Burn The Tape: A chimpanzee playing hockey?
You better believe it, baby
Hello everyone! After I started the inaugural movie review series, I’m back for another. Only this time, I’m reviewing arguably one of the greatest movies of all time - MVP: Most Valuable Primate.
Now, when you look up “worst hockey movies of all time”, this movie is always on those lists. It’s always in the top five worst hockey movies, even as number 1 on some sites. I don’t understand that. This movie is incredible and not just in the sports category. A chimpanzee is playing hockey. How can you not love it?
Anyways, let’s get into the movie.
The movie starts with a primate hockey fan (he has posters all over his room of hockey) getting out of bed and getting ready for the day. His name is Jack. This is one of the very first scenes:
Amazing.
His owner seems to be some sort of doctor? We don’t fully understand it yet, but we will. He also knows sign language.
We now move on to Nelson, BC where the majority of this movie is based. The main character in this movie Steve, also known as Josh Framm from the Air Bud movies, is shooting pucks into a net in the snow outside. He loves animals that play sports I guess. His sister is just smiling and watching.
We now learn that Jack is some sort of experiment for grad students to show how much of a genius he is? I don’t know, it seems shitty.
You find out Josh Framm’s younger sister is deaf. Hey, who else knows sign language? That’s right, the chimpanzee! The girl (her name is Tara) is upset because everyone in her class got invited to this girl’s birthday except for her. She actually did get invited but the card fell on the ground. Maybe just do a quick scan of your surroundings before making assumptions next time, Tara.
We go back to the place where Jack is. The maintenance guy here where Jack is being held captive loves him and they have a lot of fun together. Jack seems to also really like him and has fun with him. The maintenance guy now reads him a bedtime story and then kisses him goodnight on the forehead and tucks him in??? I’m crying, why am I already crying less than 10 minutes into a movie titled “Most Valuable Primate” what the fuck.
The doctor guy who was showing Jack to the grad students dies I guess?
Josh Framm is now playing Junior B hockey and is new to the team. They show the goalie, who they call Magoo by the way, and the coach says, “He was the top rookie for the WHL last year but his nerves got the better of him and he’s not good anymore.” Alright, kind of rude. Now the goalie seems very concussed after being hit in the head with a puck and everyone is laughing at him? Fully convinced Bettman wrote and directed this.
Josh Framm is from California I guess. We don’t learn why he moved here. He’s also very clearly the best player on the team. After he scores in practice, these two players corner him and they go, “Yeah welcome to junior b hockey, no time to celebrate” is that supposed to be a brag? They also call him palm tree boy as if that’s supposed to be an insult?? You guys are from Nelson, BC. Imagine being from Nelson, BC and making fun of a guy for being from California.
My apologies to anyone from Nelson, BC who is offended by this.
It’s now the season opener of, what I thought was a random high school team, but I guess it’s this junior b team, that clearly no kids care about. Just check out all this yawning:
Also check out that extra staring directly at the camera. They didn’t need to reshoot that four-second scene, it’s fine.
This old dude is the only one who cares about this team:
He’s saying, “Come on, just one win this season. Just one” So clearly they don’t win any games ever. The team (the Golden Nuggets) comes on to the ice and one girl yells, “You guys suck!” Very cool thing to yell at children playing sports. The other team won 4-0.
Jack and the maintenance dude are wiping the floors and some guys in lab coats come in, don’t see them, and start talking where one guy says he has decided to discontinue the research and sell the chimp to another facility. Another dude says that it was his understanding that the doctor who died was going to send him back to the nature preserve he’s from. But the other dude wants money. They absolutely could have discussed this in an office, not just some random open hallway where another guy is even standing and taking notes. Clearly, it’s for the dramatic effect so the maintenance guy can hear. By the way, I’m not being an ass by only referring to him as the maintenance guy, we never learn his name.
The dude says that Jack has been sold to this university in Tennessee and another dude, the captions say his name is “Einsteen” lol, he’s the only one who gets a name with the captions nobody else does, says, “Isn’t that where they’re doing hepatitis testing?” The main doctor says at the end, “None of this information should leave this group” Yeah that’s why you talked about it in an open hallway where anybody can walk into instead of a closed office space.
The maintenance guy says, “Hepatitis, that’s not good Jack! People can die from that!” I love this guy.
Jack shows he wants to go home and I’m crying again. The maintenance guy decides to try and get him home and helps him pack. He buys him a ticket to the nature preserve and sneaks Jack into a bag and puts him on the train. He then gives him a bunch of cash and a note to give to a taxi driver when he arrives, he then says, “You’re going to see your mama again Jack.” Crying again thanks. Also if you’re wondering how nobody checks his big bag with clearly something moving inside, this movie was made in 2000, pre 9/11.
The maintenance guy cries when the train leaves :(
Now back to the game. The in-game announcer calls out the ref for missing an obvious penalty. Love that, wish Beesley did that. The guy who got injured due to the call the ref clearly missed is laying on the ice not moving and he just gets dragged off by his feet? Nobody cares about injuries in this movie.
Wait, I’m confused. So Josh Framm goes to call out the ref and his teammate says, “they’re the home team they’re not getting called for anything. This ain’t high school hockey, ok?” and Josh Framm says, “You’re right about that.” What?? It is high school hockey? Is it not? Am I stupid? That’s also a very big possibility.
Josh Framm gets a breakaway and the people in the stands start throwing eggs at him? How is this allowed? This guy also tripped him, he’s very clearly not young enough to play for a junior b team:
He’s supposed to be in the same age group as Josh Framm:
Nothing makes sense. Just look at this picture, there are 17 different age groups here:
We go back to Jack who fell asleep and missed his stop. Who could have seen that coming? This train is now in Nelson, BC? I guess this train goes from California to specifically Nelson, BC for some reason. You don’t need a passport.
Jack sees Josh Framm and his sister eventually but he walks away. He finds a treehouse with a bed and lights and everything. How convenient. He stays there for the night. The next morning, he hears Josh Framm playing hockey by himself outside while his sister is watching and also eating a banana, so maybe it’s Josh Framm’s treehouse.
Jack stole her banana, she screams when she sees him, and Josh Framm runs over. She tells him what happened and he said, “Tara this is Canada there’s no monkey in the woods.” Well, Josh Framm you’re in for a fuckin treat.
Tara tries to find the monkey after school and goes up to the treehouse. She faints when she sees him and Jack is just staring at her. He signs “Girl ok?” when she wakes up. How sweet. They are now holding hands. They are friends.
Tara sneaks Jack into their house and eventually, Josh Framm sees him. They leave to go play hockey outside again and Jack wants to wear skates too so they take a pair for him. They somehow have a pair that will fit him perfectly. They are now teaching him to skate. While the humans are shooting pucks, Jack tries and shoots a very hard slap shot that it rips through the net. Watch out, Shea Weber.
It’s now the high school hockey (?) game and Josh Framm scores. Jack somehow found his way to the school. He sneaks his way in and into the locker room. He puts on a bunch of hockey equipment and for some reason, there’s already a jersey with the name Ribchimpski. Great coincidence that there’s a player named that. He finds his way to the ice and climbs over. Nobody is freaked out by this. They all think this player, that they already know, is already on the bench, and looks about 3 and a half feet tall, is perfectly normal. Everyone’s amazed at how fast he is. He scores. Nobody notices it’s not a human yet.
Eventually, everyone notices it’s a monkey and everyone points and laughs for some reason. Nobody is amazed at a chimpanzee playing hockey. The ref says, “Inelligble player, no goal” lol. Jack goes off and cries :(
Since he’s a great hockey player the coach tries to convince some type of board members to allow the chimp to play. They all agree unanimously, nobody questions it. The coach then tells the team that Jack is joining and they are all making jokes. The coach says, “You guys may actually have a championship season now,” even though they are already more than halfway through the season and haven’t won a single game. One guy says, “Don’t you mean a chimpionship season?” Everyone laughs.
Everyone in the stands cheers when Jack comes out on the ice. He and Josh Framm do literally everything, nobody else is useful. They win 4-1 and have their first win of the season. If they didn’t win this game they were mathematically eliminated from the playoffs and now everyone believes they will win the championship now.
Josh Framm is then just practicing with the goalie. The goalie clearly has terrible vision. Josh Framm says, “Come on, I have an idea” and just gets him glasses. Wonder why nobody else has thought of this. Everyone cheers at the next game when he makes one single save. He has never made a save before. Everyone in the stands wears fake glasses just like the goalie’s to celebrate him and they all chant his name because he made one save.
They win their next game and are officially going to the Harvest cup.
We go to that doctor at the university (in California) who wanted to sell him and he’s watching the news and they show a random high school game from Nelson, BC. On a California news station. Makes sense. The doctor finds out where Jack has been and is very angry.
The team is on the team bus in Vancouver now. They’re all like, “Look at the buildings!!” while oohing and aahing. They have no buildings in Nelson, BC. They see a blonde woman walking and all start whistling. One guy says, “Boy, we sure ain’t in Kansas anymore.” There are no blonde women in Nelson, BC.
It’s the Harvest cup against a Calgary team and the stands are full of scouts and they all have binoculars. Calgary scores immediately. Tara is then seen getting hot chocolate and the evil doctors from that university are looking for Jack. They have signs and ask Tara. She runs away which isn’t suspicious at all. They obviously follow her.
They follow her to the locker room where she goes to warn the team. They say they have a court order to take Jack. The coach says, “Well this area is only for hockey players which you are not” and closes the door on them. He does not care for the law, gotta respect it.
It’s now the second period and Jack’s team scores. Tara sees the evil doctors in the stands and since she can read lips, she sees them say they’re going to take Jack at the end of the game. Tara found a photo of Jack with his mom and on the back, it says “El Simian Nature Preserve.” Josh Framm apparently has an idea to save Jack. We of course don’t get to know it.
Josh Framm leaves the game for his plan I guess. He and what looks to be Tara get into a cab. Their parents are still in the stands. Jack scores with 1 second remaining, they win the championship. But wait, it’s not Jack! It’s Tara under that helmet! Nobody notices it was a teenage girl instead of a chimpanzee. Jack actually left to get into the cab with Josh Framm. The doctors are shocked and upset. Nobody cares about this court order apparently.
Josh Framm takes Jack to the airport and is sending him off back home. It’s very emotional. I am crying for the fourth time in this movie.
Jack signs to Josh Framm that he loves him. Here come the waterworks again.
The team is now partying in the locker room. Tara is still partying with them. Everyone is ok with this. The goalie just got signed to a team, all he needed was glasses I guess. How has nobody realized this? Josh Framm gets invited to play for a team in the WHL in Vancouver.
We’re now at the end of the movie and Jack gets to El Simian Nature Preserve. Wait, what’s this? The maintenance worker is now working there!!! Jack loses it!!! They run and hug each other. I genuinely did not see this coming. What a great moment, I’m crying for the sixth time in this movie.
Jack is reunited with his mom. They all freak out. Crying for the seventh time! That’s it, that’s the movie. The end.
I will NEVER understand why this movie gets terrible reviews. It’s not even a “it’s so bad it’s good”, it’s just genuinely a good movie. I know I’m never genuine but I mean it this time. It invokes every type of emotion you could want in a movie: Anger, sadness, hopefulness, and happiness. It had many conflicts and resolutions. The bad guys didn’t win! And look at that scene with the maintenance worker and Jack hugging! How could you not love it?
All in all, I cried seven times total in this movie and it is incredible. Even if you don’t like it, it’s a chimpanzee playing hockey. That’s objectively very funny. Truly a 10/10 movie I don’t care what anybody says.