Big Mike-day Thing (BMT)
It's Mike's birthday so Paypal him $34. Birthday Mikeday Thing? Backlund +Mikael = Thing? Who knows. Give me some money though.
I’m 34 today and honestly the happiest I’ve ever been with my life, which might surprise many given I’ve been bald for 1/3 of my life. The kids on the streets call turning 34 “your Kiprusoff year” which can only mean two things: I’m about to take up smoking and I’m going to also disappear into the woods never to be seen again. Before I do those two things I’m going to Calgary today so I can see the dreaded Laramie, the dear rat boy, the ultimate shit heel in the flesh: Matthew Tkachuk.
It’s also ScorchCon 1.5 which means we’re destined to see something traumatic happen in the hockey game thus inching us all closer to extreme nihilism for this beleaguered sport. For everything that is holy (which isn’t much), let’s all hope that Jacob Markström doesn’t continue his Mike Smith impression which has gone on for a staggeringly long Andy Kaufmanesque length already.
Enough about people who’ve wronged me and ruined nights where I’ve spent hundreds of dollars celebrating heroes and idols only to have the experience derailed by bastardized excuses of “doing their jobs”, let’s talk about Rat Boy Tkachuk.
If you asked us four years ago if we’d expect this to be a game, an outcome, or a reality I doubt you would find a consistent answer. For me, it didn’t seem realistic, but then again, bad things happen in life and then more bad things happen — like a hockey player you really adore leaving your favourite hockey team.
The only solace that still exists after this summer is the fact that Andy Strickland touted Tkachuk to St. Louis until Andy’s dying breath, in a portable toilet, in downtown St. Louis, where he was trampled by a herd of Blues fans stampeding to meet their shithead idol Jordan Binnington at a local gas station.
Impressive stuff, Andy. How’d that work out for you, fucknuts?
The Week of: November 21 - 27th
Results From Past Week:
A week of pissing, screaming, diarrhea, and absurdities.
The Flames continued their eastern road trip with a stop in Philadelphia, against a team that should be relegated to the Austrian Tier I league. They won unsurprisingly, but what was surprising is that Jonathan Huberdeau scored a goal.
A 2-1 shootout loss to the Penguins followed next, with a goaltending performance for the ages from Dan Vladař. I’m not going to call him Darth Vladař because the Star Wars franchise exhausts me and I’m a sicko who once wanted a full Star Wars tattoo sleeve. I know, I know I’m disgusting; you don’t have to think about it and tell me. The real story is who should be starting moving forward. The answer should be Dan Vladař but hey, not all of us can miss the game and say it should have been Markström.
Admittedly, I did not watch the Capitals game last Friday. One reason is I have a day job and the second reason is that hockey at noon (my time) is not real hockey. Apparently, the Flames got - am I reading this right? - shutout? Well, that sucks!
The Flames then closed out the road trip the following day with a matinee game versus Carolina which they also lost. I watched this game and let me tell you something: Rasmus Andersson deciding to try to exit / get the puck out on the weak side during the final minute of the game gave me little reason to continue this mortal coil we all share.
Well that’s disappointing, but that’s life the Calgary Flames sometimes most times!
Flames Overall Record: 9-9-3. 21 pts
Standings: 4th in the Wild Card race; 5th in the Pacific. Uh, oh! Are the Flames not good?!
Soundtrack: The Armed - Masunaga Vapors
This is the closest representation of what I think it was like watching Matthew Tkachuk play for the Calgary Flames for six seasons. I’m certain The Armed wrote this about dear rat boy.
Funny Big Bang Theory Clip Of The Week:
Fun fact: I once binge-watched the entire 279-episode Big Bang Theory series with the singular intent of laughing at least ten times.
I laughed five times.
What We Liked:
You know who else is playing great and deserves more attention? Tyler Toffoli. Last season’s stint with Calgary was nothing short of underwhelming. There was a gulf between the expected version of Tyler Toffoli versus what we witnessed, and that was worrisome. As expected with presumably better conditioning, health, and integration into this roster Toffoli has looked akin to what fans hoped to see last season.
Through the first 21 games of the season, Toffoli is #1 on the Flames in GAR (goals-above-replacement) in the Evolving-Hockey model. His 6.3 GAR accounts for 1.1 WAR (wins-above-replacement) which sits him 18th out of all forwards in the league this season. He’s also leading the Flames in on-ice 5v5 xGF% as well, which again, whips serious ass.
Beyond using a singular metric to equate value-added by Toffoli this season, his individual production at 5v5 is demonstrably better than last season with the Flames:
5v5 G/60 22-23: 0.72 (last season: 0.57 through 37GP)
5v5 P/60 22-23: 1.91 (1.44 last season)
5v5 ixG/60 22-23: 0.94 (0.88 last season)
The only noticeable and concerning aspect from an individual counting-stats perspective is his primary assist rate is down and his secondary assist rate is up (21-22 A1/60: 0.57, this year: 0.24 A1/60; 0.29 A2/60 vs 0.95 A2/60 this season).
It’s a night-and-day transition for Toffoli from an on-ice impact perspective and an individual contributions perspective, which is nice to see given the rest of the team is struggling for consistency. Gold star for you, Tyler!
What We Would Prefer Not To See:
Milan Lucic is someone I would prefer is scratched for an eternity, perhaps even traded, or maybe retire… today before the game. The inability of Lucic to offer even a modicum — a crumb, even — of actual tangible impact is exacerbating. What is the point of a guy who never fights (his purpose is to be that bitch), skates like his legs are constantly coated in molasses, and takes at least one egregious penalty a game being in the lineup?
The answer is there is no point.
This is the NHL where nepotism reigns supreme and Lucic is the product of nepotism. It isn’t that the Flames have no option but to play him, it’s that he plays because the coach wills it; and the willingness of it is a pathetic injustice on giving this team just one more forward, even for a few minutes a night a meager chance at helping them succeed. What Lucic has done which superficially inflates his perceived value (used to be good; won a cup; played for Darryl in LA) has little bearing on what he is now yet he plays: poorly.
I fully expect him to score tonight given my contemptuous words.
Enemy of the Week:
Aging is the enemy of the week. The erosion of talent, agility, intelligence, strength, wits, and your ability to hold an erection. You will be left behind by everything you love, once loved, and hold dearly. Eventually, you will be encroached upon by disease, organ inconsistency, and eventually death itself. Your mind and memories will be razed from the laurels of time, with only few to remember you. Eventually, time will come for them too and suddenly no one alive will remember you.
Go Flames!
What Comes Next: Mike Fights Theo Fleury
Yes we’re still promoting Scorchstack and telling people to subscribe, Theo! I guess this means I’m an enemy of the state and I’m going to fight you. If anyone needs me I’ll be learning blacksmithing so I can make a broadsword to challenge Theo.
Mike’s Weird Fucking Thought of The Week:
Originally I was going to write 600+ words about how in the world of Pokémon everyone can seemingly quit their day jobs to go on quests to become Pokémon masters with little regard for a living wage. Then Nathan reminded me of the Post-War Fan theory and how it’s possible the economies of every Pokémon region could be a post-war socialist utopia, free of the burden of jobs; and everyone has a universal basic income.
(ed. note: For those unfamiliar with the theory, enjoy this 10-minute video with waaaaay too many reaction images that ultimately does a great job of summing it up)
I need more time to formulate my thoughts on this but I find it utterly perplexing that everyone can just wander the countryside, collecting badges, becoming little Michael Vicks, and not have to worry about money (from the perspective of being a person in that world, or the game at least).
Unrelated Fact: The Scorchies have turned our group chat into a World Cup chat and I don’t know what the fuck a world cup is because I’m not a sicko who gets up at 6AM on Saturdays to watch Scran-Tuggydinkyshitshire’s Geraldo play in the World Cup.
Apparently, the Canadian soccer team is eliminated now? Imagine being proud of them for simply being not good enough to win. Not me; I cheer for teams who get my hopes up and completely dash them to bits.
See You Next Week:
Part of me wishes this always came out on Tuesdays so Floob could have titled this section See You Next Tuesday. What a missed opportunity.