most things in the world. Arguably he’s better than all things in this world. However, a true testament of how good he is is if I claim he’s better than things that I actually really like. So here are 32 incredible things that Jarome Iginla is still better than (in no particular order).
My emotional support post-it note bookmark
Mama Shlah’s banana bread
Tim Hortons steeped tea double-double
My $11 memory foam bath mat from Costco
The show The Blacklist
Baba Shlah’s glasses
My nasal spray that helps with my post-nasal drip
This garlic prawn spaghettini from Earls that I had one time three months ago and I’m still thinking about it
Mark Giordano (sorry)
My new mug I got for $5.99 from Homesense
Thor: Ragnarok
Endgame Hulk
Hulk’s ass in Thor: Ragnarok
Bagels with cream cheese and smoked salmon
Toronto blowing a 3-1 series lead to a team that lost 57% of its games in the regular season
When Baba Shlah texts the family group chat asking if anybody wants “tee”
When JWoww said, “You can stay and get your ass beat, you can stay and get your ass beat, or you can stay and get your fuckin ass beat.”
Hairspray (2007)
James Marsden singing “It’s hairspray” in Hairspray (2007)
An evening coffee when you don’t have work the next day
My toes when I don’t have ingrown toenails
Colin Mochrie (they’re both Canadian icons too)
mcdonals hamburger
Dollar drink days during the summer
Public libraries
When Steve from Blues Clues said “I never forgot you”
At the end of George of the Jungle when the ape said, “Madam, I knew Jane Goodall and you are no Jane Goodall.”
Brendan Fraser
Lee Kum Kee sriracha mayo
This photo:
The soundtrack from Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping
This deleted scene from the Scooby-Doo (2002) movie:
Up Next Week
We take a deep dive on the tactics that are working for the U15 prep team at the RINK Hockey Academy in Kelowna, coached none other than Jarome Iginla.
As if that wasn’t enough, he is also assisting the U18 prep team, so you know we’ll cover them too.
The Calgary Flames return home, but how will this affect Iggy?